When I first realized that I was unhappy with my body and when I first decided to do something about it, I dieted. I dieted for what seemed like ages. And sometimes I lost weight and felt a bit better, and sometimes I didn’t.
Eventually, I added exercise to my life’s routines to supplement the dieting. And sometimes I lost weight or gained muscle tone, and sometimes I didn’t.
After THAT, I began to play around with clothing and style as a means of making peace with my body. And with very few exceptions, dressing to my figure has been the most effective, reliable means of feeling good about and connected to my body. Unlike diet and exercise, I could very carefully control the outcomes associated with what I wore. I could change my outward appearance on a whim, I could tweak it immediately, I could transform my look completely using only clothing and accessories.
It took a few years, but eventually I began to crave more control over my body and my presentation. I was sick of being told that, yes, it was fine to avoid the sun but didn’t I realize how peaked I looked? I began to wear blush, and felt more in control of my complexion. I was sick of a mad mop of curls that got frizzy and unruly if a light breeze so much as ruffled them. I chopped off my hair, refined my pixie cut over several months, and felt more in control of my hair. I was sick of looking at, attempting to combat, and feeling unhappy with my copious body hair. I ponied up for some laser hair removal treatments, and felt more in control of my Sal-scape.
In some cases, intense focus on control can trigger a spiral. From what I’ve read and been told, exercising control over the body as a means of calming distress sometimes transforms into disordered eating. For many people, there’s a fine line between making changes to feel more in control of one’s appearance, and making body/appearance/eating/exercise changes because they feel like the only things that can be controlled. My own feelings and actions haven’t crossed over into that realm, but I am acutely aware of the connection and remain vigilant should such a spiral begin.
My body is amazing, and I love it. My body is also stubborn, unpredictable, and incredibly sensitive. If I eat a candy bar, I will get instant heartburn and a robust crop of zits within two days. I have a protruding disc that acts up on occasion, and am yet to determine what exactly triggers my back pain. I get ocular migraines, but only sporadically. Even on hormonal birth control, I will occasionally get the dreaded pre-period breast tenderness so badly that toweling myself dry makes me wince. I do my best to change my behaviors, food intake, and stress levels to mitigate these reactions, but mostly I just have to roll with them. When I cannot make sense of my body’s wants and needs, I simply relinquish control and respond with kindness.
Although the idea of seeking to control certain aspects of my body and its presentation may sound rigid or risky, I am careful about my choices. I am fully aware that 97% of my body’s doings are far beyond my reach and all I can do is react to them. That other 3% is important to my self-image, my confidence, and my ability to maintain good diplomatic relations with my physical form. I’m perfectly willing to let go of the things I cannot control. But the things that I can? I will.
Is there anything about your appearance or body that you’ve sought to control over the years? Anything that you’ve tried to control, but then relinquished? How do you feel about changing what your body does naturally? Does it seem harsh or hypocritical? Or normal and productive? I know that some of you amazing readers struggle with or are recovering from eating disorders. If you feel comfortable commenting, I’d love your input. Do you feel that exercising control over the body is risky or unhealthy? Always? Sometimes? Where do you draw the line?
{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }
I realized as I read this post that I definitely try to exercise control over several aspects of my appearance. I get my hair highlighted pretty regularly, I do hair removal on my upper lip and eyebrows, and I wear makeup. The idea is that in doing all of these things, I can convey a specific image of vitality and health that still manages to be somewhat feminine. After all, I’d say much of what we consider “femininity” is beating back the unruly bushes of nature and carving out something smoother and less “wild,” so to speak. In fact, the entire notion of “femininity” results from control of some kind or another.
Also, I would say that my physical training, both on the road and in the weight room, is all about exercising control over my body. I’ve developed plans for eating and working out that maximize my body’s capacity for creating muscle, strength and endurance. I want my body to be able to do certain things – like, say, push-ups or a seven-minute mile – and so I have to take specific steps to get myself there. I can see how this would easily become a source of obsession for some people, but I think I lack that tendency towards obsession/compulsion (as I’m a classic Libra) and so I’m not very vigilant about it because my actual tendency is towards balance in my life, which keeps me from going overboard in these matters.
A very thought-provoking post! Thanks, Sal!
This is thought provoking. I have known a few people that are obsessed with exercising, and have thought that to be a bit of an issue for them. Perhaps it was something they could control in their lives, so therefore they do.
For me, exercise and eating are what I need to do to be healthy. It’s not just under the overall “healthy” umbrella, because for me gaining weight and being sedentary = PAIN. I have a bad back from getting seriously bucked off my horse when I was 8 (landed on my neck, but miraculously did not break anything). I have bad knees from riding horses from the time I was 5 years old. I can’t ride them anymore due to the pain. When I gained 40lbs during pregnancy I could hardly walk because my knees hurt so bad with the extra weight on them. In controlling my weight and exercising, I can keep the pain at bay and don’t need to take pain killers or go to doctors. I can always tell when I stop exercising, because the pain comes back. For me, controlling those aspects of my life gives me a life of greater enjoyment.
Hi Sal -
Great, thought provoking post. I think some fighting of nature is normal and productive. As long as it doesn’t consume your life to the point that you are ignoring other things – balance is the key.
I’ve done the hair chop to control my crazy waves (I really prefer sleek hair and sleekifying my hair when it’s past chin length is a losing battle). Still doing the short, almost pixie, but wonder if maybe one of these days I’ll ask my stylist to work with my hair texture instead of fighting it.
I try to control my weight, will never give up my running but am a bit lax on diet. I eat really healthy, small portioned meals but indulge in sugary snacks all too often. I think if I was more disciplined with my snacking, I would reach my “ideal weight” of 5 to 7 pounds lighter than I am, but do I want to live my life without sugary snacks – no I do not. So I keep the 5 to 7 pounds and am ok with it most of the time. If my metablolism changes after menopause (in 10 years or so) and the 5 to 7 extra becomes 15 to 20, I may change my mindset on that. But I am a wife, mother, full time worker and only have so much time to devote to the running/workout aspect of my life. As much as I like to say I will run for 5 hours a day if that’s what it takes to maintain my weight, that’s not really true. I’m lucky that I can get an hour in most days and I don’t see any more of my time freeing up the future. So if that becomes not enough as I get older, I’ll just have to deal with it and know I’m doing the best I can. Any maybe snack less.
I’m not liking the dark spots and splotchiness my face has been sporting over the last few years, but I’ve tried an inexpensive fading cream and it didn’t seem to help. I don’t want to try a more expensive one, as that may not work either and I don’t really want to wear heavy makeup to hide them. So I guess I’ve conceded on that one. I have no idea how I will feel about deep wrinkles and sagging when that time comes. I like to think I will be ok with it, and certainly don’t judge others who have done something about it – but I just don’t know.
It’s a fine line we walk between managing and controlling; there’s also a fine line between controlling diet/exercise for health&well-being vs. appearance. It’s one I’ve been walking every day during an almost year-long weight loss journey. Sometimes I wonder, “Why am I doing this? What’s the ultimate benefit here? Being able to run a mile with ease, or being able to fit into a smaller size jeans? If I say ‘both,’ is there something wrong with that?”
You’ve blogged here about diet and exercise and respecting your body, but also about your struggles with dieting/exercise as a result of an unhappiness with how you looked. It’d be interesting to hear when it clicked for you that healthy food + exercise became a way to work WITH your body, rather than fight against it, and how your outlook and habits changed.
The main control battle I’ve had with my body is with my skin on my face. It isn’t even very bad, but I do break out. But I find that I create problems because I JUST. CAN’T. stop picking at my zits. So at first I’m trying to exercise control over my body in a way that I know is completely wrong, but I have a hard time stopping. Then I try to control the damage I inflict with medicine. And eventually I get tired of it and I take a step back and leave it alone for a while, and seemingly magically my face heals. I go through this cycle constantly. So I guess control is a bit of a problem for me, at least as far as my skin is concerned. I am very lucky that my body really doesn’t cause me a lot of drama, so I don’t feel as much pressure to control my other physical aspects.
I do exercise a lot for roller derby, and I feel like that is healthy control. I think that body control can certainly venture into risky and dangerous territory, but it also has the power to change our lives for the better, when it is done thoughtfully and carefully. I don’t think I would eat well or be able to play roller derby without a certain level of control. I don’t know where the “this is too much control” line should be drawn though- it could be different for everyone. When I start obsessing about minutia or dreaming about something I am trying to control or I just can’t stop my mind from going back to it, it is my hint that things are getting out of hand.
Thank you for such an interesting topic!
D! Your issues with skin sound EXACTLY like my issues with skin. Yarg I’m currently reading “The Gift of our Compulsions” and I’m hoping it will guide me to leave it alone/make peace with it and let it do its thing instead of me sometimes “helping” (read: making red marks and scars). I’m 31 and don’t know exactly what makes it break out sometimes and other times look reasonably good. I wonder if there will every be a day where I’m one of those “fresh-faced no-concealer ” people…
Ooooh I’ll have to check that book out! I’m crossin my fingers for you, I hope it helps you out!
I am doing this Whole30 “not a diet” thing, wherein I have to give up trying to control anything — no counting calories, no weighing food, no weighing myself, no measuring. Just eating natural, freshly prepared foods all month, avoiding the list of allergy/inflammation/etc causing foods they have you avoid, and not worrying about how much I’m eating/weighing/losing/gaining.
It’s HARD. It has been hard to stop weighing myself, checking calorie counts to make sure I’m not going mad crazy, measuring my waist, etc. In fact I would say I’ve failed at that part of it. I couldn’t stop hankering after signs of progress in that very body-focused way. On the other hand, the actual following the rules/cooking/eating part was just fine, and I have to remind myself constantly — hey, no headache! no abdominal distress! no asthma medicine today! to remember that it’s been a huge success no matter what the outside of my body says.
This is a sensitive post for me because I did go down that spiral as a very young woman. Anorexia is a complicated illness, and I’m quite sure that (in my case at least) it was an attempt to exert some control over a life that was spinning out of control in other ways. My body responded swiftly and dramatically to strenuous exercise and nearly no food, so control it I did. I was extremely thin, and proud of it.
But you can’t keep that up for long. I had to pull myself together so that I could move on with life. Since then, the challenge for me has always been the opposite of what you describe. I’ve always been trying to accept my body for what it is, and to err on the side of relinquishing control rather than tightening it. Because I’m the type of anxious person who is ultimately happier when she can find a way to let go. In fact, that’s been my mantra for the last 20 years: “Elisabeth, let it go. Move on”.
So I learned to embrace my curly mop, and learned to style it in a way that worked with the frizz. I grew out my body hair to see just how much I actually had (quite a lot, as it happens!), although after a year I shaved it again because underarm hair is a sweat trap, and skirts just look nicer with smooth legs. But I allowed my legs to remain white, and I don’t bother with tanning creams. I accepted my small stature rather than trying to appear taller. I’ve learned to appreciate the aspects of my face and figure that deviate from the “standard beauty ideal”.
The point you make about clothing is excellent, though. Few things make me feel better than flattering clothes. And I try to eat well and I still exercise, but only partly for vanity reasons. I look at my aging, unhealthy parents, and I don’t want to be like them, so diet and exercise are two tools to protect myself against illness and infirmity.
So yes, to answer your question, for me exercising too much control over my body is risky. I’ve spent my adult life trying to ease up on the self-discipline! And I’m happier with myself now than I’ve ever been. I’m having an awful lot of fun with fashion and it’s because I’ve accepted my body the way it is, not because I’m fighting against it.
This was very interesting to read, about the “letting go”. Thanks for that!
For the longest time I loathed my legs. I thought they were pudgy, pale, short, bruise easily…every summer I would just keep them covered and suck it up because I was embarrassed by them.
Over the past few years I’ve become more accepting of them, I wear shorts and skirts now. I realize now that I’m just not endowed with the genetic code for model legs, and I’m okay with that.
What has really changed my opinion about my legs is running. I’m still a fairly new runner (almost 1 year) but I am amazed now by what my legs are capable of doing. My legs may be stocky and pale…but they’re strong and for that I am grateful and proud! My normally to the knee skirts and shorts are now getting just a wee bit shorter because I don’t feel ashamed about showing them off anymore!
It’s like everything else — all things in moderation!
What a great post. I’m looking forward to reading all the replies.
I have an all-or-nothing personality and used to do extremes: Binge eating or on a super healthy kick. Long hair or buzzcut. Completely free of body hair or deliberately fuzzy legs. Over exercising or skipping gym for months at a time. It felt like a tug of war. I am grateful that my body has not rebelled too badly at all the manhandling.
Now that I’m older I’ve mellowed a lot and with the help of blogs like this I am learning to listen to my body and treat it with kindness.
First of all, this was such an insightful post and I agree with 100% of what you said. The part that suck with me the most was:
“I began to play around with clothing and style as a means of making peace with my body. And with very few exceptions, dressing to my figure has been the most effective, reliable means of feeling good about and connected to my body.”
For me, clothing has become a source of comfort, and like you said, a way of accepting and loving my body. Finding clothing that fits well, shows off my pearshaped figure and is stylish has taken me leaps and bounds to not only accepting my body, but truly, wholeheartedly believe I look great, which has done wonders for my confidence.
What an intriguing topic!
I’m in the former ED (restricting/overexercising) category. 10 years later, I still count my calories, partly because I still worry about weight gain (needlessly, I am always around the same 5lbs) and partly because it makes it easy to not get too hungry that way. (I get hypoglycemia symptoms if my blood sugar is too low.)
Over the years (I’m 31) and despite an unpredictable childhood, I’ve come to realize that my body, mind and spirit thrive on predictability. My body wants a set bed and wake time, similar foods for breakfast and bedtime snack, a regular exercise schedule etc. Mentally I do best with routine and calm relationships. (But I have a lot of fun in life, I promise!) I would also consider myself to be flexible…if I have a little advanced notice!
So…it’s a weird thing about control. I feel like I’m in a great space food/exercise wise, and perhaps it’s because I’ve realized the nature of my personality combined with the physical limits I have with actually controlling these things. A system that works has evolved! And will continue to…
There are several aspects of my body that I do not love. I have curly hair that goes frizzy, course body hair, a belly that will never be flat, and man-hands. Over the years I have fought every inch of my body and tried to turn it into a better one. I have also been fairly miserable with my body, more so when I focused on changing it. Nowadays I try very hard to listen to my body’s wisdom and not fight it. I feel tremendous peace and happiness when I hike in the woods, so that is my exercise routine. I will never be skinny because I am big-boned, but I have come to love my shape and my body because it has the power to hike 10 miles, climb a mountain, cross a stream. When I think about specific things (like my belly) I can fall into beating myself up. But I try to think about the big picture and focus on the amazing things my body can do, not how it looks. Instead of fighting to straighten my hair (which I did for ten years), I just let it air dry with a little oil and try not to think about it too much during the day. I used to have some very bad and dangerous eating habits, but now I try to listen to what my body wants; usually, when I give it what it wants, I’m happy and satisfied, even if I didn’t make the healthiest choice. Sometimes you really need a slice of cheesecake, dieting or not.
Overall, I feel like changing my body or fighting for control over some aspect of it I don’t like is a waste of time. Anyone who is in a relationship knows that you are never going to love every aspect of your partner’s personality. Even if you love him with all of your heart, you will still be irritated by the way he hums out of tune, or always leaves the toilet seat up, or drives too fast, or whatever it is. There is always something. But in my experience, trying to change that behavior is a lost cause. You have to love your partner for the whole; if you get caught up in all the little things you want to change, and in trying to change them, neither you or your partner will be very happy. So you break up or you learn to take the bad with the good. I feel the same way about my body. I feel like it’s a slippery slope for me to start nitpicking and trying to change things I don’t like. Pretty soon I’ll be back to looking in the mirror and hating what I see, and beating myself up, and calling myself ugly. But that’s just how it works for me – its a quick trip from thinking that my skin is blotchy today to thinking no one will ever love me because of my awful skin.
Overall I think its going to be different for everyone. But when I see shows about extreme plastic surgery (anyone remember “The Swan?) or watch an episode of Real Housewives, all I can think is how exhausting it must be for those women to keep up with this facade of perfection. It’s entirely possible that I am just really lazy, but there are so many more things I would rather do with my time.
This blog entry resonated strongly with me. I started dieting at 13 when I overheard my mother tell a neighbour how fat I was. I went through high school never eating lunch. I lost weight, but I lost energy, too. Trying going for a run in gym class with no food in your stomach. The dieting continued for years until, at 21, I was anorexic, living on a strict 1000 calories per day. My parents threatened to hospitalize me but didn’t. I overcame anorexia by binging. Not much better. No control over my food intake. The rest of my life was so controlled, though. My mother still told me how to dress, I pursued multiple university degrees, yet I couldn’t control what went in my mouth. I read a lot on eating disorders and figured out that “control” was my problem. I had not “rebelled” as an adolescent (like everyone else), being the “good girl” who does everything she’s told to do. It was in my mid-20′s that I began to regain some of that control from my parents. I did what I wanted and made decisions for myself. That became reflected in my eating habits. Now at 47, I occasionally struggle with eating (too much sugar, too much fat, not healthy enough, etc.) but I have learned this is an issue that I have to deal with every day. Some days are easier than others. I have (thanks to being older) become more accepting of my body shape and size and have learned to say “no” to others’ demands on my time and energy. It’s an ongoing battle, much improved with age. Optimistically, I should have no eating issued by the time I’m 90!
“Unlike diet and exercise, I could very carefully control what I wore.” What? Since when can’t you carefully control your diet and exercise? I don’t get it.
I controlled diet and exercise actions but, as I explained in the post, I couldn’t control their outcomes. Not to the extent that I wanted to, and not as closely as I could choices pertaining to dressing and presentation. Just updated the wording to make this clearer.
Changing your appearance through clothing is INSTANT. Most people just have a hard time sticking it out with a diet and exercise routine for a more permanent solution to disliking certain aspects of their bodies. It just doesn’t work in every situation. Bikini season being one example……
I would like to say that there are a lot of things a diet can´t change about one´s body. Size and shape are not the same things. No diet will certainly turn *me* into a supermodel shape, which is what a lot of women (all ages) aspire to, perhaps not consciously, but unconsciously. It´s just an unreachable goal, that you will fail at every time, no matter how in control you are.
I would also like to say this blog post just absolutely nails all my thoughts and feelings on this matter. It really is a huge issue, shared by so many women. This blog is really, really important.
If someone thinks that diet and exercise are going to make them into a supermodel–they have deep issues that a blog is not going to fix.
I’m not entirely clear on the points of disagreement, here, but just to reiterate: This blog is about the intersection of body image and style. Some posts will lean more in one direction than the other, obviously, but my overall interest is to show where the two overlap. Some aspects of personal style aren’t 100% harmonious with the quest to cultivate positive body image, and vice versa. I think that’s just fine. It’s not my intention to be eternally consistent or singularly focused. It’s my intention to be exploratory of two topics that have some fascinating and beneficial common ground.
Yes, changing your appearance through clothing is instant. Yes, changing your body through diet and exercise takes a long-term commitment. I am not telling anyone to abandon healthy eating and fitness habits in favor of dressing differently. Perhaps you’re a new reader and don’t have much background, so here are some relevant posts:
http://www.alreadypretty.com/2012/05/things-i-think-at-the-gym.html
http://www.alreadypretty.com/2012/05/changing-your-body.html
http://www.alreadypretty.com/2012/06/self-care-mindful-eating-and-the-green-mountain-way.html
http://www.alreadypretty.com/2012/02/this-week-i-love-5.html
However to say that, “most people just have a hard time sticking it out with a diet and exercise routine” implies that diet and exercise – and, I assume, weight loss – are what you consider to be the best solution to poor body image. This is not the best solution for all people. Nor will diet and exercise lead to substantial weight loss for all people. Nor are all body image issues related to weight, shape, or size.
Furthermore, if someone is dealing with body-based self-loathing, dressing in clothing that flatters her today-body can help foster feelings of stewardship. Dressing is a tool for self-care and self-love. (http://www.alreadypretty.com/2009/03/self-care-and-self-love.html)
Hope that helps.
When I was young and thin as a rail and could eat what I wanted and always had a flat stomach, I focused on how I didn’t have boobs. Now after having a baby and gaining weight, I wish I had appreciated how great I looked in clothes.
When I was young and had clear, acne-free skin even in my teens, I focused on my few chicken pox scars. Now I’m 50 and ageing and I wish I had appreciated how beautiful my skin was for so long.
I try to pass this on to my daughter but she doesn’t listen. Maybe it’s something we have to go through or maybe it’s just so much outside influence on what girls are “supposed” to look like. It sucks to only appreciate what you had once it’s gone.
ps I don’t hate how I look now. I’m much easier on myself because why not? ha ha
The most important thing I have learned is that it is so much easier and more rewarding to eat right and exercise in order to control the way my body feels, rather than the way it looks. That was the “click” I needed to set myself on the right path.
For a long, long time, I was waiting to do nice things for my appearance until I lost weight. Why should I bother with a good haircut, professional help for my Bert-the-Muppet eyebrows, nice clothes or much makeup if I was still going to be fat at the end of the day? Surprise! When I started doing these easy little things, I felt better about my body, too. Not just because I looked better, but because I was treating myself the way I deserved to be treated.
I think I’m probably a bit older than many readers of your blog, and I’ve noticed that my focus has shifted from my body’s appearance to its functionality. I don’t care so much about how I look now, but paradoxically I’m MORE committed to losing the emotional-eating weight I put on a few months ago because I see what it does to my blood pressure and my energy levels. Also, I work a demanding job involving a lot of hard physical labour, and I love it and want to keep doing it – which keeps me from eating sugar and grains, which in my body are really inflammatory. So yes, I’m a control freak – and maybe “functionality” as I define it is just as non-critical as appearance (I don’t have to work this job, and I could certainly use meds to control blood pressure) but I think control of one’s self is a good thing to practice, not just from a protestant-work-ethic perspective but also because you never know when you’re going to be in a crappy situation and your own ability to control yourself is what will pull you through. Besides, self-control can and often should lead to pride in one’s accomplishments, and when is that a bad thing?
Oh wow. This is so timely. I’ve been struggling with my body image for a very long time… It got especially bad when I went through a dramatic change (my boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up, I left graduate school and moved back home (from NY to CA)). As soon as I got home I thought, “Now’s the time to start eating healthy and taking care of myself.” It started out well, I started taking stock of what I consumed and it was mind-boggling. I was eating way too much and way too poorly. At first eating more fruits and veggies and being conscious was great… I lost weight, felt great and got lots of compliments. It slowly turned from a desire to eat healthy to an extreme obsession/fixation on food. Food was all I looked forward to many days. I wouldn’t go out with friends if they were getting pizza. If I found myself somewhere where there wasn’t something on my safe list to eat, I wouldn’t eat. I didn’t exercise because it was variable (how many more calories should I consume without gaining weight?). When I was happy, I’d feel free from it for awhile though I was still logging calories. And during those times, I would look healthier. When I got stressed, I’d try even harder to control every portion. Eventually, I was in a good spot and, inspired by my buff boyfriend, started working out. Soon I wasn’t just maniacally trying to control my diet when I had a low point, I was also trying to maniacally control my workouts too. I skipped eating when I was hungry, ate when I wasn’t hungry and sometimes binged and/or purged. On Tuesday night, I realized I needed to be done. I haven’t logged calories in 2 days. It feels so strange. I’m ready to give up that control but I’m so terrified I will gain weight. It’s weird how I don’t trust my body to tell me when I’m hungry or full anymore….
Sounds like you are on a good path now, my dear. Feel free to drop me an e-mail if you’d like some resources and support. (Or not. just wanted to put it out there.)
I woke up to my body only very recently, right in the middle of my 40s. I like to call it my little mid-life crisis, suddenly paying attention to the color and fit of cloths, to the benefits of riding my bike to work every day, and deciding to no longer eat between meals. I began to wear makeup conscientiously and I had the gray removed from my hair. It has accompanied other, more enormous life changes, and is very much in keeping with them. I gave up a job, a church and 20 pounds, and replaced them with a new job, a new church and a new, thrifted wardrobe. It’s been a very good crisis so far. At the heart of it has been the realization that for most of my life I’d been making decision on what I looked like and what I would be based on what I had been told or my rejection of those expectations. But until recently I hadn’t given myself permission to fully embrace what I wanted in my heart of hearts — from my appearance to my calling. And now that I have, I have to say, it looks good on me.
I think that my life-long migraines have taught me I have very little control over my body. I can try to control the triggers, but ultimately, *life* is a trigger — my migraines are genetic, I get them similarly to my mother, & hers only lessened with menopause (which I am SO looking forward to
). Pain is an ordinary occurrence, something I’ve learned to deal with bec. I can’t get rid of it no matter what I try.
A certain amount of life is out of my control & always will be. I’m not always thrilled about it, but I’ve accepted that & moved on. I do what I can in the rest of my world.
I try to remember that today, I am younger and more beautiful than I will be tomorrow. That’s sounds a bit defeatist – what I mean is that when I look back at photographs of myself when I was in my 20s and looking slimmer and younger than I do now I was miserably unhappy with certain things about myself – yet looking back – I was so young and lovely! I know that I’ll look back at photos of myself taken now in 20 year’s time and think the same about myself at this age (40). So, I just try to remind myself that I am beautiful now, today – and I should be happy and grateful about that.
This is a very thought provoking post! Reflecting on the post and the comments I realize I have lived a trouble free existence. As someone who seems to be naturally slim I have never ‘had’ to diet, even after having children, so imagine my chagrin at turning 50 and entering the peri-menopausal zone where I am filling out in weird and wonderful areas without changing my lifestyle. I seem to be developing a ‘matronly shelf’ and a fattish back! Add in a regular sprinkling of hormonal zits and you can see why I think aging sucks! I am working out (minimally) again and this seems to be having some effect but the zit thing is proving to be the biggest burden.I know, it too shall pass.
This post touches on something I’ve long pondered and wanted to do a post about myself…but my thoughts lack the appropriate words. The thoughts go something like this–the very expansiveness of the female body is a wonder. We are designed to swell and shrink, with a purpose. I think I am having trouble articulating my thoughts because it could too easily sound sexist and reductive. But even those of us who choose not to become mothers, experience the same changes in our bodies…
Simply by virtue of living in the culture we do, we have a tremendous amount of control over our self-presentation if not our bodies.
Sally, this is a wonderful post.
For me, being pregnant has really shed a lot of light on how controlling I was about my body. I thought I was very body positive and go-with-the-flow–I wasn’t overly bothered by being a big person, I was flexible about my hair and makeup, blah blah blah. But being pregnant and having really NO control over what my body does has made me realize that I was depending quite a lot on that 3% you mention. I am very curious as to how this experience will inform getting my body “back into shape” after the baby is born. It’s something that is very important to me to do, both because I want to like what I see in the mirror and for my health, but I hope I will have learned to loosen up a bit, too.
It’s funny because I’ve dealt with some specific things recently and made some new decisions. I hurt my knee recently and noticed I gained some weight while healing and unable to walk, bike and hike like normal. I brought it up to my boyfriend because I knew gaining weight was one of the worst things for my knee! Since then, he’s been awesome with helping me get to a pool regularly to help strengthen my muscles and it does seem to be making a difference. I guess it’s kinda about controlling my body, but way more about making it work better and getting back to doing things I love. I think of it more about helping my body get back into healthy behaviors. Is that control? I don’t know. I try to eat healthy foods because they make me feel better. I will have the occasional french fry and about 1 soda per a year, but again, it seems less about control and more about me knowing it will make me feel better.
I’ve also invested in some new glasses and less-chemically nail polishes… not necessarily to control my body, but because my old glasses were 8 years old and felt very foreign when I wore them and weren’t the right prescription anymore. My awesome new light purple glasses seem like they belong on my face – the shape and colors both compliment my features and clothing choices well. I don’t paint my nails out of wanting to control the look of my hands as much as I do as a way to wear more color and express my creativity. My hair? I do almost nothing to it outside of wash it a couple times a week and brush it each morning. I don’t wear makeup much outside of special occasions and a lot of that is because I think it can be fun sometimes, but I don’t have the time to worry about it regularly (putting it on, touching it up, taking it off, buying more stuff….)
So yes I control, but it’s not out of a place of pure control, but more of health and happiness, and I don’t really find it to be a problem.
Interesting post. Like many people, I’ve struggled with body image and I know it’s really complicated. But sometimes it just feels like such a first world problem. I’m not quite sure how to articulate my point without sounding disrespectful or flippant, but after seeing my father lose all physical ability before he died, it almost feels a little indulgant to be worrying about how my stomach looks or how hairy my legs are. I dunno. Like I said, it’s hard to articulate it and I don’t think I’m doing a good job of explaining myself, but sometimes I feel like body image gets too much attention.
It’s funny that you bring this up. I had a fairly rough childhood where little things like what you looked like just… didn’t matter. Among other things, my dad and grandfather died in the same week, a couple weeks after I started in high school. I do think that experience, while rough, was very formative in my life. It let me adjust my true priorities very early in life, and like you said, I realized pretty early that there were MUCH bigger things in life that needed attention than details of what was wrong with my body. My sister kinda took the situation the opposite direction and did become anorexic in an attempt to control something when everything else around us was so chaotic.
I appreciate these comments. I wrestle with similar thoughts, and part of the reason I like Sally’s blog so much is her balance of topics. I’ve definitely gotten exasperated with feeling it’s an “indulgent” “first world problem”, but I’ll read through the body-image posts and to see what I can learn and try maintain perspective. I mean, I really would like to be more compassionate and understanding, but having had serious health issues, I have limited resources and patience to deal with negative body-image rhetoric. It’s hard for me to see what I interpret as a lack of awareness and appreciation of having a healthy, functional, pain-free body (the “priorities” issue). With friends or family, I try to communicate kindly but firmly, no body-shaming around me please. Sometimes I just have to remove myself if the exposure gets too exhausting or irrelevant (in real life or the blog-o-sphere). One thing I’ve noticed is that often, just as I can’t relate to their body-image issues, they can’t relate to my health and disability issues. I try to recognize when we can provide each other support, or when it’s just not a healthy or helpful match. Sometimes I feel the best I can do is just refrain from commenting or sharing my opinion on the matter. I hope this was an appropriate place to share these thoughts without hurting anyone or devaluing their struggles.
All my life I’ve had trouble with self-control, be it my temper, anxiety or what I put in my mouth.
I was “blessed” with a drop dead beautiful body and in my teens and twenties, always got a great deal of attention from men (about 99.9% of it unwanted). I dressed for them, (or more accurately, to annoy other women, why did I do that?) and not for myself and never felt a connection between that body and me. Certainly never felt in control of it.
Now, in my late 30s after ten years of wonderful, loving husband and his delicious cooking, a nightly glass of wine, a baby and a year of nursing, my body is quite different, a little looser, 20lbs or so heavier – but I am so much more settled in my own skin, so much more aware of the control I had in those long ago situations.
And now, I’m trying to pull myself out of that post-baby body and life, to put some attention towards myself and come to a medium between being the invisable new mom with the baby flab and stretched out Old Navy Tee and sneakers everywhere, and “the body,” somewhere where my beautiful self that I see inside me, that I want to be for my husband and daughter, is coming out – with much help from this blog).
So this isn’t exactly what you meant by control, but I’ve been ruminating on your post a few days and this is what I came up with – the control (power) I have, and have always had, in my own life.
I feel I can relate to this topic. I’ve had health issues (sexual, neurological, and musculoskeletal) from a young age. I would say that finding some “control” over them has been essential to leading a life of fulfillment and quality. I often use words like “manage” or “cope”, which feel a bit less combative. I strive to work with within my body’s natural abilities and potential to help it be it’s “best self”, without asking too much of it and learning to abide by it’s limits. I do a lot of self-care with healthy lifestyle habits, medicine when needed, and further medical treatment if necessary. I think this is one reason I have never felt that style and appearance are frivolous matters. I appreciate all that my various body parts have to offer and I really enjoy and savor being able to “control” things like my fashion, hair, and make-up choices (I would even include personal care items). I’m not saying there aren’t some days when I feel out of sorts with my body, but generally I think we have a good relationship because when I do attempt to control or manage it, it’s from a place of mindfulness and acceptance.
I have vitiligo. So I have random white marks all over my skin and these show really well in summer when I tan. My hands are pretty much white, so I look like I’m wearing gloves. It used to bug me, but now I don’t care. I dress up, I wear makeup and I don’t ever, ever camo my vitiligo. Roller derby has been great for getting fit and loving my body all at the same time! What makes me happy is when I do something to my body (hair colour, hair removal etc.) for me and not to satisfy some external pressures. For years, I tried to match my body to societal expectations and was just hungry, tired and miserable. when the vitiligo and other autoimmune trouble started, I realized that my body is going to do what it wants and I can only control the externals. This is sort of rambling but it’s something, I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.
Thanks for this post!
, but in case you haven’t already tried it, supplementing with extra magnesium the week before and during your period might help alleviate the tenderness. I find that the stuff in capsules (as opposed to the solid pills) is absorbed the best for most people. I like to take it in a 1 to 1 ratio with calcium, or occasionally if it’s really bad, a 2 to 1 ratio. Extra bonus–magnesium is a muscle relaxant, so this also helps with cramps, and is nice to take before bed for a good sleep!
Forgive the random advice from a stranger on the internet
Fighting against the grain hasn’t gotten me anywhere I’ve wanted to be. Trying to change what my body does naturally generally has been a bad idea. One is conscious of a minute fraction of reality, thus body knows best in most circumstances. There are certain things I don’t particularly like, hyper pigmentation, facial/body hair, fast weight gain, menstrual pains and sickness somewhere at the top of the list. I do what I can to keep this things at bay, and consider there isnt anything wrong with that since it helps me have a happier more enjoyable life. Walking around with woman mustache goes against societal expectations and will make me a recipient of peer cruelty as well as probably making me a less desirable mate, things I dont want to deal with, so I pluck that out. I soften the physical suffering or pain from menstruation and illnesses with meds, and it helps my quality of living.
Having said this, one has to keep in mind the role of society in your value system, and the cultural brainwashing and molding you’ve been subject to. Most of the time its the mind that needs straightening up, not your hair. Read that in the curly girl book! If fighting something seems inappropriate, causes suffering, and seems ultimately pointless, unnecessary and not enjoyable, then one should not do it. For example to fight one’s hair texture is not enjoyable, it is ultimately pointless and causes suffering in many forms. Instead, it is smarter and more enjoyable to put aside others opinions of what is beautiful and make one’s own. Know yourself, learn to override the cultural brainwashing that doesn’t let you accept yourself as you are, and see the sheer beauty of what you are. Respect and love yourself. You will quickly learn to work with your hair instead of against it and appreciate it for what it is. What it really is. Not your crowning glory, not your presentation card, but just hair! It is just hair that grows from your scalp, get over it!
Since it seems like you’re speaking directly to me, Elizabeth, I’d like to point out that I feel happier, more stylish, and more like myself with short, straightened hair than I ever did with longer curly hair. I’m not suffering, I’ve made a change for the better. Nobody told me to cut my hair short and straighten it, I did it of my own volition. In fact, social norms encourage women to wear their hair long as a symbol of femininity, and I am shirking that norm by wearing mine short. I agree that spending lots of time and energy fighting what your body does naturally can be a drag, but that is not the case for me. I am perfectly capable of knowing what I want and what is best for my body.
I think it depends on your background and/or your upbringing. Growing up, I had very little control over my physical appearance. My mother chose my clothes and both my parents pressured me to “stay natural” even though I would have benefited from some beauty work. I felt like I was sentenced to live as a less attractive, less feminine person because I happened to have dark facial & body hair, crooked teeth, and acne.
For me, taking control of my appearance has been a very healthy thing. I’ve taken steps to change the things that bother me. It’s amazing how easily some things can be changed, if you allow yourself permission to explore the options available.
There are also some things I’ve chosen not to change. But not because of what someone else would say. In some cases (like plastic surgery), the risks (for me) might outweigh the benefits.
I can see how “self improvement” could spiral out of control. The key, I think, is for the individual to claim control and maintain it, and not be overly influenced by outside forces, whether those forces are society (telling us to get skinny, hairless, perfect, whatever) or family/religion (telling us we’re too vain for caring about looks).
If “the natural look” makes you happy, great. If not, you shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something that makes you feel more comfortable or confident.
It seemed I lived a pretty blissfully ignorant life (body-image wise) up until I had my daughter about 8 years ago. I ‘lucked out’ and got the ‘good’ genes from my grandpa so I am about 5′ 7″ and around 125 lbs instead of getting the pear or apple shape from the rest of my family. (That is an societal assumption – not how I feel about others body shapes.)
So when I realized I wasn’t loosing the small bike tire around the middle – it was depressing. But to this day – I haven’t really done much about it. So it isn’t upsetting me that much I guess. I have always been the skinny girl that other people like to give back handed compliments to so maybe I feel like this bit of extra weight gets me out of the spotlight. It is always so complicated isn’t it?
My experience with style, clothing, and weight is that I shouldn’t assume that something doesn’t look good because it isn’t the size I think I am. There have been many ‘Wow! I look good in this’ moments for me when something I thought was either going to be too small or too big fits really well.
And I don’t care if it is a bigger size than I thought I was because it looks good. Plus I justify that by reminding myself that I could try on 5 different brands of jeans and get a COMPLETELY different fit in the same size.
These topics are so universal to women – Thanks Sally for creating this space to have a conversation about these issues. Yeah Already Pretty!
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