feminism

Cleavage Goes To Work

by Nadine on April 29, 2013 · 71 comments

Once upon a time, our beloved Sally did a couple of posts about her interpretation of “sexy secretary” style. I remember reading both entries and the ensuing discussion in the comments sections with great interest. I considered jumping in but I was a brand spanking new reader at the time. I was still feeling shy and it seemed that Sally’s readers had covered all the relevant perspectives in a thoughtful, intelligent way.

Recently, I was poking around the site, looking for advice on pencil skirts (Me + pencil skirts = hot mess!) The sexy secretary entries popped up in my search string, so I decided to give them a re-read. That’s when I realized I did have something to add to the discussion. So rather than comment on a post from 2010, I figured I’d pipe up in a post of my very own.

(Aside: I understand that “dressing for the job” means vastly different things depending on the type of job you have and where that job happens. But for the purposes of this post, I’m mostly thinking about corporate, office-y type situations.)

In the original posts, Sally and her readers shared what I thought were some pretty sensible guidelines for staying professional when executing a cute corporate look. Avoid halter tops. Don’t show your lingerie. No see-through clothing. All sound advice in my book. But there was one suggestion – a suggestion I’ve heard and read many times before and since – that gave me pause:

Avoid cleavage.

Here’s the thing. Some people, like me, don’t … cleave easily. I have to deploy specific push up bras in conjunction with a very low cut neckline to get my ladypillows together. Cleavage is something I can only achieve through deliberate clothing choices, and it’s true those choices would not be appropriate in a traditional office setting.

That having been said, breasts come in all manner of shapes and sizes. Some are just larger, higher or closer set than others. Some people will have visible cleavage even in a garment with a relatively modest neckline. I can understand why someone with ample cleavage might choose to conceal it. But it feels unfair to automatically label their style as provocative or unprofessional if they don’t.

Unlike visible thongs and transparent blouses, breasts aren’t clothes. People don’t wake up and decide which boobs they’re going to wear to work that day. I support office dress codes in concept; however, I’m not comfortable with the notion that the application should vary based on people’s body size and shape. If I can wear v-neck sweater to work, I think my well-endowed colleague should be able to as well.

But what about the effect of cleavage on co-workers? How do you avoid creating a distraction?

Human beings get distracted all day long and that includes our working hours. We get distracted by noises, stray thoughts, the Internet. Heck, I’ve been distracted from writing this article five times already. (Curse you, Survivor: Fans vs. Favourites!)

We also get distracted from work by our basic biological impulses: our appetites, fatigue, our need to socialize … and our sex drives.

People get turned on by other people. People get turned on by bodies, particularly the parts that are typically concealed. Cleavage is a pretty clear indicator that there are breasts in the vicinity. Boobs are body parts most of us don’t see on the regular. Boobs are body parts many of us associate with sex. And I don’t dispute the notion that a small display of bosom might give a colleague a tingly thrill.

But compelling as cleavage might be, I find it interesting that we assume responsibility lies with its owner. I have never once heard of a person being admonished because their especially delicious smelling lunch was distracting the staff. In fact, I’m fairly certain that if an employee complained that the aroma of said food was so tantalizing as to affect their productivity, they’d be told to get it over and get back to work.

But that’s not what happens with cleavage. When the cause of the distraction is related to sex instead of food, the responsibility suddenly shifts. People – often women – are held responsible for other people’s reactions to their bodies, particularly if those reactions are sexual. I have a hard time with that. I don’t feel it should be incumbent on someone with an abundant decolletage to wear high tight collars, if no one else has to. Will that little line peeping through create a brief sexy diversion for a co-worker? It might. But if said co-worker is professional, I think it’s reasonable to expect them to ignore that distraction and continue with the job at hand.

Dress codes can be super helpful in a professional environment. But it does make me uncomfortable when it feels like those guidelines aren’t only talking about what sort of clothes one should and should not wear, but what type of body one should or should not have.

Image Victor1558 via Compfight cc

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Already Pretty contributor Nadine Thornhill is a sex educator and blogger at Adorkable Undies. She is also a burlesque performer, poet and playwright, living in Ottawa, Ontario – Canada’s national capital. Her writing tends toward subjects such as clitorises, feminism, vibrators, body image, gender politics and non-monogamy. She is a passionately committed Scrabble player and lifelong klutz, having sustained 16 concussions to date.

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One Less Worry

by Sally on April 4, 2013 · 35 comments

Most people come here and see a fashion blog. And there’s a lot of fashion and shopping and personal style-related discussions here, so I get that. But I truly hope that a segment of you comes here and sees a women’s empowerment blog. Because – and I know I’ve said this 70 jillion times, but it bears repeating – I see style as just one of many ways to help boost your body image and self-confidence. And I want to boost your body image and self-confidence so that you can feel happier and express yourself more freely and begin to love yourself just as you are.

I am starting to work on some side projects that feel more directly related to empowering women. I am on committees and in touch with visionaries who are actively working to give women the tools they need to acquire positions of leadership, and to lead effectively. And I LOVE this work. I get so jazzed that when I talk about it that I talk very quickly and loudly and gesticulate wildly until the person listening starts to giggle a little. And as I become more invested in these groups and conversations and do more of this work, it causes me to give my style-related work the side-eye. Not always, but occasionally. I have received countless humbling and heartwarming e-mails from you amazing readers telling me that I have helped you improve your self-esteem and boost your self-respect, and I treasure them. Truly, I do. But even though I, myself, champion style and fashion as non-frivolous interests I sometimes feel like work that is more closely tied to supporting, helping and empowering women could have more impact.

And then a dear friend of mine – a colleague in this other work I’ve been doing – said something that stopped me cold. She said (and I’m paraphrasing), “Sally, do you know why I don’t run for political office myself? It’s because I could never handle the scrutiny and criticism I’d take for how I look. Women in politics and power are constantly under the microscope for their bodies, grooming, and style, and I just couldn’t take it.”

My friend – from what I can tell – is afraid of very little. She has told me that she truly enjoys conflict resolution and adores speaking in front of large crowds. I can quite easily imagine her fending off rabid wolves to protect her young daughter. She has also worked in politics for years and is incredibly informed about public policy and remarkably passionate about her beliefs. So I was shocked to hear her say that the prospect of dealing with press and public critiques of her looks has prevented her from campaigning.

We talked a bit more about it, and she pointed out that helping women feel confident in their looks removes barriers. We live in a world that frequently evaluates women based on our looks and, if those looks are found to be somehow lacking, dismisses us. We know this. And many of us hesitate to step up to positions of leadership, or speak out against actions we question, or put ourselves in the public eye for fear of censure and dismissal. To help women have one less thing to worry about as they chase their dreams, rise to power, or express their creativity is to help them tap a vast reservoir of potential. To help women see dressing as a creative, helpful, important means of expressing self-respect is to give them the ability to move through the world with a little less weight on their shoulders.

And yes, the system should change. The system that dismisses us should be overhauled and turned inside out until women in politics and power and the public eye can be heard and respected without needing to be seen and judged. But I’ll be damned if I know how to tackle THAT task with my specific skill set. And I feel like a possible long-term plan would be to infiltrate that system with women who are so confident in their facades that no amount of jibes will deter them. Arm more women with confidence in their bodies and their personal styles so that they feel strong and capable and immune to irrelevant, appearance-related criticism. Teach them to dress strong, dress fearless, and dress as themselves so they can express what’s in their brains to an audience that has been trained to focus on their bodies.

This conversation with my friend lasted less than three minutes and took place more than four months ago, and it is still reverberating through me. I’m thrilled to be working on projects that connect directly with women’s empowerment and leadership, and hope to incorporate that work more and more into my life. But I see now that empowering women can take infinite forms, and that helping women remove barriers to action and change can be vital. Style and body image may seem low on the priority list, but if you don’t start at the bottom, how can you get to the top?

Image of Hillary Clinton – a politician who has been relentlessly scrutinized and dismissed for her style and grooming choices – courtesy NPR

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Invite a Woman to Lead

by Sally on March 29, 2013 · 5 comments

Several months ago, I attended a women business leaders networking/happy hour event. A friend had forwarded me the invite, and I figured, hey, why not? It was actually a bit comic as the event was being thrown by an internal group at Target corporate, and I’m 99% sure I was the only non-Target employee present. I crashed a Target party, you guys. Luckily everyone was LOVELY and didn’t make fun of me. At least, not to my face.

The networking event was a follow-up to a lunchtime presentation by the president of the White House Project, Tiffany Dufu. I wasn’t aware of the luncheon and therefore couldn’t crash it, which bums me out as the White House Project is utterly amazing and I would’ve loved to hear Dufu’s speech. Luckily, she attended the networking event and although she only said about four sentences, one of them is still resonating within me.

She said that whenever she speaks to or with a gathering of women, she asks them to consider inviting other women to lead.

It’s an imperfect concept, of course. Imbued with privilege and the underlying assumption that all women can and want to lead. It also implies that, without invitation, women might not be brave enough to step up and lead on their own. But I still loved it. Because sometimes all it takes is one person reaching out and saying, “I’ve noticed that you’re smart and creative and amazing, and I think you could be great at X.” And because, all too often, we forget to talk about those things, praise each other, suggest growth opportunities, nudge. I remember all of the moments in my life when people reached out to me with words of encouragement and suggestions for new challenges. I’ve built my life on those moments. And Dufu gently reminded me to pay that forward.

Inviting a woman to lead can mean a thousand things because leadership can take a thousand forms. The traditional ones – politics, business, academics – are incredibly important and women’s voices are often underrepresented in these realms. But leading within a household or neighborhood, leading through creating bold works of art, leading by taking on more responsibility at the lab or on the farm or at the homeless shelter … all of these will have impact. All of these will empower individuals and have the potential to inspire other women. If you know a woman who has untapped potential, or a woman who seems frustrated by her lack of opportunities, or a woman who could make a real difference, reach out to her. Tell her what you see. If you don’t know her interests and skills, start a discussion. If you do, gently suggest how she might begin to build. You could transform her life’s path in the space of a single conversation.

I hope to live to see a world that invites more women to lead, a world in which women leaders help shape our collective future. And I plan to help make that world more possible by inviting other women to lead as often as I can.

Image courtesy Eddy Van 3000.

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This Week I Love …

by Sally on November 21, 2012 · 15 comments

… Amy Poehler

For the record, I know virtually nothing about how amy Poehler dresses. She’s not really a style icon to me so much as an icon icon. I never really liked her SNL work, and it seemed like her early career was mainly spent portraying loud, sexualized meanies. But WOW, has she come a long way. Here are three huge reasons I adore Amy Poehler:

Smart Girls at the Party

Slogan: Change the world by being yourself. Smart Girls at the Party is a project that Amy launched with her real life best friends Meredith Walker and Amy Miles to showcase girls who are important and excellent just because they are doing things that they are interested in and that they believe in. The website is a bit messy and chaotic, but still provides a community that young girls and women can join to connect with others with similar (or different!) interests. My favorite aspect of Smart Girls is Amy’s interviews. She speaks with girls about the interests, hobbies, and expertise and does so with tremendous respect and sincerity. My favorite? Ruby the feminist, of course. The fact that Amy Poehler launched this project makes her a superstar in my book.

Parks and Recreation

I realized the other day that Parks and Recreation is my current favorite television show. In part because it makes me snort and shout with uncontrollable laughter, but also because I feel such kinship with Poehler’s character, Leslie Knope. She’s smart and driven and fantastically organized and full to the brim with quirks. And she’s completely unashamed of her quirks. She doesn’t apologize for them or deride herself for being a “neurotic woman,” she is extremely comfortable with her authentic self. She’s also confident, capable, brave, and a feminist as the Pawnee Rangers episode proved. She’s flawed like all characters and people are, but she’s one of the only women characters on television today that I feel kinship with.

New York Magazine photo shoot notes

When Poehler did a photo shoot for New York Magazine in 2011, she knew she’d be Photoshopped. So she preemptively offered a few notes on her images, including “make neck smarter,” “add two more fingers, “remove eyes for now,” and more. This tongue-in-cheek approach pokes some excellent fun at a common but harmful magazine practice, showing how utterly ridiculous some of the retouching can get if left unchecked.

I don’t read gossip rags, so for all I know she could be a serial goldfish torturer in her spare time. But her dedication to bolstering the self-confidence of young girls, her decision to create a television show featuring a strong woman who isn’t some sort of superhero, and her willingness to use humor to highlight the media machine’s shortcomings make Amy Poehler the kind of gal I’d love to take out for a milkshake.

Are you a fan? Do you watch Parks & Rec? Anyone have a daughter who participates in Smart Girls at the Party?

Image via Welcome to Ladyville.

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Concepts of Sexy Dressing

by Sally on November 15, 2012 · 47 comments

Sexy dressing is controversial. There seems to be a profusion of unwritten rules about how women can and should dress sexy, when we can do it, how often we can do it, and how we should look when we do. Additional unwritten rules touch upon how old we can be and still dress sexy, how much or little we can weigh and still dress sexy, how many traits or abilities we can have that differ from the perceived norms and still dress sexy, and on and on and on. It’s overwhelming and infuriating and these lists loom so large that many of us have opted right out. Sexy dressing is too fraught, too risky, too laden with the potential for judgment and misinterpretation to even bother. Many women are just not interested in the scrutiny – positive or negative – that comes with sexy dressing.

But I also know that sexy dressing can be private, intimate, and expressive. Under the right circumstances it can feel empowering and freeing. And for many women, sexy dressing is an act of rebellion that says, “I am a proud and sexual being. And there’s nothing shameful about that.” Sexy dressing can be incredibly fun, and even those of us who don’t do it often have a fabulous time doing it on occasion.

Sexy dressing also encompasses a HUGE variety of styles, garments, and looks. Since there as many ways to dress sexy as there are ways to be and feel sexual, it’s a very broad spectrum. But the three main categories that come to my mind when conceptualizing sexy dressing are as follows:

Showing bare skin

Most of us show bare skin every single day, but keep it confined to our faces and necks, hands and arms, calves, ankles, and feet. Once more skin is exposed – shoulders, decollete, midriff, thighs – most consider the outfit in question to verge on the sexy side. Many people have sex while naked, and outfits that reveal either lots of bare skin or bare skin in known erogenous zones can subtly evoke emotions and ideas about sex.

Showing body shape beneath clothing

Think of Joan from Mad Men. Most of her dresses keep all of the above-mentioned sexy zones totally covered. But her dresses and skirts are form-fitting and show her figure very clearly. Nothing is loose, everything snug and tailored. And her looks are frequently and effortlessly sexy because of it. Actual tight clothing that pulls and pinches seldom evokes sexiness since it looks awkward and uncomfortable. But clothing that fits to the figure and shows the body shape beneath is sometimes perceived to be on par with clothing that reveals bare skin.

Items that have a sexy history

High heels, leather clothing, fishnet tights, bustiers, and loads of other garments, shoes, and accessories have become symbols of sexiness in and of themselves. Each has its own history and reasoning, but they all share a common trait: When they’re incorporated into an outfit – even if the rest of the outfit is relatively non-sexy and/or modest – they add a dose of sexiness automatically.

Now we’ve FINALLY gotten to the interesting part of this post. Let’s talk about how you feel about sexy dressing! Here’s what I’d love to know:

Do you dress sexy?
When and why?
If you were going to assemble a sexy outfit that you felt fabulous wearing, what would it include?
What does dressing sexy mean to you?

PLEASE NOTE:

If you feel strongly about these issues, express your views respectfully and civilly or they will not be published. I’m happy to participate in a discussion that includes contrary opinions, but will not tolerate cruelty.
Be courteous and kind to each other when responding to remarks from other readers.

Image courtesy Bebe.

**Disclosure: Actions you take from the hyperlinks within this blog post may yield commissions for alreadypretty.com. See Already Pretty’s disclosure statement for more details.

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If You Can’t See It, You Can’t Be It

by Sally on November 8, 2012 · 36 comments

More than a year ago, I saw the film Miss Representation. It was moving and inspiring and upsetting all at once, and even after months have passed I am still mulling its contents. One of the unexpected aftershocks comes in the form of a phrase that’s remained lodged in my brain. A political expert was explaining that the number of American women who show interest in pursuing political careers is dwindling. An oft-overlooked reason for this? There are relatively few women in politics right now. And – here comes the phrase – if you can’t see it, you can’t be it.

Gloria Steinem said this phrase in the film, and may even have originated it. I feel certain I’d heard it before, but for some reason, this was the first time it struck a chord. Because, clearly, it applies not just to politics but to business, athletics, science, and all typically male-dominated fields. Women don’t pursue those careers as often as men do because many view them as closed or hostile. They see so few other women working in those jobs, have so few role models fighting those dominant paradigms, that they assume they couldn’t possibly measure up. And so they don’t try.

Steinem points out, “We’re communal creatures. We’re very much influenced by what we see. As this documentary makes clear, if you can’t see it, you can’t be it.”

Of course, there are mold-breakers, pioneers, warriors, and standard-bearers. There are women who love business and science and athletics and politics SO HARD and are SO AMAZING at those things, that virtually nothing could stop them from chasing down their dreams. But there are also women who – consciously and subconsciously – look to their peers for cues and guidance. They watch their fellow women, note their choices and actions, and calculate accordingly. Examples are powerful influencers. When examples aren’t set, mustering the courage to go first can seem impossible.

The film also examined this concept in the light of beauty, bodies, and self-image. There are agreed-upon concepts of beauty that stem from social norms and are reinforced by media imagery. If you, as a person, look drastically different from the version of “beautiful” that is shoved at you by those media, you may never believe that what you are is also beautiful. You may never accept that beauty is a spectrum, not a trait. In my opinion, the same goes for concepts of “stylish.” There’s a huge, powerful marketing machine working to convince you that you need to buy and wear certain items from certain brands in order to be stylish. If you look drastically different from the version of “stylish” that is shoved at you by those companies, you may never believe that what you are is also stylish.

And this lights a fire under me. Because what I have here is a website, a place within the media (albeit a small one) from which I can show images of women who possess the spectrum of physical traits and attributes, span the decades, and dress as they see fit. I want you to see them, see their diversity, see their courage, see their gorgeous gamut of examples and witness yourself reflected back. Magazines, TV, books, and movies focus on a tiny subgroup of women and hold them up. It’s high time we start holding up a few more women and praising them, too.

Part of me rebels against, “If you can’t see it, you can’t be it.” I mean, there have been so many women throughout time who have plowed forward with ABSOLUTELY NO EXAMPLES AT ALL, and changed the face of history with their visionary bravery. And I struggle with the idea that we, as women, require others to go first before we can follow along. It’s not a concept that I love and embrace. But it’s one that I recognize as containing some important grains of truth. We are communal creatures, and we are influenced by what we see. So I intend to do a lot of showing. I intend to introduce you to women from everywhere doing everything and looking just like you’d expect and like nothing you’ve ever dreamed of in the hopes of hitting just a few chords inside just a few women. If I can show just one woman the example she needs to pick up and follow her dreams, believe in her beauty, register her worth, I will consider myself an unqualified success.

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Already Prettypoll: “Sexy” Halloween Costumes

by Sally on October 31, 2012 · 77 comments

Over the years, it seems that Halloween has become increasingly sexual when it comes to women’s costumes. In addition to selling some rather skimpy pre-made costumes for very young girls, many online and brick-and-mortar costume shops have begun offering “sexy” versions of traditional costumes: Sexy pirate, sexy witch, sexy professor, etc.

Why do you think “sexy” Halloween costumes for women have become the norm? Women have been objectified for ages, but this is a fairly recent trend. What changed? Do you think this is just a blip and that a wider variety of sexy and non-sexy costume options will be available eventually?

PLEASE NOTE:

If you feel strongly about this issue, express your views respectfully and civilly or they will not be published. I’m happy to participate in a discussion that includes contrary opinions, but will not tolerate cruelty.
Be courteous and kind to each other when responding to remarks from other readers.

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Already Prettypoll: Coloring Grays

by Sally on September 5, 2012 · 100 comments

My grandma will turn 89 in a few weeks. Back in January, she finally stopped coloring her hair and let her gorgeous silver mane show through. Choosing to color/cover gray or white hair is a very personal decision, and I don’t believe that it’s a right/wrong situation. I have no idea if – when I start to show more than the occasional wild white hair – I’ll feel compelled to dye over. But I’d wager some of you feel more strongly one way or another.

Do you have gray hair that you color? Do you have gray hair that you leave natural? Have you ever given thought to coloring your grays, even if they’re not showing/growing in yet? How do you think coloring grays influences social views of aging women? How do you think coloring grays might influence individual women in terms of self-image?

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