Reader K. dropped this question into an e-mail:
… as a young, single college student (think age 20), I find that a lot of the messages my age group receives to look normatively beautiful come from a societal pressure to attract the opposite sex. And while I consider myself pretty self-confident and happy with who I am, I think it’s a basic human instinct to want others to desire you. I know you and many other fashion bloggers are married, so you’re probably past the “lajasykj I need to find a boyfriend” stage. But was there ever a time in your life when you felt you had to dress for men? Like if you didn’t make an effort to look sexy/gorgeous/etc., you wouldn’t be able to fully experience your sexuality (or even be asked out on a date!)
Quick disclaimer: K’s question pertains to men, so for that reason and because I’m a heterosexual gal myself, my answer is pretty man-specific. But I’d love some input from those of you who are homosexual, especially about dressing politics and attracting partners. Please weigh in in the comments!
But first, here’s what I told K:
I have to say that I think you’ve got it way worse than me in the “get sexy now” department. I hit puberty during a very preppy, very covered-up time in young fashion, and hit high school during the heyday of grunge. Even the most sexually curious of my peer group would never have worn short shorts, low-cut tops, or heels to school. College offered a few more sartorial options, but I graduated in 1998, so everyone was still dressing pretty grunge/modest back then.
This is me just after college graduation in 1998
But even aside from all that, I’ve always been a bit weird about attracting guys, and my mentality about relationships isn’t aligned with the norm. There were times in middle and high school when I thought I would die a thousand deaths if some boy or other didn’t fall madly in love with me … but it never even occurred to me to try to change myself to attract them. Ever. Which could be attributed to density and social obliviousness, but that’s who I was. And when I turned 16, I found my first serious boyfriend and between then and getting married at 25, I think I was single for about nine months total. Which, honestly, mystified me. Especially early on. I was never as thin or well-dressed or perfectly-groomed as the traditionally pretty, popular girls, but guys liked me. I wasn’t beating them back with sticks or anything, but I had suitors and lovers and boyfriends. Constantly. Writing this out now, I realize how lucky I was never to feel lonely. Or like I should change to make myself more attractive to the opposite sex.
But that doesn’t help you one bit. My perception is that today, young women are encouraged, cajoled, and peer-pressured into learning about push-up bras, mascara, and stilettos so early in their lives that they don’t fully understand the implications of what they’re wearing and, therefore, broadcasting. Young women are expected to rack up sexual experiences before they’ve had any real sexual urges. Young women are forged at 11 and 12, when they should still be girls. And as they move through young adulthood, the pressures of fitting in can eclipse the desire to find a partner with whom they’re truly compatible. It’s kind of a mess, if you ask me.
And I’m going to just be the idealist, here, and tell you what I feel in my heart: A man who is worth your time will SEE you no matter what you’re wearing. A man who deserves your affection will RESPECT you no matter how you’re dressed. A man who will contribute to a worthwhile partnership will DESIRE you even if you’re wearing a turtleneck, muffler, over-sized cardigan, sweatpants, and Uggs.* I cannot in good faith encourage any woman to dress sexy, dress in revealing clothes, dress to show her figure for the express purpose of attracting dates, sexual partners, or boyfriends.
Are there men who expect or demand such behaviors from their potential partners? Yes. Does that mean you should give into those expectations and demands? No. If you dress for yourself without considering how alluring you may appear to men, does that mean you may have fewer suitors? Possibly. And this is the part where I delve into relationship advice, which makes me mildly uncomfortable: There are a million ways to attract partners – be they sexual-fun-only partners, or committed relationship partners – and flashing your thighs and cleavage are among the least creative.
Cultivate self-confidence: It’s the greatest aphrodisiac in the world, I swear. A woman who loves herself is infinitely more attractive than a woman who doubts herself.
Take initiative: Start conversations, ask questions, and yes, proffer dates. In my humble opinion, any man who wants a woman to “play hard to get” is a fool. Period. If you like a guy, approach him. You don’t have to be bolder than you feel comfortable being, but push yourself to break the ice.
Do what you love: Explore your hobbies and interests, try new clubs and activities, be passionate. Read in public so that guys who love the same authors can strike up conversations with you. Go to rock shows alone and talk with the other fans. Let the observing world know what you like, and potential partners who like those same things will start coming out of the woodwork.
Focus on what YOU want: At a certain point, you begin to think that anyone’s arms around you would be better than no one’s. But remember that you’ve got standards, that there are certain traits you’re seeking in a partner, that the right guy is worth the wait. This is you we’re talking about here, and you’re far too awesome to let just anyone into your bed.
Define your own brand of sexy: Sexy can be an exchange of glances, a smile, a laugh. It can be posture and body language and physical closeness without touching. You can broadcast your interest in another person without showing a single square inch of skin. You can let potential partners know you’re interested and available without dressing to reveal your body. Decide what kind of sexy you want to be.
And yes, I’m married. And yes, I’ve admitted to being single for a very small percentage of my adult life. And yes, my suggestions may make you want to throw up because they mirror the cheesy advice dished out by smug relationship gurus. But that’s what you get from a woman who has never had a one-night stand or casual sex, who believes that relationships built on mutual attraction and respect are more valuable than relationships built on game-playing and panicked lust, who sees dressing sexy to attract sex as lazy and dangerous and ill-advised. I believe in holding out, seeking genuine connection, sex as an extension of emotional intimacy. And I can’t help but want that for you, too.
* * * * *
How do you feel about dressing to attract partners? Are you comfortable doing it? Do you find alternate ways to broadcast interest and sexiness?
Image courtesy Nordstrom.
*See my comment below for some clarification.
{ 108 comments… read them below or add one }
This is very close to what I’m planning to write about for the big bad feminist Wednesday that’s coming up. No, I don’t feel like I should dress “to attract partners” when that tends to mean in our culture these days is a very stereotyped and sort of icky set of dress/behaviors. Even if I dressed and posed like the chicks in the Boston Proper catalog (daywear for aspiring porn stars? I love to mock BP…) I would not BE one of those people. And the man who picked me out based on my aspiring porn star costume would soon be disappointed when I went back to low heels and knee-length dresses, and not standing around with my butt poked out like I was ready to be bent over the kitchen counter at any moment.
The best period in my life, dating-wise, when I met the most people who actually seemed to like me for what I am, was in my mid- late- 20s and early 30s — when I was, by anyone’s standard, fat as hell and dressing in the grad student equivalent of potato sacks. I wasn’t beating them away with sticks (ha!) but there was always some nice, reasonably sane guy around who thought I was just fabulous.
Agreed on all of the above! I don’t think my husband liked the wardrobe I had at the time we started dating, but it didn’t deter him from asking me out.
Great response!
I love the picture of post college Sally! Such a cutie. I wore a similar outfit back then, too.
I also have never considered myself to be conventionally beautiful (or that my looks were an compelling part of myself). I had a boyfriends, but even in college, I felt like the awkward one. But after breaking up with a long time boyfriend around age 21, my girlfriends encouraged me to “dress a little cuter.” My style didn’t radically change, but I started having more fun with clothes. I don’t know if this made a difference, as my general casual style stayed the same, but I definitely projected more confidence by the time I go to grad school, which was this land of milk and honey, compared to college (in terms of quality, many not quantity, of awesome dudes).
Well, being around the age of K, I can tell i totally get her concern about dressing and partners. While i was a hard-core geek during high-school, i never had real boyfriends. I looked quite presentable, because my mom, who bought my outfits did an ok job, but i was always a little off, a little not like the others. Still man at parties ( and a random stranger on the bus ) would give me some attention, i was kinda lonely and not really happy about it. In college, i found myself attending a male-predominated field, alone, and no mum to shop for me. Let’s just say my first year i looked a little dorky and not in the chic ironic way. Still I met my boyfriend, who was smart and cute and incredibly caring person. I pursued him (yes, i said it) , and we are together now. But, in the meantime i started to explore my personal style, to do some sport( biking) and general be more open to people. And the amount of male attention exponentially grew. The new acquaintances, got the benefit of doubt, but I never fully trusted/respected those who only listened to what I said after I got more conventionally polished in aspect. As Sally points out, a little modesty can go a long way in filtering the quality of man around you. Or at least their intentions. Sorry for the long rant:)
I must agree that self-confidence is sexy. Just over a year ago – as a 20yo college student – I decided that I was better than semi-relationships and hook ups, so I put myself on an indefinite man hiatus! I started working on myself. As luck would have it, about 3 months after I made this decision I met an amazing man who asked me out even though I was in my sweatpants, no makeup, and dirty hair (he rode along with a friend who was dropping something off to me).
I couldn’t agree more with the advice that self-confidence is sexy, if I plastered it on billboards across the country! Honestly, all the times I have been hit on, asked out, told I’m attractive by others are the times that I’m not nessecarily the pinnacle of what is considered conventionally sexy–but I am feeling darn good about myself. That shows through what you look like on the outside: it makes everyone around you aware that you’re totally cool with who you are and your own brand of sexiness. When I was single that meant dressing in an “artsy” manner in looser clothes and quirky accessories, and cultivating my own personality. It wasn’t about the clothes when people found me attractive: usually the first thing they commented on was how confident I was or my laugh. Those were my “attraction calling cards”–not stilettos or red lipstick. Being yourself is far more powerful and attractive to most people (and I mean the sort that are worth having a relationship with and aren’t just out looking for a quick hookup after the club Saturday night), than any sort of “magic fashion formula”. Certainly, it never hurts to put a little effort into one’s appearance (in my book this shows you actually care about and respect yourself), but frankly, dressing to “attract a guy” is a bit overrated.
I feel like I’ve rambled, but hopefully I make sense!
♥ Casey
I really loved this article! I am older than K, 24, but I definitely feel pressure to look a certain way when I go to bars and parties if I want to get guys to notice me. I also feel like if I go out and I do not get any male attention that I have done something wrong, in terms of my appearance. Now I am working on my self-confidence and I know that plays a huge role when it come to attracting others, but at this time in my life, I am looking to find someone to get serious with. Sometimes I will even avoid going out if I feel like I do not look attractive.
My dating history has been very different than yours Sal, I have only had 3 serious boyfriends, 1 in high school and 2 in college, and I have done very little casual dating. I’m envious of girls that always have a man in their life, it seems like they have something or are doing something that I am not.
Anywho, fab article and very helpful! I can’t wait to see what others think!
Great post, Sally! The only thing I have to add is that if you want to dress to attract someone who will be interested in you, then dress for yourself. Perhaps this is just a very short-form way of saying what Sal just said, just in case you need a little koan to take with you.
Wonderful perfect advice! (I would only add get a really flattering hairstyle.) Dressing for men is an oxymoron. Women in high heels and excessive eyeliner are dressing for other women! Men (as I know them) appreciate me for the combination of personality, intellect, and possibly my flattering clothing, if I choose to wear it, nice hair, minimal makeup? Hopefully in that order, because that’s what I expect from them. Boys who only like me for my boobs don’t really get the time of day.
Beautiful piece of work Sally!
For me, I think the No 1 rule for dressing to attract partners would be to maintain good hygiene…other than that,anything goes.
And yes, a little modesty goes a long way!
I just wanted to echo the idea of doing what you love and eventually you will find someone who you are compatible with. I think, in the long run, it is much more beneficial to attract someone you have a lot in common with and share interests with than to try to luck up on someone who will make a good partner based on physical attraction.
I am about your age, Sally, but had a vastly different dating experience. I have only ever dated 3 men seriously, and didn’t have my first really boyfriend until I was almost 18. I had a lot of alone time between them too, to the point where I basically gave up meeting someone and resigned myself to being single and went out and bought a cockatoo (which would live for 70+ years) to keep me company for the duration. About 3 months after that I started dating my husband and we’ve been together now for almost 15 years.
How I met him, and my previous boyfriends, was on Telnet BBS (how one did social networking on the web before there was the World Wide Web). I was a star on the BBSes and it was easy for me to be confident and attractive because it was all about my personality, not my looks. I wasn’t hideous, but I was overweight and compared to my thin, skinny friends, I could never compete with them to catch a guy’s eye. But I was geeky and smart so I went where the geeky and smart guys were. That ended up meaning that I had to really get to know a guy before we ever decided to meet in person, or even see a picture of each other (which, in the day, meant a photo by snail mail if it was going to happen before meeting). Personally, i think that is the best way to meet someone because it totally removes the physical appearance pressures and automatically means that the both of you can carry on an interesting conversation, but I am biased!
I know my experience isn’t typical, but I just put it out there as an example of finding a partner without dressing up for it. I know many many of my peers who married with hardly anything in common with their spouses and are now miserable or divorced, but me and hubby still enjoy being with each other, can have a decent conversation, and are still best friends after all this time.
Good luck to you, K! I wouldn’t want to be a 20-something in this day and age. But I think that your generation has seen enough divorced parents that it looks at matters of the heart and relationships in the long run a bit differently. I hope you will find a great partner for the long run who you can be happy with. It is cheesy, I know, but focus on what you love and love will find you.
I have to second the confidence aspect. I had a boyfriend in high school, and not again until grad school. I dated very very little in between – but not because I didn’t want someone. I DID. I tried so hard to attract boys because I wanted a boyfriend. I tried dressing “cute” and losing weight to be more attractive. Nothing kills confidence more than wanting a boyfriend and trying to find someone and failing miserably.
It wasn’t until several years ago when I was old enough to say “whatever. this is who I am and I’ll dress the way I like.” I finally had somehow -in the midst of my mid-20′s- manage to get some confidence. I re-started dating a guy again and things were 180 degrees different..several years later and we’re headed towards marriage. I think SO much of this is the confidence I had started to develop. For me confidence really makes a world of difference. I don’t even know where it came from. I think it came from age. It came from getting past that pesky time in life that’s right up there in discomfort and awkwardness with adolescence – early 20′s.
I graduated from college the same year as Sal, and I’d never before put the styles of my early adulthood into perspective. Of course I didn’t know how to dress: grunge does not require a lot of fashion savvy.
See also: graduate school while having babies and wrangling them as toddlers.
I’m only now, mid-thirties, really getting a style down and feeling basically happy and comfortable with how I look and dress. It has certainly changed the way men respond to me, but I wasn’t ever particularly short on partners. If anything, I suspect that there’s some quality/quantity tradeoffs – if you don’t go out of your way to dress in flattering/stylish clothes, you likely won’t attract men who are mostly interested in your appearance.
Fabulous post, and spot-on. When I was in college, I actually tried to eschew all sexy materialism. Instead, I didn’t shave, wear deodorant, or dress in feminine clothes of any sort. I never had so many suitors as I did at that point in my life (I picked my hubby out of that groups of guys). I think it was my confidence that attracted the guys… and in turn, the not-shaving hippy stuff kept away any superficial guys who I wouldn’t have wanted to date, anyway.
Agreed on most of your points, as always
Slightly disagree with two though, although I think you probably didn’t mean it the way it can be perceived.
“A man who is worth your time will SEE you no matter what you’re wearing.” – Slightly disagree. In an ideal world, he obviously would. And if you are standing right face-to-face with him, yes. But not out of a crowd or something. And that goes both for men and women – to attract attention, you gotta have something that draws attention. It absolutely does not have to be something “sexy” (or even something clothes-related, actually) though.
“A man who deserves your affection will RESPECT you no matter how you’re dressed.”
- DEFINITELY AGREE. Clothes don’t have to do anything with respect. Respect should be a core value of humanity, everytime, everywhere.
“A man who will contribute to a worthwhile partnership will DESIRE you even if you’re wearing a turtleneck, muffler, over-sized cardigan, sweatpants, and Uggs.”
- Slightly disagree. He will certainly still love you in less-than-stellar attire if he is worth your while. But desire? Hm. I think desire is not something one runs around with day in and day out, but rather flares up on special occasions – the frequency of which is highly individual. But to ping a human’s interest (be that men or women) something needs to be new, exciting, special… I know for a fact this can be dressing down when all you ever do otherwise is dressing up up up… But for most of us, it’s dressing up once in a while. I think it would create false expectations if you expected your partner to *desire* yourself no matter what you look like at any given time. But as I said, I don’t think Sal meant it that way
To conclude: I absolutely agree that teens and twens have it harder these days in terms of fashion choices. Grunge was prevalent in my teens, too, and while I certainly did not dress “hip” it influenced my choices and I stayed more covered up than I would today, I guess.
Funny thing: My brother once told me in elementary school all his girl classmates would look like prostitutes (he went to elementary school in the early 2000s). And he was right! YUCK!
Relatable Style
agree with you!
Agree!
Without tooting my own horn, I think I contribute to a very worthwhile partnership but, honestly, I’d be disappointed if my husband wore the guy equivalent of Uggs, baggy sweatpants, and oversized t-shirts on a regular basis (he feels the same way about what I wear- we’ve promised each other that our closets will forever be Sweatpant-Free Zones). Some people are more visually stimulated than others and not taking that into account or considering it to be unimportant can lead to resentment on both sides of a relationship.
For the single girl who wrote in, I feel for you. I started dating when grunge was in fashion, not Jersey Shore. To really make it easier, maybe try Match.com or eHarmony or something similar? Good luck!
Wow. I think my husband is cute when he’s in his fuzzy, warm, just-around-the-house outfit. It’s true that he doesn’t wear it all the time. I also enjoy seeing him dressed up in olive-colored pants, a nice shirt, and a tie, but I like the particular casual, just-at-home look I described above. Very approachable, cute, and snuggly.
Although I graduated high school in 1980, and college in 1984 my experience is like Sally’s- I dressed for comfort first and didn’t follow trends or try to be sexy and always had a boyfriend, sometimes two at the same time.
It was being myself that attracted the opposite sex. I was into music, was a radio and party dj in college and dressed for fun and always in high top sneakers or flat boots. I rarely wore make-up except for black smudges around the eye like early Chrissie Hynde and that was only for special occasions. I wore jeans and sweatshirts and a beatup leather jacket on most days with some vintage 50s and 60s
dresses( with flat boots or sneakers) for concerts and dj jobs.
I think being yourself attracts partners. Being comfortable with yourself attracts partners. I met my husband on my first day at work at my first lawyer job. I had a boxy blue suit and sensible pumps-which killed my feet because they had a 2 inch heel and I usually wore sneakers. My husband noticed me when I slipped off my shoes to rub my feet-for him it was love at first sight. He pursued me even though I had a boyfriend and 4 years after we met, we got engaged.
Young men may read smutty magazines and lust after pictures of supermodels, but in the end they want someone that that is friendly and approachable. There is nothing approachable about 4 inch platform shoes.
I guess I’m different, because I didn’t get along with most people in high school and college. Frankly, I didn’t WANT any old Joe to ask me on a date, so my goal with clothes was to communicate my own brand of weird, so that a similarly odd boy would be able to spot me if he happened by. It worked out so far, as I’m currently engaged.
My advice would be to think of your ideal mate… the kind of things you’d do, the places you’d go, the music you’d listen to… and dress to reflect those interests that you have. Not only is this more true to you as a person, but it will attract better-quality matches who are interested in your personality AND figure… not just your potential as a sex partner.
I am 29 and newly single after dating the last fellow for 3.5 years. So I’ve started casually dating again. I haven’t really changed the way I dress, even when I go out with girlfriends on what we jokingly refer to as “A Manhunt.” Sure, I could dress sexier and show some more leg and cleavage but ultimately, that isn’t going to attract the sort of man I want to be dating. I dress the way I dress and attracting a man has never been a problem, even though I dress pretty modestly. I would say your advice is spot-on (in my experience) Sal. Dress how you feel comfortable and confident, and the right guys will follow.
Oh, just wanted to mention that my fiance would NOT have gone out with me if I’d been covered in makeup with my boobs hanging out. I.e. overt sexuality is NOT universally attractive.
I am in a similar situation to K, but coming at it from a different angle (I actually thought about writing in with this same question!). I’m 29 and divorced–a strange place to be on the dating scheme! I’m starting to hit the age where, if people haven’t been married or in some other serious, committed relationship of some sort, there’s a reason, but I’m also young enough to get strange looks when I say I’m divorced. I’ve even had men tell me up front that they wouldn’t date me because of it, without bothering to find out any details surrounding the circumstances.
I am also on the opposite side of your experience, Sal–I have been single most of my adult life: a boyfriend here and there (none in high school, a couple in college, and a now-ex-husband). I’ve frequently been the pursuer, and almost never pursued, though I have had lots of platonic male friends.
Right now, my current approach to dressing to attract a mate is to dress like the type of person I want to date. For instance, I’m trying to upgrade my closet from “grad school slob”–college tees, jeans, and sneakers–to “single girl with a paycheck”. To me, this means pushing my jeans to the weekend and wearing more blouses, skirts, and dresses during the week (a challenge, because my job lets me wear jeans all week!). As this applies to “dressing sexy”, I think that walking around looking like the cast of Jersey Shore will attract the kind of person who thinks that my body is the most important thing. That’s not the kind of person I want in the long run.
I remember those days back in Uni when I longed for male attention. At that time i dressed for it – nothing trashy, but i remember thinking about what men thought of me all the time. Now, 10 years later, blissfully single, on the cusp of my 30th birthday i’ve finally found my groove, styles that suit me, i get complements from everyone and i’m only dressing for me. Lately, when i run into others from high school and Uni I notice when they peaked in life. for some, it was high school, others peaked in Uni. I get a little giddy about this. i know i haven’t peaked yet. Life keeps getting better, I’m confident my style will evolve as i do and continue to enhance…Moi.
As an ancient married lady (with a 16 year old son who goes to a school with something of a modest dress code which all the girls strive to circumvent), I can say that when thinking of what my boyfriends and lovers have said over the years, they were attracted to either some immutable trait (“I remember seeing your gorgeous eyes and wanted to get to know you”) or something energetic (“I saw how you were packing those boxes/reshelving those books/diggging that ditch”) or something I said (“I knew you were smart when you answered that question in Torts”). Many of them knew me or saw me for long periods of time before dating so certainly were not judging me on the basis of one outfit. If they were gathered together today, if they could remember anything about anything I ever wore, would likely brand my style “quirky” and I think that would have been a fair description of my personality during long parts of my life before this marriage. Attraction is mercurial and despite what my son’s female classmates appear to believe or have been persuaded by media to believe, it doesn’t equate to amount of flesh exposed.
Couldn’t agree more. Besides, men notice weird things, not always what you would expect. I was a fashion disaster when I met my husband, but he’s always told me he fell in love with my smile because it was genuine. So there you go. Certainly, there are men who are only on the prowl for something sexy, but I think we underestimate the ability of a decent man to look with insight. There are men who ALSO want a relationship with compatibility and loyalty and affection, and they are the ones who will notice your self-confidence, your smile, your crazy personality, whatever. Not the length of your skirt.
I remember, oh four or five years after I’d started dating my husband, him telling me that my early efforts at getting his attention, while appreciated, were WAY over the top and he’d mostly wondered exactly how cold I was getting.
So. The above advice, yes… and decide what you want to say with your clothes, other than “I want a boyfriend”.
Through history, women of marriageable age would wear things that were a bit brighter/lighter and a bit more fitted through the waist than married women. This certainly doesn’t mean the bandage dress above – it could mean a fitted jade green dress.
In fact, immodesty is largely only going to net you the short-term kind of guys. Fine if that’s what you want, but know it up front.
As someone who dresses femininely at all times, I will tell you that men respond VERY POSITIVELY to modesty and skirts.
Hope some of that helps.
Well, after reading all of these responses, I’m a little surprised to be somewhat of a dissenting voice. While I whole-heartedly agree that cultivating confidence is the sexiest thing you can do, and that in doing so, you need to find your own style, I do not agree that you are entitled to be able to wear UGGs and baggy clothes everywhere just because it’s comfortable. Yes, there are over-sexed images surrounding us all the time, and girls are being forced to grow up at an astoundingly fast pace. Being sexy does NOT mean bearing cleavage and 5″ heels, but it does mean caring about your appearance, wearing clothes that flatter what you’ve got, and portraying a sense of self-pride. Looking your BEST in the clothes you wear makes you feel better about yourself, just as strengthening your mind or your body would. But make it YOUR style!
Hmm. Perhaps more context is necessary here. Since this entire blog is about the value of defining and honing personal style as a means of self-expression and cultivation of self-love, I assumed it would be clear that I wasn’t advocating constant wearing of sweatsuits and slippers. I don’t consider that to be a wise tactic whether a woman is hoping to attract a mate or not.
By saying that a worthwhile partner will still desire you if you’re clad in your scrubs, I mean that dressing up, dressing pretty, dressing to impress AT ALL TIMES may backfire. That someone who sees you for YOU won’t get cranky when you need a comfy, casual day. I think that the “best behavior” trap – where we act and dress differently from our everyday selves to impress potential mates – can spill over into personal style quite easily. Better to show your true colors, from perfectly-primped to sweats-and-Uggs, and be honest about your whole self. Partners with staying power will accept and love you just as you are.
I dress in a way that makes me feel good (pulled together classic with a twist). My husband complains routinely that I don’t dress very sexy. Okay, that’s not what I was going for, so he’s right! However, he wishes I would “sex it up” a bit more when we go out for fun with other couples. I don’t because I think I’d feel completely silly, although I do dress “nicely” and think I look good. But attracting my husband? He likes me nekkid best of all.
Agree! My husband finds me most sexy when I’m naked, but no, I don’t advocate walking around naked.
Okay, as a 28-year-old single girl, I think you’re very right and it can actually be rather frustrating at times! I know it’s crazy but there will be nights when I’m out and I will be dressed up in a pretty flirty dress that does wonders for my figure and no guy looks twice at me. And then there are nights were I haven’t done my hair, I’m wearing basic make-up, my outfit consists of jeans and a long sleeve shirt and the boys come a-running! I know that there are other factors at play but on the surface, it’s actually kind of annoying.
This is such a great post. I have always had a rather unique way of dressing. I admit that in high school some of the fashion choices I made were a bit over the top, but by the time I was in my 20s I’d actually cultivated a rather nice personal style that reflected my uniqueness without screaming it.
Around that time I was having trouble attracting guys and had a good friend, honestly and from the bottom of her hear without any malice whatsoever, counsel me to tone down the way I dress because it was “too different” and that coupled with my vibrant personality was scaring guys off. Because I was so lonely I put serious thought into changing my image, but decided if a guy didn’t like me for me then he wasn’t worth it.
People, I am so glad I didn’t change. I am now with a wonderful man who loves the way I dress. I think I’ve gotten even more creative with my wardrobe because I know I’m not putting on a show to attract a partner, and my boyfriend will be proud to be with me no matter what I’m dressed like. Had I changed my style, which is honestly a hobby, a creative outlet and a part of expressing my personality, I don’t think I’d be happier. I definitely don’t think it would have helped me attract a truly compatible partner.
That being said, I think it is important not to let your clothes do ALL of the talking for you. If you are dressing a certain way to deliberately attract a “certain type” of person then you might want to reevaluate yourself. I had to realize I wasn’t trying to attract some king of sterotypical generic guy who would respond to my fashion choices as such, but a guy who would genuinely be into me as a person. If you are dressing to attract a certain type that you perceive to be desirable then you may want to think more about dressing to please yourself, not others.
Though I’ve got a boyfriend now, I’m 23 and just graduated from college, so I feel where K’s coming from. Here are the two big fashion tips I’ve found useful for making people notice me:
-Wear color, especially red (if it flatters you / you like the color). The eye is drawn to vivid colors and you’re more likely to stand out if you’re wearing one (or two, or three…) I’ve read studies saying that red attracts male attention more than any other color, and while I don’t know if that’s totally true, I find it hard to not feel sexy when I’m wearing red. And as all the comments above note, feeling sexy usually translates into looking sexy.
-Wear clothes you are comfortable in and can move in. Uncomfortable and constricting clothing will make you fidget and mess with your clothes all day, which I think acts against the aura of confidence and happiness within your skin that you should try to project. (This also includes wearing seasonally appropriate clothing, even when going out! I live in a college town and routinely see women out barhopping in minidresses even in freezing weather.)
BRAVO! I love the advice Sally gave as well as most of the comments. My own experiences are quite similar. I’m in my mid 20s and have not had any dating issues at all. The funniest thing is that I actually dress *down* between relationships. I cannot honestly say that I’ve ever attracted a male because of the way I dress. One admission: I study and work in a highly technical, male-dominated field. I can honestly say that the men in my life seem to be less shallow that *some* of the men my girl friends have encountered. On the other hand, doesn’t this show that there are many good single men out there? Perhaps they just don’t hang out at the latest, slickest club.
At risk of sounding like a stuck record, I’ll say it again: confidence and personality attract men of a higher caliber, and women should dress to please themselves and also to present an image congruent with the type of men they want to attract. Though I’m still young and who knows what the future might hold, I honestly believe that.
I actually think Sal’s usual advice about wearing figure-flattering clothing & learning to play up your best features fits here better — at least for the specific ‘what to wear to attract a partner’ question. The original emailer did say she already felt self-confident & happy with who she was, so she doesn’t necessarily need that reminder.
But Sal has written lots of great, practical tips on dressing to highlight your best features, which could have been summarized, for example. Or how go show off your figure without showing skin (I can swear she’s mentioned that a few times). Nice idea with this post, just saying I don’t feel it really addressed the question it opened with.
SO interesting! Some of K’s background and context has been left out for privacy reasons, but I did actually send this text to her almost verbatim, and she said it was just what she needed to hear. Maybe I should’ve found a way to work more of her story into the intro …
Also I view wearing figure-flattering clothing as something that women should do for themselves, as a means of understanding and celebrating their bodies, to learn about clothing and how it interacts with their unique figures. Advising women to wear figure-flattering clothing specifically to attract mates pings my patriarchy-o-meter. I realize that modern standards of figure flattery are and always have been defined by the patriarchy, but telling women that wearing only clothing that highlights their best physical features is a good way to attract a man? Not wholly comfortable doing that.
Just thinking that all your past advice about wearing figure flattering clothing seems to come from celebrating a woman’s physical self as an expression of inner self – so why not be proud of that & show this when trying to attract a partner?
When a person (of any gender) is out dating, they have to rely on first impressions before approaching a potential partner. Fashion plays a huge part in how you are perceived. Combine flattering visual appeal with confidence, & personality, then a potential partner has a good chance of making the initial connection. This, in itself is not due to patriarchy, it’s bec humans are visual creatures & looks will always play a key role in attraction for both genders & all orientations.
The only way to attract the right partner for you is to be 100% yourself, whatever that means. Relationships require compromise, but not a compromise of what makes you who you are. If you’re a Birkenstocks and jeans girl, heels and mini skirts are going to make you uncomfortable and give others a false impression of your personality. And vice versa!
My best advice: if the implied dress code at a bar, club, party, etc. seems to be trashy/”look at me”, don’t dress that way only because you think it’s the only way to have an equal shot at male attention. FWIW by trashy I mean clothes that threaten wardrobe malfunction with every move, and are designed 100% for eye candy and 0% for comfort, class, or individuality.
If you are one of hundreds of girls in a spandex micro-mini and 5″ stilettos you risk looking like part of a bizarre army, or a beauty pageant where everyone has to wear costumes from the same collection. You are basically entering your self into competition with all the other girls in the ‘uniform.’ When women are dressed that homogeneous the things that set them apart are physical characteristics – who is taller, shorter, leaner, rounder. I really think this encourages men to discern differences in women based on these factors, because most guys don’t know the difference between the silver minidress Girl A is wearing and the gunmetal halter dress Girl B is wearing. So it’s going to be “the leggy blonde” vs. “the busty brunette.” I hope that makes sense…when a club is a sea of cleavage and legs the result is guys rank women on who has the “best” cleavage and “best” legs. That’s a competition you really don’t want to enter into.
I was never attracted to social environments where it was a contest for who could look the “hottest.” And as I’ve gotten older and see single friends meeting jerks at these places I’ve realized that meat market clubs can really be a toxic place for self esteem.
“If you are one of hundreds of girls in a spandex micro-mini and 5″ stilettos you risk looking like part of a bizarre army…”
Sad in a way, but your phrasing made me lol. And it is SO true. How is it sexy if we all look like Robert Palmer’s (remember him?) back-up band in “Addicted to Love”? Right. All of us looking the same is sexy only if women are less than human: merely sex objects. And only if men all want the same, exact thing, which dehumanizes them, as well.
I have *so* seen that – groups of five teenage girls all in faded very short jean shorts (sometimes rolled up to show about as much skin as a modest swim suit!), loose tank tops and their long hair in messy buns on top of their heads. Their legs are amazing (most of them) but I’m really iffy about that much flesh away from the beach or pool.
Then again, I was that girl! I spent my teen and early 20′s wearing very low cut tops and tight trousers (not skirts, ‘cos even then I had chubby knees). I had to get more modest as a high school teacher ‘cos you *really* don’t want 15 year old boys leering at your chest while you’re teaching! What I need to remember as a potentially judgmental 30 something, is that when I was dressing like that, I genuiely didn’t realise how it would be perceived. I just dressed how I felt good. These girls in their tiny clothes are probably doing the same.
Also (sorry to go on…) I agree that it’s 90% about projecting an attitude of openess and interest. I had a friend who was gay but firmly closetted. For years a group of us went out to clubs etc. and she would NEVER have a guy approach her because she projected such a closed off attitude and body language.
That said, I still remember the way all the guys’ jaws dropped when a friend of mine casually adjusted her lace-topped stay up stockings. There is a place for a touch of sexy whether it’s a low cut back, a dangly earring, a subtle perfume or whatever…
Thank you for this, I totally needed it today. You are the best.
I was just talking about this with my younger sister who is single. I have three pieces of advice:
If you aren’t getting attention from men, I wouldn’t start by changing your looks. Start with your attitude. Confidence, happiness, passion and positivity will go the furthest with men. So if you don’t have those in good measure (of course you can’t always be those things!), work on that first.
Look how you like! It is easy to get the idea that men want a certain look or all attracted to the same things. They don’t. Some men like fussy made up looks, some like causal. Some men appreciate skin, others want you to be more modest. If you find you like a man who seems to be drawn to women who don’t look like you, you might have to pursue that guy first. Do not make major changes that will make you uncomfortable to try to catch his eye. It probably won’t work. I was not my husband’s “type” but after I made it clear that I was interested, he seriously considered me. Obviously his “type” changed.
Don’t forget about biology. Sexiness is at least some part biological. Men show preferences for waists and hips (.7 hip to waist ratio is generally preferred as a signifier of good health). So if you’ve got hips (or a bust!), don’t try to downplay them! Wearing well fitting clothes that outline your figure (whatever your shape) will be more attractive than clothes that are too tight or too loose. You don’t have to dress like you are going clubbing of course. Ask some trusted friends if you have struck the balance.
This is really interesting. I appreciate the comments here but I feel like the part where you mention that you are filtering your ideas through a world view which “sees dressing sexy to attract sex as lazy and dangerous and ill-advised” is worth questioning a little. Or at least it has prompted me to want to provide another perspective.
I’m 26 and so I’ve lived through a highschool/university experience in this age of sex everywhere. And I too think it’s problematic and messes with our heads and provides unrealistic standards of what is attractive or desirable. It’s important to be reflective and make choices that feel good, not just look good. That being said, being sexy and willfully attracting guys with what you wear and maybe even having sex with them isn’t a separate world from the world of commitment and monogamy. Both of my serious longterm relationships began out of hook ups and went on to be really healthy committed relationships (one of which I am still a part of). It was fun to play and dress up and meet guys and maybe make out with them later and sometimes that turned into a real connection and a daytime, sweats and uggs kind of relationship.
Of course, there are a lot of caveats. I think you need to be careful and be aware of your own judgment (or lack thereof). I think you need to be able to see this as fun and part of your youth, not as a one way ticket to marriage, or you’re just going to be disappointed. I think you need to know what is reasonable for you and what isn’t, what you can handle and what you can’t. If you’re just a take me out on a coffee date first kind of girl, there’s nothing wrong with that and you shouldn’t make yourself into a one night stand champion because you think it’s the thing to do.
I just feel like there’s also a risk in being too Victorian about our options here. The most important thing is just to make sure that your choices feel good for you. And if part of what you want to do is dress up and go out and make out with guys and see if you like them later, then that is a reasonable thing to do and something that can lead to more. Of course, it totally might not and if it makes you feel shitty and you find yourself always choosing guys where it will never be more, then stop doing it. But it can be fun. And it is an option, especially when you’re young and not taking every minute so seriously.
Amen Sal!
As an old married woman (40) with male friends I’ve known for decades, my experience is that if you want to dress to attract a partner, dress in a way that makes you feel good emotionally and that you find physically comfortable. What healthy/dateable men (and women, too, from what I know about myself) find sexy is someone who’s physically comfortable/confident in their body and their mind, open to people and things, and *interested* in something.
In terms of clothing, that means outfits you like, that you aren’t fidgeting with, and that you feel like you look good in. Some women feel like they look good in fairly sexy outfits – if that’s you, that’s cool, but you’d better look comfortable and self-respecting in that outfit, not nervous or desperate or pathetic or chilly. You can attract male attention in an outfit you’re not really owning, but they’ll be guys who *want* a girl who doesn’t respect herself. I’m guessing you probably don’t want to date one of them.
Your clothing can broadcast what you *like* (vintage? sports? geek culture?) but your body language, facial expressions, and behavior broadcast *who you are.* The right men for you will be attracted to both, but the “who you are” part is the most important.
My husband has told me that the biggest turnoff in women’s appearance (besides poor hygeine, which I’m guessing is not an issue for most women) is for a woman to look uncomfortable in her clothes – too tight, restricted movement. If you’re going on a date and you want him to know you’re thinking non-platonic thoughts about him, it won’t hurt to wear something reasonably fitted or that shows off your best body part, whatever that might be (shoulders, nape of neck, or knees are sexy too, not just waists and cleavage!). But other than that, the same rules apply that would apply were there no attractive guy in the picture – wear something flattering that you like.
I’ve always believed that sexy is a feeling, not a way of dressing. I used to feel sexy in sartorial choices I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole nowadays. If I feel sexy (and I can be completely covered… sometimes, I feel sexy in flannel), I am sexy. And sexy begets sexy, so if I feel sexy, other people will feel my sexy, also.
Great advice, Sal.
I’m another old and married, but I think that male nature hasn’t changed that much. My husband has told me several things about clothing and attraction. When we first started dating, I wore a lot of loose smock type tops and other clothes that hid my figure. I had just lost a lot of weight, but still saw fat when Iooked in the mirror, so I wore clothing to hide it. Obviously, the fact that we were even dating attested to the fact that he didn’t place a high priority on dressing sexy. But once we got more serious, he broached the topic and told me I had a great figure and that I should dress in a way that flatters it. He loves it if I dress sexy for date night, but has even encouraged me to replace my baggy clothes with work-appropriate, figure flattering clothing. Before being fat I used to love clothing, so it’s been fun to rekindle that together. (He likes to go shopping with me).
As for dressing in a way to flaunt your body–he told me that when he sees women like that, he thinks they are projecting that they are looking for a male counterpart who is also “ripped” and Ken-doll (whether “hipster” Ken or preppy Ken is irrelevant). So in his dating days, he never approached such women, being far from that “ideal” and uninterested in women who are just looking for arm candy. Anyway, we’re wildly compatible and I think the first thing he complimented me on, appearance wise, were my eyes.
I second (or third or twenty at this point) everything you wrote, Sal. I, too, hit high school in grunge’s heyday and rocked my flannel shirts, boots, and ratty jeans.
I would add that if dressing a certain way makes YOU feel confident, desirable, and sensual–instead of making you feel like you’re adhering to the generally accepted, predetermined formula for sexy dressing, then go for it. There’s nothing wrong with feeling confident, desirable, and sensual, if you’re comfortable with it. But you can get that feeling without dressing in 4-inch platform stilettos and a tight, short tube dress. I can’t imagine feeling LESS sexy than I would feel wearing those items. I feel much sexier wearing my normal, everyday clothes than I would wearing something that just doesn’t reflect my taste and the image I prefer to project.
Honestly, the kind of men who are attracted by sexy dressing aren’t really the kind of guys you’d want to spend much time with anyway. Why waste your time and energy on these dudes?
As always, such a fabulous array of opinions and perspectives.
Seems like many of you feel that dressing in overtly sexy styles isn’t always effective or beneficial in attracting a mate. Loving the counterpoints, too, in terms of balancing flattery, embracing sexuality and expressions thereof, and the importance of both comfort and confidence.
To answer the actual question rather than getting on my feminist soap box (which I can also do) …
I’ve always had a lot of male attention.
I have never dressed in an overtly “sexy” way, though I do dress in a feminine way, because those are the styles I like. I like skirts. I like pretty shoes. I’m not dressing this way for men. To echo what someone said above, I’m probably dressing this way for women if I’m dressing for anyone else’s opinion at all. But I think I’m mainly dressing for myself. I may wear certain items more than others because my husband has complimented me in them, but I wouldn’t have worn them in the first place if I hadn’t liked them myself.
I am not conventionally beautiful. I’m ‘cute’ on a good day. I’m somewhat overweight currently, but have attracted male attention at every weight.
I think clothing plays a part in this, but not because my clothing is revealing or tight – it would be because I appear well groomed. Being well put-together and well-groomed also gives me confidence, and as others have said, confidence is sexy.
The sexiness of liking yourself also needs to be extended to liking others. I like just about everyone I meet, at least initially, and that includes men. I like men. It’s OK to like men, and that doesn’t make you a bad feminist. As it happens, I’m not looking for a man, as I’m married, but to the extent I get flirted with etc, I think it’s because I take a genuine interest in what the other party has to say.
This reminds me of a TV show I saw years ago, which tried to determine whether men were more attracted to women with large breasts. They put a hidden camera in a bar and sent two pretty young women in, and sure enough, the woman with bigger breasts received much more male attention.
What they never mentioned in the comments was that the woman with larger breasts was wearing a bright red dress, makeup, had her hair off her face in a flattering style, and had a big smile on her face while she laughed and flirted with the men around her. Meanwhile, the woman with smaller breasts was wearing a turtleneck and baggy gray sweater, had her hair covering part of her face, and was hunched over, quiet, and shy. It seemed clear to me that it was a full package of dress, personality and attitude that influenced which girl got the attention.
I think that everyone should dress in a way that makes them comfortable and happy. But if you feel like you are getting no attention or the wrong kind of attention, you may want to get some feedback about how your clothes and manner are perceived by other people. The wardrobe that seems simple and practical to you may be seen as drab by others, or your shyness may be perceived as aloofness.
If you don’t want to change, get yourself into situations where you will be judged more by your words or actions than by your appearance. Not everyone has the kind of looks and personality that comes across well at bars or in large groups — some people need a different kind of setting to shine.
Thank you for the trip down memory lane! I, too, got off so easy wearing my dad’s flannels and wool sweaters during the grunge era. Even then, feeling attractive had nothing to do with clothes and everything to do with confidence. That said, it’s all about looking and feeling YOUR best – whether that’s a dress or your favorite jeans and t-shirt. As long as you put effort into your health and well-being, the flattering outfits will follow—and you’ll attract someone who thinks your gorgeous no matter what you’re wearing.
Excellent post and fabulous responses!
For myself, I’ve never really lacked male attention when I wanted it, but then I was a late bloomer and didn’t really feel the need for it nearly as much as my peers. Still, three boyfriends and one serious heartbreak later, I’m very happily married, and you know what? Not one of them found me interesting because of what I was wearing at the time. All the guys I dated and the one I married liked me for my mind, my personality, and my self-confidence. My husband may like it when I wear a short skirt (the glasses he sees my overweight body through are rosier than I think it warrants), but I guarantee that above all else he thinks my smile is sexy and my happiness is *hot*. My legs don’t mean a thing if I’m not happy.
I don’t need clothes to get or keep a partner. I have *me*, and that’s all any woman needs.
I agree so much with what everyone has said so far, so I won’t overlap. But I do want to add more of a minor comment, which won’t be relevant to all readers: I’m in Minneapolis (went to school in Wisconsin), and it’s cold here for a large part of the year. On a Saturday night, girls in tiny skirts with bare arms, teetering on the ice in heels look stupid. In my experience, no matter how great these girls looked inside the bar, guys will mock them/think they’re silly once they get outside. Chivalry may not be dead, but who wants to give up his coat to a lady when it’s -3F?
This is such an interesting conversation to read! I was exposed at an early-ish age to Spider Robinson’s Callahans novels, in which curvy women are repeatedly described as desirable and the protagonist falls in love with two women who he describes as overweight by any standard. Another character, attracted to one of the same women, explains that he is attracted to overweight women but almost never approaches/pursues them because most of the overweight women he meets hate themselves so much that it turns him off. There are a lot of problems with Robinson’s books, but “confidence = attractiveness” was such a powerful message for me to read, as a fat girl in my late teens, and it’s stuck with me ever since.
The sexiness of liking yourself also needs to be extended to liking others. I like just about everyone I meet, at least initially, and that includes men. I like men. It’s OK to like men, and that doesn’t make you a bad feminist. As it happens, I’m not looking for a man, as I’m married, but to the extent I get flirted with etc, I think it’s because I take a genuine interest in what the other party has to say.
Yes. This very much describes my interaction with most men (I’m not married, but am on an extended no-romance break while I figure some other things out). There’s one thing I’d add to this conversation, from my experience in the field of being Just Friends:
It’s certainly true that dressing sexy isn’t necessarily the way to attract partners (or not the partners you’d want, anyways). However, I’ve found that it’s depressingly easy to dress in a way that says “I want to be unattractive to potential partners”. Not just “I don’t care about what I wear”, but “I actively want potential partners to overlook me” or “I am actively trying to be unsexy”. If that’s a message you want to send, great, no problem. If it’s not, though, you may want to reconsider. It’s possible to send the same message with body language, too; sending mixed signals is unlikely to yield any of your desired results.
Here’s the thing. There’s the way things are and the way we think things should be. It’s a researched fact that the majority of men determine sexual attraction through visual stimuli. So whatever you look like is going to have an impact. That doesn’t mean you should dress in a revealing or provocative way. It just means that you need to at least consider whether you dress as you’d like to be seen. Of course, visual stimuli aren’t the only factors. All kinds of other things play a role. I advocate only for clear perspective:).
Any other lesbians/bi ladies in these comments? Anyone?
I have to run out the door to work, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to have a proper conversation here, but I’d very much like to talk abut the way queer ladies are “supposed” to dress to attract other ladies. I don’t think I’m either butch or femme; I like dresses and skirts and a bit of jewelry and makeup. I don’t have the time or energy to be incredibly femme and I would actively hate being butch. I’ve worn my hair short for the last six months and I’m not even sure I like that; I think I’m going to grow it out again. A friend who is also gay told me last week that the reason I don’t get dates is because I look like a straight girl. She’s probably right, but I am /deeply/ uncomfortable with the idea of having to wear some kind of lesbian “uniform” to get dates when dressing that way would actually make me feel incredibly unsexy. Just barely uncomfortable enough that it outweighs my desire to ever get a date.
On a more personal note: I’m 23 and have never been in a relationship or an anything. I don’t think I know anyone who had their first relationship at my age or older, so at this point I don’t often believe any more that– in terms of appearance or behavior– there’s anything I can change about myself to attract a partner, besides changes so drastic that I am deeply uncomfortable with them. So my current plan is just to kind of go on being myself, working on liking myself better, and hoping blindly that someone finds me interesting– which is maybe the healthiest strategy, but it doesn’t seem like a very effective one.
Cyndi, I’m glad you commented! I’m hoping to get lesbian, bi, trans perspectives, too, if possible … anyone feel comfortable chiming in?
Cyndi,
I am a lesbian who in no way looks like one. I have long, flowing hair, wear skirts/dresses 90% of the time, and love to look feminine. I used to not be like this at all, because I thought that lesbians weren’t “supposed to” look traditionally feminine, and that it was somehow anti-feminist of me to care about how I looked.
The more lesbians/bi-sexual women I met, the more I realized that the come in all shapes and styles, and that there is no one set way for a lesbian to look. (3 years later, now living in the lesbian mecca of San Francisco, I can assure you that lesbian/bi-sexual women can vary in every imaginable way, from butch/femme to completely in between).
I started to embrace my artsy, femme side and dressed accordingly in what I felt made me look my best. Sure, when other lady-loving-ladies look at me they don’t see “lesbian” – but they do see a woman who feels good in what she’s wearing and is confident and self-assured. I think that ultimately, women are attracted to someone who exudes being comfortable with themselves. Personally, I started to get a lot more attention from other lesbians (both as a friend/sexual interest) when I changed my style.
Although I personally have no desire to look “butch” or have short hair, I happen to be attracted to women who look that way. One of the things that attracted me to my girlfriend (who I have been with for over two years) was her confidence in pulling of this style. She has short hair, wears button-downs with ties, and pulls it off because this is what makes her feel good. Likewise, she is physically attracted to me because I take pride in how I present myself.
I feel like I’m rambling, but ultimately I wanted to say, I think you should stay on the track of embracing how you want to look and present yourself to the world, and go with it, full force. It is not easy, but it is rewarding. Looking back now, I know that if I had decided to comply with what I thought were “lesbian norms” I would not be happy, nor do I think I would be in a sound relationship. I’ve come to realize that working on myself is a lifelong task, and not an easy one, but is totally worth it.
hi Cyndi! i’m bi, but i live in the SF Bay Area so i don’t think it’s the ‘average’ gay scene as elsewhere….around here any gays/bi/etc. people who dress according to certain ‘codes’ do so mostly to broadcast certain fetishes/relationship preferences. so people interested in that dress according to code, but everyone else just dresses how they want for whatever reason.
not to pry, but are you out in your community? can you get together with other lesbians at bars, cafes, political groups, ads, etc.? no one ever said i looked queer but i’ve been pursued by ladies anyways. all the gay people i know/am related to (myself included) say that there’s no such thing as ‘gaydar’, so it could be that you need to just meet more lady friendly ladies, or be more ‘out’ in your social circles. from my experience changing your dress won’t make a huge difference, but your friends are more familiar with that’s up where you live. but if it makes you super-uncomfortable, i doubt that method would help you attract anyone
i think your ‘strategy’ sounds great except for one part – put yourself in situations where you’ll meet some ladies and where you’ll show yourself to your best advantage. This means doing something you love insanely! my husband and i met volunteering at Lindsay Wildlife Museum, and i know of at least six marriages that resulted during the time we spent there (a lady couple had met there, too – before our time, they were still volunteering there).
Everybody was working with these incredible wild animals, having the fantasy time of their lives, learning about and handling hawks, owls, coyotes, etc. We all had to wear khakis and denim shirts (wow, flattering!) so everyone looked drab as hell – except everyone was so happy and engaged and doing something they absolutely believed in! Which gave everyone a certain ‘glow’. That was eleven years ago…still happy. Go out there and live your fantasy! When you’re so happy you don’t care whether you’re single or not is, a lot of times, when lightning strikes……and if it doesn’t, why wait to have a life? good luck! steph
I am . . . in an open closet, I guess people call it? I will freely admit to being queer when it’s relevant, but because I don’t date it rarely is. I have tried my school’s LGBTQ group but the conversation there always seemed to be based on a certain expectation of common life experiences I didn’t have, and ultimately it only made me feel even more like I Wasn’t Doing Lesbianism Right. I do keep an eye out for venues besides bars that will tend to be lesbian-heavy, I guess.
I honestly don’t feel as though I’m putting my life on hold until someone loves me, or anything; I love what I’m learning in school very much, and I love my job, and I volunteer with my city’s roller derby league and am thinking of spending some time for an animal rescue as well. But that doesn’t mean that my lack of a love life doesn’t pain me.
But thank you for taking the time to answer! You make a lot of sense.
Hi Cyndi! lack of a partner can be very painful (i didn’t marry until i was 37, so spent many single years) – on the other hand, take a look around at the people you know in completely miserable relationships! but you said: “I honestly don’t feel as though I’m putting my life on hold until someone loves me, or anything;…” & to me that’s the main thing. then, whether or not the ‘right one’ comes along, you won’t regret how you lived your life. and don’t give up hope – people meet up in the most unlikely places and ways, gays included!
“I will freely admit to being queer when it’s relevant, but because I don’t date it rarely is.” hmm. i wonder if you made it relevant more often, you’d date more? just a thought
have a great monday, and thank you for your sweet response!!! steph
I’m not lesbian/bi myself, but my sister is bi and has mentioned a similar problem. She’s dated mostly men and says a lot of queer girls are skeptical even after she tells them she’s bi because she doesn’t look it. A femme lesbian friend of hers mentioned that when she’s trying to determine someone’s sexual orientation, she normally looks at their hair and shoes, and that my sister has straight-girl hair. I personally would also be annoyed at the idea of wearing a “look” that didn’t feel like me just to advertise my sexuality, and my sister decided it wasn’t worth it for her, but I suppose that’s an option.
hee hee Kyla- my various het male friends will be thrilled to know that the ‘sensible shoes’ ‘tell’ made it onto this thread!
i do have to say that imo geographical/cultural/academic/professional/economic factors make much much more of a difference in how people dress than gender pref.
my stepmom went to Nebraska with my dad years ago to visit my bro, and they had a chuckle at all the ‘Nebraska lesbians’. These were just middle aged, kinda overweight working/middle class ladies who were wearing sensible shoes, baggy jeans, comfy sweatshirts over button down shirts, easy care haircuts, no makeup or jewelry and glasses. in the SF Bay Area (where dad and stepmom and i all live), this is a classic lesbian look. but of course in Nebraska these ladies were just dressing in a practical manner for the culture, climate, their work lives, etc. we seriously doubt that any of them were broadcasting lesbianism by their manner of dress (partly by discussing this with the locals), but plunk any one of them down in Berkeley, and the message changes completely! so….as always, dress is complicated.
steph
You’re definitely not alone – so much of your comment struck a chord with me. I’m 21, gay, and haven’t been in any relationships either. I haven’t yet felt the need to seek out a partner, but if I did I probably wouldn’t know where to begin. Like you, I’m very uncomfortable with the idea of having to look a certain way to attract other women. I identify as femme, and it has as much to do with my personality and demeanour as my clothes. A close friend once told me that I come across as “extremely feminine”, even though she’s used to seeing me in jeans and baggy sweaters with short hair and no makeup. I probably do scan as straight to a lot of people, which is partly why I haven’t yet come out to some of my closest friends and family members… I’m afraid some of them wouldn’t even believe me.
What you said here – “…just to kind of go on being myself, working on liking myself better, and hoping blindly that someone finds me interesting” – pretty much describes my approach too. Maybe I’m naive, but I don’t believe that if you haven’t been in a relationship by 23 your time is up – and that goes double if you’re a lesbian or gay person living in a predominantly straight world. I hope you keep on being yourself and liking yourself better, because I’m guessing that in the long run that can only be a positive thing, even if it doesn’t seem to be helping you right now.
Hi Cyndi,
As a fellow straight looking queer lady, I can get all in a tizzy when fellow queers make assumptions about my sexuality that is based on how I dress, wear my hair, makeup, etc… especially in queer spaces. I remember going to a particular lesbian bar when I was first coming out and hearing “do they know they’re in a gay bar?” being whispered by the group of ladies next to me. Infuriating! Needless to say, I’m not a huge fan of that bar.
The truth is… gay/bi/queer women come in all shapes, sizes, styles, ages, religons, cultures, ethnicities, gender identities, political affiliations, socioeconomic status, etc. We have a freaking rainbow flag for a reason… and I believe embracing people for WHO THEY ARE should be the most important thing. And femmes or straight looking gay girls or whatever we wanna call ourselves are a big part of the LGBT community, no matter what others say. In fact went to a fabulous conference for femme women last Summer! Holy crap… that was so awesome! The first and only time everyone in a crowd assumed I was gay.
Now… getting back to the point. When I was first coming out I had a hard time “attracting” other women to me… mostly at queer clubs/events/etc. I felt invisible! Frustrated, I talked about this with some fellow femme-y friends and learned that the chicks I was attracted to (butchy/boyish/tomboy/masculine) were not necessarily going to approach me like guys would, supposedly because they didn’t want to mistakenly hit on a straight girl. Their advice was to be more forward and approach women I was attracted to isntead of waiting around for them to read my eye contact/smile/energy from afar.
As scary as it was to put myself out there… I embraced their advice and from then on started conversations with chicks I thought were cute or asked friends of friends I felt a connection with to hang out. It wasn’t about changing my appearance to fit some stereotype… it was about embracing myself, realizing someone would be lucky to get to date me (I faked this mentality until it stuck), and going after what I wanted.
Now I’m engaged to a woman I picked up at a bar who mistakenly assumed I was straight, until I set HER straight
Our engagement story is on my blog if you’re interested! She’s gorgeously boyish and I’m happily femme, and we love and appreciate those things about each other!
In summary – just be who you are, and maybe take a more active approach in getting what you want. Scary to do… but that’s what worked for me!
In solidarity,
Chelsea
@cyndi… I’m a 24 year old straight girl who has never been in a relationship, so don’t feel bad! For me, it was because of religious reasons when I was younger, and now because I feel completely clueless about the whole dating thing
Thanks for this post, Sal. It was funny for me to read you say that you felt growing up like you would DIE without someone to love you and you therefore always had a guy. I felt the same way for a long time, but at 21, I’ve still never had a guy. It’s only recently that I’ve stopped caring about being single, and incidentally, it’s only recently that I’ve really started to figure out how to love myself and be confident. Not seeing any returns on the man front, but I’ve definitely given up on finding a boyfriend in college.
I have a good friend who, like you Sal, goes from one serious relationship to another almost immediately and is NEVER single, and she has pretty low self confidence. In my opinion it’s much more important to love yourself than to have men worshiping you wherever you go.
One thing I have to say, though, is that I find myself defending my choices to wear makeup and cute clothes and shoes and shave my legs etc. everyday. It’s like women can’t understand why I would do that, when in fact, it’s just because I enjoy making myself feel pretty. I don’t feel superficial because I know that I’m doing it just for me.
Yoiks, no, I wasn’t saying that I was desperate for male attention and that’s why I had many suitors. I said that there were some guys that I pined and pined for, and got all sorts of heartbroken over in unrequited ways, but that I never sought to change myself to GET them. The men who became my lovers were the ones who accepted me, unchanged.
Loved your response but there are 2 things that resonated with me:
1. I too was in high school/college during the grunge years and wore oversized sweaters and flannel not to hide myself, but b/c that was cool. I never really thought about how lucky I was to not have a ton of pressure to dress in a more revealing manner during those sensitive years. Maybe that’s why I’m still fairly modest when it comes to baring skin.
2. I really think you hit the nail on the head when you said people should show their interests so they can attract like-minded people. In my 20′s I hid the interests that I thought would make me appear geeky (a love for sci-fi and vampire novels and a complete disinterest in athletics). In my 30′s I freely show my interests and even have a poster in my office displaying my interests… I work at a college and I find it fun to see the wide selection of students that share my interest and who find it cool that I like the same things. I think I really missed out on a significant dating pool that would have been pumped to have a girlfriend who shared their interests…. I’m really glad I have a wonderful partner who loves me for who I am even though I wasn’t too keen on showing him who I was right away…
I seem to find myself in a distinct minority here. Yes, I was an impressionable young woman in these hyper-sexualized times. Yes, my intention was to be noticed by my good-looking male peers and have some fun. And yes, I did dress in a sexualized way and achieved what I was looking for, and I don’t regret a single second of it nor feel the need to apologize.
Now, I’ve always felt my most confident and attractive when I’m dressed to impress. I have the physical attributes to pull off such a look. I was interested in appealing to the kind of men who are attracted to women who dress in a sexy way. Simply put, Abercrombie & Fitch models are looking for beautiful women. (Though when you get one, don’t let him talk unless you’re really interested in protein powder.)
The way I dressed and presented myself did attract some losers (aforementioned A&F model included, though he was a mighty fine kisser). It also attracted some really great guys who met my criteria of smart, funny, and handsome. I married the smartest, funniest, and most handsome one, and he loves me when I’m slummin’ it but he really loves it when I make every man in the room hate him.
My tips: emphasize your boobs OR your butt and leave the rest to his imagination (I have personally found butt men to be of a higher caliber); wear heels; wear your hair straight but with some volume; do a heavier eye and light lip – but don’t look like you’re wearing a lot of makeup; smile a lot; don’t wear a lot of jewelry; be immaculately groomed. Most importantly, project enough confidence to own the place.
Am I buying into the patriarchy? Yes, but I have two “but”s to that: first, the men of my acqaintance are working just as hard on their appearance in order to attract women; and second, when these men come they still have to meet my standards before anything happens and be subject to my subversive wit and feminist politics.
I am even less qualified to give relationship advice as I married my high school sweetheart, but… I find that if you feel good in what you’re wearing, you’re automatically more attractive. And most of those sexed-up young women? Look really uncomfortable.
I’ll die if my daughter wants to dress that way…
Don’t die, Amber! I’m sure it wouldn’t be that bad!
Timely for me, I just used this quote on my blog.
Beauty isn’t worth thinking about; what’s important is your mind. You don’t want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor
Wonderful post, wonderful comments all. I have only two things to contribute:
1. I’ve noticed that I attract the most male attention when I am feeling most self-confident, regardless of clothing, or when wearing red! — preferably combined with the aforementioned self-confidence
2. Taking off from Sal’s remarks about the pressures on teenage girls these days to be sexy: I think the saddest aspect of this phenomenon is the number of girls who are having breast implants while still quite young, even when they are under the age of consent. Which means their mothers have to give consent; what are these supposedly adult and responsible women thinking?
In college (’02 grad) I went through a phase of dressing “sexy” at parties, bars, and clubs, but I think it was more for myself, to show I could do that like all the other girls in heels and slinky tops. I also learned I wasn’t going to be able to compete in that realm as an averagely-cute girl with a small chest and a disinterest in frat guy types. I stopped going to bars and clubs since I didn’t really enjoy it, and stuck to socializing at friends’ parties in my usual clothes and minimal makeup.
Clothing aside, I found my romantic success from getting over rejection and learning to approach guys I actually liked, and that fairly quickly found me a sweet, cute geek (now my husband) who turned out to be a much better match for me than anyone who would’ve been attracted to me initially only by my appearance. My approach ended up being somewhere between submissive coyness and blatant “hey, let’s f***”, showing the playful, friendly, and fun side of myself and seeing what happened. Knowing myself, anyone who dated me was going to end up spending a lot more time with my personality (playful, friendly, fun, and everything else) than my makeup or heels, so they’d better like that the most!
I’m 22 now and haven’t ever been in a relationship, or really even attracted males or females (I’m bi). I’ve never been one to dress for outsiders; how I’ve dressed was to stay warm and protect myself from the sun in summer, as I’m photosensitive. And I’m sorry if this rambles a bit, I’m on cold medicines right now
I’ve never dressed for others because I’m the one who has to live here. No matter what I’m always the one who has to live in here. If I’m uncomfortable then it’s not worth it. What I’m trying to say here is that even though I haven’t attracted anybody over the years it’s not going to make me dress for other people’s attentions as it’s just not worth it. I’m the only one in this life that I have to live with for my entire life.
My one thing I’d say is look at yourself and ask if you’re dressing to be invisible. That’s what I’ve done over the years. I make sure that when people look at me they look around me because most of my clothes were very…regular. You don’t have to add things that make you uncomfortable; just look to find things that you have an interest in to add to your wardrobe. Add a bright(er) color to your clothes, wear belts, play with lengths in your clothing, or do what I did and start a collection of jewelry. I love rings and am pretty much constantly searching out fun, cheap rings.
I forgot to say that biological averages in attraction are not the end-all be-all of attraction. We prioritize what we find most attractive most of the time. I highly dislike it when people say “well, do this list of things that are deemed as attractive and you will find a mate” because it’s that kind of thoughts that lead to certain behaviors in women, such as wearing corsets and binding feet. It just chucks all the women who will never be able to meet those standards off to the wayside with no second thought.
I would like to add that although I’m happy for the women replying for whom “being yourself” and being confident resulted in loads of male attention, there’s no magic way to attract men. Some of us are blessed with personalities that naturally attract partners, and some of us have personalities that are a bit more of an aquired taste, and that’s ok, too. I spent a lot of my youth being frustrated because although I’m fairly pretty, the “real me” didn’t match the cheerful, outgoing personalities of women who maybe were less conventionally attractive but were always the center of male attention. Occasionally I’d pretend to have that personality, and men would respond, but that’s hard to do in the long term.
I guess what I’m saying is that K. should be herself, not because it’ll get men, because it really might not, but because in the end you can’t really be someone else, and you’ll probably do better with quality over quantity. There might only be a few guys for whom you are the paragon of sexy, but if you’re interested in monogamy, you really only need the one. In the mean time, try and get comfortable with being alone sometimes.
I agree that being yourself and having confidence does not always result in quality male attention. I have never been anyone other than myself and have been informed many times that I am so confident and so self-possessed that it scares the menfolk off. The same people assure me that there is nothing arrogant or b-i-t-c-h-y about my abundance of poise; apparently I am just kind of scary. Of course I tell myself I do not want the ones who are afraid of me, but still, it seems that in modern American culture there is a limit on how much a woman can be herself. As a 32-year old perpetually single woman I sometimes wonder I could find someone if I were less myself.
“As a 32-year old perpetually single woman I sometimes wonder I could find someone if I were less myself.” Ooh, that’s a painful statement! As another confident, poised woman of similar age, I feel your pain, but in my case, it’s female friends, not boyfriends. I have found that I’m not that good at being open and vulnerable with friends. I’m working on sharing a bit of my soft underbelly with friends and that seems to be helping. Still a work in progress tho. Good luck!
Thank you for that comment. I am in the similar predicament myself. If I were given a dollar for each time I’ve been told some variation of “From the confident look of you, you must’ve been in a committed relationship, (so I didn’t want to pursue you)” or “You’re too smart” (eh?), and then shocked “No, I can’t believe that such a pretty girl is single”, I’d be a very rich girl indeed. Don’t take me wrong, I do believe in being true to yourself, in being confident, etc, etc, but…yes, sometimes it’s not enough. (But then again, our culture is different from American in this sense)
As a mom to two young men, one a 25 year old male in a committed relationship and the other a 20 year male who has just begun to date , as well as the gathering spot for their friends when home, perhaps I can add another perspective.
My guys and their friends like young women who dress as if they are comfortable with themselves and aren’t trying too hard. Spike heels (unless a serious dress up event) and clothes that uncover everything are not really appealing to them. They like to look, but that’s about as far as it goes.
The men I know (I’m in my mid 20s) don’t want a women who dresses provocatively. They want someone stylish and put together. Dressing too sexy can actually turn the good men off…you’ll only get the dogs a lot of the time >_<. I've never gone out of my way to dress sexy and I've never had an issue attracting men. Confidence severely out ways your clothes.
I was wearing jeans two sizes too large for me and large and XL t-shirts in an attempt to hide my chest when I met my husband. We were just friends for a while…
We still laugh about the time we were hanging out one summer and he recommended that perhaps shaving my toes would get me more dates.
Great advice. I’m substantially older than you (59), but like you, I was never single. Always had a boyfriend and always dressed modestly. We ALL want to be attractive, but what does that entail?
`young women are encouraged, cajoled, and peer-pressured into learning about push-up bras, mascara, and stilettos so early in their lives that they don’t fully understand the implications of what they’re wearing and, therefore, broadcasting. Young women are expected to rack up sexual experiences before they’ve had any real sexual urges`
This is brilliant. I`ve always felt the same way and have never been able to put it into words- thank you sally for stating it so eloquently. This really hit home for me- I`m 19 and in my earlier teens whenever I tried `dressing sexy` I never felt comfortable. Now that I`m a little bit older and a little bit wiser, my mentality and perception about what is `sexy` (to me) is much clearer and also healthier. I`m going to pass along your little nuggets of wisdom to my younger cousins : )
As a single woman and a woman who hasn’t had a ton of relationships and have had moments where I have felt lonely, I still really like your advice, Sally. I completely agree. I dress to feel good about me! I am with you in that there are a billion ways to attract partners. I may not have had a ton of partners but I do know that the ones I have attracted have been quality and worthwhile partnerships. I agree that K should dress for her own success. The right guy will like you for the right reasons.
Another queer gal here. Loving all the comments about confidence in one’s own body, comfort, etc…but…sometimes we DO want to allure, sometimes it is date night or anniversary night or your friend’s burlesque debut and we want to wrap ourselves up like the present for that special someone or to celebrate our own beauty. I also find that dressing up to appeal to men / dykes is different than dressing up for fun with the femme ladyfriends.
When it is one of those seduction nights, I tend to smile, pump myself up confidence wise, and:
* Wear color, pale neutrals, or a small flattering print.
* Wear fitted-but-not-tight garments.
* Wear a skirt of some kind – perhaps it’s a dress, perhaps not.
* Wear shoes with a bit of heel. Not more than 2 inches – not being able to walk is not sexy.
* Groom my hands, and use makeup to emphasize my lips, which are a strong feature for me.
* I like to reveal my lower legs (if it’s cold I wear hose that matches my skin tone, or boots), lower arms, and a touch of cleavage.
No hats/fascinators! Cute as they can be they block your face off and create distance/formality, make you less approachable. I don’t go overboard with heavy glossy red lips, stunt manicures, complex updos, perfume, fishnets (they are overrated and they make your feet hurt), corsets, ruffled fetish petticoats, etc.
The result is that I can move, run, dance, lounge, lean over, be warm or cool, and I feel happy and confident – with just that bit extra, too.
Great advice. Confidence is key – and finding something that you feel you look good in. My most noticed features are my red hair, blue green eyes and smile. If I am feeling in the mood to attract men, I wear colors that I know bring those three out – and carry it with confidence.
for me, sexy is a t-shirt with my improv group’s logo, well-worn jeans and some badass boots. I think that sexy is knowing yourself and i know that i need to be able to move in my clothes. i know that i need to feel casual but not schlumpy. and i know that you’re always invited to see me perform improv on friday nights, handsome cafeteria worker man!
– college student with a thing for food servers
For what it’s worth, when I met my husband I was wearing:
Jeans
Boots
Thermal undershirt
Tshirt
Hoodie sweater
Jacket
Beanie
It was in no way stylish and I looked roughly like a stay puff marshmallow, but he was taken enough with my stay puff mashmallow smile to spot me from across a crowded lecture hall and wait anxiously through two more lectures to find me again and talk to me.
So yea….clothes. So do not matter (to the right guy). It’s nearly nine years later and while he loves my new look (I got past the t-shirts and jeans a few years ago) he’s just as happy when I’m bumming around the house in pj pants, oversized shirts, and a robe. He just likes ME. : ) It’s awesome. And you’re right, everyone should have that.
The only other thing I can add to Sal’s wonderful advice is this: even if you never end up with a boyfriend, continue to follow it. I’ve literally been single my entire adult life (and my entire teenage life, too, except for a month or so of dating someone who dropped me as soon as the gal he really wanted became available) and yet I would not change the choices I have made about myself – how I act, what I’m interested in, how I dress – for anything, even if it meant I’d not have been single (and, admittedly, lonely many times.) Be true to yourself. You never know what will happen – you may meet the most wonderful partner there is, who loves you and would never even think about leaving you, but he or she could get hit by a bus tomorrow. And yes, that’s a big downer, but it’s the sad reality of the world we live in. You have to be okay with you.
I have to say, a lot of the comments here leave a bad taste in my mouth. It seems like a lot of posters are of the opinion that it’s bad to dress sexy to attract sexual partners, but then go on to say that it’s better to dress modestly, because that’s what real men like better anyway.
If you dress modestly because you think it will attract a certain kind of man/woman, isn’t that still gearing the way you dress toward attracting sexual partners? I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with dressing sexy to attract partners – yes, maybe wearing revealing clothing is more likely to attract men/women who are only interested in sex, but not all women are looking for anything more than a one-night stand anyway, and there’s nothing wrong with that!
If I were looking for a long-term relationship, a bar or a party (or anywhere revealing clothes are considered appropriate) is not where I’d be looking, and I’d wager a bet that a lot of women (and men!) would agree with this sentiment.
I do agree that projecting confidence in whatever you’re wearing is much more likely to attract potential partners, but I wanted to point out that there’s nothing wrong with dressing sexy to attract sex if you are comfortable doing it. It’s dangerously easy to make the jump from praising modesty to slut shaming.
Good points. The original question came from a woman who was hoping to find a longer term relationship, and as someone who has never had casual sex myself, I answered from the perspective of a serial monogamist. But some women dress sexy to attract sexual partners, and I don’t think that itself is wrong or bad.
It can be hard to discern motivations, though, and women dressed in tight and revealing outfits can also be doing so because they believe they must to merit attention or be worthy. My hope was to encourage all women to consider their reasons for doing anything outside their personal norms in order to attract partners … But not to shame anyone who chooses mindfully to embrace sexy dressing.
I figured I would comment since I’m 17 and it seems that a lot of you were interested in what it’s like to be a teen in the hyper-sexual social climate today. I have never had a boyfriend, never kissed a boy, etc. I’ve been “together” with a boy, which just means that I wasn’t talking (in a romantically interested way, if that makes sense) to any other boys and he wasn’t talking to any other girls, but we weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend and we weren’t “dating” (I figured I’d define that, because my mom didn’t understand.) I would like to think that I am a rarity in the teenage world, as a girl who loves herself and is happy. Not to sound arrogant, but I think that I am smart, pretty, funny, etc. I tell myself that I’m a catch, yet none of the boys in my school, group of friends, etc. seem to notice.
I have varied interests (Cheerleading, Band, UNICEF Club, Meditation Club) and I have different friends from each group. Regardless of the group, grade, or class though, girls who try too hard to display their sexuality and looked down upon and called sluts, unless they’re in the “right” group of friends, read “popular”, and it is acceptable to show your body, and you won’t be called on it.
I am kind of rambling and I don’t exactly remember where I wanted to go with this whole thing. The point is that for a lot of people, at least from my experience, if you show cleavage, thighs, and in some awkward experiences walking up the stairs behind a girl with a short skirt, your butt, you will be rewarded with attention from boys. Perhaps it’s a society thing, but unless you get attention from boys, you aren’t really anything. You can think you’re pretty, you can have lots of self-esteem and confidence, like I do, but it doesn’t mean much unless you have a boy that thinks you’re beautiful and wants you and will happily display it to the world. It scares me to know about some of the things that girls, especially younger girls, will do to get a boy to like them. I’m sure all of you have witnessed that at some point, but I will say it is definitely worse than any of these adults who run talk shows and televised parenting interventions think. I can only imagine that this will get worse at the party scene of said big public university, but hopefully, I’ll have some luck with the modesty, self-esteem, and big smile approach. Now I’m definitely rambling, but hopefully I introduced a new perspective.
Just wanted to say that this is one of the most beautifully written things I’ve ever read, and I couldn’t agree more. I wish you’d been around when I was a misguided young’un, Sal. : )
Wonderful post, Sal, and such a diverse array of comments! My only gripe in a general sense is that many people define ‘sexy’ in extremely narrow terms. Sexy does not need to mean revealing or tight-fitting, nor does it necessarily have a thing to do with sex or attracting other humans. Sexy isn’t something we can manufacture out of leather or spandex or fishnet, and it isn’t something that is switched on when you show your cleavage. I think of sexiness as arising from feeling your best and most confident, whatever that means for you in terms of style. Some women are sexy in an elegant floor length gown, some are sexy in a simple cotton sundress, and others are sexy in worn out jeans and a t-shirt. Dressing in a way that is sexually evocative is one thing, but sexy is a state of being that only confidence can inspire. And if you don’t feel that you are your natural, best self in that slinky red dress and stilettos, then you aren’t going to be sexy in it.
This idea has been hinted at in a couple of the comments; i.e., that women have sometimes gotten more attention when they aren’t dressed in a specifically flashy way — I think the reason behind this phenomenon is exactly what I’m talking about here. Sexy and sexual are not the same thing, and I think it’s important for women to be able to embrace feeling sexy without it needing to be about some specific manner of dress that they may not ever be comfortable with. I guess what I’m trying to say is that clothes are only related to sexiness insofar as how they make YOU feel about you.
Sal, this is one of my favourite posts of yours. Love your advice.
I cannot in good faith encourage any woman to dress sexy, dress in revealing clothes, dress to show her figure for the express purpose of attracting dates, sexual partners, or boyfriends.
Statements like this are why I read this blog everyday.
I think it was already said in several comments, dressing overtly sexy, wearing heavy makeup, and showing lots of skin is not universally attractive to all guys. My husband can’t figure out why high heeled shoes are supposed to be sexy, but he falls into a drooling heap of happiness when he sees me wearing a t-shirt and jeans. Some guys go for the high-maintenance look, others don’t. You can’t predict what any one guy likes, so I say, just dress neatly and be yourself.
I’m older than K at 25, but I have to say it was already pretty bad by the time I hit high school. It seemed like the only way to get a boyfriend was to dress like a ho. So I did. And I got the wrong kind of boys for YEARS. Then, when I was 21, I met my current boyfriend and you know what almost kept us apart?
My wardrobe.
I was still dressin’ like a ho and that put him off in a big way! He thought he same things that Sally points out here- that I didn’t know who I was, that I didn’t have any confidence and that I was lazy. No lie- on one of our first dates he told me this. So I mean, keep that in mind when you’re thinking about dressing slutty because I’m with an absolute prince who I adore and who adores me, and who can be relied on in an emergency or hardship (which no other person I’ve ever been with was capable of) and my slutty clothes almost kept us apart.
I absolutely agree that self confidence and wearing what YOU think you look sexy in are the key to attracting partners! great post!
I think that the best advice I can give as a forty-something lady is: meet men -in a safe environment like a sports club or the like – and make sure that you get close enough to them (without any sexual undertones) to be able to smell each other’s body odour (and yes, it is okay to have a shower before!); just ask for their advice for instance, they love that.
Yeah, scientists found out that men and women get a lot of information about genetically acceptable partners by simply smelling them! And the second advice (very similar to Sally’s) – ooze self-confidence! Whenever I do, men start making beelines towards me… LOL. Well, and if dressing up a bit puts a smile on your face and gives your self-confidence a boost, go for it; but don’t do it just to attract men.
AMEN SISTER
I think it’s okay to flatter one’s figure but not to show it off unnecessarily. Well-tailored clothes and good hygiene are much more important than having a hot body if you’re looking for a life partner (not just somebody to have casual sex with). These things show self-respect, whereas revealing clothing and too much makeup show desperation. And who wants a man who’s attracted to desperation?
Of course, if you want a one-night stand, then dress for one. Whatever. To each her own.
It depends on the situation and on the particular woman’s personal style. But I agree with Sal…a woman doesn’t have to dress provocatively to attract partners.
Not to sound conceited, but I still attract a lot of attention without trying to. It just happens. I’m 27. I’m married. I have not worn anything remotely sexy in a long time. If I still had my tight little hourglass shape, I would definitely be rocking the sexy outfits. But since I’m somewhat more “fluffy” than I’ve ever been, I tend to be more conservative with my style now. That doesn’t stop men from hitting on me.
I met my husband at 23. He was 37. We were at jury duty. I was wearing a fitted brown sweater with slim-fitting chocolate brown pants…my shoes were leopard print high heels. I was aiming for an old-school type of sexy, like Lana Turner. Obviously it made an impression on him because we’ve been together since.
I love being dolled up and looking sexy. I wish I had a closet filled with beautiful clothes. Sometimes I feel a bit envious of women with the confidence to wear sexy clothes without trying to attract men…they simply do it because they want to.
My husband prefers women who are more on the nerdy, Plain Jane side. He is uncomfortable with girls in sexy clothes and high heels. He likes me in blue jeans and a simple shirt, with very little makeup.
I feel very bland and frumpy like that sometimes, but he seems more appreciative of women who don’t dress sexy, believe it or not.
My theory is pretty simple but it’s nothing new…different guys are attracted to different girls. Some will be attracted to women that are obviously sexy and flashy. Some will be attracted to middle-of-the-road types. And some will be drawn to women that carry themselves in a very simple, subtle, understated way. They might be plain on the surface but there is something about these women that appeals to some people. Maybe they seem more authentic on some level. Maybe to some potential partners, their plainness is viewed as natural beauty.
Sal…you always write on such interesting subjects. I hope you keep it up!
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