body image

Weight Loss as Cure-all

by Sally on March 8, 2013 · 20 comments

A few weeks ago, my dear friend and mentor Jen Larsen‘s memoir came out. It’s called Stranger Here, and in it she recounts how she underwent weight loss surgery and lost 180 pounds. Here’s the book description from Amazon:

Jen Larsen always thought that if she could only lose some weight, she would be unstoppable. She was convinced that once she found a way to not be fat any more, she would have the perfect existence she’d always dreamed of. When diet after diet failed, she decided to try bariatric surgery, and it worked better than she ever could have dreamed: she lost 180 pounds. As the weight fell away, though, Larsen realized that getting skinny was not the magical cure she thought it would be—and suddenly, she wasn’t sure who she was anymore.

Jen has always been open about her experience, and how surprising, disappointing, and upsetting it was to discover that weight loss wasn’t the cure-all she’d always believed it to be. It wasn’t the magical solution that the world proclaims it to be. It made her feel so much better in so many ways – healthier, stronger, able to undertake tasks that had always seemed impossible before – but it didn’t change her inner self.

But the diet industry, the health care industry, even the fashion and beauty industries all want us to believe that thin = happy. No matter how awful you feel, no matter what your problems are or how deep-seated they may be, if you just shave off a few pounds you’ll be cured. And that is simply not true. Psychological, emotional, personal, career, and relationship work that needs to be done now at your current weight will ALSO need to be done if you lose weight. You will still be you on the inside. Jen was, and it shocked her to realize that.

I don’t mean to say that weight loss hasn’t drastically changed the lives of some, or that it’s not worth pursuing if you feel personally compelled to do so. Some people undertake weight loss and make massive emotional-personal changes simultaneously. But it’s worth noting that it’s not the weight loss itself that has improved their inner lives, it’s the accompanying changes and work.

This may seem overwhelming or upsetting if you’ve been considering weight loss as a potential road to an improved life. But it can also be liberating to consider. After all, it’s further proof that the little number on the scale does NOT define you. And that you can find serenity and happiness no matter how much or how little you weigh.

Needless to say, I’ve read Jen’s book and think it is amazing, inspiring, brave, brutal, and important. Her story isn’t unique, I’m sure, but she’s one of the only people who has stepped forward to share it publicly with anyone who cares to listen. So we’ll just add that to the long list of reasons why I’m proud to call her my friend.

Image via cynosure.

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Move Your Body

by Sally on March 5, 2013 · 29 comments

Exercise is recommended for everyone

Exercise.

Land sakes, it’s like a DIRTY WORD, isn’t it? There’s so much angst and anxiety, social tension and expectation piled into that one word that it hurts to even ponder it. Which is a real shame because, exercise? It’s really good for you. Yes, you. All of you. Pretty much without exception. In fact, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and use the S-word: To keep it in good, working condition for as long as possible, you should find ways to regularly move, groove, and exercise your physical form.

There are studies – oh, are there ever studies – that talk about how fat people can be fit and thin people can be less fit, and we can argue all day long about the finer points of those studies. But let’s not. Let’s instead focus on the fact that – aside from the physically fragile, infirm, and extremely elderly – exercise is recommended for everybody. That doctors, nutritionists, fitness instructors, wellness coaches, scientists, and experts of all stripes want EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US to incorporate regular movement into our lives. They don’t care how much or little we weigh, how old we are, what we do for a living, if we’re differently abled, pregnant, or woefully uncoordinated. They want us to exercise because it keeps our systems strong, keeps our bodies in good repair. There are no studies recommending sedentary life or advising the avoidance of exercise.

And those experts? They also don’t care if we’re new mothers, working multiple jobs, suffering from depression, facing new or difficult physical challenges, or any number of other factors that may make exercise seem even more difficult, daunting, and chore-like. They still point out that cardio is good for our hearts and lungs, and women are more likely to suffer from heart disease. They still remind us that weight training is especially important to women because we lose bone density with age. They may even gently suggest that regular exercise can help with mood and stress levels.

And here’s the thing: Exercise doesn’t have to mean three sweaty hours in a humanity-packed gym. Exercise doesn’t have to hack a giant chunk off of your already-scarce free time. Exercise doesn’t even have to be “exercise!” Think of it this way: Make sure you move your body – vigorously and enthusiastically – a couple of times each day. Forget exercise, just move. Take the stairs instead of the elevator or escalator. Park further from your destination and get a little walk in. Do some wall push-ups. Go out dancing on Saturday night instead of hitting a bar or restaurant. Bench press a toddler and watch her giggle with glee. Plank or do a few sit-ups during your favorite TV shows. Check these recommendations if you’re facing a physical challenge or healing from an injury. Exercise can be a burden, but movement can be easy and fun. It can! No, I’m serious, you guys. And besides all that, it’s a key component to long-term self-care.

How do YOU incorporate movement into your life? What’s your favorite way to move your body? I’d love to hear about some non-traditional exercise options!

Image courtesy ian

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Already Prettypoll: Your Support Network

by Sally on February 25, 2013 · 14 comments

We all have days when we feel discouraged about and frustrated with our bodies. There are many important ways to look inside, reflect a bit, and find ways to work towards more positive feelings and thoughts on our own. But it can also be incredibly helpful to turn to loved ones, friends, and family for support.

Who supports you when you’re feeling upset or discouraged about your physical self or personal style? To whom do you turn when you need help or encouragement? Does anyone in your life rely on YOU for this kind of support?

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Dressing for Yourself and Dressing to Put Others at Ease

by Sally on February 18, 2013 · 30 comments

5505229167_4944db9f9a

A few months ago, I met with a client who was working on several self-consciousness issues. She was a tall woman, and had to endure an endless stream of height-related commentary from friends and strangers alike. Her mother had instilled in her the belief that her ankles and feet were huge and unsightly, and was struggling to make peace with that. She loved fun clothes and dressing up, but lived in a community where folks attended just about every event from “night at the gym” to “night on the town” in the same casual, comfy duds. We talked at length about this last one, and she said, “I have one friend who I’ve never seen in anything but a fleece and jeans. I wouldn’t want to head to a girls night out in a frilly dress and make her feel uncomfortable.”

And I stopped her. I reminded her gently that it was not her job to dress in a way that made everyone in her social circle feel completely comfortable. In fact, I pointed out that to attempt such a feat would be to set oneself up for failure! We cannot constantly anticipate the feelings or predict the needs of others. We have no control over those things whatsoever, no matter how hard we may try. To charge oneself with dressing in a manner that puts all others at ease would mean sacrificing any hope of self-expression, not to mention the infinite frustration of guessing at how friends and strangers alike might react.

Now, I DO believe in dressing as a social act. Wearing traditionally appropriate attire to important, career-related, and socially focused events can help make interpersonal communication and understanding more effective. And I also understand that being the one relentlessly dressy, unfailingly casual, or just plain different dresser in a group with set practices can cause friction and strife. Furthermore certain social circles have more unwritten rules than others, and dressing is often in the bylaws. I am not saying that you should wear what you want absolutely everywhere and under all circumstances and expect total respect and acceptance from everyone you meet. That’s not how our society currently functions.

But I think it’s important to acknowledge that social pressures to conform – especially among friend groups, and especially when it comes to dressing preferences – can feel restricting. If you show up for girls night in a dress and your fleece-wearing friend feels uncomfortable (or vice versa), that will be awkward for both of you. But is it your responsibility to manage your friend’s response by changing your behaviors? Why? It’s very possible that she is reacting to how your choices make her feel about herself and her choices. You may have made her feel underdressed or overdressed, which many people connect to feeling socially underprepared. You may have done something out of the ordinary that caused her to worry about social balance within your friend group. You may have reminded her of another person in her life that makes her feel uneasy through unexpected choices. Regardless, it’s her feelings about herself, her place, her role, her appearance, or any number of self-focused things that are coming to the fore.

And that’s no judgment call on her! Change is unnerving, and when someone looks or acts differently than we expect, we cannot help but feel surprised and caught off guard. And if a friend shows up looking drastically different from you, that can feel upsetting and cause anxiety. But that doesn’t mean that one person must change while the other holds her ground. Finding ways to open up discussions, make compromises, or work within multiple people’s comfort zones can go a long way. And if, in the end, you choose change your dressing choices to alleviate social friction, that’s totally valid. In some cases, it’s just not worth standing your sartorial ground. But remembering that it’s not your job to soothe everyone, dress for everyone else’s comfort, or anticipate everyone else’s dressing preferences can feel liberating and allow you to gently push at some of those social boundaries.

Your style job, as I see it, is to dress in a way that makes you feel comfortable, powerful, and like your best self. Your style job is to find clothes that celebrate your body just as it is, and make you feel gorgeous, luminous, and unique. Your style job is to dress for YOU.* And that can be challenging enough without tacking on the preferences and expectations of everyone around you. You’ll have to tweak your look on occasion to accomodate certain social expectations, and you’ll actively choose to do so on others. But I would encourage you to focus on your own desires and preferences as often as you can, and think as little as possible about which people might be made uneasy if you dress up or down, if you choose a skirt or jeans. It’s admirable to want those around you to feel at ease, but it’s not your job to dress for their comfort.

*Assuming that you can. Some of us work in uniforms, some of us deal with strict dress codes, some of us have severely limited budgets … there are countless factors that may actively limit what you can and cannot wear. It’s a privilege to choose to dress for yourself, and not everyone has that privilege.

Image courtesy SCA

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How to Love Yourself

by Sally on February 14, 2013 · 15 comments

how to love yourself

After decades of hetero-centric Valentine’s Day stories and articles that talk about savoring love, finding love, and keeping love with another person, it seems like there followed a tidal wave of “love yourself” topics and ideas for this holiday. And those have now become a little cliche. But since I’m in favor of self-love EVERY day, since I think loving yourself can enhance your ability to be a good partner, and since the topic of self-love can be extremely daunting, I’m going to cliche it up for the day.

Here are a few ways to show yourself some love:

  • Diminish negative self-talk: Listen closely to your internal monologue. Whenever you feel it veering off into criticism of your body, your choices, your actions, your relationships, try to pause. It takes time to truly halt negative self-talk, so start by just making yourself aware of it. How often are you berating yourself? Could you do it less? Give it a try.
  • Note your successes: Before you go to bed each night, think back on your day. What stood out as something that you did well, that felt good, that was a major or minor success? Did you close a deal or kick ass at a presentation? Did you make your kids giggle themselves silly? Did you put together a fantastic outfit? Some days this will feel more challenging than others, but keep at it. Even if the day’s success seems tiny, acknowledge it. And give yourself credit for it. You made that happen. You succeeded today.
  • Talk to the mirror: I know, That Old Chestnut. But I trot it out often because it WORKS, people. Before you begin your day in earnest, look in the mirror. Praise your body out loud while looking at your reflection. Say, “I have lustrous hair.” Say, “I have strong, powerful legs.” Say, “I have kind and welcoming eyes.” Try to think of something new each day. You may run out, so feel free to recycle. Just try it. It’s amazing.
  • Forgive yourself: This often goes hand-in-hand with diminishing negative self-talk, but can also exist separately. We are all our own worst critics. Next time you “screw up” and fall down a self-hatred rabbit hole in the aftermath, listen to how you’re talking to and about yourself. Would you say those things to your mom if she’d screwed up in a similar way? Your sister? Best friend? Partner? If not, why are you saying them to yourself? Everyone stumbles, and it’s important to learn from mistakes. But focus on the learning and forgiving, and try to move away from blame, shame, and self-loathing.
  • Engage praise: In my experience, praise attracts praise. Offering praise to strangers, family members, friends, and colleagues creates an environment conducive to positivity. Praise someone else – for a choice, an action, a design decision, a moment of bravery – and you’ll be amazed how quickly that praise returns to you. How is this beneficial in the Self-Love Department? Well, receiving praise is always good for confidence. But on a subtler level, when you dish out praise to others you are acknowledging the fact that the successes of others bring you joy. You are not buying into the myth that there is a limited amount of happiness, success, or beauty available in the world. You are fostering abundance for yourself and others. And that feels at once secure and liberating.

There are, of course, countless ways to love yourself and these are just a few! What other suggestions would you offer? What do YOU do to show yourself some love, or to cultivate an ongoing feeling of self-love?

Image courtesy jaroslavd.

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Hair or Bare: A Pubic Service Announcement

by Nadine on February 12, 2013 · 77 comments

This post is about grooming choices for erogenous zones. Image is safe for work, but subject matter may not be!

brazilian_waxing

Pubic grooming is a topic that comes up frequently in my conversation with my friends. Dishing about the in-between bits with a trusted confidant makes for a fun, not to mention fascinating coffee date.  Most people I’ve talked to aren’t terribly picky when it comes to the aesthetics of their partners’ parts. As one pal put it, “If you’ve put some effort into the presentation, that’s nice. But the bottom line is, if I’m about to have sex you I’m going to be excited what’s down there no matter what it look like.”

Interesting. But what I’ve also discovered is that some of us aren’t quite as carefree when it comes to our own coiffing our own genitalia

Pornography is a powerful catalyst and its influence has pushed many a trend into the mainstream. VHS. Blu-ray. The Internet. And of course, the Brazilian bikini wax.

When I was 15, a light application of depilatory along one’s bikini line was considered the height of sophistication amongst my girlfriends.  By the time I hit 30, attitudes towards pubic hair seemed to have shifted to something more along the lines of  TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT *ALL* OFF!

I was a something of a gym bunny at that time. In the change room, it became clear that something was up. Something being a baldness epidemic. Almost every day, a new set of freshly exposed labia would saunter out from the shower and join the ranks. Those people seemed chuffed by their hair loss. Getting Brazilianed seemed to connote something a bit saucy and forbidden – it was the lambada of the twenty first century.

And it did take too long before the locker room consensus on waxing went from naughty to necessary.  “We can’t just let it all hang out anymore. It’s important to tidy it up,” someone told me as we were changing out of our yoga pants. And she wasn’t the only one. During our local university frosh week, I gave a sex 101 workshop that included anatomical diagrams of male and female genitals. Several people were surprised to see hair around the vulva.

“I didn’t know girls had hair down there,” one young man told me. I tried not to let the surprise register on my face but inside, I was shocked. What the eff was going on? Were pubes no longer happening? Had they been voted off the island.

The more people around me started going bare, the more determined I became to keep my bush. I wasn’t going to let society strip me of my nether locks! Important? Tidy? Feh! I was going to fight the power by staying full-force fuzzy!

Truthfully I was fine with my hair. But deep down, I did really like the look of smooth pubic skin. I also had strong suspicions that I would enjoy the way it felt. I’ve always liked running my hands along my skin when it’s smooth, which is why I keep my legs shaved, even in winter.  And I was intrigued by the thought of being able to see my own nooks, crannies and the clitoris that were obscured by hair.

Some years later, I was in a play that required being on stage in my underpants. Despite a relatively modest style, the stage lights made it difficult to keep my pubic ‘fro discreet. So I took the plunge and I submitted to the Brazilian. I gotta be honest -  that shit HURT!  But only for a moment of two.  And when it was done, I was entirely okay with how I looked.  More than okay. I felt great both physically and emotionally. Going bare didn’t just work for the part I was playing, it worked for me. The play closed ten days later and I made a second appointment with the waxer.

The moral of this story isn’t, “You should totally get a Brazilian because once you try it, you’ll like it!” That was my experience but it wouldn’t necessarily be yours. But I did learn a couple things from my adventures in pubis. I learned that there is a difference between rejecting a trend because it doesn’t work for you and rejecting it specifically because it is a trend. I also realized that sometimes it is possible to participate in a practice while still looking at it through a critical lens.

I have a big problem with using words like “neat” “clean” or “hygenic” to describe pubic hair. Those words imply that keeping your hair is the opposite of that. Which is crap. If you’re a person who washes regularly, your pubes will be as clean as the rest of you.

I wouldn’t tell someone that they couldn’t or shouldn’t “let it all hang out.” Let it all hang out. Maybe you feel happier or sexier or better that way. Or maybe it doesn’t matter to you. It doesn’t have to. It’s your body and they’re your bits.

If I could wave my magic wand and make this The World According To Nadine, personal grooming would not be motivated by shame, mandated by popularity, or seen as an act of definace. It would mostly be about our personal tastes and what works for each individual person.

So whether it’s hair or bare, I encourage you to rock whatever pubic style that works best for you.

Until we meet again!

Image courtesy Joao Philipe CS

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Already Pretty contributor Nadine Thornhill is a sex educator and blogger at Adorkable Undies. She is also a burlesque performer, poet and playwright, living in Ottawa, Ontario – Canada’s national capital. Her writing tends toward subjects such as clitorises, feminism, vibrators, body image, gender politics and non-monogamy. She is a passionately committed Scrabble player and lifelong klutz, having sustained 16 concussions to date.

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I’m Not Pregnant. I’m Fat.

by Ashe on February 4, 2013 · 146 comments

i'm not pregnant i'm fat

The first time someone assumed that I was pregnant, I was in high school. I was at my after-school job and had gone next door to get dinner at the Chinese restaurant. The owner asked me something akin to, “When are you due?”  When you’re in high school, constantly confused and mortified by your body, and self-conscious about being fat, this is the last thing you want to hear.

That was about 13 years ago. Since then, I’ve had some memorable experiences:

  • The drunk one-night stand of my fiance’s best friend slurring, “Are you pregnant?” and when hearing my “no” response, saying, “Oh, then you must have a tubby tummy.” (At this point, I was a size 10-12.)
  • The host at a local restaurant going, “Table for 3?” with a wink and nudge attitude. The fiance stiffened up, and growled, “No, table for 2.” The host responded with, “Oh, I know I just…” before being cut off with a “No, just a table for 2.” He quickly got the hint.
  • Standing in line with my best friend at Joann’s. An elderly woman in front of me goes, “Oh, when are you due honey?” I politely shake my head and say, “I’m not… I’m just fat.” She grows embarrassed at this point and a bit indignant, “Oh, I’m sorry… well, you can understand my confusion….”  “It’s okay. It happens a lot.”  “Well, can you tell me what you eat so I don’t end up that way?” As I sit in stunned for a moment I answered with “I really love pizza and cupcakes.” With relief she laughed and said, “Oh good, I never eat those things anyhow.”  Meanwhile, my normally fierce best friend has become a shrinking violet in the corner.
  • A number of individual cases where a man (or woman) goes “Oh, when are you due?!” When I politely inform them I’m not, they’re mortified– because they or their partner has gone through that, had those questions, and they know how hurtful it is.  “I can’t believe I just said that. I know better than that.”

These comments have come regardless of my size: I can be a size 10/12 or an 18/20, but because my stomach is always just a bit soft, people will assume I’m pregnant.  Pregnancy is something our culture embraces and celebrates (most of the time– 16 and Pregnant, I’m NOT looking at you). Being fat is not celebrated.

I’m a 29 year old built from strong Irish/German/English stock: all of my weight falls into my belly and I have naturally glowing skin. As a girl with slim limbs, prominent facial bones, and “a pretty face,” people assume I’m pregnant.  While there is beauty in pregnancy and it’s a natural condition of our bodies, fat is also a natural aspect of our bodies.

Sometimes I question if there’s not something else there. It wasn’t until the elderly lady was so obviously offended by my fatness that I began to wonder: is it easier for people believe a large woman is pregnant rather than see her as a “a fat girl who is pretty”?

Is it more comforting for us to assume that a woman is pregnant than it is to believe a woman can be fat and beautiful? Why does my body and it’s natural state impact people who don’t know me?  And why do we feel the need and drive to comment directly to a stranger about their body?

Over the years, my reactions have changed. For a while I was embarrassed, mumbling that I’m not pregnant, and then I’d shuffle off. There was a period where I’d get angry, defensive, and just let them know through tone and facial expressions that not only was I NOT pregnant, they were an asshole.  Nowadays, I unapologetically just let them know I’m just fat before going about my business.

There have been times I’ve seen a woman and thought, “Is she, or isn’t she?” Never mind the fact it isn’t any of my business, but I also can’t imagine commenting … only to be wrong. To put that woman through the flood of emotions that I’ve felt over the years. Instead, I smile and walk along.

Have you ever been on the receiving end of a pregnancy comment when you weren’t? What was your response? Alternately, have you ever mistakenly asked a woman when she was due, to find out she was just fat?

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Call her Ash, Ashe, or Ashley– she doesn’t mind! Already Pretty contributor Ashley began blogging in 2007 about fashion and style to fill a void in her life while living in the wintery tundra of Indiana. Her blog Dramatis Personae focuses on food, life & style.  Ashley’s love of fashion began at 10, when she bought her first issue of Seventeen magazine; this also began a life long battle with learning to love her body (she never looked like the girls who graced those pages). As a plus-sized woman, she loves promoting fashion for all women and shops that want to make all ladies feel beautiful.  She currently calls New Orleans home and share her little house with a wonderful fiance and two brilliant and playful Maine Coons kitties.

 

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Body Love, Pride, and Vanity

by Sally on January 31, 2013 · 17 comments

Occasionally, someone will pipe up in a conversation about body image to request consideration of pride and vanity. Suggestions of praising one’s own body aloud – either into a mirror or in conversation with others – can seem not only challenging, but downright conceited to some. Lavishing adoration upon one’s physical form is so far from the norm that it can feel foreign, uncomfortable, even dirty and shameful. Body love and self-acceptance are important, but at what point do we veer over into body worship and self-absorption?

Personally, I’ve always worried about issues of humility, bragging, and self-importance. Probably because, back in middle school when I was bullied the most, those concerns ranked high on the list of potential accusations that girls hurled at one another. The question of “Who do you think you are?” was never an existential, philosophical one, but instead a disgusted jab at young women who – according to their enraged peers – dared think highly of themselves and show it. And I know that I am not alone in having experienced this self-esteem-related hazing. From a very early age, women are trained to avoid behaviors associated with pride and vanity, and also to actively suppress any expressions of positive self-regard and personal accomplishment. The occasional comment upon our goals and achievements might slip past unnoticed, but to openly praise our looks, bodies, health, or physical forms aloud to others is to risk scorn and ridicule.

In my own experience, words and actions are more likely to land badly when they involve or invoke comparison. If a friend has been lamenting how she feels about her inner thighs, and I respond by expressing pride in my own? That’s potentially hurtful and arguably unnecessary. But if I bring up my own inner thighs in the context of a larger conversation about bodies, or unrelated to other topics at hand, I am keeping the focus on my own feelings about my own body. From what I’ve seen boasting and bragging often seem to drag other people and their feelings into the mix. Simple expressions of pride are more isolated.

But it’s virtually impossible to gauge how others will react to your words and actions. You can keep you comments and actions focused on you, avoid comparison, phrase carefully, and have the absolute best of intentions and STILL hurt feelings or raise hackles. When you talk about yourself, some folks immediately relate your words to themselves and shuck off all context. So what do we do?

In my opinion, the best way to change this norm is to push against it. If we want other women to feel like they can express happiness about and pride in themselves, we’ve got to (occasionally) risk expressing those sentiments ourselves. Risk scorn, risk ridicule, risk looking prideful and vain to those who wish to see those traits in others. Whenever possible, opening conversational threads about the importance of body love and expression of pride will help, too: The instinct to scoff at expressions of self-love is strong and ingrained, so drawing attention to this instinct might help curb it.

Each woman must decide for herself what feels right. I may go much farther in my bold statements about my own beauty, strength, and grace than you and feel perfectly comfortable. Neither of us is wrong. But hopefully both of us are willing to risk a little bit of peer judgment so that the generations of women behind us might be able to express body pride while avoiding accusations of body vanity.

Photo courtesy Dey Alexander

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