body image

Photography and Body Image

by Sally on May 22, 2013 · 30 comments

Back in March, I linked to Anna’s post in which she discussed what she learned from taking a photo of herself every day for a month. And even before that, a friend sent me this post about feeling too fat to be photographed. Both women’s perspectives have been rattling around in my brain ever since. Ultimately, both came out in favor of photography as a positive force for preserving memories, self-reflection, and even body positivity.

At my last office job, I was the staff photographer. Whenever a new employee came on board, it was my responsibility to connect with her/him for a headshot that would be used for internal communications. Wanna know how many of these new hires enjoyed being photographed? That’s right: ZERO. It didn’t matter how old, young, fat, skinny, or traditionally attractive they were, they all loathed the process. Looking back, I wish I’d thought to poll them because I’m sure they harbored a variety of reasons for fearing the lens.

For five of the six years this blog has been up and running, Husband Mike has taken near-daily photos of me. Full-body, head-to-toe shots that show my face and figure in all its perfectly imperfect glory. He was a professional photographer long before we met, so I knew going in that I’d be featured in lots of photos. Couldn’t have predicted it would be this many or that I’d be posting them to a website. As you can imagine, I’ve grown used to being photographed myself, and don’t much mind it. Most of the time. But I can see definite pros and cons, learning opportunities and self-image pitfalls inherent in being regularly (or even irregularly) photographed. Such as:

Photographs offer a different perspective

PRO: What looks great/awful in the mirror can look awful/great in a still image. When I do style consults, I photograph all the outfits we create so my clients can see what they look like from a perspective that differs from their own. They are a fabulous teaching tool when it comes to understanding figure, proportion, and flattery.

CON: Photographs are fixed, so it can be hard to determine if they are a “truer” representation of how something/someone looks than the real, living thing. Additionally seeing a photograph that doesn’t align with your internal ideas of how something/someone looks can be incredibly jarring and upsetting.

Photographs capture moments in time

PRO: Well, you want some moments captured. It’s that whole memory-preservation thing. And it can be rewarding and eye-opening to see snapshots of your former self and consider how you felt at the time. Most women I know have shared stories about looking at photos from high school or college and realizing that they were lovely, radiant creatures back then yet still hated their bodies. Also many of us were awkward as youngsters, and it can feel good to know you’ve outgrown some gawk.

CON: Some moments get captured against your will. In fact, “captured” is all too apt in these cases as bad photos can feel like emotional jail cells.

Photographs remind us what humans look like

PRO: I’m assuming that, like me, you don’t have professional hair and makeup before and professional Photoshop retouching afterwards. The photos we take of ourselves and each other are great reminders that magazine and online photos we see of the rich and famous have been altered beyond the humanity threshold. It can be good to see photos of regular people – even ourselves – because they remind us that people have pores, fat rolls, flyaway hairs, and all sorts of other horrifying things that celeb and ad photos make us believe are heinous.

CON: Comparing a photo of yourself to a professionally retouched photo can lead to nasty, comparative thoughts. It all depends on your mood.

My biggest hang-up about being photographed? Total lack of control. I trust HM to take the best possible photos of me, but am much less trusting of other photographers. And if HM approaches me with a camera before I’ve showered or on a day when I’m especially cranky or at a time when I’m just not in the mood to be photographed, I get downright hostile. For me, I see this reaction as being linked to my own utterly false belief that I control how others see me. Minus the camera, I feel in control of my image. Once the shutter starts clicking, I realize that lighting, body position, and countless other uncontrolled factors may affect the finished, permanent image.

Interestingly, I’d say I was less anxious about being photographed before the advent of digital. When someone started snapping photos with a film camera, I knew it’d be ages before I could gauge my photographic fate on a glossy print, so I just went with it. Now, I need to see the shot right away. And, of course, knowing that digital photos get Facebooked, Tweeted, and Instagrammed at lightning speed makes the process all the more perilous.

Despite all this, I do agree with Anna and Teresa. I think that if the average person were to undertake a daily self-portrait project, she would round it out feeling happier and more confident than when she began. We are our own harshest critics, and seeing an alternate presentation of self can quiet that critical voice. Also fear of photography breeds avoidance of photography because so much of what we’re dreading is the act itself. Allowing ourselves to become accustomed to regular photographs makes the process feel less scary and fraught with expectation.

And because of my own experiences with my own image and its relationship to my self-esteem, I think that photography can be a helpful tool for seeing myself. When I’m feeling awful about my body, I don’t want to look at it. I hide from mirrors, cameras, anything that will shove my own image at me. But looking at myself is vital because – for me – it breeds acceptance, tenderness, motivation, and care. To look at myself is to confront myself. Photos force that. For those of us who struggle to feel good about our physical selves, this can be downright terrifying. But unless we see ourselves, how can we be ourselves?

How do you feel about being photographed? What do you love about it? Hate about it? Would you ever undertake a daily self-portrait project? Do you agree that lack of control is part of what breeds photo fear? Are you more anxious about photography in the age of digital cameras and social media?

Image courtesy Nikon.

{ 30 comments }

Yes You Can (Wear That)

by Une Femme on May 15, 2013 · 16 comments

Photo by Une Femme

How many times have you been out shopping with a friend, and watched as she picks up something lovely from the rack, looks at it longingly, sighs, then puts it back, saying “I can’t wear that; I’m too _______.” How many times have you done this yourself? How many times do we say and hear, “Well, that only would look good on a model?”

I grew up hearing the refrain, “you can’t wear that.” No horizontal stripes, nothing tucked in, no two-piece bathing suits. I learned early on that only certain body types “should” wear certain styles, that “some lucky women can wear anything and look good,*” and that the rest of us mere mortals must make do with more limitations. And I’m here to tell you, as the old song goes, ” ’tain’t necessarily so.”

We all know now that images in magazines, in ads, and often on television are digitized and manipulated to elongate, erase lumps and bumps, and “perfect” images. Nobody and nothing looks the way it does in a fashion editorial, where everything has been manipulated for artistic effect.

Clothing for online and catalog shoots is often pinned in back or otherwise adjusted beyond recognition to fit the model’s body. While we should continue to lobby retailers for models of all shapes and sizes to better represent how the clothing will look on a variety of shapes, in the meantime we must remind ourselves that often the item of clothing shown won’t look like that on us; in fact it won’t look like that on anyone because it’s far less tailored than it’s been manipulated to appear. (One personal red flag: if sweater or jacket is always shown belted though it doesn’t come with a belt, that’s a sign the fit is funky.)

Even though a celebrity may be snapped in public wearing the same Gap jeans that you wear, chances are hers have been painstakingly altered to fit her body perfectly, and that a stylist helped pick that particular tee (hemmed perhaps just an inch or two), sweater and bag she’s wearing with them to create perfectly balanced proportions.

So we need to let go of thinking that if an article of clothing looks different on us than in the catalog or online image, or on a celebrity or model that it’s somehow wrong for us, or that our bodies are “wrong” for the style. Just as no single item of clothing looks great on every body, there is no single body type that looks great in every style.

I’ve discovered, much to my surprise and delight, that some items of clothing may actually look better on us than they do on the models in the shoots or ads. I recently tried on a jacket in a department store that fit me wonderfully and looked fabulous on. It curved where I curved, and was a perfect length. I went home to search for the same item online to see if I could find it at a discount anywhere, and couldn’t believe the images I saw were the same jacket. On the models it looked boxy and stiff, not at all how it looked on me, and I never would have given it a second look had I seen it on online or in a print ad first. (And I’ve also found that sometimes a couple of simple alterations are all that’s needed to take an item from “meh” to “wow.”)

I’m not arguing against proper fit here, or in favor of wearing something that doesn’t suit you or your style. What I’m saying is that if it fits (or can be altered to fit), if you love it, then Yes You Can Wear That even if your waist is thicker than the model’s, or your legs shorter, your shoulders broader, or your backside curvier. Clear your mind of preconceptions of how it “should” look. Try it on. You might be pleasantly surprised.

*I’ve come to believe that this is more a function of confidence and attitude than body type.

_ _ _ _ _

Already Pretty contributor Une Femme is fifty-six, married to the same wonderful monsieur since 1995, the mother of a special-needs teenager and two hooligan dogs, a full-time administrative professional, a coffee-holic, Paris-obsessed, native Californian, and a petite and curvy femme d’un certain age. She believes that personal style is an essential form of self-expression, and started her blog, Une femme d’un certain âge, in 2007 hoping to start a conversation about style for women over 50.

{ 16 comments }

Clothes that Make You Feel Good

by Sally on May 13, 2013 · 7 comments

We talk a lot about figure flattery around here. There are more requests for posts related to traditional figure-flattery priorities than just about any other topic, so many discussions point in that direction. But I hope that this message is always clear: YOU get to choose your own figure-flattery priorities, even if they go against the traditional grain. You are the one wearing the clothes and feeling the feelings, and that means you get to make the choices.

Clothes that flatter your figure along traditional lines – elongating legs, cinching waists, creating hourglass silhouettes – can make you feel good about yourself and your body. But so can clothes that do NONE of those things. Clothes that make you feel good about yourself and your body run the gamut, and can affect your well-being and emotional state for a multitude of reasons.

Color

Seeing color can affect your emotions, and so can wearing color. As I’ve said many times, even if a woman looks ghastly in yellow I’m inclined to tell her to keep on wearing it if it makes her feel amazing. And, of course, there are ways to wear color that will have minimal impact on your complexion: Lower on the body, as shoes or accessories, or broken up within patterns. But however you do it, remember that wearing colors you love is a great shortcut to creating outfits that make you feel marvelous.

Pattern

Solid colors can be soothing, but patterns can be enlivening. If the boost you need is an energy boost, go for dots, plaid, florals, paisleys, or stripes. Pattern mixing is a fun sartorial challenge, but just throwing a single pattern into your outfit mix can lift your spirits.

Comfort

A pair of heels can make you feel good about your long leg line, but a pair of flats can make you feel good by cradling your feet. A belted sheath dress will look chic in many cases, but a tunic and leggings might feel more welcoming. Clothing that works with – instead of against – your body and keeps your physical form comfortable will generally make you feel content while wearing it.

Texture

Slippery silk, nubby linen, thick velvet, cozy cashmere. We can take clothing texture for granted because many basics don’t feel all that interesting or luxurious. But a few key pieces in sensually pleasing textures – a scarf or sweater, skirt worn against bare legs, or even an invisible camisole worn beneath other garments – can completely transform how you feel about your look and your figure.

Sentimental value

Many of the items that stick around through closet purges regardless of their ability to flatter our figures do so because they are associated with certain people or events in the past. And this is NOT a bad thing! So long as you have the storage, keep them. And if they bring you joy, wear them. And consider sharing their stories with others so that joy can be augmented.

Security

Aside from 5″ stilettos worn on cobblestone streets, most clothing doesn’t pose safety risks. But certain garments can enhance feelings of safety and security merely by design. Scarves help us feel less exposed, cardigans help us feel enveloped, flat boots ground us, jackets imbue us with authority. Feeling secure in your clothes can boost your confidence and buoy your emotions.

Clothes that feel good may do so because they feature gorgeous colors or prints. You may enjoy the texture of the fabric against your skin. Wearing certain items may remind you of people or places from your past. Aside from traditional figure flattery, there are many reasons why clothing might feel good to wear. And it’s a good idea to wear as many items that make you feel fabulous as you possibly can.

Images courtesy Gudrun Sjödén

{ 7 comments }

Mirror Mirror Challenge and Giveaway

by Sally on May 10, 2013 · 48 comments

I promised Kjerstin Gruys that I would participate in her Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall blogger challenge. I promised her! My friend and colleague, a woman for whom I have tremendous respect and whose work I am proud to help promote. And friends, I managed to tackle the challenge … but still feel a bit like a failure.

I was really looking forward to this challenge because I have often gone for nearly full days without looking at myself in a mirror, then caught my reflection and realized I forgot to pencil in my eyebrows/wear earrings/fix my hair from that recent encounter with A High Wind. I can get so caught up in the day’s tasks and ruminations that I forget my physicality entirely, so the challenge of going mirror-free from waking till sleeping seemed like it would be a relatively easy but fabulously introspective exercise.

The past few weeks have been busy and hectic, and there were very few days in which I felt comfortable doing messy hair or going eyebrow-pencil-free. Because my calendar has been filled to the brim with book events and speaking engagements and TV appearances and style consult clients and business meetings. And as someone who works in a style-related field, I just couldn’t handle the pressure of winging it sans mirrors for any of those things. How I look is part of my brand, part of my business. And since my pixie can get really funky if it hasn’t been flat-ironed, and since I can’t apply lip color without looking, and since I really do prefer to make sure my outfit looks polished and appropriate when I’m doing business stuff … I just couldn’t go mirror-free on a day in which I’d be interacting with clients, customers, or the press. My anxiety won out. In fact, the mere thought of heading out to a paid speaking engagement or client meeting without being able to check myself in a mirror makes my heart race a bit.

So my mirror-free day was a day spent at home, working by myself in the company of my cats. I know, total cop-out. I did my hair messy (more or less like this), pulled on a foolproof outfit (this one), and settled in. It was a day of writing, conference calls, and online client correspondence so I was absorbed in my work all day long. I didn’t need to leave the house, so I didn’t.

What I learned:

It is HARD to avoid mirrors

I felt like covering the two mirrors in my home would bring my cheating to a whole new level, so I left them alone. And the main thing I noticed throughout the day was that when I passed a mirror, I wanted to look into it. I turned toward it automatically. That need to assess my looks at every given opportunity was strong to the point of feeling like an instinct. Though I know it is not one.

But engaging my brain makes it easier

As I mentioned above, I can get pretty caught-up in my work – or even in non-work activities like reading or house cleaning/organization projects – and when I do, it never occurs to me to stop and consult the mirror. Unless I am walking by one, I don’t feel compelled to check. I often conflate boredom and hunger, which results in mindless snacking. When I’m not bored – when my brain is fully engaged – I snack a lot less. Mirror use feels similar. I don’t need it, but when I’m feeling at loose ends or even a little bit bored, I’m more likely to do it.

I am terrified of presenting an unchecked appearance in a business situation

Again, mentioned this above but it bears repeating. I hadn’t realized how important it had become for me to be able to monitor my appearance, hadn’t given serious thought to that brand-look connection. I mean, I try my best to look my best whenever I’m doing anything related to my business, but I’d never realized that my schedule makes going a day without mirrors feel impossible. Not be impossible, as I know I certainly could’ve sucked it up and gone to any one of those meetings in an unchecked state without bursting into flames. Doing so would’ve been a fascinating and worthwhile experiment. But what if I showed up for a client meeting looking rumpled? The client’s confidence in my expertise could be damaged, and she might be less likely to recommend me to friends. What if I show up for a reading in a slightly mussed state? Attendees might question my judgment and be less likely to buy my book. Big ifs, possible excuses. But I just couldn’t let go of those potentially damaging possibilities.

I’m still mulling what this means and if I should adjust any behaviors or expectations accordingly. As I said, I often get ready in the morning using a mirror, work all day, and don’t check my reflection until late at night. So I don’t feel like I have an unhealthy relationship with mirrors or an obsession with my own reflection. But I do feel like I’ve begun to equate controlling my appearance with keeping my business afloat. And that equation might need to be tweaked over time.

I may not have any mind-blowing insights to share, but I DO have a copy of Kjerstin’s truly engaging and thought-provoking book – Mirror, Mirror, Off the Wall – to give away to one lucky Already Pretty reader. To enter the drawing, just leave a comment on this post telling us if YOU would be able to do a day without mirrors. Be sure to enter a valid e-mail address into the e-mail field when you comment. (No need to put it in the body of the comment.) I’ll draw a winner on May 17 and notify the winner via e-mail. This contest is open to all readers, including international. Good luck!

{ Comments on this entry are closed }

Bridging the Gap: Straddling Between Standard & Plus Sizes

by Ashe on May 9, 2013 · 53 comments

Heazure asked, Could you do a post addressing people on the “cusp” between plus sizes and straight sizes? I’m a 14/16 and it’s maddening, and I was happy to share my experiences and insights.

For most of my life it’s felt like no matter WHAT my size, I’ve always straddled the “cusp” between standard sizes and plus sizes. Size 10? Well, that’s still a size 14 and we don’t stock it. Size 20? Well, your arms, legs, bust and hips are too small to fit in everything. Most of my life, I’ve straddled the 14-18 range, and it’s effin’ hard. I stopped wearing oversized everything in high school, so it can feel especially difficult to find a fitted shirt, dress, or skirt when I’m on the cusp. (You’re on the cusp! You’re plus, but not! You must hide your body!)

Many standard clothing stores stop at a size 14 (and some stop at a 12). Many plus-size shops begin at a 14 … and yet there’s this huge difference in the way those two size 14s are designed. Many women find that at the standard shop, you’ll get a little muffin top, the thighs may be too tight, but when you pop into the plus-sized shop, you’re finding that the pants are falling off of you everywhere.

For a comparison: The Limited, Express, and Eloquii are all sister shops, and you can see how their sizes compare:

At Express, a size 14 has a 40″ bust, 32.5″ waist, and 43.5″ hips.
At the Limited, a size 14 has a 41.25″ bust, a 34″ waist, and 44″ hips.
At Eloquii, the size 14 Women’s has a 42″ bust, a 37″ waist, and 45″ hips.

Between the Express and Eloquii size 14s, you have a 4.5″ size difference. And what happens if you’re between that Limited 34″ and Eloquii 37″ waist? A 3″ gap is a pretty big! And yet, when you’re on the cusp of clothing sizes, that’s a pretty frequent occurrence.

Shopping is already a difficult, anxiety-inducing task for many of us. When you’re a size that’s on the cusp (and that could be another cusp — perhaps you’ve got a very petite frame and a 0 or 00 is a bit too big!), it just feels like extra work. You’re too large for one shop, too small for another.

Another factor that contributes to this is grading scale for patterns. In a standard size shops, clothes are usually graded with a 1″ difference between sizes; yet as soon as you hit size 10 or 12, the grading jumps up to an 1.5″. Once you’ve moved into full-on plus-sizes, it’s not uncommon to see a 3″ variation between sizes, which means it can be difficult to find that perfect fit.

It’s Not You.

Sally says this all the time, and it’s true. Straddling the cusp isn’t YOUR fault. Don’t beat yourself up, think your bangin’ bod is odd, or swear off fashion forever.

They’re just clothes.

Each store has their own version of the ideal customer, vanity sizing, and sense of draping. Even if you absolutely love J.Crew, Anthropologie, or Nasty Gal OMG SO MUCH, their styles may not work with your body. But the amazing thing about shopping and the internet? How much easier it becomes EVERY DAY to find the styles you want, a size that fits, and a brand you love (and can afford!).

Know which Shops ARE Designed to Fit You.

It took me a long time to learn that the woman Lane Bryant designs for is not shaped like me. And neither is the girl Urban Outfitter designs for.

I’m sure you’ve found a few places where you’ve bought clothes and felt good. What is it about those items that do work? Is it ample room in the bust? Extra space in the hips? A slim cut thigh? Do you need a junior’s fit, a standard fit or a women’s fit? Once you know what brands work and what it is you want from your clothing, finding that perfect fit becomes a bit easier.

I’ve personally found luck with places like ASOS, City Chic, Modcloth & Ruche’s plus selections. I have luck at places like Macy’s, Kohl’s, Target, or Old Navy, where the standard range may run from 0-20 and they have a variety of junior’s, standard, and women’s fit.

If you’re having a hard time finding brands that work for you, a service like Gwynnie Bee may help. For a monthly fee, you “rent” clothes from a wide variety of brands. Sizes start at 10 and go up. I received a one month free trial from Wardrobe Oxygen, and my quick and honest thoughts are: For a woman going through weight change, starting a new job, or who has a tendency to wear clothes a few times and then buy new items, it’s WELL worth the cost.

Find Inspiration in People Built Like You.

I may have a fashion blog, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have days when I hate fashion. I love looking at women of all shapes and sizes, because a great eye for shape, pattern, and styling is universal.

But finding other bloggers built similarly to me? It’s a huge relief.

It doesn’t matter if they’re a size 2, 12, or 22; I know which bloggers aren’t super busty, who gains weight in their stomach, and those who may have a long torso. For those who fall into a similar size range as me, I check out the places they shop. As a result I’ve found tons of new shops I’d have never known about. They’ve lead me to independent designers who create custom clothes for women of all sizes.

The average American woman is a size 12-14, which means a larger portion of women are likely straddling the cusp than we realize. If you’re in that cusp, I’d love to hear your thoughts — what tips and tricks you’ve learned for shopping or what fabrics or styles you’ve found are great and easy to adapt for your body.

_ _ _

Call her Ash, Ashe, or Ashley– she doesn’t mind! Already Pretty contributor Ashley began blogging in 2007 about fashion and style to fill a void in her life while living in the wintery tundra of Indiana. Her blog Dramatis Personae focuses on food, life & style. Ashley’s love of fashion began at 10, when she bought her first issue of Seventeen magazine; this also began a life long battle with learning to love her body (she never looked like the girls who graced those pages). As a plus-sized woman, she loves promoting fashion for all women and shops that want to make all ladies feel beautiful. She currently calls New Orleans home and share her little house with a wonderful fiance and two brilliant and playful Maine Coons kitties.

{ 53 comments }

Reader Request: Insecurity, Jealousy, and Closeness

by Sally on April 22, 2013 · 29 comments

Reader K e-mailed me with this question:

I’ve always dealt with insecurity issues and some of them go beyond body image into the range of general personality, so I understand that some of this is probably beyond the scope of what you’d write about for the blog. My brother-in-law has a somewhat-long-term girlfriend that makes me feel incredibly intimidated and insecure, but it’s not intentional on her part and the problem lies entirely with me. The fact that it’s my problem and is something I logically know I shouldn’t feel insecure over adds to me feeling frustrated and ashamed of myself, on top of feeling crappy and inadequate as a person. At the start of this year, I decided to work on feeling good about myself so that I can feel better as I go about my life and hopefully have a good relationship with whoever my BIL may marry on down the line. This has manifested itself in a few different ways and directions, one of which is the style angle (and thus, your blog).

My question is this: what does a person do when a source of insecurity/body issues comes from someone closer than celebrities, models, or even people you went to school with? On those occasions where all the positive thinking in the world doesn’t seem to help? Most of the time I’m good, but I still have moments where I feel horrible and can’t seem to shake myself out of it easily. In those moments, thinking positive thoughts about myself doesn’t work, trying to put myself in her shoes (maybe she’s insecure or intimidated by me in some fashion) doesn’t work, wearing a fabulous outfit doesn’t work, and genuine, unsolicited encouragement/compliments from others doesn’t work. Is it one of those cases where it boils down to just trying to keep on keeping on?

A secondary question/observation is that admitting to feeling insecure/jealous of someone else in any way seems to be very frowned-upon. While searching the internet for answers I’ve read different forum posts on this topic, from women feeling insecure of an in-law (usually mother or sister) or sometimes a sister or female cousin. Every time, there would be at least a handful of responses along the lines of: “You’re just jealous and childish and a bad person for feeling that way.” Even if there was no malicious intent stated and the original poster openly acknowledged that they knew feeling insecure/jealous is not a good thing and they wanted to work to fix it. Can there be any meaningful dialogue where these feelings are acknowledged as a legitimate issue for some people, without condoning/endorsing them as a good thing -or- shaming them into being too afraid of judgement to ask for advice to get past it and be happy and confident?

K is dealing with a tough situation. So many fraught emotions, so much stress, and no clear or easy path. I certainly don’t feel like I have a solid, foolproof answer, but here’s what I told her:

Try to remember that if you feel something, it is valid. Just the fact that you’re feeling it makes it so. People get jealous, insecure, and intimidated all the time! ALL THE TIME, I say! It’s completely natural! To shame people for feeling those things doesn’t make them any easier to cope with, and is often just a way for certain advice-givers to make themselves feel superior. I feel jealous myself, and although I try to identify the root of the emotion (which is often related to my own fears and insecurities), I don’t beat myself up for it. Try to give yourself some space and forgiveness around these feelings because loading shame on top of everything else is just going to make it all feel insurmountable.

The idea that has helped me the most when dealing with jealousy and insecurity is this: Often, feeling envious of someone stems from perceiving them to have something you wish you had yourself, or feel they don’t deserve. The fundamental flaw in this logic is that it rests upon the misconception that there is a limited amount of happiness and success in the world. (Or charisma, sex appeal, talent, beauty … any covetable trait.) Without realizing it, we decide that the person in question has it, and that makes it less likely or more difficult for us to get it ourselves. It’s not something most people actively ponder, but it’s at the root of a LOT of jealousy and insecurity. And once you see that and start to move past it, those feelings often loosen. You are an autonomous individual, and your own happiness and success is not contingent upon the actions of anyone but yourself. It’s a lot of responsibility, but it’s also liberating.

I also asked K to consider examining what it is, specifically, about this woman that makes her feel insecure. Does she have something you don’t? Is it something you want? Is it something that has been hard for you to get? Why? Has this always been the case? What can you do to take control of that part of your life? Alternately, does this woman remind you of some other person or relationship from your past? Is it possible that it’s not her so much as what she reminds you of?

Another tactic to consider: My mom once told me that there will be some people in your life who are just “difficult personalities.” And labeling them as such – internally, of course – can be really helpful. It may sound small-minded, but here’s why it’s potentially helpful: You interact with someone, you feel insecure, then you feel cruddy for feeling insecure, then you feel confused, and maybe hopeless. If you enter into your interactions with this person knowing ahead of time that she’s a “difficult personality,” you won’t beat yourself up if your emotions spin out of control. You can just say, “Oh yeah, she’s hard for me to handle. And that’s OK.” You don’t have to change yourself or her, just change how you view the situation and give both of you room to be yourselves.

Finally, if you feel there’s real friction on both sides, you could consider trying to broach the subject with the person causing these difficult feelings. She may be a permanent fixture in your life, so it would help to clear the air. If that’s not gonna happen, you could also consider talking about or even cultivating mutual interests. Do you both like shopping? Love a certain band or author? Or would you consider asking her to join you at an event or for a class? Having something specific in common might make some of the other stuff fall away. You can focus on the places you two overlap, and less on the places where you diverge.

Have any of you ever dealt with a close person causing insecurity and jealousy? How did you deal with it? Would any of these suggestions have worked? Do you feel like there’s a lot of judgment laid upon people who confess to feeling jealous?

Image courtesy Elis W. Alves.

{ 29 comments }

Reader Request: Weight Worries

by Sally on April 11, 2013 · 44 comments

Allison popped this question into the suggestion box:

I would love to see something on maintaining a weight you feel happy with without stressing/keeping your emotional well-being in check while eating what you want and not gaining weight.

Eating and weight are incredibly personal, and there’s no single way to deal with either that will work for everyone. Maintaining a certain weight will mean different actions for different people. “Eating what you want and not gaining weight” is especially tricky for many people, myself included. (What I want is generally deep-fried, and a steady diet of fried items probably won’t help me out in the longevity department. Or the self-love department either.) I wish I had an easy answer to this one, but I’m afraid I don’t. I’m not a psychologist or a nutritionist or a fitness expert. All I can do is share what’s worked for me and hope that will spark a larger conversation. So let’s take this a chunk at a time:

Maintaining a weight you feel happy with

Gosh, even this is challenging. Many women are unhappy with their weight, no matter how much or little they weigh. Most people also have a set point – a bit of a misnomer as it’s really a range of weights that bodies return to again and again – and although this can change, it is typically identifiable. Over your adult life, what is the weight range that you’ve stuck to for the longest? Or come back to the most times? Mine is right in the 140 -150 pound range, and has been since I was about 18.

But set point is wiggly and won’t work for everyone. If you have gained or lost weight gradually over many years, your body may cling to a new set point. Or you may feel like your natural set point has always been higher or lower than you’d like it to be. I bring it up because – as someone who has battled weight and self-image issues my whole life – my own weight has fluctuated almost constantly, and I have seldom felt truly content and happy with my weight.* No matter what I weighed, it generally felt “wrong.” Set point seems relatively concrete, but also personal and flexible. It’s YOUR set point, the place where your body seems to want to rest. (As opposed to BMI or other measures that leave no room for individuality.)

Maintenance itself is totally personal. What you eat and do to keep your weight at a certain point will be very specific to you. If you are currently at a weight that you’d like to maintain, consider talking with a nutritionist, fitness expert, or doctor about what might help keep you there.

Keeping your emotional well-being

Staying positive and happy when it comes to weight and self-image can be tough, too, especially if you’re someone who has struggled with eating and weight for a long time. We live in a world full of judgmental messages about food, eating, exercise, fitness, and weight so it can feel nearly impossible to find serenity. One thing that I’ve found helpful is to think about food as fuel. I love food and eating, and associate both with social situations and emotional states. I can’t change that. But using some of what I learned at Green Mountain, I’ve started to think about what my body is really asking for. When I feel a craving hit, I try to distance myself and examine what’s going on. And much of the time when chocolate and French fries eclipse everything else in my brain, it’s water, rest, or emotional reassurance that I really want. And if I really do need food, I’ve found that the craving for fries often vanishes if I eat a pear instead. (Not always!) It’s completely unscientific, but it works for me. And just thinking about food as fuel – something my body needs to function – strips away some of the stress and emotion that typically surrounds eating. For me.

I think a key concept to ponder as you look at maintaining your emotional well-being as it relates to weight is this: Be kind to yourself. If you eat more than you “should,” forgive. If you feel like every decision you make about food is stressful, consider ways to make it less loaded. Ask for help. Talk about how you feel with people you trust. Our culture encourages restrictive eating, categorizes foods and activities as “good” and “bad,” and does loads of other things that make it tough to stay positive. As you navigate all of that, try to remember that you deserve kindness from yourself. Always.

Eating what you want and not gaining weight

Honestly, I’ve got nothing. I know there are people out there who want to eat raw greens and quinoa every day, but I am not one of them. The only thing I can offer here from my personal experience comes down to re-thinking how you categorize food. When I think of French fries – my favorite food – I think reward, happy, and delicious but also fatty, naughty, and bad. When I think of kale I think of healthy, nutritious, and good but also nasty, punishment, and chores. Nowadays, I try to remember that “healthy” foods like fresh fruits and veggies are not punishment foods. They’re not inherently “good” either, as too many cherries will make me just as sick (or sicker) as too many fries. If you can merge “eating what you want” with “eating nutritious, healthy foods” it might help stave off additional weight gain.

But it might not. The reason that I gained weight over the holidays last year was that I was eating what I wanted and not worrying about it. And I think that’s pretty common. I wasn’t eating fast food at every meal, and most of my eating choices were sound. I still gained weight. I’ve never been able to kick my eating, exercise, and body care routines into auto pilot and maintain a set weight. Ever.

Again, I wish so hard that I had some less negative and more concrete answers for you and for Allison, but since I’m not a health expert myself and since my own experiences have been somewhat challenging and frustrating, this is the best I can offer. I try to steer clear of topics that are directly related to food since they are so volatile and personal, but since this question tied into weight and self-image I wanted to share my own experiences. And, of course, I’d love to hear yours. What’s your experience with maintaing a certain weight? How do you keep your emotional well-being in good shape when it comes to weight, eating, and body image? Any ideas or tips for eating what you want and staying healthy?

PLEASE NOTE:

If you feel strongly about this issue, express your views respectfully and civilly or they will not be published. I’m happy to participate in a discussion that includes contrary opinions, but will not tolerate cruelty.
Be courteous and kind to each other when responding to remarks from other readers.

*As a sidenote, writing here and doing lots of personal work and reflection have brought me to the point where I love and accept myself. But although I’m overjoyed to have made this peace with my physical self, feeling actively happy about my body is still a daily battle for me.

Image courtesy Mason Masteka.

{ 44 comments }

Body Image-boosting Quotes

by Sally on March 21, 2013 · 5 comments

“Growing into your future … requires a dedication to caring for yourself as if you were rare and precious, which you are, and regarding all life around you as equally so, which it is.”
~ Victoria Moran

“You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won’t discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself.”
~Geneen Roth

“Girls of all kinds can be beautiful — from the thin, plus-sized, short, very tall, ebony to porcelain skinned, the quirky, clumsy, shy, outgoing and all in between. It’s not easy though because many people still put beauty into a confining, narrow box…Think outside of the box…Pledge that you will look in the mirror and find the unique beauty in you.”
~Tyra Banks

“It’s also helpful to realize that this very body that we have, that’s sitting right here right now … with its aches and its pleasures … is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive.”
~ Pema Chodron

“Even the models we see in magazines wish they could look like their own images.”
~Cheri K. Erdman

“Real beauty isn’t about symmetry or weight or makeup; it’s about looking life right in the face and seeing all its magnificence reflected in your own.”
~Valerie Monroe

“One day I had to sit down with myself and decide that I loved myself no matter what my body looked like and what other people thought about my body. I got tired of hating myself.”
~Gabourey Sidibe

“Each individual woman’s body demands to be accepted on its own terms.”
~Gloria Steinem

“Everybody has a part of her body that she doesn’t like, but I’ve stopped complaining about mine because I don’t want to critique nature’s handiwork … My job is simply to allow the light to shine out of the masterpiece.”
~Alfre Woodard

“Taking joy in living is a woman’s best cosmetic.”
~Rosalind Russell

Image courtesy The Snug Bug.

{ 5 comments }

← Previous Entries