psychology

Body Image Mantras for Doubters

by Sal on May 14, 2012 · 16 comments

I have a background in New Agey-ness. Honest. I worked at a metaphysical book publisher for years, and I did so because I’m a double Capricorn with Taurus rising and am quite sure that information has real bearing on my life path. I have experienced the power of visualization, seen spells work, and received practical, helpful advice from Tarot readings. I don’t just want to believe, I actually do. In more cases than not.

But there’s a certain segment of self-help, New Age, advice-y stuff that makes me go, “Eh.” And for years, that included mantras. I talk a lot and write even more, so you’d think that I’d GET how powerful words can be. Especially in repetition. But I didn’t. Until I hit a wall in my own body image work and started reciting a few on my own. And they worked.

For doubters like me, I think mantras must be kept simple, positive, and universal. Looking in the mirror each morning and saying, “My body is lovely and unique in every way, and will remain so no matter what,” is absolutely worthwhile. But it’s also a bit convoluted. A variant on the phrase above, “My whole being is beautiful,” might work better, and even encompasses the you beyond your body. Doing, “I don’t have to conform to anyone else’s beauty ideal,” hits an important note, but does so from a reactive standpoint. In my experience, mantras resonate when they’re affirming, so focusing on the positive always helps. Try, “My beauty is unique and true,” instead.  And although something specific like, “My hips and curves enhance my fabulousness,” will work wonders if you’ve honed in on a specific body area that troubles you, “My figure is fab,” might stick in your mind a bit better in the long run.

Here are a few other body image mantras that might work, even for staunch for mantra-doubters:

  • Thank you, body, for all that you do.
  • I am strong, I am good.
  • When I see myself, I see beauty.
  • My body is sacred.
  • I am powerful and strong.
  • My beauty is my own.
  • I love who I am, body and soul.

You can also go the cheeky route – blow yourself a kiss, experiment with, “Hey, good lookin’!” do something playful. But for any mantra – fun or serious – to be effective, it must be consistent for a decent chunk of time and it must be out loud. I know that last bit may sound like a deal-breaker to some of you doubters, but I’m TELLING you. Saying something out loud gives it a power that reciting it internally seldom can. Think about putting on your favorite dress. If you look in the mirror and are pleased, you’ll smile. But if you look in the mirror and are blown away by your own hotness, you’ll exclaim aloud. Which of those expresses the stronger emotion?

Mantras aren’t for everyone, and I’ll admit to falling off this bandwagon myself fairly regularly. But I’ve been amazed by how these seemingly small, easy, simple phrases can shift my self-perception and boost my body image when repeated regularly. And I’m hoping this little tribute to them will drag some of you doubters over to the other side.

How do you feel about mantras in general? Body image mantras specifically? Can you imagine taking one on for yourself? Would you be willing to try – even for a week? (Hint, hint, nudge, nudge.)

Image via Rosie Molinary.

{ 16 comments }

How to Curb Impulse Buys

by Sal on May 10, 2012 · 30 comments

I love to shop. You may have gathered this about me. I also love to thrift, and have spent many a pleasant afternoon scouring the racks of my local secondhand emporiums. I love clothes and feeling beautiful in my clothes, I read hundreds of style blogs every week, and I pore over countless magazines catalogs every month. My brain is brimming with products and prices and garments and outfits. I look at a lot of stuff and I buy a lot of stuff, including the occasional misfire. But I have managed to work on and nearly eradicate my impulse shopping urges. Here’s how:

I ask myself, “Will you still want this in three weeks?”

Impulse buys can feel so fun in the moment, but the moment passes. And if – days or weeks later – a bout of buyer’s remorse descends upon me, all that fun gets sucked out. And then some extra fun gets sucked out, too. I end up with a fun deficit, and that’s just lousy. So I attempt to fast-forward into the future and consider how I’ll feel about the potential impulse buy three weeks from the present day. In most cases, I can see SO CLEARLY that the item in question will be long forgotten. And if my foresight is fuzzy, I consider actually waiting the full three weeks before making a decision. Getting some real or imagined distance helps me be less emotional and more logical about purchasing decisions.

I ask myself, “What hole does this fill in your wardrobe?”

Some impulse buys turn out to be wardrobe staples, and some carefully plotted purchases turn out to be duds. But that doesn’t mean that the former is wise and the latter foolish. And it certainly doesn’t negate the importance of considering each potential purchase in the larger context of your existing wardrobe.

Now, admittedly, I have a large and varied wardrobe already. Buying items that duplicate or even resemble pieces I already own is just plain wasteful.* So I am very careful to ask myself, “Do you love this because it’s so ‘you,’ or because it’s got aspects in common with other pieces you already own and love?” I determine if an item is unlike others in my closet, and also consider if it would fill a niche that I’ve been longing to fill. Items that are unique and useful make the cut. Others get left behind.

I ask myself, “Where would you wear this?”

I DO believe in the practice of imagining at least three potential outfits for every new item bought, but more often I take this shortcut: I don’t attend a lot of balls so I have little need for tiaras, satin sandals, and silk gowns. I don’t live in a rainy climate so Hunter boots are well nigh useless to me. My meetings are virtually all business casual, so suits are a waste of money for me. Aside from my own comfort and aesthetic preferences, I try to envision context. Where will this potential new purchase be worn? A home office day? Weekend out? Fancy gathering? How practical is the purchase if the answer is a locale or activity that occurs only rarely in my life? My impulses to buy both super-fancy and super-casual items fall off once I consider location and application.

Are you an impulse shopper? How do YOU attempt to keep the impulsive buying urge in check? Would these tips work for you?

Image courtesy 401kcalculator.org.

* I do duplicate some items, though, and definitely know that buying staples in bulk can prove wise for many folks. Some multiples are accidentally bought non-staples – items that don’t fill any need or hole or specific, known purpose – and those are the ones I try to avoid.

{ 30 comments }

Clothing Commentary

by Sal on April 30, 2012 · 37 comments

Oh, how I love this skirt. It’s romantic yet funky, playful yet sophisticated, and ever so fun to wear. It’s also, in essence, a grown-up version of a tutu. And whenever I wore it to the office, whenever I wear it now, it draws lots of comments. Lots of curiosity. It’s an attention-grabber, and causes people to come out of the woodwork to share their thoughts.

And no one has ever said anything nasty about it. Not directly to me, anyway. And I’m able to field whatever questions and opinons get thrown at me, no problem. But I’ve had years of practice and given it loads of thought. And at our Strong, Sexy & Stylish events, several attendees have mentioned that they love the idea of dressing smartly and stylishly, but worry about how peers will react. Specifically how often peers may comment upon or question any noticeable changes in personal style. So I thought I’d offer up a few suggestions for dealing with clothing and style commentary from your peer group.

Mentally prepare

If you’ve gone barefaced for 15 years and suddenly start wearing full makeup every day, people will likely notice and comment. If you’ve worn jeans or pants for ages and start bringing skirts and dresses into the mix, you might get a few questions. One reason why these inquiries feel difficult to handle is that they surprise us. Just knowing that your changes may prompt a few curious questions can help you feel more prepared to react and respond.

Role play

If you’re very anxious about how you might handle potential comments and questions, have a friend or loved one do some role playing with you. You can probably imagine most of the stuff that’ll come at you: “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in slacks, Jane!” “Wow, new hair. Big change.” “You look so different!” “So dressed up. Going for an interview, or something?” Jot them down, and do a quick dialogue. You’ll be amazed by how this exercise will prime your mental/emotional pump for the real deal.

Have short and long responses

Even if the role playing thing seems a bit too in-depth, consider mapping out some potential replies to questions and comments. Different questions require different levels of response. You needn’t launch into your personal style journey or decision-making process that led you to switch from heels to flats or long hair to short. Not with everyone. ”Wow, new hair. Big change,” can get a simple, “Yeah, it is. I’m loving it!” On the other hand, ”So dressed up. Going for an interview, or something?” might necessitate a bit more background. Something like, “Nope, just felt like it was time to mix up my personal style a bit. I’m having such fun with these changes!” Judge for yourself who merits a quick reply and who needs a deeper explanation.*

Give it two weeks

This nugget comes from the ever-wise Husband Mike. Several years ago, he decided to wear suits to his SUPER casual office. Every day. He wanted to make it his personal uniform. And, as you might expect, he got a stream of “job interview” jokes and curious comments. But they lasted for two weeks, then tapered, then stopped completely. Now, this will only help you if you’ve made a relatively drastic change and plan to stick with it consistently from here on out. If you wear the occasional adult tutu, that’s a different deal. But if you get a makeover, switch styles drastically overnight, dye or cut your hair, or do something similarly permanent, count on about two weeks of inquiries. Your peer group should acclimate by then. (Hopefully.)

Stay positive

I try so hard to assume the best about everyone, but I do feel that this kind of question/comment behavior requires some guardedness. If a coworker points out that you’ve changed your appearance and you shrink back in dismay or alarm, you’ve revealed a chink in your armor. If instincts kick in, your coworker may start asking more questions, or teasing, or prodding for more information. You made these changes because you wanted to, because doing so boosted your self-confidence, because you want to look and feel fabulous. Make sure to say so! If a fellow student saunters up to you and says, “Whoa. Why on EARTH are you wearing high heels to class?” say, “Because they make me feel gorgeous!” If your aunt says, “I wish you hadn’t cut off all your beautiful hair,” respond with, “Well, I did. And I think this new ‘do suits me perfectly!”

Of course, if someone is being rude to you, butting into your business, and commenting on your body, appearance, weight, or anything about your physical self, you always have the option to tell them to butt out and eff off. Your body, your business, PERIOD. However, in some ways, you’ll reclaim more of your power by acknowledging their observation, owning it, and putting your own positive spin on it. When a person offers a negative or teasing comment on your appearance, they are likely trying to get a rise out of you. It’s a classic bullying technique. Swearing, silent treatments, and rants can feel awesome. Denying a bully the satisfaction of an outraged or hurt response feels even better, in my experience.

Clothing, grooming, and appearance-related commentary is such a mixed bag. Compliments are like tiny little blessings, and can inspire unexpected joy. Comments and questions can cut both ways, and often make us feel scrutinized, judged, and targeted. But I hope that the possibility of generating curious queries won’t keep you from tweaking, finessing, or even completely changing your style or appearance. With a little bit of knowledge and foresight, you can field those questions with grace and aplomb.

Have you ever been on the receiving end of appearance-related questions or comments that caught you off guard? How did you react? Any quick responses that seem to work across the board? Is your peer group likely to get chatty if you change how you look in any small way? Why do you think that is?

*If anyone. You have no obligation to explain yourself to anyone at all. But in terms of diplomacy, it’s often more beneficial to offer truthful information than withhold everything and let people make their own assumptions.

{ 37 comments }

Farewell, Badassery

by Sal on April 23, 2012 · 63 comments

Several months ago, HM and I saw a movie called “Haywire.” It didn’t quite live up to its riveting previews, but it was still an entertaining, engaging action movie. And what I really dug about it was that the main character, Mallory, was a serious badass. Unlike so many women action heroes, she was not what associate professor of politics Caroline Heldman has so aptly deemed a “fighting fuck-toy.” She was not on display to titillate viewers, she was not made to prance around half-naked, she was not sexy because she was some Hollywood-generated hybrid of porny and violent. She wore clothes that worked for an assassin, her one “love scene” was a passionate kiss with a colleague, and no one ever doubted her agency or prowess simply because she was a woman. Mallory was smart, driven, and capable. Period.

However, the movie haunted me on a personal level. And for a rather hilarious reason, I’ll admit. Watching Mallory deal with crisis after crisis coolly and efficiently, watching her cope with situations and stressors beyond normal human comprehension, watching her exquisite badassery unfold, I finally realized that my own badassery was … nonexistent.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m well aware that there is not now and never has been anything truly, traditionally badass about me. But I’ve always identified with badass women on a very personal, emotional level. Wonder Woman, Buffy, Starbuck, Trinity. I didn’t merely look up to them, I felt like them. I was convinced that underneath all my anxiety and privilege and geekiness was a core of tough, capable, superhero gold. That, if the time came and I was called, I’d step up. I’d fight.

But I can’t throw a punch. I can’t shoot a gun. I’m deathly afraid of bugs, I bruise easily, and my hacking skills consist of my ability to locate any style of shoe on the Internet in mere seconds. Hell, I can’t even run more than a few blocks without getting winded.* And, more importantly, I do not like conflict. Of any kind! If the time came and I was called, I wouldn’t step up. I’d ask what else needed to be done.

And initially, that bummed me out. Big time. I felt like part of my identity had been stripped away. I felt disappointed in myself for my lack of badassery, AND for being so delusional about it all for so very, very long. I felt weak and soft and timid. I was surprised by how much of my self-image was linked to this diamond-in-the-rough fantasy, and by how upset I was to see that fantasy shattered.

But, thankfully, the fantasy made way for the reality. In realizing that I wasn’t a badass, I was forced to think about what I was. What I am. I’m a creator, a clown, and an observer. But if we’re talking about crisis roles, I’m a caretaker. When everything goes kablooey, I may be the wrong person to send out on a revenge mission, but I can delegate tasks, calm upsets, and heal. And that might not seem as cool on the surface, but if fighters were all we had, we’d be in deep doo-doo.

I will always love dressing as badass as I possibly can without feeling ridiculous. But I’m getting comfortable with the notion that, when the zombie apocalypse arrives, I won’t be on the front lines with a shotgun. I’ll be behind the scenes tending wounds and soothing nerves.

What about you? How badass are you? How do you conceptualize your own badassery? Is it related to crisis management? Actual fighting skills? Something else entirely? Why are you tough? Why aren’t you? Is the idea even important to your identity at all?

*Give me a bike and that’s another story …

{ 63 comments }

On Source Discrimination and Broadened Searches

by Sal on April 19, 2012 · 51 comments

We’ve all got shopping biases: Stores we consider to be too young, too old, too expensive, too cheap, too … something. Reputations and personal experience are among the most influential factors, but we can also be susceptible to catalog and website styling: If a brand presents its items on models who look drastically different from ourselves, or if the clothing is styled in ways that clash with our aesthetics, we tune out. We assume that since we’re not the target audience, and the brand won’t work for us.

And that’s valid. Why bother with a manufacturer who clashes with your vision of your own personal style?

Well, there are several reasons:

  • Diversity of sources: If you’re looking for the perfect pair of black ponte pants, limiting yourself to your regular haunts may not work. Looking at a wide variety of possible sources increases the likelihood that you’ll actually find what you’re looking for.
  • Quality: Just because you don’t like a brand’s aesthetic doesn’t mean that brand makes crap. Many manufacturers whose catalogs make you cringe may produce good quality items at decent prices.
  • Stretching your imagination: Training yourself to see items out of their presented context is a FABULOUS way to improve your ability to style yourself creatively. When you force yourself to ignore styling and imagine something on your body, in your wardrobe, you’re stretching your imagination in a very, very good way.

One of the main reasons I thrift is because I believe in broad searches. I believe that good stuff is everywhere, and the more places you look the more likely you are to find it. I am just as happy to buy an item used as new. Happier even! And many of my wardrobe staples have been thrifted. But I also force myself to consider as many sources as possible at all times. I look at all the catalogs that arrive in my mail, even ones whose merchandise appears far outside my own style boundaries. And I’ve found some amazing pieces by doing so.

Everyone has their sticking points, of course: If a company has atrocious manufacturing policies, treats its employees badly, creates offensive ads, or does anything at all that makes you angry or upset, forget ‘em. There’s no reason to widen your pool of sources to include vendors you actually, actively hate for personal reasons.

But if you’re not finding what you need among your usual sources, peeking over at some shops that feel taboo, stodgy, trendy, or otherwise uncomfortable may yield surprising results.

Do you discriminate against certain sources for aesthetic, styling, or demographic reasons? Are there shops or manufacturers that you dismiss for being too old, young, trendy, out-there, cheap, or not-you? Would you broaden a search to include those shops if your usual suspects weren’t delivering what you needed?

Image courtesy SoftSurroundings.com, a vendor whose catalog styling feels not-me, but whose actual garments consistently intrigue me.

**Disclosure: Actions you take from the hyperlinks within this blog post may yield commissions for alreadypretty.com. See Already Pretty’s disclosure statement for more details.

{ 51 comments }

How to Stay Smart While Shopping Clearance

by Sal on April 10, 2012 · 22 comments

The area that surrounds clearance racks can feel like an alternate universe: Budgetary concerns and closet inventories seem to evaporate, along with the ability to make rational decisions. The lure of bargains is strong, and can monkey with otherwise savvy, reasonable shoppers. Which is especially unfortunate since many clearance items are final sale, so any unfortunate impulse buys may be irreversible.

Here are a few things to keep in mind before you step into the Clearance Zone and risk an ill-informed purchase:

  • When you find an item that you feel compelled to buy, ask yourself, “What will happen if I don’t buy this? Will I remember that I wanted it in two weeks?”
  • Try to identify the aspect(s) of the item in question that make it worthy of purchase. What, exactly, thrills you about this thing? Is it the color, cut, fabric, and fit? Or is it just that it’s a designer name on deep discount? Or something you’ve seen in magazines that’s suddenly in your hands and affordable?
  • Force yourself to envision at least three outfits that will utilize your clearance find. I know this tactic may feel a bit played-out, but it really, REALLY works. Some garments need time to work their way into daily wear, but any garment that doesn’t work naturally with your established style will just become a closet orphan.

Clearance items can become wardrobe workhorses, can add zest to ailing closets, and can constitute brag-worthy bargains. But I’d wager that the majority of shopping misfires take place within the confines of the Clearance Zone. So consider arming yourself with a few quiz questions before you start browsing the racks.

How do you avoid clearance sale mishaps?

Image via ReFab Online.

{ 22 comments }

You’re Too Old to Have Fun with Fashion

by Sal on March 27, 2012 · 60 comments

Many style rules rankle me because they seem subjective, arbitrary, and confining. And now that I’m 35 and can see 40 on the horizon, I’m thinking more and more about age-related dressing maxims, and find them to be just as subjective, arbitrary, and confining as the rest. I’ve penned a post on age-appropriate dressing, and outlined some loose style guidelines for women over 40, but can’t say I’m happy with either piece. Even loaded with caveats, those ideas still reinforce the notion that older women need to watch what they wear more carefully than younger women do. That, after a certain point, wearing certain items will make you look foolish no matter your personality, style, figure, or profession.

The main message I get is that, after “a certain age,” you’re just plain too old to have fun with fashion. Your prime directive should be looking sophisticated, classic, elegant, refined. You need to avoid looking like you WANT to be younger, while also doing several costly, time-consuming, sneaky things to make yourself APPEAR younger. You must stop playing with clothes and be serious, damn it. Fun time is over. You’ve got wrinkles now. Style will be a deadly serious business for the rest of your life, whether you like it or not.

Of course, there’s eccentricity. The gal in the photo at the beginning of this post has likely gone that route with her duotone hair and avant-garde earrings. At a certain point in your life and style evolution, having fun with your dressing choices ceases to be “mutton dressed as lamb” and begins to be “zany.” I fully intend to be zany when I’m in my 80s: Loud, proud, and an embarrassment to my relatives. But some of us would like a middle ground between classic and eccentric. Especially since sartorial eccentricity is generally more accepted in women over 70, less so in younger women.

As I’ve said before, I think clothing’s ideal main function is emotional: Clothing should make you feel good. When you look good in your clothing, it’s easier to feel good in that same clothing. But it’s the feeling, the emotions, the swell of pride or jolt of confidence that really matters. And the style rules I read for women over 30 or 40 or 50 or 60 seem to focus exclusively on looks. You don’t get to feel creative or nostalgic or cutting-edge if you’re an older woman. You get to feel stately and composed, worldly and wise. Small, controlled emotions that befit your chronological age even if they grate against your internal age.

I get dignity. I get that dressing in sophisticated, grown-up, classic pieces as an older women reflects a certain dignity, and that it could be seen as a way of saying, “I know I’m not a girl anymore, and I’m just fine with that.” In our youth-obsessed culture, loving yourself as you age is a praiseworthy accomplishment. But I just can’t get behind the idea that any woman over 40 who wants to wear leather shorts is wrong no matter how great her gams or how perfectly she styles them. I can’t believe that any woman in her 50s who dares to wear an above-the-knee skirt is foolish, or that any woman pushing 70 should confine her palette to subdued neutrals.

Wear what makes you feel great, and feel free to tone down the colors and alter the hemlines if that’s what works best for you. But remember: You’re never too old to have fun with fashion.

Image courtesy Advanced Style.

{ 60 comments }

Reconsidering Investment Pieces

by Sal on March 19, 2012 · 85 comments

The following items have long been viewed as investment pieces: Handbags, winter coats, classic shoes. Why? Because those three items get more use, wear, and abuse than other items. Even a favorite pair of jeans is unlikely to be worn every single day for the duration of a winter, and no dress or sweater will ever be worn as hard as a pair of shoes. Bras are occasionally added to this short list by style experts who recognize the importance of a good foundation, but everything else is up for grabs. You can invest in whatever you’d like, of course, but if you’re seeking expert advice, it’s generally bags, coats, and shoes.

And I’ve been thinking: If we based our level of investment on use patterns, wouldn’t we also want to plunk down the big bucks for pajamas? Gym clothes? Panties? PJs get worn and washed constantly, receiving more wear-time and abuse than many coats and bags. And what could be more important than bodily comfort during sleep? Many of the new-fangled workout gear vendors seem grossly overpriced, but is $90 really an outrageous price for a pair of comfy, flattering, wicking pants that will get worn several times per week for years on end? And panties! My gosh, if we’re investing in bras, why not knickers, too? There’s nothing quite as excrutiating as having your privates pinched or squeezed, and if top-quality panties eliminated discomfort and doubt, wouldn’t they be worth the dough?

It seems that the idea of an “investment piece” is linked to visibility and status as well as quality and use. After all, few people see our pajamas and even fewer our undies. We CAN invest in them, but those investments will only ever benefit our own bodies. Great bags, coats, and shoes help to construct our public sartorial personas, which adds value. At least, that seems to be how style experts are viewing things.

I am all for buying top-notch bags, coats, and shoes. It is good, sound advice that has endured because it makes sense, pretty much across the board. But I think that investing in items that get loads and loads of use, contribute to bodily comfort, and make us FEEL great is worthwhile, too. And that includes clothes that have little public exposure and virtually no glamorous appeal.

What do you think? Does it make more sense to invest in durable goods that are worn in public, or are private clothes investment pieces, too? Anyone already spending big on workout duds, PJs, panties, or other items? What are YOUR criteria for an “investment piece”?

Image courtesy Gap.

{ 85 comments }

← Previous Entries