A dear friend and I were corresponding over e-mail and she asked for my input on this issue:
Can you address the pressure to be “chic” in every aspect of our lives? Between style blogs, instagram, and Facebook it seems like every aspect of our lives must now be “styled” and pretty and perfect. We used to accuse “the media” and magazines of setting unrealistically high standards but geez, sometimes it feels like regular people are doing that now too. I can’t keep up!
And I’d like YOUR input. Here’s why: I feel like, as someone who as tuned into the world of style a bit late in life, I’m not fully equipped to say if that pressure has increased over time, or if I’m just feeling it more now because I’m immersed in and aware of it.
What are your thoughts? Do you feel pressure to be and appear chic, polished, pretty, and perfect in every aspect of your life? More so now than before? Do you think some of that pressure is generated by peers or general social expectation, as opposed to experts? How do you react?
{ 68 comments… read them below or add one }
I don’t feel the need – my friends have seen me in my housecoat, my mail lady has seen me answer the door as I’m eating lunch, etc. But like you I’ve come to have interest in the world of style later that most.
I think my concern is that I finally actually want to look stylish every once in a while and it’s hard for me to find clothes that fit my pear shape and make me not feel like I’m trying to be a teeny bopper again or too frilly.
P.S. Sorry for the double post, but I had another thought. The internet and fun sites like pinterest can either be seen as “everyone has this but me”, or as a fun dream and I’d like something like that someday. It’s a matter of how you look at it.
I would tend to agree with Amy here. The “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality has been present in our culture for as long as I’ve been alive (1970) and quite a bit longer. The internet adds a new dimension to this, but it doesn’t have to be your mindset. I think you have to do what YOU want to do and not because of pressure to live up to some standard that everyone else is doing. Fashion and style included.
I don’t feel pressure to look chic…I personally love to look chic! But I also love the more casual days like today (a holiday). When I dress with chic in mind, I feel strong and in control and I want to communicate that. As far as the “Chic” social media, I just honestly do not have time to do it all and I feel no pressure from that. I just do what I can. Blogging and working my job are about it!! Each woman has to pick her own messages with her style and if chic is one…that’s great…if not, that’s great too!!
I think it’s all about how you choose to interpret what you view. While reading fashion, crafts, or lifestyle blogs (or pinterest posts) you can accept the great idea at face value, keeping in mind that someone has put a lot of effort into presenting their idea in a polished way… or you can get dragged down by the self-imposed obligation to simulate perfection in every area of your life. I really doubt the person who posted one fabulous thing also has a spotless kitchen floor, or an organized office in-box, or a perfect pedicure, or whatever little thing you may be priding yourself on today.
Yes! I have seen many great ideas online, but finally have had to realize I just do NOT like doing most crafty things. I want to read books, not make cupcakes or sew aprons. I still like to see ideas, but now I let them pass me by as cute but not something I’ll even try. Most of the time.
I definitely think keeping a style blog makes me put a little more pressure on myself to be styled than I otherwise would. As an academic I don’t get that pressure from anyone around me though.
As for the rest of the stuff, decor, etc., not really. I like my house to look a certain way, but once I got it that way I’m not always changing things (I’ve gotten around to painting three whole rooms in six years).
Great conversation piece. I truly think its about personal preference. I love dressing up and do so every chance I get. To those who are a little more reserved, I may appear to be ‘doing too much’ while I think I look perfectly normal. Its all a matter of what you’re accustomed to.
I think things have changed. As has been said, once people felt they had to keep up with the Jones’. Now they feel they have to keep up with the Zeta-Jones’.
Yesterday, I read a very interesting article on BitchMedia about that… http://bitchmagazine.org/article/better-homes-bloggers . I think it’s very much true. It is easy to fall into the pitfalls of reading blogs. If it weren’t for my academic prowess, I’d be a much easier victim too. So I know what I’m doing what they don’t and that is okay. We’re just making different choices. I do feel the pressure about my clothes though. If I go longer stretches of time without an outfit I feel is apt for blogging, I feel like a slob. There is a pressure to constantly one-up myself, but I’m doing my best not to give in to it (when I remember it). When I began reading blogs, there were just so many hyped blogs with bloggers that I felt looked insane. Not in a good way. Now I understand: The feeling to constantly become more creative and more exotic can finally lead you to loony land if you’re not careful. So I’m trying not to go there
I’ve never thought of it as pressure, and actually consider social media to be a source of inspiration to me. I use Instagram, and now try to see beauty in my daily life. I read plenty of fashion blogs, and constantly learn new and innovative ways to use pieces in my wardrobe. Maybe if I were a blogger myself, I’d feel pressured to be chic every day. But that’s a choice bloggers make, and I have a feeling that if you’re dedicated enough to start blogging about fashion, you are intrinsically motivated to be “chic” – or in tune with your personal style – on a daily basis.
I think it depends on why you’re looking at the style related sites. There’s enough content on the internet that there’s plenty to see if you’re not interested or overwhelmed.
As for myself, it’s a blessing. After years of working in marketing agencies, I became a civil servant, and not to perpetuate stereotypes, but my chic factor plummeted by osmosis. My peers no longer have great style but I’m not happy going there myself. I’m glad to have other sources of inspiration.
I feel like the pressure to be chic and put together has been pretty consistent over the years, though the definition of what counts as chic seems to have broadened quite a bit — it’s no longer a specific skirt length or this season’s color in the same sort of monolithic way.
But this pressure to be chic still seems to come from “out there” somewhere. None of the people I actually spend time with is concerned about being chic, so it all comes through blogs and media and other non-personal sources. Sure, there are people at the other end, but they’re just talking, not talking to ME, if you see the distinction.
I have definitely put more pressure on myself, especially after having a baby. There’s the pressure of “getting your body back” (which is a ridiculous notion in the first place, yet I succumb to it). I also think that being away from my ‘regular’ clothes for the duration of my pregnancy & first months as a mom forced me to reconsider my old clothes. I NEVER gave much thought to what I wore & after stepping away, I realized that I should. I was skating by on some pretty sludgy stuff & am now working to rebuild my wardrobe both for myself as an individual and as a career-driven person who wants to ‘dress for the job she wants, not for the one she has.’ The short answer is yes but I think that it’s self-driven pressure.
Good question. I’m 27 and have been a big internetter for about 10 years and reading fashion blogs for about 5 years. I think I feel more pressure to have a perfectly organised closet containing a beautiful investment-piece capsule wardrobe than anything else. Sometimes it makes me feel bad for wanting the cardigan in the bright orange colourway rather than the black but hey…
I don’t know that I feel more pressure now than before. It’s just more easily accessible to more people now, in my opinion. If I hadn’t tumbled to blogs, I would still be relatively unaware of fashion.
It seems to me that while there’s a lot of chatter on blogs about fashion, there’s not a lot of chatter in real life. Most people I know are only mildly interested, if they’re interested at all. I think they talk about it mostly to humor me.
Before, I wouldn’t *never* have spent money on something so frivolous as a fashion magazine! (My frugal mother has trained me well.) Now I can access that sort of thing for free….well kinda free….the monthly internet cost I don’t really count as a fashion cost.
And blogs are much more fun to read than magazines. It seems like lately the magazines are 90% ads and 10% content, which is really annoying. Plus I like the personal connection of blogs….I *like* hearing what’s going on in your life. It’s kinda like a little coffee chat every morning.
With the advent of the internet it’s easy to keep up on things a little more. Plus at my age, if not now, when? Fashion after I retire in 10 years will probably be somewhat irrelevant. The assisted livings are just happy if you’ve got all your clothes ON.
I echo Mel’s sentiments – and she’s right about assisted living, too! (P.S. They love it there when you like to dress up – it’s very cheering to the staff, as my mom discovered.) As for chicness in all aspects of life, it’s every woman for herself there – my husband and I make snide jokes about tablescapes, yet I know some women just adore such things, and that’s okay too.
Not in the slightest. I work in a very male dominated field, we have uniforms to begin with and my best friends live in t-shirts and jeans. Regardless of where I go or what I’m doing, I’m always “overdressed” and it just simply amuses me to no end.
I would like to think that we could all keep it in perspective. I do not dress in sweats, nor do I dress to the nines with a full face of makeup like my mother once did, but if there’s a trend toward looking well-kempt, or as if you put just a little effort into your appearance, then I think that’s a good thing. I guess I’m not sure about “chic”! The internet now brings to our eyeballs, zillions of possibilities for how to style ourselves and our homes. I think that pressure may occur because fashion & shelter magazines seemed so out of touch and/or out of budget— it was a little more fantasy, whereas now through the magic of the interwebs you see women or men who look more like yourself, spending roughly the same as you would to look put together. To me, that’s where the pressure might come in? Because it seems more achievable, so why aren’t you achieving it?
That is a really good point. Thanks.
I think the pressure I feel to look chic every day comes from my own interpretation of people’s expectations of me. I feel more like myself (or the self I like to think I am? Discussion for another day, perhaps?) when I have on a cute skirt and cute shoes and my hair is sleek and I have a bit of make-up on. I feel pressure from myself to keep that up.
I have been told, though, that people feel pressure to dress better simply by me dressing up. I distincly remember being harangued by a friend who told me I _had_ to wear jeans to her wedding BBQ because it was a casual event and I wasn’t allowed to make her feel bad about not wearing a dress (I would have worn a cotton dress and flat sandals- so it’s not like I would have worn a satin frock to a BBQ, even a wedding one). Or my boss who told me she felt she had to dress up every day now that we worked together. But I’ve never said anything to either of these gals- I actually think they have great style… but maybe they don’t have that confidence?
So am I pressuring others simply by enjoying dressing up?
This is an interesting point and one I’d never considered before.
I have a good friend who is always very put together and “perfect” in every aspect of her life that I almost always felt bad (drab, frumpy, boring) next to her. Seeing her self-confidence and her style, I realized over time: This is actually what I want for myself. She never pressured me into anything, but her appearance made me put pressure on myself, and because she has always been this way and has lots of experience in picking out clothes that flatter her and doing her make-up, I always felt bad in comparison (after all, Rome wasn’t built in a day).
So I believe you have an excellent point about the confidence, and I am sure that your friend and your boss both want to have the same level of self-worth and confidence that you have and seem to project with your dressing “chic”. It’s not necessarily about the clothes.
I don’t feel this pressure at all. My home is not quite where I’d like it to be, but I have the philosophy that a great home (like a great wardrobe) evolves over time, and I’m in no rush to buy things just to make my home look like what someone else thinks it should look like.
I don’t even think about being “chic” – I dress in clothes that suit my body and my taste. As long as I feel good in what I have on, no one else’s opinion really matters. Well, the husband gets some say, but he really doesn’t care so it’s really about dressing to please myself.
I say do what you love and don’t use the rest of the world as the lens to view yourself through. If you are happy, that’s all that matters.
I wonder your correspondent has what I call “alumni newsletter syndrome.”
I went to a small high school (60 students per class) and every year we get an alumni newsletter. There are usually 20 or so entries per class. Classmate A got married to a TV journalist, B had her third beautiful child (see photo from family ski trip), C was appointed Ambassador to Kirgyzstan, and D has published her second novel to critical acclaim. It’s tempting to read this newsletter and think, “everybody I graduated high school with has an exciting and remunerative career, a gorgeous partner, a lovely family, and is brilliant and creative. What’s wrong with me?!”
And the truth, of course, is that A might be struggling in his career, B’s older two children have serious behavioral issues, C is grieving her dad’s death, and D has a hoarding problem. E, and F are worried about their marriages, G is drinking too much and it’s affecting his work, etc. etc. Few people make public announcements like “my life is completely ordinary, and my fridge contains salad dressing from 1998.”
We all put our best foot forward – and that’s a good thing! But this is why it’s so dangerous to compare ourselves with other people. We compare our one ordinary self with the best of everybody else.
More mediated information exchange makes this worse. In the traditional small town rumor mill, bad news spreads even faster than good, but since we all have some control over our facebook and blog posts, we keep our schlubby sides to ourselves. I think this only increases “pressure” if we forget that mediated information is one big alumni newsletter.
“We compare our one ordinary self with the best of everybody else.”
Well said! I find myself succumbing to this a lot, but I think I am getting better at recognizing it when I do.
I really appreciated this post, Becky! It is dangerous for me to compare myself to everyone else. My self-esteem can just FALL apart!
The meditation i read this morning had to do with whether I allow others’ eyes to be windows into which I can look for beauty, truth, and other virtues or whether they are mirrors into which I can only see myself. Obviously the latter is so limiting…
I do care about how I look *and* I am aware that some days are easier than others to pull it all together. Mostly I care about what is going on with people on the inside. I’m not sure why I am such a hardnosed critic of my own outsides! I am learning to share my schlubby self with others.
For some reason, I notice the ‘chic life’ pressure more in terms of my mom suddenly wanting a cohesive decor for the whole house. She keeps showing me these pictures of well manicured homes from magazines and lamenting that our house doesn’t look like that. But personally, I’ve always found being in homes like that to be really suffocating. Sure, it looks beautiful, but I feel like I can’t touch anything. I can’t sit down on the sofa because it would disturb the artfully arranged throw pillows, you know? It’s like the purpose of your house is to display your excellent sense of interior design rather than to be like…lived in. I don’t know if it’s a new thing, necessarily, but it seems like such an unrealistic image of what a house is going to look like if you aren’t rich enough to have a staff to keep it that way. Bleh. I’ll take my weird mismatched IKEA furniture and totally unplanned (and probably crooked) poster placement any day.
I think it can feel a lot different with a magazine – you know they hired the skinniest or most physically beautiful girls, put them in clothes that are beautifully designed by master craftsmen, PIN the clothes to make them fit perfectly, pay a professional to do hair and makeup, pay another professional to take the pictures and yet another to edit them… it’s obviously not realistic but it’s still fun to look at and take inspiration from. I certainly am not going to look at a magazine and feel pressured to get a professional makeup artist and designer clothes to make me look that good.
But then there are girls with blogs who seem to have the most adorable wardrobes and look so cute and coordinated every day and never even dream of wearing the same outfit twice and by the way they have two adorable children but magically look the same as they did before they got pregnant and they fill their days with baking homemade bread and perfectly frosted cookies and taking pictures of their children in outfits from j. crew. And you wonder why your life can’t be like that.
I feel like I really have to stop and remember that it’s more like a magazine than you’d think. They aren’t going to post outfit pictures the day they wore yoga pants and a t-shirt. They’re going to take pictures when they had time to put together a cute outfit and only post the ones taken from flattering angles. If they want a perfect wardrobe and lovely photography they have to invest money in nice clothes and a good camera. If they want to post pictures of food they’ve made or crafts, they have to spend time doing those. Basically my point is that they’re only going to post the good stuff, and if they get good enough at it, it can be a full-time job… which would make them a professional at Having A Cute Life. Comparing yourself to a professional is silly.
These are good points. I take pics of myself sometimes to see how an outfit looks and notice that if I shoot from one side and tilt my head just so, my hair looks FABULOUS and magazine-worthy. But I look in the mirror, or shoot from the other side, and …. meh. But a SMILE always helps.
This is a great question!! I don’t feel pressure from my “real life” to be chic. I live in Baltimore, which is a wonderful city but not super fashion-forward. I skew towards a very casual style these days – usually jeans, cute flats, a cardigan over a fun top, a necklace or earrings, and that’s it. Believe it or not, that makes me more stylish than the majority of my workplace (which is admittedly very casual), and I never feel underdressed in that sort of outfit, compared to others around me. I do feel less put together when I wear sneakers and have my hair scraped back into a pony tail, but I don’t feel like I’m judged by others for looking like that, especially when I’m taking my dog to the park or just hitting Target on my day off.
In fact, I would go so far as to say that instead of pressuring people to be “chic,” many of the syle & fashion blogs I read seem to make dressing chic much more accessible for “regular” ladies like me. I feel like a few really great style blogs thave taught me that I can be chic while buying my clothes at Target and my shoes at Payless. Some of them are all about designer shoes and spending $300 on a blouse (I would sooner DIE!) and having a perfect skinny model body to show off a pair of drop-crotch harem pants that cost more than my monthly rent….but some blogs are about more than that. Especially this one! I’ve learned that just adding a fun scarf to a simple outfit can make it more chic by half, but I would never have tried wearing scarves (expect in a blizzard) if I hadn’t seen so many photos of women in simple outfits with a scarf that turned it into an incredibly chic ensemble. I find certain style & fashion blogs to be inspiring more so that anything else.
It depends. Now that I’ve moved to a new city after living in the same town my whole life, I’m more aware of making a good impression (not a chic impression). Still, even if I’m working at home I’ll wear clothing I like and swipe a bit of lipstick on. This is an interesting discussion.
As for Pinterest, I’m nuts about it. It’s like having windows into people’s inspirations and dreams.
I think my comment may have gotten lost…I agree with what several commenters have said, in that a lot of the pressure to be chic/put-together is mostly manufactured. As social media users, we all put out information that makes us be seen the way we want to be seen. We don’t document the ugly stuff, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen! If we can keep that in perspective – all those talented crafters/stylish bloggers/organized moms have problems just like yours – the pressure to be like them can be reduced.
My friends and I call this Twee Fascism. Mostly I just think it’s ridiculous, but when it comes to some things, such as children or the need to constantly mediate your lived experiences through the filter of your smartphone/social media persona, I think it’s stomach-turning and maybe even somewhat immoral.
Can you explain Twee Fascism a bit more? I think I may want to adopt this phrase, but I want to make sure I understand it.
What drives me batty about this “social media persona” (I like that too!) is how very fake it is. Like you are trying to create this image of this artsy, chic, perfect life you lead and just happens to want to share with people via facebook or blog or whatever, when the reality is often so much different. Like as long as there is a photo where it looks like your life is perfect, that is just as good as actually having happiness in your life. One of my close friends is always posting stuff of the “look at this awesome crafts project I did with my kid!”, “let me tell you about the awesome thing my husand just did!” (or even worse, posting cutesy things on wall when they are IN THE SAME HOUSE TOGETHER! Like they need an audience to confirm that their relationship is happy). But in the same day is emailing me about how miserable she is, how she can’t manage her kid (and that crafts project was the only time they spent together the whole week and it ended in a horrific tantrum), how her marriage is in trouble. I just don’t get that mentality.
There are a lot of books out these days about how feminism has sort of fallen out of the public eye and is instead being replaced with a highly stylized, consumer-driven version of feminism. I can’t remember who said it (I think maybe Peggy Orenstein), but I recently read that the headstrong, take-no-prisoners, Girl Power attitudes of the 80′s and 90′s have, in the last decade or so, gradually turned into, “I am woman, hear me shop.” Which includes always looking perfect so you can go out into the world and be a strong and independent woman (and turn heads along the way).
So yes, I think the pressure to be chic and perfect and polished has increased in recent years, because feminism, or at least the broader view of feminism, has evolved. It’s no longer just about attaining equality with men by having what men have. Now there’s an aspect of embracing the feminine that’s much more widely noticed, but also presented in an extremely specific way that does, to an extent, promote consumerism and unrealistic expectations for women.
I’m not going to try and define feminism, since it’s rather subjective and that wasn’t the question posed, but I did want to point out this cultural shift that I and many others have noticed.
Anyway, in terms of my own experience, I definitely feel the pressure. I’m all for the relationship between looking good and feeling good, but I do think that sometimes it’s hard to know where to stop. Will I feel better in cute, comfy clothes, or in cuter, not-so-comfy clothes with a chic handbag and my living space in perfect order and twenty bucks in my pocket to buy a gourmet lunch from a local deli? I think because more and more of our daily media viewage is now online, posted by regular people who are influenced by these ideals and do their best to at least appear chic and polished all the time, it’s easy to feel inadequate and feel like we MUST have what they have in order to feel good. But the truth is, they’re not that polished in real life, it’s just easier to appear that way when you can edit what’s on the screen.
Sorry for the novel/essay… I had a lot to say, apparently!
That shift sounds very scary! Similar to what I’ve noticed with respect to some online video games and Webkins essentially teaching young children to become consumers. if you have names of any books, please post because I’d really like to know the turning point that sent us in that direction!
Wow this post really hits home. Yes, I certainly do feel the pressure to be chic and stylish. I can’t blame anyone but myself. It is totally self-imposed. But the truth is that trying to look chic and to look like you live in a magazine shoot is exhausting and damn near impossible.
For me it all started fairly innocently. After two babies I found myself wearing men’s jeans and “fancy sweats” from the gap. I decided that I needed to pull myself together. I began to exercise regularly and made a promise to myself that I would not leave the house with out a zipper. Things just sort of spiraled up from there.
This year has been a bit of a reality check. Our house is a construction war zone, I took up triathlons as a new hobby and it has chewed up a lot of my “dress-up” time and beaten up my body so much that some days all I want to wear are sweats. I finally cut myself some slack. It is okay to have some down days. I’m also learning to simplify other aspects of my life that I thought had to be perfect. One good side effect is that I’m learning to cut other people some slack as well. I might still mentally redress them but I don’t feel as if other people are morally obligated to live up to my standards.
Just a few thoughts….
I wonder how many people around me feel pressured to look chic – I am surrounded by people wearing Uggs and yoga pants. I usually stand out by wearing skirts and ballet flats. I think we are all dressed to feel most comfortable in our day-to-day lives.
The images Sal’s friend mentions are highly-stylized split-second moments captured in photographs, which is not a viable comparison to real life. Consider it inspiration rather than a goal.
I hope that style blogs, Instagram and Facebook don’t affect ANYONE’S whole life. I know it’s social media but if you are feeling pressured please opt out. It can be fun but it really isn’t required for a happy life.
Not in the least. That’s because I don’t live inside the internet. Nobody I know thinks like all the people judging clothes for sport on the net. I realize that if I go into the city I will probably run across folks who do think about this all the time but I don’t know them, so I pay no mind to speculating about what their opinion of me might be. I feel better when I look pretty so I do it all for me. I like being the star of my own cinema verite.
I think what matters is who and what you surround yourself with. Most of my friends are just as messy and nutty as me. I like a laid back life and a mess just means I am busy.
I am glad to have a job, friends and family that don’t require every aspect of my life to be perfectly chic.
I was going to say the pressure is no higher – but in some ways I feel that it is. Professional pedicures and maincures weren’t always as common, and it was normal and fine to not have these always so “perfect” looking. Home hair jobs, as opposed to high quality salon work, seemed also more common and acceptable in beauty. Perfect depilation whether through professional waxing or laser removal also seems to be a bigger deal. Plastic surgery seems to have become ridiculously common, even for simple things as aging eyelids or slight nose revisions. Cosmetic dentristry. All these things, depending upon your social environment, leave you feeling like an old frump if you don’t keep up to the level nearly everyone else seems to. To me it’s ridiculous.
For clothing, it doesn’t seem as bad to me. In my view there seems to be a lot more tolerance in style and beauty for casual/sloppy or ill fitting or cheap/poor quality clothing than there is if your hair or teeth or skin or cuticles aren’t just right.
I agree 100%!! I don’t feel pressure to dress a certain way or be “chic,” but that’s clothing and fashion. In terms of make-up and beauty, I feel like there is TREMENDOUS pressure to look a certain way!! I get so frustrated with how many parts of my body I am supposed to buy creams, lotions, powders, etc. for. Sometimes I feel like cracking a magazine will just result in me feeling bad about another part of my body.
Generally I eschew spending wads of cash on my physical appearance, but then I will hear about a new hair product or razor or foundation and feel this burning desire to buy it in the hopes that a $10 product will magically make my life perfect. Or at least my hair. I get so mad at myself when I start thinking that way, becaause I know there is a billion-dollar industry that makes more money when I feel bad about myself and buy a miracle product expecting it to take me that much closer to physical perfection.
I tend to see this more as a desire than as a pressure. Similar to other desires perhaps encouraged or stimulated by internet/social media exposure, such as desires to make skillful choices in lots of different arenas–eating locally, staying fit, traveling in an eco-friendly fashion, etc. I suppose that to the extent that such desire is contributing to disappointment, inadequacy, or low self-esteem, it could then be interpreted as a pressure. Then I guess it’s time to unplug for awhile…..
The only pressure I feel to look put together and live a put together life is generated by myself. But it honestly causes me no distress at all and the effort to pleasure ratio is very manageable. Basically I like having few clothes and few possessions and this easily translates to a tidier home and stylish appearance. I could never have a fashion blog because my uniform would get rapidly boring to everyone in the world, but it’s something that works for my personality and my figure so I don’t care. But I love reading blogs for entertainment and different perspectives, and sometimes I do end up incorporating new things into my life. It’s always on my own terms though and my response 99% of the time is to admire on others, but avoid for myself. I definitely used to be much more impressionable though, and it wasn’t until I developed a strong sense of my own style self that I could be more discriminating. And I owe the internet for helping to identify my style self in the first place! The main limitation with fashion magazines is that they all report on the same trends and those trends may not be necessarily right for everyone. But the internet always provides different kinds of styles and you can filter out the noise of what’s trendy at the moment and figure out what is actually appealing to you. Ditto with house/food/garden/crafts and what have you.
What a fantastic and discussion-provoking post. I think the great thing about the bologosphere is how much variety there is to choose from, as opposed to the glossy magazine viewpoint of thin and tall and rich (at least comparatively). For every blog that promotes trends and styles and new things to buy, there is a blog focusing on thrifting or remixing or NOT shopping or sewing your own clothes, featuring women of all sizes and ages. I guess I’m saying that now there are some checks and balances in the system, not simply retail-driven consumerism.
I also dig what Lili said about the pressure to be CREATIVE and EDGY driving a few bloggers into Loony-land! Ha! Fashion blogs have definitely inspired me to take chances and push my own conservative boundaries, but I have a relapse zone on the weekends, where I just put on jeans and a tee and call it a day. I just don’t photograph those days.
I’m old enough now to recognize that often we impose a lot of pressure on ourselves without any help from outside influences. My mother kept a “perfect” house and worked full-time and dressed well in an environment that really didn’t require all that (small town, academic position). Or maybe all that small-town-ness drove her to be a little more polished.
Anyway, I love that we have so much choice about our style influences, and the non-commercial nature of most blogs invite thoughtful commentary and discussion – just like this post!
When I actually compare myself to my peers (= those I work with/go to school with/am friends in real life with), I’m definitely one of the more style-conscious of the bunch, because I enjoy playing with self-expression through my clothing and dressing in a more polished and feminine manner. So I certainly don’t feel pressure from my normal life!
However, I do think that the rise of the internet/blogs/tremendous access to visual information has affected the pressure to look chic and have a chic home…perhaps not increased the pressure of “keeping up with the Jones,” but now the “Jones” aren’t just your next-door neighbors but people from around the world, often with carefully-edited portrayals of them at their best. I agree with some of the other commenters that those portrayals come across as more realistic and achievable than a magazine layout, where you know everything is outside of your budget and impeccably styled by professionals. But seeing what others can do with their thrifted clothing and handcrafted jewelry and adorable living room accessories — inspirational, yes, but also occasionally pressuring.
I’m also curious how much has changed through our cultural focus on living our “best lives” (actually did a post on my blog yesterday looking at that…). There seems to be an increasing current that says we’re worthy of having beautifully decorated houses that feel inviting and homey and lovely outfits that make us look terrific– so we OUGHT to have those things or we’re not giving ourselves what we deserve. Anyone else feel that the “best life” story is a form of pressure?
TOTALLY! I do believe that it’s important to make the most of your time on earth, but can’t we occasionally live our “perfectly fine for now life” or our “good enough for government work life?” Just once in a while?
I also wonder if now that women have more choices about whether to work, stay at home or split time between the two, those that opt to stay home feel they have to be Uber moms/ women. Perhaps we feel that to do any less would be slacking off? I know I succumb to that feeling pretty often. It’s not enough to be a laid back mom with a fairly neat house and reasonably well fed, average performing progeny, oh no; we have to have sparkling -clean/ well decorated homes, our kids need to be fed a carefully calibrated, macrobiotic, locally sources organic diet so they can all score in the top 98% of their API tests.
Actually, I went to the mall this weekend in the first time in a long time. I usually feel confident and stylish, but being at this upscale mall, I felt weirdly under-dressed. I felt like, if I were to go to this mall a lot, or maybe even live closer to it, I’d feel a pressure to be a certain kind of chic — that very up-to-the-minute chic — that I don’t feel now because I have edited what sorts of blogs and websites I read down to ones that don’t push that sort of chic.
I felt like, if I were to live near this mall, I might find myself in a constant state of desire — and debt! — born of feeling inadequately out-of-date. But the fashion blogs I read, like this one, inspire me to be creative with clothes I already have. I feel like the internet, because it is so large, allows me to cocoon myself away from the spendier sort of chic of physical, urban retail spaces.
Interesting question. My life can very easily be divided into “chic” and “not chic” segments. Being chronically ill, most days I don’t leave the house, so I don’t wear interesting clothes or put on makeup or do much with my hair. When I do go out, I get really dressed up, in the retro style I’ve gravitated towards in the last year or two, with makeup and hair at least in place if not in a more elaborate up-do. It’s part of my armor for facing the world, but it’s also part of my ritual of reminding myself that even though my body is ill and dysfunctional, it can still be pretty and bring me joy.
So when I go out, even just grocery shopping, I feel a pressure to look put together, but that pressure is entirely self-imposed (though at this point, if I did show up to the grocery store in sweatpants and no makeup, I think the cashiers might fall off their registers and ask if I’m okay, lol). Because of my illness, I feel that it’s important to retain a hold on looking good, at least a couple of times a week.
The only other pressure I feel is when my husband pulls out the camera. He got a nice digital SLR a few years ago and has gotten pretty good with it, and can take some really lovely pictures of me, IMO. But if it’s one of the days when I’m not leaving the house, then I won’t have makeup on and my hair may be a bit of a mess, and even the best photography skills can’t really make up for that. So if he pulls out the camera a couple of times in a week, I start to feel this pressure to look good all the time, even at home, just in case he brings out the camera again.
Your friend mentioned Instagram, and I wonder if that’s part of this phenomenon, along with style blogs, Pintrest, etc. With modern cell phones, any moment could be a Kodak moment, as they used to say. I can see the pressure there to look good, always, just in case someone pulls out a camera or camera-phone. I can see it as a sort of anxiety — do I look good enough right this moment that I could have my picture taken? what does it mean if I don’t?! — in a way that could be very destructive.
But on the other hand, I can see it as a motivation to only wear clothing (and makeup, hairstyles, etc) that you really really love. I want my clothing to communicate something about me, whether or not someone snaps a picture. Life is too short to wear boring clothes. For me personally, I would like to embrace that idea and strive towards a wardrobe that’s more me, rather than feeling pressure to look a certain way. We can use blogs and Instagram and the whole lot to find ourselves and communicate our true selves to the world. Or we can use them as just another source of outside pressure to look a certain way, no different than celebrity magazines telling us that we’re still not thin enough. There’s a beauty and diversity in online style blogs, Pintrest pages, Instragram, etc etc, that goes beyond “you must like exactly like X”, if we’re willing to see it. It’s up to us how we interpret and harness that pressure.
Like you, I’m not sure if it’s increased or if I’m just more aware of it. Though I would say it has. It’s the advent of smartphones and the constant photographing of everything around you I think, the need to make coffee and reading a book in bed look stylish all of a sudden. That being said, I don’t really feel the pressure on me personally that much. This is partly because I’m a blogger who does do these kinds of posts that glamourise my life, so I know that there is a lot of editing and setting up involved even if it is ‘real’. And partly, and somewhat conversely, because most of my friends never read blogs. And if you don’t, that expectation for everything to be lovely isn’t there. They know me with greasy hair and food on my sleeves.
Hmm interesting question. I find that running a fashion/beauty blog does make me more aware of my own appearance, which in turn makes me put more of an effort into my outfits and grooming. That being said, I have no qualms about going to Sunday brunch in jeans and a T-shirt with a ponytail and no makeup.
I do feel some of that pressure, even in New Zealand. What is more, since I am not as model-like/uber-stylish as some of my friends, I feel a parallel pressure to have a really nice abode. “I may not be the model, but y’all are using my house as the background for your photo shoot!”
Also, as Samantha has noted, so much of the “chicness” comes through the lens of the camera. A friend with an SLR came over and took some shots of my house, and suddenly it was ready for ApartmentTherapy.
But…the pressure is there, but also communication about it. I feel like if I was feeling stuck and frumpy, I could ask on style blogs and boards and get some support. There’s a sense of helpfulness and support, there really is.
I don’t feel any societal pressure to look chic. It’s completely self-imposed pressure. I love fashion–not the trendy stuff, but my own “style”. It makes me feel good to look good. I think that’s what we should strive for.
By the way, I live in Vancouver–the city voted recently to have the worst dressers in the world! I agree that there are too many people wearing leggings as pants, too many sweatpants, and too many ripped jeans.
It sends a message to others how you portray yourself through your clothes. It shows you care about yourself. That’s a good thing.
I am not sure if I am troubled by the pressure to appear chic or fashionable (I feel like that pressure has always existed), but there is certainly more pressure to have “a personal style” these days. I am not sure what role style blogs play in this, or if fashion marketing has changed somehow… but I do feel like we are expected to “portray ourselves” through our clothes, or spell out our identities in our clothing, which I find a little troubling.
I don’t feel pressure to keep up from most blogs that I frequent. There is so much out there that you can easily pick and choose and I also think there is more of an outlet for describing the whole picture, which I think is left out in traditional media. I think that hearing the personal story behind the images can put things in perspective and allows us to value individuality rather than just a single, touched up, perfected image.
I do think there is pressure to look good, and make a good impression. I’m all for dressing in clothes that make you feel good. We all have our good and bad days, however. But, I’m all for individual style and, as a I read recently in a book by a French woman, if you are in a short skirt or tight dress with really high heels but you are uncomfortable, by all means go home and change. Besides, you can look very stylish in a nice pair of jeans and a nice shirt or blouse too – and heels or flats both look nice. It is really an individual choice. I think the older we get the less we care about this. That said, the biggest problems I see in the American society is the emphasis on youth and that most models are stick skinny. We should appreciate individualism.
I don’t have a fashion blog, so the only time I feel the pressure to dress up is at work. Even then it’s partly in my head, since I’m a weekend receptionist and tend to dress up more than what the weekday receptionist said she would do, which is also more than the previous weekend receptionist.
My friends are of the printed-tee-and-jeans mindset, so no fashion pressure from them!
For me, I think the pressure had just changed in nature. Before, doing something I saw in a magazine seemed like it would be too out of the box and risky because it was for models and fashion editors, and it would make me look silly. Now, with blogs and Pintrest and the like, I get the feeling that risks are for everyone and creativity in dress has come to be expected.
So, I feel less like I’m being judged for trying too hard and more like I’m being judged for not trying hard enough, if that makes sense.
Oh, and I would add that I respect when a blogger chooses to keep his/her private life off of the Internet, but I usually connect best with blogs that have a voice individualized enough to remind readers that there’s a real person behind the screen with the same insecurities, hopes, fears, accomplishments, and pressures as everyone else. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to talk about your job or home life to seem “real.”
That being said, I truly enjoy when a blogger has the courage to put their private life and personal struggles out there because, despite the fact that there are so many rude people who would take advantage of that person’s vulnerability, it shows readers that the writer has had either similar experiences to what they have or casts light on real issues, stories, and human differences.
If everyone, in every aspect, every moment is so “chic”, why would people read the blog, follow, like, +1 and etc? They look different, special, and most of all “chic” as far as more people are NOT so.
I am in the hospital bed right now with gels in eyes, IV lines, reading the importance of stretching instead of how to dress well(which I always like to do no t with great success) or lose weight and hoping for being healthy again. To me even overworking nurses and early morning cleaning ladies look chic because they are not hospitalized; meaning, they are different from me in different (of course in this case very good) way in that particular aspect I am not.
You don’t have to become someone else’s chic! BEEE yourself.
This is the fourth article on this topic I’ve stumbled across in the past two days. I had wondered if it was some organized topic somewhere. It seems to me that the pressure to feel chic can be blamed on the culture, but it is actually largely self-created. My family doesn’t care at all if I look chic. I could go to work in jeans and athletic shoes. Chic is something fun in my book. I wonder if “fashion week” isn’t contributing to this feeling at the moment.
Definitely not. My office is full of people in torn track pants & no shoes. I put pressure on myself not to become someone who wears a singlet with leggings and thongs to work every day. Being chic is my reward!
what an intriguing question and reading the answers was very interesting.
In my day-to-day life… not so much. My husband and friends don’t give a crap, I work mostly from home and I live in a notoriously un-stylish city (Ottawa). I also work at a clothing store, but even there I don’t feel much
Like others, I don’t feel pressure from magazines, tv etc. but I do, however, feel a little intimidated by the internet and its plethora of “real” people and their seemingly perfect wardrobes/houses/lives. But no-one’s life is completely perfect and even those who create a damn good illusion either make sacrifices and/or basically do it for a living.
While I do feel a lot better about myself when I put more effort into my appearance, I try to stay focussed on my relationships, my career, contributing to society… you know, the important stuff. I don’t have the money or the time to be perfectly dressed and immaculately groomed, and I’m okay with that
Of course there is pressure. Much of it comes from the English-speaking world but it’s rapidly spreading everywhere else (in the mid-80s my new Swiss friends were really curious about why I didn’t have any leg hair, now they will be the ones with a Brazilian or whatever one does down there).
And much of that pressure is aimed at YOU…
your hair needs to be neither too dry nor too greasy and woe betide if it’s flyaway… your face needs to have perfect skin, perfect features (cosmetic surgery, of course), perfect brows, perfect sight (laser surgery), and of course perfect and white teeth, you name it… your body has to be an acceptable size and shape, it can only vary in a limited framework that fits the accepted clothing (who says EVERYONE can wear “just” jeans?!), your body skin has to be immaculate and women, no hair anywhere (where did THAT come from??!!) including your rapidly aging armpits (hear me, Dove…) and your finger and toenails to be perfectly -cured at all times. Plus we have to smell appealing to others (what happened to body chemistry or our own preferences?!). Don’t get me started on what we have to do and be in all our daily lives, with our spouses, children, families, work and home.
Gosh, I’m exhausted just writing all that.
Wow, I’m late to the party on this topic. I guess I don’t feel any pressure to be chic so far as appearance is concerned. My Chihuahua puppies don’t care and my husband doesn’t care so long as I don’t go to the store in my pajama bottoms. After mulling this subject over, I have determined that my take on chic encompasses more than clothes. When I was a teen or young adult I probably would have equated chic with cool and wearing all the right clothes. As I approach Medicare age I think chic is a state of mind, an attitude or lifestyle if you will. As always, Sally, your readers have very thought-provoking comments.
I’ve felt pressure to look chic since one had to have Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and a rainbow shirt in the 4th grade. Now with all the blogs and shows, I feel better able to keep up.
One of my favorite pieces of advice came from Tim Gunn’s short lived show – the sweatsuit alternative. Make sure one has a comfy item to throw on when you don’t want to wear anything or don’t care. Since it’s already pre-screened, one doesn’t have to worry about it being sloppy. I still have some outrageously comfortable outfits that look hideous for wearing around the house, but I’ve added a selection of outrageously easy, comfortable outfits that look great which means I can be a slob but look chic.
My favorite is this dress (well, it’s close, mine has thin straps) but it’s by these folks and I have yet to wear it where a guy hasn’t stopped me to tell me it looks awesome/fun. It makes everyone smile and really, I was having a day where I didn’t feel like wearing anything I had to think about.
http://www.harmonytie-dyes.com/harmonystore/itempics/rayondressb.jpg
Sorry for the late response….as a plus size woman, I always feel a responsibility to try to look “put together” or chic or fashionable. I feel I owe it to the plus size community to show people that “bigger” girls can also look cute and can accessorize and dress well. While I realize that some of this is my own prejudice (assuming people have preconceived notions about plus size women) I also realize that some people don’t think us big girls can ever look good, no matter what we do.
So yes, I feel the need to try my best all the time, but I do have fun with it.