Sometimes I feel like I have a hard time figuring out what I deserve.
I work incredibly hard and almost incessantly. Between my full-time day job, writing for the blog, keeping the associated business afloat, speaking engagements, managing contests, and working with style consult clients I spend about 80% of my waking hours doing some sort of work. I am at the gym four times per week, where I do weights, core, and a truly gigantic amount of cardio. I’m married to a pretty incredible guy. I try to make my friendships a priority, and am constantly scheduling lunches and coffees and outings and dinners in an attempt to stay connected with the people I love.
I am exhausted a lot.
I am also prone to anxiety and, at times, depression. And this combination of factors meant that I indulged in the “treat” mentality for much of this past spring. In a string of exasperated internal tantrums, I allowed myself to repeatedly decide, “I have been working my ass off without a break for what seems like forever, and I deserve a treat, damn it.”
Historically, my “treat yourself” weaknesses are food and shopping. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I determine that there’s no real end in sight, and decide that I am going to reward my own perseverance, I’ll either indulge in something delicious to eat or purchase something I’ve been pondering for months. Since my body has started to rebel against many types of food, eaten treats have become rarer and rarer. But new shoes didn’t give me heartburn or nausea, new handbags didn’t make me feel ill … so I began slowly and methodically accumulating stuff.
And, as always, I was spending cash. I was keeping up with my financial responsibilities. No one was getting hurt, no one was getting slighted, nothing was getting neglected. But at a certain point in this slow-but-steady spending spree, I realized that my workload hadn’t lessened one iota, I loved everything I’d bought but none of it made me feel less overwhelmed, and if this kept up my financial goals would eventually fall into jeopardy. Obvious and logical, yes, but still disappointing to realize. Because it feels momentarily amazing to decide that you deserve the things you love and covet, that you’ve done an awesome job for a long time and a treat is well due. It feels like self-soothing, it feels like self-care, it feels like acknowledging your own awesomeness. And done occasionally, it may be. Done repeatedly, it’s less of a true reward and more of a distraction tactic.
And while I nabbed some amazing deals on wearables during this haze of treats, what I really wanted to purchase was time. If I could buy a gift card for myself that would give me a week to just laze around with my cats, read a few novels, and do an obscene amount of napping, I’d be thrilled beyond all human comprehension. I’m sure many of you feel the same way. Jobs, kids, illness, world events, family, pets, career … all of these things make us rich, interesting human beings, but they also make us TIRED. Unstructured free time is what so many of us crave to recharge, a temporary escape from the crush of daily life. When we realize we can’t create more time, can’t put our duties on pause, the temporary fix of treats seems wholly reasonable. We escape for an instant, on a cloud of delight, and then return to normalcy.
In case you’re curious, I’m over it now. There were two main factors that helped me turn off the “treat myself” mentality:
- After an unbearably long, dark, cold, SNOWY winter, I was inconsolably depressed and in need of some warmth and sunlight. Once spring began to take hold, I stopped trying to patch up my sadness with stuff.
- I also made some concrete savings and financial goals that have emotional and personal significance, which gave me the ability to counter, “But, but, I totally deserve this!” with, “Buy that, and it’s less money toward your long-term goals.” Amazingly effective.
And I’m starting to cook up some non-food, non-shoe treats for the next time I get that sinking, overwhelmed, no-end-in-sight feeling. But if anyone comes across gift cards for unstructured time, PLEASE let me know.
Do you engage the “treat yourself” shopping mentality? Are you able to procure a treat, enjoy it, and move on, or do things spiral? How else do you treat yourself? Non-shopping treats? Are they just as dangerous in their own ways?
Image courtesy John Fluevog. I treated myself to those Guide Mary Janes in red and blue.
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I was having a time where I was working really hard at work, not having fun (surrounded by people who were very successful at making me feel bad) and my husband did this wonderful thing – he called up the dept. admin. assistant and made arrangements with me to ‘kidnap’ me (not really – he just had her make arrangements for my time card on a Friday and called her to tell me that he had something for me outside). When I got outside to get what he had, he just said, “Get in the car; you’re done for the day. We’re outta here.” When I protested, he said, “All taken care of. They know you are gone,” and off we went. I had no idea where we were going and he would not tell me one thing except, “You’ll love this.” We ended up down in the Hudson Valley at a B&B for the weekend. It was great. I loved the fact that a) unlike the usual travel scenario, where I get all wound up and schedule every moment to death, this was totally a surprise and someone else took all the responsibility for the arrangements and so on. I could completely relax. And it was strangely liberating that I did not have to go into my boss and do the ‘Please sir, can I have a little bit of time off” thing. My husband just called up our admin and told her he was going to take me away. that was a real learning experience – I never asked for time off after that.
love this story
wow, toby, what an amazing and thoughtful husband you have! That’s incredibly sweet (and smart) … hmmm, how to carefully arrange the computer screen so my own husband could see this?
Like!
I have definitely been a “treat myself” kind of girl, and while I wasn’t building debt I certainly wasn’t helping myself either. My weakness was always little things like a clearance dress at Target when I went in for paper towels. For me the second-hand pledge (Not buying any clothing -well foundation garments excluded- new) helped a lot. I haven’t shopped compulsively since May and since thrifting takes a lot more time even that has become more purposeful.
I just stumbled upon your blog via the Yes and Yes blog and I’m glad I did. Love it so far! This post really hit home and I felt compelled to comment (sorry for the length!).
In my 20s I unfortunately indulged in the “treat” myself mentality to the point of obscene excess. Or what most call a ‘shopping addiction’. We’re talking $600 Fendi bags; clothes, clothes, and more clothes; and endless dinners and nights out drinking/dancing. All of this on an editorial assistant for a book publisher’s salary (anyone familiar with the publishing industry is seriously cringing knowing just how little that is). Now 31-years-old I am still paying for my mistakes, and seriously at that. Although I have managed to maintain a decent quality of life I am constantly aware of the mounds of debt that I cannot get away from and the potential things it has kept me from doing.
I think your description on how it feels and why we do it is spot on. I’ve definitely overcome the major hurdle of not blowing hundreds of dollars at a time that I don’t have and am now on my way to paying all my debt off. But it will always be something I struggle to keep at bay. Like you say in point #2- I too have some very emotionally powerful financial goals that I now am working towards- things I want to do and although it’s still hard – they have helped me say “no” to those pair of shoes I really don’t need or that skirt that is too cute.
Of course I still indulge some, I think deprivation is an invitation for binging and I am MORE than open to other suggestions for how to stave off that shopping craving when it hits!
I think I’m good with how I handle those things. I don’t really treat myself after a stressful time I think. I would, but I just don’t ^^ I say I will, and then I’m too frugal if I don’t really really want it. But if I really really wanted it, chances are I have already bought it! I guess it comes down to “I buy things when I like them, no matter what was before. But I only buy things I really like and I’m so cheap it does not rip a hole into any savings anyway”.
That was a lot “I”s ^^
Something that really helps putting one’s own behavior into perspective, and also in bettering oneself is seing how others do it. This is *obviously* not related to you, but since it’s related to the question I’ll just tell a little story: I once read on a beauty blog that the blogger went to a job interview and treated herself to a 50€ blush afterwards. Uh, what? Going to an interview is nothing one would have to be treated for. It’s part of normal life! Getting a raise, getting promoted, getting the job… Those are reasons I could get behind, you suddenly have more money and get something really nice for all the work you’ve put into it. But as it is in our world today, the efforts one would have to put in and the rewards one would “deserve” seem to get more and more disproportional. People do not always realize that some things are normal and not a special effort that has to be followed with a gift (a big one to boot). I think reading those things really knocks some sense into oneself
Relatable Style
I SO get that no-end-in-sight feeling. Like, once a week. I used to try to keep it at bay with a food treat. Shopping wasn’t ever my thing, but food? Yes. Food was my thing.
At a certain point, I made the decision to stop using food to try to meet my other needs. For me, the only option was to give myself the rest I needed. I was needing rest, so there was nothing else that would possibly soothe me. Now I still get regularly overwhelmed, what with running a business AND having a day job. But I take a day off from the day job about once a month now. And as hard as it is, I allow myself extra time to sleep and time to do nothing but read for fun. And it helps.
Hi Sally, You hit the “nail on the head’ with this post! Up here in mid-northern Ontario, I also found the winter ENDLESS and work proportionately stressful, and as a result my eBay account got more action than it deserved, when I could brush the crumbs off my fingers in order to use the keyboard! Wish I had a brilliant solution, but not yet. I recognized in retrospect what I was up to, and will watch for it next time. Physical activity would be the best solution, but obviously it wasn’t a “cure all” for you, and I’m no where near your level! However, blogs like yours (in particular!) do give us something to look forward to on those days when “showing up” again seems highly over-rated!
Wow, this is such a great post. I’m impressed at your insight about how you “got over it.”
I don’t tend to treat myself with stuff, but I will do things like skip an afternoon gym class if I’ve had a hard day, or have a big bowl of ice cream (when I know dairy makes me feel like crap).
Things totally spiral for me. If I can find the self-discipline to stay on the straight and narrow, I am soooo much happier in the long run.
I do fall prey to the ‘treat myself’ with a shopping trip mentality. I rarely go over budget and I keep a little list of things that I want, but are a splurge (for me).
One thing I might suggest is giving yourself permission to NOT DO ANYTHING. That was my reward this weekend. I took the 4th off. I didn’t do anything social (since I’d been out and about/working all weekend). I worked a little bit on some sewing projects that I keep pushing back because there are more ‘important’ things to do. I ate to many Oreos, watched bad TV, and played video games, ALL DAY LONG. And then… I went to bed early!
I’m with you, Loren!
Sal, I do understand. I am a pretty driven person, & used to overwork myself to the point of collapse, literally. At one point, after a few very difficult years, I got sick with the flu, and once the bug passed in a week or so, (sorry, this is a little vivid) I was still exhausted & throwing up almost everything I ate. My excellent doctor couldn’t help until I needed hospital care, so I tried my naturopath. He said I had exhausted myself to the point I could no longer hold food down. And that I needed to REST to recover. It took 3 more weeks or so to pass.
It was a turning point for me. I had no idea that this level of exhaustion was even possible, and I had hit it! Things obviously had to change.
I have made a lot of mistakes figuring out how to take care of myself. I used to treat myself by eating out; food AND money, yes! I still tend to treat with food, but I catch it faster & faster every time. I was always into yoga, & made progress to the point where I can recognize feeling tired & make time to rest. I take a day off of work to sleep, chill & play. It keeps me sane.
The treating thing has a secret, though. When you feel the need to “treat”, that is the warning bell itself that you need to start clearing space. Resting. Stopping. Personal time.
These things are not Treats. You do not have to Earn Them. They are Necessities required for you to be healthy in body, mind & spirit. There’s no other way to say that!
“The treating thing has a secret, though. When you feel the need to “treat”, that is the warning bell itself that you need to start clearing space. Resting. Stopping. Personal time.
These things are not Treats. You do not have to Earn Them. They are Necessities required for you to be healthy in body, mind & spirit. There’s no other way to say that!”
Quoted For Truth!
Sounds like this post could have been written by me! I, too, suffer from anxiety/depression. As I have gotten older (will be 49 this year!) I realized my anxiety stemmed from trying to please everyone else and having no time for myself. I started saying “no, thank you” (even to family members) taking back my precious free time. Now life sometimes causes stuff to come up, but I am working on living in the now, and trying less for perfection. I also know, that I NEED alone time. Actually being with 3 or more people really stresses me, so I have to balance! But, I don’t buy shoes for a treat, I buy fabric, magazines and books! And the occassional Red Velvet Cupcake.
I prefer experiences to shopping when I want to “treat” myself; the only problem is they aren’t tangible or immediate. So while one person may walk away with a handbag I have to sit and wait for my tickets to arrive and then I wait further for the actual orchestra/rock concert/musical/monster truck rally. Sometimes when the ticket arrives it’s like a mini surprise I forgot about. I still buy shoes but it’s not really to self-soothe. I just like them. Plus I have feet and feet require shoes for service at the local shop and gos. May as well make ‘em fabulous.
Yes, I totally do that! I buy stuff when I feel that work takes over my life! But it never heps anything!
Yes, I treat myself. Once a month, I take care to make a small purchase that is just for my own indulgence. Often, that purchase is a lottery ticket: just one, I let the machine choose the numbers, and I joke with the clerk that the ticket costs less than a candy bar and is non-fattening. When we were desperately poor, I treated myself to catalog shopping for items I knew I would never be able to buy. I’d carefully pore over the book, fill out the order form, then toss the whole mess in the trash. It is important to recognize that we want things. It is equally important to realize that spending all our money on things may not be the best use of limited resources. Fantasy shopping quells that urge, for me.
Wow, this post comes at exactly the right time for me.
I’ve been earning real money (as in, enough to get me and my husband over the month and then some) for nearly a year now and I have run mad with spending! I hate my job, so I compensate with shoes and supplies for my various hobbies, with going out for dinner and a new expensive coffee machine. It’s not as if I couldn’t afford it, but it doesn’t solve the problem and while I wear the shoes and enjoy my supplies, the underlying problem is still there and makes me more stressed out and more depressed all the time. And it will stay like this for the next 3, 4 years with no escape in sight…
I think I should really try and get over the compulsive spending, but it is very hard to forbid myself things that I will enjoy when I have plenty of things on my plate that make me feel bad. I feel that I deserve something nice for all my trouble.
Like you, what I really need would be time. Time off to do what I want to do, to just enjoy, sleep, read, cuddle the cats, go to the spa, relax, recharge my batteries – but time is the only thing that I cannot get more of. The day has 24h and we have to cope with that.
Possible non-shopping treats for me would be a long hot bath (as long as it’s not too warm for that), a cup of ice cream, a glass of wine in the evening on the blacony, breakfast in bed with fresh croissants on a Sunday morning, have my husband cook me dinner and clean the kitchen afterwards (he does this quite frequently and I love it!), and granting myself a day off from time to time, a day when I won’t even make the effort to get dressed properly, when I will see no one, not even friends, not leave the apartment all day and generally do nothing but relax. But, what I think is most important is to go through life with your eyes open and notice all the little things that are good, enjoy those precious moments when life is good – because they exist, surely, but sometimes they are hard to see amidst all the stress and bad feelings.
I too hate my job Tensi. It was a ‘temporary’ assignment 7 years ago and I’m still in it. I just took this past week off with all kinds of plans to do things but I have ended up being totally lazy and I think that is what I needed. Besides the depression of the job, I am going through menopause and cannot take anything for the synptoms which are at times unbearable. I used to ‘treat’ myself with things but it turned out that just having ‘things’ without meaning was it’s own form of stress. So now I try to unwind by reading something that is just fun or silly or watching an old movie or just sitting on the screen porch with my husband and a soft drink and lots of petting the cat. After this week I feel much more relaxed and rested and while the job is still there, I realize that I can schedule some time off every once in a while and it helps me get through things. Great post, Sal!
Hi Carole and Tenshi – why are you stuck in your jobs? It’s pretty suck to spend years doing something you hate. Is there any way you could get out?
In my case, I am close to when I want to retire. Plus, I’ve done this job so long that my skill level in my chosen field has dropped to where I don’t have a lot of confidence that I can do a good job. I am hoping that retirement (or basically just quitting work) is 18 months or less in my future. Then after a month of down time I fully intend to get into more volunteer opportunities and get more involved in my hobbies. If it wasn’t for the fact that I’m hoping to retire soon, I would defenitely be looking for something else.
I’m doing my PhD, and without it, I sadly won’t have a lot of choices regarding my future career. Hate is also maybe too strong a word… I certainly don’t like it much, but it would be tolerable if some other things weren’t the way they are, most of all myself – I’ve got a lot of issues that I really need to work on. As long as I don’t solve these, it won’t even make sense anyways to drop out and try something else. It would only be a matter of time until I’d be again where I am now.
Sal, can you *schedule* some unstructured time?
I have a very low tolerance for constant activity, so I schedule at least one day every other weekend for doing “nothing” – reading, napping, goofing off. I might cook a nice meal or go for a walk, but the point of the day is that there is nothing (besides my daily chores) that I *have* to do. I often don’t return phone calls on that day, or check my email. Sometimes these days actually become incredibly productive – I spontaneously make pickles or clean out a closet or re-mulch the garden – but other times I literally lie on the sofa all day under a blankie, reading trashy fiction and eating bonbons.
Being a different person than me, you might need fewer of these types of days; maybe half-days, and maybe once a month, or quarterly? I found that if I don’t defend this kind of time for myself, I don’t get it; then I get sick then sicker, until I wind up spending more time in bed being ill, than I would have spent proactively recharging so as not to get sick in the first place.
But think about it – if you can schedule time off from work for a speaking engagement, you can schedule time off from work to do nothing. If you can arrange a dinner with one friend and not with another, you can arrange dinner with no friend at all. It just takes prioritizing this “down time” as a necessary part of your self-maintenance and health routine.
Becky, I do the same thing but on a weekly basis. Once a week (at least) I have to have time to putter around at home. I don’t talk to anyone or do any work. I might spend the entire evening lying on the couch under a blanket and watching trashy TV shows. Or I might do my nails and a facial mask. It’s the best feeling ever to sit back and not talk to anyone.
I think you’re right wanting not things but time. I may miss the point with this comment, but have you thought about reducing the workload? Before you say “No way!”, let me explain. I live in the Netherlands, hard working people if I ever saw one. But lately the youngest generation is choosing more and more for a relaxed career path (working 36 hours a week is quite normal here – yes, really). Also, the 20 days of free day (plus national holidays) per year are *sacred*. They’re still quite ambitious and career oriented, but personal life has also an specific weight that is no longer ignored.
I realize the Dutch situation could not be implemented everywhere, but let me tell you, they’re a very happy folk (this is stadistically proven, I read that somewhere) and I think free time has much to do with it.
This post and the comments I’ve read so far are amazing. I thought I was the only one who so successfully rationalized everything as a treat. My husband began to chuckle every time I gave this reason for a purchase or vacation plan, and I finally noticed that he was chuckling a lot. Until I saw it from his perspective, I didn’t realize how much I was spoiling myself.
I think there’s a difference between rewards and treats, however. It took my life/career coach to show me how to build rewards into my goal-setting. Before she offered this insight, I would set goals and expect to put my nose to the grindstone and not look up until they were accomplished. That wasn’t realistic. She suggested I break the goals up and give myself incentives for accomplishing them on my way to reaching the larger goal. I think this goes along with the way Sally’s long term goals have helped her say no to short term indulgences. If you’ve planned for rewards, you don’t feel so deprived and can focus on reaching them–there’s an end in sight after all.
I can fall into the “treat yourself” trap on occasion – usually after long bouts of successful avoidance of shopping. I’m in the “off” period again and am trying to buy more exclusively second-hand clothes because when I do engage in the shopping binge these days, I just feel more guilty than happy due to creating more waste, sponsoring horrible labor practices, etc.
One thing I am consistently good at is allowing for enough free time in my life. I have a full-time job, a husband and 2 dogs, but I still manage to read a ton, go to movies, watch some occasional TV, see my friends very regularly, take some fun classes here and there, spend oodles of time at the dog park, ride my bike and just generally laze about when I feel like it. Free time is of paramount importance to me so I am careful never to over-book myself doing things that feel like obligations. A few years back I decided that (with exceptions of work and extreme scenarios of friend/family obligations), I don’t do anything I don’t want to do. I don’t spend every holiday with my family, I don’t go to weddings of acquaintances, I don’t spend time with people who don’t enrich my life, etc. It might seem selfish, but it works for me. It means that my time is spent doing what I love, and that makes me a very happy and content person.
I hear you on wanting time. That said, maybe I have just been lucky to have decent vacation/sick time and flexible bosses, so when I see people lamenting the lack of time for themselves, I think, heck, take a day or an afternoon off! My last boss encouraged me to take nonsick “sick” time – he was bitter at losing hundreds of hours of sick time after he left his previous job. But I also think many of us want to believe that our workplace cannot function without us, when in reality, we all could probably take a few days off here and there without dire consequences. Self-run businesses are another matter, but I would imagine that cutting yourself a bit of slack from time to time couldn’t hurt too much, especially if you are getting burned out.
If the exercise routine is getting you down, you could try a different activity. I work out pretty regularly, but it includes two weight training classes a week that use different exercises every class, ballet classes, and some cardio (totally boring and I get through it only by reading magazines on the elliptical, although it does generally feel good when I’m done). So there’s some variety and the classes actually have a bit of a social element to them.
I wouldn’t call myself a shopaholic, quite, but definitely have used it as a crutch. I loved your HALT piece, where you discussed that being Hungry, Angry/Anxious, Lonely, or Tired was a trigger for shopping. I did A LOT of shopping last spring when I was anxious about starting a new job. It has tapered off, and keeping HALT in mind has helped. As for non-shopping stress relievers, wandering around the library is a big one for me. I don’t spend money but still get to take stuff home! I also sometimes go to stores where I know I won’t buy anything – Anthropologie because I can’t bear to spend that much money on any one thing, or cutesy boutiques full of tchotchkes that I love to look at but won’t take home. I’m not a big comfort eater, but every once in a while a dinner of guacamole, chips, and beer can feel very rejuvenating.
I was actually doing this with animals. It sounds rather horrible, but after working in several government departmental libraries and knowing there was no end in sight to the depressingly long, boring, drudgery filled days… I started buying things. It was a “Well this job makes me miserable, I may as well enjoy the money it gets me” and I just happened to really enjoy animals. For two years, every other month I would acquire another tarantula, purchase another snake, get another frog. And then I started being overwhelmed by their care needs in my tiny apartment, I was no happier than I had been before without them (as much as I love some of them) and I realized finally what I had been doing. I can happily say I have now not added a single creature to my zoo in over a year, and things are at a manageable level now.
I do admit that recently I’ve probably been buying more clothes than is financially prudent, but at least I have a good reason. Half my clothes are WAY too big after losing 25lbs since last summer, and I quite literally have nothing to wear! And I get to go through this allll over again once the cold weather hits T_T
Trantulas as treats! I’d rather be poked in the eye! (but each to their own, I guess..)
Sal, I love your blog ! I think this post spoke to me. You have a lot on your plate. I have noticed that some bloggers will take a week off to decompress. Can you do that and use the time you would have spent blogging maybe taking a nap? We will still be here!!
Sal, this was a great post. I treat myself a lot – but it’s usually food, and usually bad for me. I need to start treating myself with good-for-me food, or shoes or something. Or, maybe I just don’t need that many treats, LOL.
I don’t have a problem with time – I am a stay-at-home parent and most of my time is spent with my favourite wee person in the world, so I don’t feel like I lack time to do unstructured things. However, I will say that life feels more manageable since I gave up trying to squash in the massive amounts of cardio, thanks to a very smart former endurance athlete (www.marksdailyapple.com – search on “cardio”) who realized that subjecting your body to lengthy cardio sessions frequently is actually counterproductive. He calls it “chronic cardio”, and says that it causes massive inflammation throughout your body – which can contribute greatly to digestive difficulties and depression, incidentally. Plus, chronic cardio does nothing for your overall fitness that a combination of walking (or moderate cycling, or slow swimming, or any activity at 55-70% max HR), a few short weights sessions and once-weekly short sprints won’t do better. Walks are now my favourite part of my day – I take the dog for a long stroll, clear my mind, enjoy the local scenery. I do short weight sessions at the gym when I can, a couple times a week, and sprints once a week. It’s WAY less exercise than I used to do, but I’m fitter than I ever have been before (well, since I was like, 12). Anyway, my point is mostly that it might be an idea to look at all the stuff you do and ask if it’s really a net benefit in your life. Maybe there’s a way to do your work that’s both more effective and takes less time? Maybe there’s a way to run your blog that’s more efficient? Maybe there are ways to cook, clean, organize, that take less time but work better?
It also helps to know what you’re going to do with your time when you get it – sometimes I get unexpectedly handed a chunk of free time and I just end up doing housework or going for a walk, or reading, and then I feel like I “wasted” that time.
Did I write this post? No, it’s on Sally’s blog….
(Which is all to say I emphasize way, way, WAY too much with everything you’ve said here.)
I “reward” myself, but my poison of choice is books on Kindle. I can go a few days or weeks without buying then I fall into a black hole where I crave my reading on a constant basis. I do limit myself to one per day, but at what is often $6-7 per day, that adds up. However, I don’t buy expensive coffee, eat out once or twice a week, rarely drink and don’t really spend money on shoes or clothes. Since I spend all day, every day around kids, I’m not really sure how else to get the mental space I need other than diving into a book.
My other indulgence is fabric and patterns for sewing, but oddly enough, buying hobby supplies can be stressful too. I then feel obligated to use them ASAP and sometimes my schedule just doesn’t allow for that. Right now, I’ve accumulated enough “stash” that I’d rather use up what I have first. I always have time for reading so that’s my splurge.
What about the library? It may not have e-books, but it has books a plenty and they’re probably free, I’d guess? I read about 5 – 6 books a week but I get them from the library so they’re free. Also, our library system has recently made it free to request books from other libraries, so this has improved the selection a whole lot.
I always treat myself! I think women always forget about themselves tending to others! You are always helping others Sally, so I think you shouldn’t feel guilty when you do something nice! Cheers and enjoy your day
It’s a vicious cycle: you buy stuff as a treat, then you buy more stuff as a treat, then it’s like a drug; the more you do it, the less impact you get out of the same action. So you have to buy *more* stuff to feel like you’ve reached the same level of treat-ness. Eventually, it becomes almost as much drudgery as the things you were treating yourself for getting through!
I just read Peter Walsh’s danged good book _It’s All Too Much_, which is about decluttering your home and life. He suggests that buying things to treat ourselves *worsens* our mood and outlook – *if* we’re not following a “one in, one out” rule. People who live in clutter tend to experience higher rates of stress, anxiety, and depression.
If you can handle delayed gratification, make a game out of it. You mentioned having specific savings goals. How about, every time you consider an impulse purchase, you note how much it costs and immediately go either to the bank (if you’re out shopping) or the computer (if you’re ‘Net shopping) and transfer that amount from your checking account to your savings account. Keep a record. By the end of the year, you will have made a HUGE contribution to your savings, plus you’ll get the fun of *doing* something when that urge to treat yourself comes up, instead of just passing on the shoes and feeling deprived.
I’d like to echo Becky and say “woman, you need to schedule in some down time”. You know what the weekends are for? Not working, or at least not doing paid work. So make damn sure you aren’t doing paid work on at least one day of the weekend. I know this is difficult, but it show a lot of respect for yourself to do this, and this will carry over into better relationships, better mental and physical help and more productive work. Truly.
I for one would not be heartbroken if you didn’t blog on the weekend.
gift cards for time…what an amazing idea! sometimes even if i have 15 minutes to myself, i grab a cheesey magazine and sit on the patio….and i try not to feel guilty that i’m not doing something more productive! but i will be honest, shopping helps, too. i swear i didn’t steal your idea for my post today (if you happen to read it)….we must just be on the same wavelength today!
I realized recently that I was frequently rewarding myself with thrift shopping; I had a crappy day, I was tired after a long week, I needed a treat and would head to Goodwill. Thrifting isn’t so bad since I’m spending $4-$8 on a garment rather than $30-$40, but thrifting has somewhat encouraged me to pick things up that I’m even remotely interested in, which has led to a quick accumulation of more clothes than really fit in my space for them. When I realized this, I decided to go on a shopping ban for at least a month, or until my boyfriend and I have moved into a new place (which we have been planning to do for a little while)–I don’t need extra stuff to pack, and this way I can cull the stuff I don’t really like or use and get things back down to a reasonable level again.
I’m definitely pretty good at giving myself time, although sometimes I go overboard and don’t really get done the things I should around the house. I see things like you, Sally, saying you spend most of your time working or getting things done, and it makes me feel horribly inefficient, but sometimes I just can’t do it! But it’s a hard balance to strike between overindulging and wasting my free time, and overworking myself and feeling terrible.
Thanks for this post, Sally, it’s good food for thought.
This was a very long winter, Sal. I think we all needed a bit of Vitamin D to make us feel happier.
I do sometimes “treat” myself with clothing, but the biggest treat I give myself when I am worn down is to go to bed early. I’m a late night person, and often it’s 11pm before I even think about going to bed. I’m either working out late or sewing late into the evening hours with a 6:30am wake time. Lately I have been worn down, so my normal midnight bedtimes aren’t working out so well for me.
Working towards your financial goals is a really good thing. We have been working with a financial planner for probably 10 years now. Our retirement age definitely got set back a few years with the crash at the end of ’08, but we still have our eyes on the prize. Saving for retirement should be the #1 priority, and I don’t think many people look at it nearly as close at they need to these days. My hubby and I grew up poor and we are pretty cognizant of how our spending habits can work against our finances.
I’m always rationalizing my need to shop. And the “I deserve it” excuse definitely in the top 3 reasons why I buy something. “It’s on sale” is another biggie for me. I’m about to go on a shopping diet soon. I have to. We’re buckling down on our budget so I won’t be able to hide my spending from the hubs anymore :/
I treat myself by saying NO. I am a stay-home mom, which gives me plenty of opportunities to over-extend myself. I have learned how to say no. No, I can’t join that committee right now. No, I can’t chair that fundraiser. No, I can’t chaperone that field trip. I have learned my limits, and I stick to them. I volunteer for what I want to do, I don’t take on too many committments, I make sure I have time to do the things that bring me joy.
Oh yes. Boundaries and saying, “no” are both so important!
As always, I’m humbled and amazed by the outpouring of ideas, stories, and support. You are rock stars, every one of you.
Thanks for the encouragement to schedule/carve out some downtime for myself. I’m a confirmed introvert and DO make an effort to be alone and decompress regularly. I’ve got a lot to juggle, so it doesn’t always happen. But this weekend is completely plan-free and I intend to do some much-needed nothing!
Yes, I do treat myself with retail therapy sometimes.But I keep to my budget and I rarely over-indulge. And I have small closets.
Great article, Sal, and very thoughtful about your own journey.
Thanks for this blog post. I can really relate to it. Right now I’m not feeling much like buying things now that the weather is nicer and my schedule has slowed down a bit. I wouldn’t have seen that correlation.
If you are in need of some free time, couldn’t you arrange some for yourself? I bet if you dug up a few guest posters and reposted a few oldies but goodies you could get a week off from the blog. If you timed this with a week off from work, you could have a staycation!
Well anyways, at least give yourself a weekend like that.
Oh, I used to “treat myself” all the time, with shopping for clothes and shoes. I’d stop by at H&M or Zara after a tough day at work, and I’d go fleamarketing after an argument with my then-boyfriend, with every intention of buying something. I was unhappy both professionally and personally, and with time it almost came a habit that was actually hard to shake even when things got better in my life.
Because I’ve been stuck in the US immigration labyrinth for some time, it has afforded me the possibility to stay at home and work on my writing, which is something I have always wanted to do. The time I have had just for myself has completely opened my eyes about what is wrong with our society and the way it attaches our self worth to working, money and material things. I hope that once I return to “regular” work (that will be sooner rather than later), I’ll be able to stay off the bandwagon of spending in order to make myself feel better.
Btw, love the Fluevogs! (And yes, even after everything I just wrote, I am going to claim that there is nothing wrong with treating oneself every once in a while. As long as it doesn’t get you into trouble, and as long as you are not doing it to compensate for general emptiness and/or unhappiness in life.)
Not only can I relate, but I, too, ‘treated’ myself to two pair of Fluevog Guides. A miserable winter made for an expensive spring (sundresses and tank tops and sandals, oh my!). I have tried the ‘Buy Nothing’ strategy with clothes and shoes without much luck. I kept telling myself ‘this’ is the LAST THING I will buy. I’m also a sucker for a good deal on things I don’t really need.
After working on yearly non-permanent contacts, I finally landed a permanent one, and am relieved to have that security. The brown Guides were magic interview shoes, the blue ones for getting the job. And I’ve discovered the best way to curb spending: being away from home far the summer far away from malls and shops, no mail delivery, only a post office box in town and a huge garden to care for. I teach, so I’m off for the summer and hope that two months away will help get me out of the shopping-as-therapy mode. I love the HALT idea. Sometimes I feel like I shop because of all 4 of the reasons!
Thanks for sharing your struggles. It is reassuring and motivating to know many of us are in the same boat.
Sal, this post could not have come at a better time. I have been overworking and overshopping lately, and it needs to stop. Thanks for the wake up call.
I certainly fall prey to the “treat yourself” mentality, especially during periods of immense overwhelm (which, like you, feels like always). But with my therapist I realized this was actually contributing to a binge-restrict cycle that I’d set up with food: I was either “treating myself” (I didn’t shop; I’d lie on the couch and zone out with the TV for hours, which isn’t the worst thing in the world but didn’t actually help the situation) or would essentially restrict with the self-care (not exercising, not taking breaks, not cleaning my apartment, all because I was working myself to the bone).
Fairly recently I haven’t had much choice, because I realized how close to burnout I was getting, and honestly I just can’t afford that. I can’t afford to let my current goals go the way of burnout the way I repeatedly have in the past. So I haven’t had a choice: I’ve had to stop “treating myself” and start treating myself well, which is a world of difference.
hoo-boy. that’s me, for sure. I fell into that same pattern, and am finding that in the end the “treats” don’t help and sometimes make me feel worse. These days I’m trying to make my “treats” be more things that would truly nourish me. I work hard, so I treat myself to the ingredients to make a yummy, nutrious dinner or “treat” myself to an evening out with the girls, “treat” myself to leaving early one sunny afternoon, or after a long, hard week “treat” myself to turning off every dang electronic communication device for an entire unstructured Sunday with my sweetie. Alternatively, I try to have the “treats” be fun but inconsequential–a fun fashion magazine or a cheap pair of sunglasses. Not an ideal solution, but if I manage to combine the two strategies I am managing to keep to the long-term financial goals and take better care of myself.
Oh man, I used to be SO guilty of this! I didn’t run up tons of debt when I was working obscene amounts of OT at a stressful job that I utterly hated, but I definitely spent more than I needed to on things that were “wants.”
It was no big deal for a long time, but for me it did have a danger: When I had to take a big pay cut at Day Job after a couple rounds of layoffs, and suddenly had no budget for extras, I realized I no longer had any coping mechanisms! I was so used to dealing with my stress by buying something or eating out that the typical free suggestions for stress relief — exercise, calling a friend, a hot bath — didn’t help me at all. (Especially since I could no longer go buy expensive bath goodies or pay for the dance classes I really enjoyed.)
I wasn’t willing to run up my credit card balance to soothe myself, so I really had a hard time for months. I’ve gotten used to my new budget and the weather is definitely helping, but it was a really tough habit for me to change.
I never really thought about it as treating myself, but when I’m having difficult days (like today) I overindulge in diet soda (on my third today) and will probably have a glass of wine tonight. Or two. Sigh.
In the long run I know these aren’t good strategies but, as you’ve stated, I mostly just need more time. I’ve recently made the very difficult decision to drop my grad class I had scheduled for the fall. Even though I need to go to school for career advancement opportunities, I knew that my 3 biggest priorities (family, work, and fitness) were taking all of my time right now, so for school to work I would have to spend less time doing one of those three things. I really couldn’t compromise on the time that I’m already spending with family, work, and exercise. I already feel incredibly stretched thin. I’m trying really hard to say no when I’ve hit my max, and to schedule time off when I’m losing my cool.
I second (or third) many of the comments that have already been said here.
My biggest treatment for myself so far has been taking time off work (and I don’t mean couple of “sick days”) – with the ’08 crisis I needed a new job, luckily I have found the one very fast that went in line with my additional education courses which I had completed just before that, so professionally it was great, in terms of people/atmospere it was great but I had to agree to some 25% less in money and it made me miserable like you wouldn’t believe (actually it was a major eye-opener for me). I realized that if I continue like that, I would end up with a nervous breakdown, so I completed my year there (I was a temp)…and went for 2 months to Italy to study the language (prep time, etc, all in all I was off work for 7 months). A lot of people have asked me how I could afford it in such economy – well, having realized that I wanted to do something for ME, yes, to treat myself, and figuring out what exactly I wanted to do, I saved and saved and saved towards that goal (it wasn’t cheap, since I wanted to study and travel around, and not having any debts certainly helped). I came back and some time later went back to the job market since the savings were dwindling. I do miss that free time
(but it was sort of sweeter after the “hardships” I’ve had) and it was an invaluable experience worth every cent.
I am so guilty of this, and it’s a conscious effort to keep myself from buying meaningless things and clothes I never wear when I’m having a bad day. But I also remind myself about my big goals, and that if I spend my money on the little things, it’s going to take me a lot longer to buy the stuff that matters.
What I’ve started to do is put aside a HUGE percentage of my paycheque into my savings every month – leaving myself only money for groceries and a very small amount for luxuries. That way, if I want to buy something to ‘treat myself’, I have to dip into my savings. It’s really effective, psychologically and I find myself thinking, ‘No, I don’t want that dress/bag/necklace THAT much anyway’.
I’m having a rough week, and I just “treated” myself to Pete’s coffee on the way into work. We’re on a really strict budget these days – no non-thrift clothes shopping for me! Sometimes, it’s fine, but other times, the debt-repayment plan feels like a pretty hard slog and I slip off the wagon. The important thing, as with any diet, etc., is to dust yourself off and get back on the program, you know?
I agree, you need more down time. Work is great and all, but sometimes you have to step back a little and ask, “what is most important to me?”
Oh, you bet, Sal. I struggle with this, and most of the other women I know do, too.
As you and so many others have said, it’s really about (at least, for me) TIME. When I’m well-rested and not overwhelmed by commitments, I do that so much less often.
The biggest change I’ve made is recently taking a new job that’s considered full-time at 30 hours per week. Oh, what a difference it has made in my quality of life. I was willing to accept the less-exciting duties and the 30% pay cut that came with it–I now make less than I did my first year out of college–in order to gain the time to find the balance I so desperately needed. I’ve never been happier.
my family was always wound pretty tight with money, so usually my anxiety keeps me in check. Where I get into trouble is this time of year, when there are a LOT of nice, sensible, closed-toed shoes from last fall on mega-sale and I start thinking “$60 for a pair of Fryes? DO IT.”
I have several ways of slowing this process. One, no instant buys. I put things in shopping carts and mull at least a week. I talk it over with my husband and my friends, weigh good and bad. I will also look at my shoe collection and figure out, “okay, if this comes in, what goes out?” But I am reluctant right now to send anything out; as a consequence, there isn’t much coming in right now.
Two, sometimes my treat is that I allow myself to literally binge on blogs, look at nothing but beautiful things ALL NIGHT and even print out pictures of things to make/ideas to try out. Ditto Tastespotting and Epicurious; maybe I’ll make some special, extra-time-consuming meals the next week, and that will be my present to myself.
Three, I craft. I do some serious DIY. I sew clothes, make jewelry, and now I’m doing leatherwork. I just ordered a bunch of faux fur to DIY the colourblocked fox stoles from Prada 2011 and a cape lined in fox tails. This fills time I might be using for shopping with time I have to spend using up the materials I’ve purchased. Sure, it’s still spending money and it isn’t all bargain-basement prices, but it does seem to slow the flow of money out when you stretch that $30 fabric investment out over 20 hours of work, and then all the wearing you also get to enjoy. I think it’s a good tradeoff; I could spend a LOT more than $30 in 20 hours of concerted shopping time
. Plus, I’m doing a raw materials purge lately, too, trying to use everything up before I add to any kind of stash. It’s helpful, because it makes me realize how much I have, and how much I can do without spending a cent.
I do the same… go, go, go… And like you, I have a closet bursting at the seams (ok, not true but it’s so big, it would take a lot to burst, if it were regular size, it would be exploding…) and not enough time. I work each week for the weekend and then my weekend is so full of catch up activities, i’m still exhausted by Monday morning. I need more time or I need to reprioritize… hence I just quit one of my jobs… I’ll finish out the season because else the guilt would eat at me, and then hopefully manage my time better from there on in. I doubt it though. I think I just choose to live in stress… maybe just so I can ‘treat myself’.
Absolutely. Have just put the hot water on for a bath in the hope that will help destress. I’m trying to avoid the shopping as I can’t really afford it and don’t need the stuff.
I have a really hard time with that. It’s worse because it turns into “I will need that, really!” I’ve decided that while I’m shopping for summer clothes, to also plan my winter wardrobe. As I re arranged things I decided one drawer (yes one) will be my seasonal drawer. I filled it, and said that’s it. Anything else will come from holidays. I may still browse goodwill once or twice more, but I will be extremely critical of purchases. I manage to talk myself out of more than I talk myself into.
In lieu of shopping or food treats, I try to reward myself with “Me Time”. I go see a movie, or take time to read something that I love, or go swimming or to free art gallery visits, or play silly internet flashgames and watch youtube videos. The best thing I can give myself is personal time. It can be hard for someone who does work all the time, but I find the greatest reward is just time well spent doing things I love.
I’m learning that the sheer act of shopping increases my anxiety and worry because it becomes Things taking up Space, and isn’t always possible to keep organized. So I’m trying to employ more experience based treats than shopping ones. I’m not very good at this yet, and even just recently bought stuff. But I’m trying to change patterns and habits and that’s what counts.
I, too, fall prey to the “treat” mentality. This (unbelievably) long, cold, snowy winter seemed to exacerbate my tendencies to treat myself when I am tired (always), because I’m 31 & single (not sure what/why 31 was the “magic” age for my mental meltdown about this), because I’m a teacher in Wisconsin and was in the thick of a very depressing/disheartening political situation. But food treats would stress me out further, spending money on clothes or books or office supplies seemed precarious with the impending changes to my income, and I was still tired and single. My new “treats” -and I often have to force myself to indulge!- are to do one simple, summery activity every day when I come home from work or school. It is often to sit in a park with my shoes off and a good book, but it could be going to get a small ice cream cone at my local shop or going for a bike ride before dinner or taking a nap or lazing on a blanket in the shade or even taking a book and an iced tea and reading on my porch. I feel indulgent, but they are healthier treats- and are actually helping solve the root anxiety/stress/exhaustion as well.
Sal,
Sometimes I have a Triple D (delightful day of domesticity): puttering around the house, baking, reading, petting the kitty, drinking tea.
Today I had a traditional restorative day: yoga, seeing my dear therapist, and (always) drinking excellent tea and petting the kitty.
I am so glad I read your post–I do a LOT of reward eating and reward purchasing. I often get through things by saying: You have X if you do Y. It has been getting out of hand.
(Fleuvogs are an obsession of mine, too. I stockpile my favorites.)
Thanks for a great post, Sal.
I absolutely love the Triple D idea. Too often I’m puttering with a purpose, though. Have to bake banana bread for coworkers the next day, or brownies for my father-in-law’s birthday. Have to read this book for book club before the meeting tonight, etc. I think I’ll try a Triple D day just for me–I want the chocolate chip cookies, I want to read this other book, I will lay right next to the dog so she’s in arm’s reach.
Like Ashe, I empathized way too much with this post, particularly with the “always tired, no end in sight” feeling you described. Thanks for giving us such a thoughtful, honest post.
I guess I’ve been lucky in recognizing the fact that when I’m overwhelmed or tired, the best way to treat myself is with rest or experiential things instead of going shopping. Shopping is fun, but if I buy something on impulse and end up not using it, having useless stuff lying around just makes me more stressed and guilty. My treats for myself these days include:
-Sleeping in in the mornings when I’m tired and coming to work 30 min-1 hour late. I’m lucky to have an understanding manager and a job with flexible hours where I can make up missed time by staying later.
-Going out for dinner, brunch or salsa dancing with the boy.
-Staying at home and not talking to anyone. I read or watch trashy TV, do my nails, maybe a facial. I putter around and straighten things in my room. Sometimes I eat an ice cream bar on the couch and fall asleep afterward. Afternoons and days like these just rejuvenate me.
Good luck in finding a balance, Sal. Juggling multiple priorities is hard work, but it sounds like you’re well on your way to sorting it all out.
Currently, my fiance and I are in a situation where the money to keep the Internet on is our biggest splurge. We don’t get through a month without putting basic grocery items on a credit card. It’s tough, but after living this way for a couple of years now, I’ve really come to appreciate any treats or extras that come my way.
In the past, I loved to blow large portions of my paychecks on expensive makeup, shoes, clothes, dinners/drinks, and entertainment. It always felt like a reward for the long work hours and time away from doing the things I love. But now that our situation has shifted so radically, I’ve really come to appreciate the difference between what I want and what I need, even while pushing through a very stressful time in our personal/professional lives.
I had several mini “breakdowns” towards the beginning of this journey, when it became clear that there were no more dinners out or lovely new shoes in my somewhat distant future. I also grieved the loss of my fiance’s spare change–knowing that he would have to make do without so many things he enjoys. I felt like my happiness, his happiness and our relationship were all dependent on how much money we could throw around.
Over time, though, I have come to see that spending time together using our own, God-given tools for happiness-making, including talking, cooking and taking long walks, can be just as rewarding, if not more so, than going to a concert or having dinner out.
As for my own loss of spending money, I had the wonderfully freeing realization that my happiness is not tied up in what I own, how fancy my apartment is, or how many social events I can afford to participate in. The friends who abandoned us once we couldn’t join them for drinks anymore were not friends. The people who are unkind to me about the fact that I don’t wear the latest fashions are not worth my time.
Basically, a lack of treats or extras in my life has given me a lot of insight into my relationships with other people and with myself.
While it’s true that money can’t buy you more time, money CAN buy other peoples’ time! So instead of buying clothes or food, maybe consider hiring someone a couple times a month or even once a month to do your housecleaning. Or maybe your laundry. Or whatever household or work chore you detest and that takes your time.
“And I’m starting to cook up some non-food, non-shoe treats for the next time I get that sinking, overwhelmed, no-end-in-sight feeling.” What are they! Please share, I really need to find some ideas for self-nurture that don’t involve horrific food and shopping. Baths work really well for me, but we don’t have a bath. And it’s the middle of our cold miserable winter, so getting out in the fresh air is much less appealing than usual.
I have certainly suffered this cycle before. A few years ago I made big changes in my life to change my lack of time for myself. I earn very little money,and have cut back my lifestyle to accomodate the change in income. I have picnics, and go swimming in the lake sew etc. I have less money, but more time a LOT less stress and a lot more sanity.
For me the whole thing centered around the “deserve ” thing. I had to take that word out of the whole argument. Of course I deserve nice things. Every one deserves all kinds of things. But the question I needed to ask was was it making me happy. The answer was no.
The money spending was making me anxious, and too much stuff at home was creating anxiety at excess clutter. I realized what i loved about finding stuff was the joy of the hunt. The HA! i experienced when i found something for a few dollars in a charity store and saw how it worked with what i had seen in Vogue. It was my pride in my skill at getting the look just right. I don’t care if I wear it. I want to wave it and say loook! loook what I found! its fashionable! and its reused, you do not have to buy new stuff. So i started a little etsy store and I shop for that. It is more fun for me to do it for other people. I am still working on other ways to make some money that make me happy, but i love my life and my time heavy money light life style, but i do know it is not for every one.
So i guess for me the key was taking out the deserve issue. For me, it is just not the point.
Sal, this winter had quite the psychological effect on lots of people here in the Twin Cities. We had issues at work because of this. I am glad you pulled yourself out of it but just wanted you to know that you weren’t alone. The sunless spring did not help either.
It really was brutal, wasn’t it Mimi? I’ve spoken to lifelong MN residents who told me that this winter combined with this spring comprised the worst MN weather they’d ever endured. Ugh.
“We escape for an instant, on a cloud of delight, and then return to normalcy.”
Man, I needed to hear that! I’ve been dieting for almost two months now (with great progress) and MAN am I sick of counting every calorie and budgeting in every blueberry and cheese sample and bite of toast. I’ve been off the wagon for a few days now and though the treats have been tasty… they’re not helping me reach my long term goals. Hello, re-motivation!
Thanks for posting this, Sal. =]
This post aligns strangely with my most recent one, wherein I discuss shopping as an alternative mood-altering tool to blogging, sewing and knitting (given that I’m very tired and in adaptation mode with my new job). I do think that shopping, for any reason, has a slippery slope potentiality. Now that I shop so (relatively) infrequently, I notice this more…
Your post is timely for me, too, as I have been trying to figure out how I can treat myself when I find a rare window of free time on my hands. For me, it has been more shopping than eating, but my social time with girlfriends always revolves around eating or drinking (or both) so really I am facing the same issues you are. I have lately been using these windows to sit in the sun and read a bit, but there’s always that nagging feeling I should be accomplishing something. hmmm
Oh, yeah.
I really hear ya.
Eating and shopping, for me, were medicating something.
That was a failing marriage, plus a few other demons.
Preferred other activities are: spending time with my friends, boogeying to music, having a nap when I am tired, taking a warm shower or looking at something funny. It is different for everyone.
I have saved money and my waistline.
I’m trying to move from the “treat” mentality to a more budgeted approach to non-essential spending. A monthly budget limits my spending and causes me to have to prioritize, but also legitimizes what I do decide to purchase, so I can enjoy it without guilt. Paradoxically, the purchasing decision process can be enjoyable in itself: you have to think about what you would love most, relative to cost (and you do get to have something!) which feeds anticipation, and actually increases the amount of enjoyment the purchase can bring.
I agree with others, though — free time is the best stress-reliever! But relative to long term goals, it’s not always within reach in the short term.
I think as women we often reinforce our moods with treats whether they be food or objects and the problem is that the gratification is always short lived and more often than not with long term damages – financial or weight gain. The answer to your question is I try not too and I try and teach my daughters not too as well. Wonderful post, xv.
This was a great post! I definitely fall into the “I deserve a treat” purchasing mentality fairly often, for dinners out and food and clothing and books and accessories. It’s definitely a matter of scale, though: for me, it’s easy to fall on the side of feeling guilty about everything I purchase for myself.
The way I’ve tried to stay responsible on a small budget for self-indulgence is to try to tie “treats” to things I know I’ll need to buy anyway. This works especially well with toiletries: things like moisturizer, face wash, and hair gel get used up fairly frequently, so every once in a while I’ll do some research on the (cheap) products recommended for curly hair, or sensitive skin, or what have you, and I’ll get to try something new. This scratches my itch for buying new and shiny things pretty well, and it usually costs about what I would have had to spend anyway on replacing my old products.
I try to do the same thing with clothes, though that’s relatively new for me. I’m starting a new job in September, and I’ve tried to look at my wardrobe and ask what are the key pieces I need in order to be acceptably clothed for work. Now, if I see something on sale that fits one of the categories, I “indulge” by ordering or buying it. Then when it appears in the mail it’s like a surprise gift!
Finally, one of the things I’ve always purchased-then-regretted is paperback books. I love to read, but I read very quickly, so $7-9 for half a day’s entertainment and a paperback that will then clutter my bookshelves has never seemed like a good deal (worse when I’m in Canada, and it’s $11-$12). Recently I’ve finally gotten in the habit of putting books on reserve at my local library: it might take a few months to get a really popular title when there are 70 people ahead of you in line, but when I get the email telling me that a book is waiting at my local branch, it’s (again) like a surprise gift! Now I only purchase books from favourite authors, or that I know I’ll be re-reading several times.
I taught myself to treat myself with time… maybe two months ago? Before, it was definitely food & shopping. After gaining 30 lbs. and being unable to fit any of my previous purchases, it just kind of clicked. Instead of “I work really hard, I want shoes,” these days it’s “I work really hard. I want to watch 1.5 hours of Roseanne” or “I want to paint that wall I’ve been staring at for 11 hours per day.”
Really, really great job putting this phenomenon into words!! Perfectly eloquent, as usual.
I used to shop when I was feeling down. It wasn’t so much a treat, but like a lot of other people, I thought things would make me feel somewhow better. Then I took up sewing. I use that to curb depression and anxiety now.
Part of me hates the idea of “treating myself” because I think it perpetuates the entitlement culture. However, I do often find myself using that excuse to justify purchases. Most recently, I treated myself to some pricey yoga gear for sticking to my exercise regiment. For less significant achievements, I treat myself to lattes.
totally–I am ALWAYS treating myself. I’m a pessimist at heart–live sucks and then you die type stuff. So I get things–things really do make me happy–tis’ sad and all but true for me. If I were to list off all of the things to be unhappy about it would be a long post.
So I continue to buy…
I’m not broke, I don’t have credit cards–but really do I need 36 pairs of jeans or another pair of shoes?
I take a bath almost every night to treat myself. I get quiet time, I’ll read magazines or books, and it’s incredibly relaxing before bed.
And I try to remember that eating right and going to the gym for a workout is doing my body good, so that should be considered a treat. Sometimes hard to keep that perspective, but I try! It helps when I think that gym time is a time when nobody else is demanding anything of me–no bosses, no kids, no in-laws, etc. Just me and my incredibly bad pop music.
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