This is a question that floats around the body-loving blogosphere quite a bit, and I always struggle with it. I feel like the wisdom we might impart to our younger selves is often the kind that needs to be learned and experienced over time. When we’re young and struggling, our brains and hearts are very different … but perhaps a visit from our future selves would have beneficial impact. So, assuming it would:
If you could go back in time and visit with your teenage self (or grade school self, or college self, or any younger version of yourself), what would you tell her about her self-image? Her body? Her sexual self? Her personal style? What would you have liked to know at age 8 or 13 or 21 that you know now?
{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }
Great question, Sal! Although I made some horrendous mistakes style-wise throughout my teens, 20s (even 30s), I wouldn’t actually change any of it by being able to tell myself to do anything differently… it’s all a great learning process. BUT I really, really wish I could go back in time and tell myself to get fitted properly for a bra a lot earlier than I eventually did. Being a bit of a busty girl, I did the classic thing of wearing totally the wrong size for years, and it’s that that I see when I look at old pictures: unrestrained boobs making good clothes look bad!
I couldn’t believe the difference it made to my confidence AND what I was “able” to wear once I was wearing the right size. So girls – they’re right when they say get fitted properly!!
Catherine x
Stop over plucking your eyebrows!
That boy’s attention is not as important to your life as you think it is!
You are not now the person you will be in your 20′s, nor will the person you are in your 20′s be the person you will be in your 30′s, etc…
I would tell her that food matters. Calories in and calories burned matters. The type of food you eat matters. My parents never taught me any of this and it never clicked until I was extremely over weight. I would teach her about food health. Doesn’t matter what age she was…just anytime before highschool.
When I was in my early teens, and an ugly duckling, a girl at school was doing this “beauty course” with her sister (like makeup etc.) and told us about what she’d learned. One of the elements was bone structure. (Look, I’m not saying there was any merit to this course, just that she took it and talked incessantly about it thereafter.) Anyway, she did a “consultation” with many of us and told me that I’d age very well and be “quite attractive when I was old, much more so than now”. Needless to say, I still remember this because it was a glimmer of hope when I was pretty unhappy being me. And, dare I say it, my school friend was right.
So I’d tell my younger self not to worry, that growing into myself is in the master plan.
OMG – and what Catherine said. Get a decent bra! (Mind you, back when I first needed one there were none to be found.)
That my body is CONSTANTLY evolving. Always changing, never static.
Dear younger Brigitte,
It doesn’t matter that you’re 18+ and never been kissed because it’s just not true that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you’ll find a prince. Sure, practice makes perfect, but why must practice be with frogs? Practicing with princes, you’ll see, is much nicer. Sure, it sucks that your virginity isn’t so much a choice anymore, but talking with friends later in life, you’ll realize that you are one of very few women who never had a bad sexual experience, and maybe “waiting” wasn’t such a bad thing. But touch yourself more, learn what your body likes on your own- it helps later, you’ll see.
Just because it seems like EVERYONE is telling you you are too fat, at a size 14-16, your body is beautiful and strong and healthy, and I wish you wouldn’t let other people’s comments or comparison with your thinner sister get in the way of enjoying it. You love shopping: try harder to find clothes that look great on you instead of just defaulting to the men’s section for jeans that fit- sure, they “fit” but they don’t fit nicely around your curves, so look a little harder.
And speaking of clothes: you don’t have to wait for a special occasion to wear something else than jeans and a long-sleeve T-shirt. Raid mom’s closet- she’ll let you borrow just about anything, and she’s got great taste, so stop waiting for an invitation.
But speaking of Mom… she loves you, but she has a hard time separating her body issues from your own body. She sees her struggles with food reflected in your own struggles, and somehow this translated in her pretty much suggesting you wear tents all the time, making you feel for years that your body is something shameful, something that should be hidden, while your sister’s body is something to be cherished and admired and showcased. There’s nothing wrong with your sister’s body and there’s nothing wrong with yours either. To put it simply, mom attitude is wrong. It will take you a while to realize this but sometimes, even when someone loves you, they can’t always be the person you wish they were. Mom has her own issues to deal with, and since it makes you feel like shit to go shopping with her, just stop doing it. Soon, you’ll realize that you are happier with the process and the results when you shop on your own- yours is the only opinion that counts after all. One day, you’ll meet _THE_ prince who loves your body whatever size it is and has a wonderful eye for what it needs to be showcased at its best- take him shopping, but leave every one out of it from now on.
Your body will continue to get bigger, slowly, but never stop running and biking and enjoying life because that’s ok if you’re bigger. You’re awesome, and deep down, you know that, right?
33 year-old Brigitte
This is so lovely, and I send you and especially younger-you so many hugs, and high fives.
I would tell her that wishing for something that isn’t going to happen is a big waste of time. You look like you look so develop the confidence to rock it. Don’t let anyone stomp on your buzz (it seems that folks take pleasure in that). You be you – everyone else will just have to deal.
I think my conversation with my younger, college age self would be more along the lines of “what kind of friends do you want in your life? It is okay to set some expectations.” But style wise, I’d probably tell my high school self that it is okay to wear less makeup sometimes, and that one day, you probably won’t hate on stores that aren’t hot topic. And to enjoy the pink hair while you have it, because your future job won’t be cool with it.
I would tell my younger self to wear ALL THE MAKEUP and get her hair pink and to go goth like she wants to.
Because I, contrary to you, was not brave enough to at the time, and now I have to slip it in on the weekend and during vacations!
You are as pretty as you decide to think of yourself as. As long as you feel like unattractive, that is how others perceive you. When you think you are gorgeous, that is how others will perceive you.
Dear younger self — please don’t cut your hair like that. And get looser pants.
I would tell my younger self to start exercising regularly — not to lose weight or look a certain way, but because it is the single best energy booster, mood improver, kink remover, and general all -around positive I know. My high school did not emphasize exercise ‘for the rest of us’ but only really for jocks and athletes. In retrospect that is crazy — you don’t just teach science and math to future Ph.D’s, so why not emphasize basic fitness for all? I’m glad I exercise regularly now, but probably could have handled a lot of life stresses better if I’d started earlier, and it probably would have helped with my weight issues too.
I wish I could have told myself at 13 that getting strong would set me free. That taking care of my physical self was just as important as taking care of my intellectual development. That’s the only thing, really.
Hm. I’m hoping that some future version of myself has things figured out… I don’t yet.
Dear Teenage Self,
You will feel much better once the overbite is fixed (asked for braces in college at age 20, and I did feel so much better when they were off. Still wear retainer at 42 to keep those teeth in line!).
Beg Mom for a trip to the dermatologist. A little topical Metrogel will help with those occasional painful cysts. You’ll learn later it’s called Rosacea, and pretty easy to keep under control with the prescription creams.
Find exercise you love and do it as much as you can. It doesn’t have to be a sport, and it doesn’t matter that your friends play sports so much better than you. You need to be out there in the sunshine, burning calories while doing something that makes you laugh or at least keeps your brain in a happy place. It will be much harder to develop a regular exercise habit when you are older, and need it even more.
Your mom has some issues with her self-worth. They have nothing to do with you. Don’t let them sneak up on you; don’t absorb them into your own thinking; don’t develop the self-loathing that she has. How you feel on the inside has everything to do with how you think you look on the outside. Be around people who have healthy, positive self-images, and who can help you find yours, as much as possible.
Love, Debby
P.S. Dad was right. The right guy did come along, and he thinks you’re beautiful, even if you don’t believe him.
the PS to dad made me tear up. Thanks!
(My dad was right about the same thing)
Probably that her massive frizzy hair that everyone laughed at was actually curly and should never ever be brushed when dry! I only learned in my late teens to scrunch and leave to air dry.
Probably also that no boys liking you when you’re 13 to 14 doesn’t mean you won’t end up with a choice of a few by the time you get to 6th form (16-18 in the UK).
Don’t be so critical of your body! You should like it now before it starts sagging and wrinkling.
Just because PE at school is constant trauma doesn’t mean you don’t like being active — you do! It’s competitive sports you dislike. But yoga, weightlifting, walking and hiking are there waiting for you, and your body would like you more if you started them a little earlier.
It doesn’t matter how many perms you get; your hair will never look right curly. Accept it for what it is.
Stop drinking Coca-Cola and other sugary drinks! Tea, water and coffee will not kill you.
Amen, amen, amen!!! What a crock of BS it is when school P.E. makes young people fear exercise!
The other girls aren’t as tall or as strong as you are, but that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. And you damn well can wear pink if you want to!
When you get your first pair of glasses, don’t just pick the same frames Mom has but in a different color. Pick out something that looks good on you.
I know it hurts when the boys ignore you, but trust me – none of them were worth your time anyway. (I promise – there is one out there who will be!)
You’re an introvert and you require a long time to get to know people. The ones who make you feel bad about it aren’t the ones you should be putting effort into.
Your hair will always be problematic. Find a good stylist and learn to use the right products. It is so worth the money, and will make you feel 1000% better about yourself.
Last, but not least … Amen to what others have said about the well-fitting bras! (And no, the girls will never get much bigger.)
I’d tell her to be more comfortable with that beautiful body and have more sex!
Dear 20-something self, (I’m now 46)
You don’t have to pretend to be something you’re not. Don’t hide your intelligence. You don’t have to leave the house in full hair & makeup every day; you’re fine just the way you are. If some guy doesn’t like you for who you are, he’s not the right guy for you! Be confident and strong – this too shall pass! It gets better.
What a great idea for some self-reflection.
Dear young me,
No, your twin sister (NOT identical) is NOT the “pretty one.” You are beautiful too, and you will grow up to know this.
Please, please don’t grab onto the first guy to come along who shows any interest in you. There will be more (and better) men to come along who will love you for just being YOU.
You are going to make mistakes. Just do the best you can and carry on with dignity and a sense of humor. (You turn out great!)
Love,
Older and wiser me
I’d tell her to worry less about how she looks to other people and care more about how you treat people. You will cringe less over bad fashion choices than you will over you will over bad behavior choices.
Ughh! I would also tell her to check one more time before hitting send. Sorry .
Dear 16-year-old me:
You’re not fat.
“Dear Teen Shebolt:
I know the other kids have already damaged your sense of personal beauty to the point where you will look in the mirror and see nothing but “ugly”. It may take a while before some logical part of you looks past that gut reaction and begins to see the truth. You are beautiful. You can turn heads and stop traffic. All you really need to get there is to clean up your eyebrows and wear clothing that fits. Give away those baggy t-shirts and badly fitting jeans. They are doing you no favors.
Oh, and they will invent medication that works on your allergies so you no longer have to carry a tissue box with you during certain times of year. Guys will actually want to date you once you stop being “The Girl Who Always Sneezes.”
Love, Older Shebolt”
Seriously, I’m 41 and still struggling with the damage done by the other kids telling me how ugly I was, every single day. I recently confessed to my husband that I look into the mirror and see “Ugly”, and he looked at me in absolute disbelief and horror.
I was in the same boat for so many years! It’s only now that I’m old enough to be the mother of those 13-year-olds in my head that I’m ready to (1) forgive them and (2) stop listening to them.
I would tell the teenage Dee that you are NOT fat, and some day you are going to wish you were 135 lbs!! That feeling and acting confident will allow others to see that you are very attractive even if you dont feel it. And take a few more risks….
Dear younger self, you’re actually quite cute. Really. And that boy you like? He likes you, too. Go talk to him.
Buy stock in Apple.
Love your body as it is, right now, and start caring about it with exercise and nutritious food. Believe it or not, one day you’ll actually love to cook healthy meals.
Save your money and go to a Fantastic Sam’s or Super Cuts; instead of getting a cut, get the stylist to teach you how best to blow-dry and style your hair. Do this as many times as it takes to learn what you need to know. You will be surprised how painless and easy a workable style can be.
Please do not bother rushing a sorority.
Be kind, be generous, and dare to expect the best of people.
I wish I could tell you the right guy is going to come along. But he hasn’t, and at this point I doubt he’s going to show. I wish I could tell you that doesn’t hurt, but it does. What I can tell you is that there are worse things than being single, and your solitude does beats the hell out of a bad marriage. And you’re going to have the career and the home of your dreams; you’ll travel all over the world and have a lot of fun. It’s okay. Nobody gets everything, and what you get is pretty good.
Don’t be afraid of “girly” colours, tighter clothing or feminine styles. (That said… rethink all those shirts that show your belly and bra. There’s a time and a place, child)
Moisturize.
Find and stick with a hair dresser who won’t let you get impulse chops.
Make better friends. Be a better friend.
Listen to your sister.
Have more sex and expect luxury in it. It takes a lot of heat to last through a long-term marriage! Obviously it takes more than heat, but it also takes heat. Expect more from the people around you, and expect more from yourself. BE a better friend and push yourself to make more. Not everyone is going to be dazzled so stop waiting around for them to be. You’re moony, and that’s always going to be, but you can also let your more extroverted, practical self drive the bus sometimes. It doesn’t mean your moony self isn’t precious and perfect and wonderful, it means you’re bigger than that side alone! You can do it!
Dear young Anna: You are not required to be dowdy. That is the powerful unspoken powerful family style, but you will learn the joy of bursting out into color, line, shape, movement. Trust me–you will.
It’s going to be OK. Wear crazy trendy things and dye your hair bright colors; have a little fun and don’t take it so seriously. “Ibuprofen” – get a prescription ASAP. Sugars and starches are fattening and unhealthy for you. Cherish your parents, and your aunties and uncles, too soon they will be gone forever. Repeat: It’s going to be OK.
Younger Annalie,
While you are in gradeschool – You are not “the fat kid.” Even though you are the biggest in your class, you don’t have to BE “the fat kid.” Other people do not have the power to make you LIVE as “the fat kid.”
Get up the courage to tell your mother that you’re being made fun of for your clothes, and yes, it really is a problem, and ask for some store-bought clothes. Be persistant. Or, ask Grandma.
While you are in high school – Keep wearing those ridiculous outfits. They scare away the shallow people, and you love them. By Senior year, your peers will realize you’re worth knowing.
There’s this thing. It’s called “FACIAL LOTION.” You will save yourself 3 years of weirdly flaking face skin by using some. NOW. RUN.
Start doing yoga. You will thank yourself later in life.
Don’t wear a black sweatshirt when it’s 90 degrees outside. People assume two stereotypes about you that are not true.
You should really shower more, though.
Figure out your hair. Don’t stay with your hairdresser just because she does Mom’s hair. She’s horrible at your hair. Ask Laura about her mom BEFORE senior year, okay?
While you are in college – Seriously, bras. Those 10 dollar jobbers from Walmart are NOT working. It’s really not a fact that you HAVE to wear a cami under everything because “bras don’t fit me right.” YOUR bras don’t fit. CRAPPY bras don’t fit. Buy real bras. Seriously.
I am so proud of you for working out! Do you understand what you’re doing for your body? Way to go! Conquering your real and legitimate fear of working out in front of people is such a brave and important thing for you. Keep going!
For you after college – Flats are not “selling out.” They’re saving yourself from much torture. You teach, for goodness sakes. They don’t listen to you any better just because you’re 3 inches taller. Plus you’re cranky.
Love,
Someone who knows.
Oh Sweet Sal – this is a doozy!
I think I’d want my younger self to know the following:
1) Smart is beautiful.
2) The buck teeth, bad perm, glasses (since the age of 5) and braces all got you to where you are now – they’re okay. Wear them like a badge of courage.
3) You’ll never have a body that will “fit” on the doctor’s stupid BMI charts. Be you. Do your thing. Accept you have a more athletic physique and that muscle weighs more than fat. Dude. You look good! You’re strong!
4) Keep doing you’re own thing – it’s totally worth it and everyone eventually catches up with this mindset around 40. You’ve been doing this all along. Good for you!
5) People will say stupid sh*t to you. It’s just that…stupid. The words people say can alter your course – only if you let it.
6) You’re awesome…no really, you are. And, you turn out really really good! The only thing you have to be is yourself.
You have the right to express your beauty. Don’t feel as though you have to be mousy, that you don’t deserve to wear makeup, dress up, feel gorgeous. You can be smart and beautiful at the same time!
Start to embrace your sexuality right now. That you feel a strong drive is nothing to be ashamed of–and someday the right man will love this about you.
Oh, and don’t buy into 1980s feminism that tells you that domestic activities are beneath you. Knowing how to sew up a seam, clean soap scum, keep your undies clean without destroying them, and make a great pot roast will come in handy later on.
Dear younger me:
You are thin. You are actually really thin – quit obsessing over your fleshy thighs and take a look at all the places where your bones show, like your ribcage and your hip bones. Listen to your gym teacher when she tells you you’re too thin. Stop comparing yourself to the other women in your family, who are thinner than you in some ways but have competely different bodies. Stop hating your body…you’ll be amazed you were ever that thin one day. And while you’re at it, gain a little weight. You’ll be happier.
Stop straightening your hair. I know it changed your life when you discovered you could have shiny hair like everyone else, but you’ll be better off if you focus instead on learning how to treat your curls.
Don’t take the college major you think will be practical. It won’t be. Follow your heart and learn to do something profitable at the same time. Not pursuing your loves doesn’t make you virtuous, it only makes you miserable.
Date more, for god’s sake. It’s not the end of the world if people talk about you, or if you get rejected, or if you go on some dates with people it turns out are boring. Maybe if you went on more dates you wouldn’t fall so hard for the first guy you get along with, and continue to be hung up on through years of his obvious disinterest. You don’t have to flirt, whatever that means. Just smile at people you think are cute and ask lots of questions about their hobbies.
I know that black is easy, especially on a small budget, but there are other colors out there. You already know the ones you look good in – give them a try.
Thrift stores are not the cesspools you have found them to be. Give them time and an open mind – you’ll find a lot of great used stuff out there.
Love,
Me
Oh, I think I would tell a younger me how important it is to eat more healthy.
I’d tell me to pay zero attention to mean girls.
Dare more.
Dear younger-me,
How lovely to look back at you and be able to give advice.
You are so beautiful and much slimmer than you think. Remember that and don’t dismiss it so easily. You can be more “picky” about the men in your life…. higher standards please, as long as you are happy!
That aside, do go to the Dr and make them prescribe antibiotics for your skin, but also get them to look at the root cause. This will save time later on. Remember your skin is sensitive, so treat it with respect and buy the right products for it.
Buy clothes that fit you well, show off your figure but are also of the quality you deserve. Cheap and nasty is never good – you should have better. Don’t worry so much about following fashion, try to find style instead! Hint: classic, with a hint of retro and with an exotic twist works well…50s style dresses are a particular friend…
Start pilates now. You will love it. Seriously. Also think about a gym membership or go swimming more – your body will love you for it.
Enjoy travelling, but maybe up the suncream levels – a tan isn’t everything. Quality haircuts last well on you if looked after.
Think a bit harder about the degree you really want to do – slightly more practical? Or something you truly love.
Classic/Vintage cars will feature in your live far more than you ever realised – enjoy everything they bring.
Look out for that boy in the history seminar – he’ll is the one for life, but enjoy making him chase too!
Think that is all for now. Thanks for listening.
x
I’m going to cheat a little and post a few parts of Cheryl Strayed’s response to the same sort of question, which can be found in her book Tiny Beautiful Things, mainly because it makes me cry just about every time I read it.
“Stop worrying about whether you’re fat. You’re not fat. Or rather, you’re sometimes a little bit fat, but who gives a shit? There is nothing more boring and fruitless than a woman lamenting the fact that her stomach is round. Feed yourself. Literally. The sort of people worthy of your love will love you more for this, sweet pea.
You are not a terrible person for wanting to break up with someone you love. You don’t need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re incapable of real love or that you’ll never love anyone else again. It doesn’t mean you’re morally bankrupt or psychologically demented or a nymphomaniac. It means you wish to change the terms of one particular relationship. That’s all. Be brave enough to break your own heart.
There are some things you can’t understand yet. Your life will be a great and continuous unfolding. It’s good you’ve worked hard to resolve childhood issues while in your twenties, but understand that what you resolve will need to be resolved again. And again. You will come to know things that can only be known with the wisdom of age and the grace of years. Most of those things will have to do with forgiveness.
You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.
The useless days will add up to something. The shitty waitressing jobs. The hours writing in your journal. The long meandering walks. The hours reading poetry and story collections and novels and dead people’s diaries and wondering about sex and God and whether you should shave under your arms or not. These things are your becoming.
One Christmas at the very beginning of your twenties when your mother gives you a warm coat that she saved for months to buy, don’t look at her skeptically after she tells you she thought the coat was perfect for you. Don’t hold it up and say it’s longer than you like your coats to be and too puffy and possibly even too warm. Your mother will be dead by spring. That coat will be the last gift she gave you. You will regret the small things you didn’t say for the rest of your life.
Say thank you.”
Dear younger linnet,
If you get in the habit of regular exercise now, you’ll be thanking yourself when you’re 35. If you don’t, you won’t.
signed,
35-year-old linnet
Dear Teenage Me:
You need a lot of help–and regardless of what you’ve been led to think, there’s nothing shameful about that. Yes, teenagers are moody and sulky, but you are depressed and anxious, and those are treatable illnesses.
Get your nose fixed the summer before you go away to college instead of waiting till your 20s. You will feel better physically and mentally.
And speaking of college, go to one that’s right for you. Or get a job and go back to school later on. Work is a great source of self-esteem.
But don’t let yourself get stuck in a job or career that’s wrong for you. Living your life to please other people will not actually make them happy, and it will absolutely make you miserable.
Figure out what you like and how to do/get it.
Yours, Middle-Aged Me
P.S. And for goodness’ sake, learn how to cook and eat like an adult!
Dear Younger Jenny,
You have PCOS. That single piece of knowledge will save you almost 15 years of weight gain and heartbreak with infertility. It’s not your fault!
Don’t be so convinced that beauty and brains are opposed to each other. You’re justifying how you’ve felt about yourself for a long time, but you don’t “have” a body, you are a body. Take care of all of you. Feed all of yourself as if you deserve it, because you do. Everyone has a right to be fed.
Be a better friend. Don’t wait for people to come to you, even if you’re afraid. You’re an introvert, but that doesn’t mean you have to be so aloof, it just means you’ll need to find time to recharge. Try to find out what others love, then do it: craft friendship fresh for each person.
Don’t take love for granted just because you’ve had it all your life. Remember its presence every day. Say thank you.
Love,
Older Jenny
Dear younger Tori,
Make sure a friend is truly a friend before you pour so much of yourself into the (faux) friendship, yet find yourself alone when you need them. Quit believing it is your fault. It is not. You were a convenient target. This will save you years of self-doubt and distrusting others later on until you finally wake up and realize you ARE good enough and needn’t look for approval everywhere. And then learning to trust others again. And that a true friend will not mind having to prove their true intentions. There are still good friends out there.
Other than that, your other choices turned out to be well thought through and good ones in the end. But ease up on yourself. You are an have always been fine just the way you are.
The older Tori.
Dear Sarah,
you are not ugly; quite the contrary in fact. The boys at school think you’re a geek but when you leave school you’ll learn that it’s true that ‘geek’ is a term used out of jealousy. You don’t see now why they’re jealous but one day you’ll be glad that you’re smart, honestly! You won’t believe this but you will have so many guys chasing after you that you won’t know how to handle it. You’ll break hearts. You’ll have men begging to marry you. Intelligent, handsome men. You’ll get and keep jobs on the basis of your looks and you will struggle with this issue.
It has made me cry looking at photos of you, realising how delusional you are. You are just as attractive as your friends, maybe even more so. When people say this to you they are not lying!
Your parents are human beings and not perfect. Far from perfect in fact- they have issues. All real human beings do. I have no idea why mum said that about your nose but there is nothing wrong with your nose. Men will tell you that they like your nose and they won’t be lying. Speaking of your parents, they love you and want you to be happy. And they’re so proud of you. Dad has this funny thing about pride, but you do not need to prove yourself to anyone. You have already done it, and you will more than do it over the next few years.
You will have the most amazing time when you leave school. You will travel the world. You will meet people who think you’re amazing. In fact, lots of people will think that. And lots of people will like you. And as for the ones that don’t, don’t worry about them. They don’t waste their energy worrying about whether you like them. There is no such thing as a perfect person so stop trying so hard to be perfect and liked by everyone, and enjoy life a bit more!
Love, Sarah
Dear 13-year-old L: From the bottom of my heart, I’m begging you not to go on a diet. I know some people in the family are starting to talk about your physique, the inevitability of “saddlebags” and the evils of calories and carbohydrates. And I know they make you cover your cute figure in matronly polyester pantsuits with long sleeves and high collars. All this has made you extremely self-conscious. No matter what it sounds like, they’re not calling you “fat.” In fact, you are quite slim, and this diet you’re about to go on will lead to years of obsession and unhealthy behavior. I don’t know why they’re hiding you under layers of stifling polyester, but you don’t need to diet. You’re already beautiful.
Dear 14-year-old L: Sometimes life presents us with huge challenges that we didn’t ask for and don’t deserve. This time in your life is a challenge, not a punishment. I know Dad’s too embarrassed to take you, but please don’t miss the GYN appointment that Mom made for you before she died. Let Mrs. C take you shopping for clothes because she needs a daughter, you need a mother, and she won’t make you buy old-lady clothes. Trust your instincts because they are good. Trust that you have the strength to make it through this. And trust that you are already beautiful.
Dear 17-year-old L: These college girls are just as insecure as you are; if you follow them just to fit in, you’ll be as lost as they are. Ask Dad to buy you some sweaters and a winter coat before he leaves, and learn what dry cleaning is. (These things will save you some grief and humiliation.) You’re going to be walking a lot, so stick with flats. The pancake makeup that your roommate wants you to buy? You can’t afford it, it’ll wreak havoc on your skin, and you don’t need it because you’re already beautiful.
Dear 19-year-old L: You really want that short, old-lady perm? Really? Okay, but then let it grow out. And don’t ever do it again. Especially the longer perm you want to get at age 37. Hair is not meant to be fried. Learn to love what God gave you because you’re already beautiful.
Dear 22-year-old L: You’re getting a sense of your own style. You look good, and you finally believe you look good. So what if Dad prefers to see you wearing cat-eye glasses? He’s not paying for the contact lenses.
Now, that young man you just met in Clearwater who treated you like a lady…he totally gets you and respects you! If you haven’t listened to me before, listen to me now: Trust your instincts. His respect for you is why you felt so good when you were around him.
I say this because I’m afraid you’re about to hand over your choices to people who don’t have your best interest in mind. You don’t need a man in your life to validate your self-worth. You especially don’t need that domineering guy who is going to control who you talk to, where you go and when, and will even insist on buying your wardrobe based on what he thinks looks good on other women. If you marry him, you’ll have a MIL who lectures you about your “big ol’ legs” that aren’t big at all. One day you’ll instantly recognize this behavior of theirs as a form of insecurity. They’re insecure with themselves, but they know you’re already beautiful.
Dear 41-year-old L: You’ve been in the South too long. You can’t pull off the look of a dyed-in-the-wool cowgirl. Don’t waste your money trying to dress this way just to distance distance yourself from that failed marriage to the domineering, insecure guy. Trust me when I say this is just a phase, and it’ll pass before your clothes wear out.
Dear 48-year-old L: Bravo! It’s been a tough road, but you now have a rare second chance. That guy you met in Clearwater is back. He still thinks you’re beautiful, inside and out. And that’s because you are.
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