I’ve already sung the praises of feminist, body image, sexuality, and womanhood blog Rabbit Write, so I’m hoping you’ll all be as thrilled as I am to have a guest post from its insightful, contemplative, and fabulously talented author. I asked Rachel to muse a bit on any topic she wanted, and she opted to share her thoughts on how gender and fashion entwine. Fascinating stuff, as you’ll soon see …
There is a constant background noise that buzzes about you. A clattering of opinions about the way you dress: “Women who dress slutty just have low self-esteem.” “They look dumb.” “They just want attention.”
It may sound like the droning of YouTube commenters, but even in sensitive, intellectual circles this idea resonates. Maybe here, the excuse is that dressing slutty is not OK because it’s rooted in the patriarchy, it’s about objectifying women.
I don’t remember anything before age 3, but I know when I was born there was a pink ribbon on my head. It was decided for me. One of my first memories is talking with my girl neighbors. I crossed my legs. I sighed. “Oh, such silky-smooth skin,” I mimed like a razor-blade commercial. I knew I was a girl, and I knew that girls were to be sexy. There was Jessica Rabbit, Miss Yvonne, my mom hosting a party, splashed with cleavage.
The problem is not that gender is sexual, or even that gender roles are really sex roles. The problem is that we are bred into these roles before we even understand what sex means. So the femme role and it’s potentially “slutty” clothing can become unconscious.
When we wear “femme” clothing, the sexuality of it is intrinsic. It’s biological. Stilettos force the pelvis to tilt, splaying breasts and bottoms to display. Heels form the “ideal” leg length, which, according to a study, is 5% longer than the norm. Clothes that nip at the waist create the illusion of perfect waist-to-hip ratio – the golden .07 shared by Marilyn and Kate Moss and corseted Victorians. And while I don’t have research on it, I could casually argue that even the “girly” color pink brings out the orgasm-flushed, healthy tones of our faces. When we dress “femme” we are advertising fertility, there is an inherent exhibitionism to that.
Once, my friend Errol was at a bar, next to a woman in a red mini-dress, hair ironed to her waist. He asked, with feminist caveats, if her outfit was about getting laid. She shrugged. “Not really.” She was just out, wanted to look cute. If there is a string of “slutty” low self esteem, I think this is the root of it; This lack of conscious choice – blindly acting out sex-and-gender-roles.
Considering that lack of choice made me question. And questioning made me feel bad. Bad about the bronzer in my cleavage, bad about the pink heels and chicken cutlet boobs. I worried that I wasn’t being true to myself, or that it was somehow unhealthy. So I neutered my look. Cut my hair, wore sneakers, shunned skirts.
When I was three, I knew I was a girl only because adults told me so. I didn’t know the rush of hormones that would make me feel warm and crazy and tune my voice to a particular pitch.
I questioned gender as a social construct. But for me, there was also something about my gender that was inherent. I ended up back in the same dress, the same padded bras. But this time it was conscious. It wasn’t because, “that’s what you do when you’re a girl,” or because I wanted to fit in. It was an act I could put on, but it wasn’t one that I needed.
It was sexual. I could dress gender neutral, but I was not sexually neutral. And the two were formed into each other, kink-like. Maybe, in those intellectual circles the thought behind jeering at “slutty” dressers is that it’s rooted in the patriarchy. But to think that a woman cannot be an exhibitionist – cannot choose to dress sexy for a myriad of reasons – is objectifying her. Which couldn’t happen in a society where sexuality is not repressed.
Image via We Heart It.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
My mind is working slowly this morning, so my comment will take the form of quite awe for this post. Perfect. Puts into words SO many things that I've thought in my life.
Thank you, Sal and Rabbit Write. Fantastic!
THAT is an interesting take on dressing 'femme'.
I notice myself dressing sexy from time to time and I feel bad because I'm happily married with a small child. Who am I trying to be sexy for outside of my husband? I thought for a while that I was just an 'attention seeker' like the 'other' woman who dress sexy.
Now I can sit here and think back and yes! yes! I was dressing sexy because I am a woman and I can dress sexy if the mood so strikes!
Loved this article!
This was a fantastic post and a very thought-provoking read!
You mention the color pink as possibly being suggestive of the flush of sex and orgasms. Interestingly, pink has only been a color associated with girls/women in Western culture for about a century. It used to be considered a masculine color that expressed virility. All the more evidence that these things become so socially and culturally constructed that it is hard to determine what each of us does because of individual reasons or social reasons.
La Historiadora,
Right you are. I've read that up until around geesh, after the Victorian era that blue was actually a color reserved for girls (probably because of the virgin Mary)and that little boys often wore pink, just a watered down hue of red, which as you said is a very masculine color.
Good point!
And thanks for the love, all!
Awesome post!! And the last sentence gave me goose bumps!!!
Wow she sounds a lot like me and I bet a lot of us out there. First we don't realize what we are doing then we do and rebel against it. But finally we find a balance
Great article
I agree that no one should make choices based merely on societal prohibitions – choices about dress, career, worship, food, anything. It's important to examine our reasons for our choices, see if these reasons are clear to us, see whether they are consistent with our own principles, and our own values. When we blindly obey prohibitions or commands, we become slaves. I think we want to be willing participants! I know I want to joyfully make choices because they are consistent with my worldview and are consistent with who I am! Hope this makes sense, and is on-topic…
And I get annoyed at everyone out there who acts like there are only 2 ways for women to dress – "sexy" or "gender neutral." That's a bunch of BS and normalizes the sexy dresser as if she doesn't have more choices than that.
There is a huge spectrum of looks out there and it doesn't do us any justice to pretend that, once again, women have to embrace the only function society wants us to have, which is "sex object," or else we are somehow meaningless and erased.
I don't know what sensitive, intellectual circles you refer to specifically, but I've noticed that in academia (the intellectual circles that I frequent), a woman who dresses slutty is taken for a joke – yes, the old assumption that there is a brain/beauty duality and that a woman does not generally possess both. Also – and let's be honest here – a woman who dresses, PERIOD, is not taken as seriously in academic circles because the assumption is that anyone with time and thought to give to their appearance clearly isn't seriously devoting enough time and thought to their research. Nothing to do with the patriarchy, everything to do with a bias against grooming and fashion as frivolous pursuits.
I found "Someone's" point interesting. Why DO we continue to dichotomize: sexy/gender neutral, for example? Is "femme" always sexy/slutty? I don makeup and heels, wear skirts to work and accessorize with jewelry, scarves, etc. All of these things are associated with "femme" in Western European and North American cultures. But as I've always been conspicuous because of my height, I'm a bit of a prude when it comes to hemlines (no shorts under 4" inseam), tightness (I loathe thongs AND VPL, and prefer my clothing lined for privacy), and opacity (I wear a silk slip over my french lingerie to keep the lace pattern from showing on my dresses). I'd say my gender's pretty darn clear, but I'm nowhere near "slutty" category.
Isn't there more of a spectrum here? Don't we, finally, have more options than being mother or whore?
Finally, I would like to point out that we are talking about one very specific, narrow definition of these genders, one rooted in Western European and Anglo/American culture. And yes, to some extent we can say that American pop culture has colonized the globe, but I'd just like to gently prod this discussion with the suggestion that these concepts of "femme" and "gender-neutral" are far from universal.
I am a femme lesbian feminist and I think about this all the time. I also loved femininity as a child, then rejected it as not-PC, and finally returned to embrace it on "my own terms." Which is MY choice. But I can't pretend that my preferences– MY choices– even when well-considered, are not influenced by the social rewards I gain for dressing femininely. Having *additional* reasons for doing something does NOT negate the larger social coercion that accompanies the behavior. I think it's really important that we not delude ourselves into believing that rationalizing can erase the constant barrage of socialization we are all exposed to.
Feminine need NOT be overtly sexual. For example, I wear a lot of cardigans, wide-legged pants, and ballet flats. Clearly feminine, but not sexy. Sexy-femininity may be fun, but it isn't an expression of "feminism" or pure self-empowerment. It's formulaic and predictably male-attention-seeking (unless of course, you only dress sexy-feminine when no one sees you).
Particularly when we consider harm-causing garments such as tight-fitting clothing and high heels (ouch!), feminists have a responsibility to be critical. These items distort flesh and bone with red marks, bruise, blisters, rashes, and pain. They are directly, physically harmful to women. Yet we are told that they ENHANCE the natural female body, make it "better." Better for whom is the question??
We can make excuses for anything. We can tell ourselves that there is "no reason" why we feel more comfortable, more self-assured, when we behave in socially-acceptable ways. But that doesn't make it true.
"Once, my friend Errol was at a bar, next to a woman in a red mini-dress, hair ironed to her waist. He asked, with feminist caveats, if her outfit was about getting laid. She shrugged. "Not really." She was just out, wanted to look cute. If there is a string of "slutty" low self esteem, I think this is the root of it; This lack of conscious choice – blindly acting out sex-and-gender-roles."
This bit confused me. At the end you said that there was a lack of conscious choice – does that mean that you think that she would not have chosen to wear a red mini dress or straighten her hair if she somehow "saw" other choices? That the only reason any person "enlightened" enough to know their choices would choose to wear a red mini dress or iron their hair is if they were trying to get laid?
Or am I just totally misunderstanding that whole bit? Because it seems in opposition with some of the other points in the post.
What a great blog you've just discovered me!
A man can be a man, but a woman is never just a woman, there's always some adjective or other. And it's not just your clothes that can classify you, it can be your body. Very curvy women are often seen as "slutty" no matter how they dress (and why should they make an effort to dress as frumpy as possible to avoid that?)
I've come to think about clothes as costumes and stop worrying about expressing "the real me" (that's for my words and actions). I can't escape from wearing a costume, so I may as well have fun with that.
@Kelly. I don't understand that bit either.
hi Kelly and cora – thank you for those posts. i too felt that passage could have been clearer. cora, it seems that 'society at large' has recognized that difference in how it treats men and women, and is starting to objectify some men to 'get things equal'. ugh. and what's the conscious choice to make when your body itself is considered 'slutty'? there's a conundrum.
it's a sticky topic – the more calm thinking around it, the better.
I totally agree with undercoverpunk. Power is at the root of this discussion. A false sense of power, which comes from external sources, such as attention from men, is a seductive (and sometimes dangerous) form of validation. Awareness contributes to a true sense of power, that from within.
Someone,
There is more than the Madonna/Whore dichotomy allows for, of course. I guess what I am trying to point out is that "femme" clothing, even when not "slutty" is often sexual. To dress like a woman is to dress for your sex role.
fleur,
These are excellent things to keep in mind while reading.
undercoverpunk,
I agree that there are always social factors at play. But are corsets still wrong if the woman wearing them is a submissive into bdsm? gender roles & it's uniforms are often a part of sexuality, almost kink-like. I think as long as you have explored aesthetics that are rooted in problematic social cultures , and acknowledge that, it's ok to proceed… I still feel we aren't quite on the same page here, so I hope that made sense…
kelly & tiny,
That was an observation to back up the point that it all just seems so unconscious. That putting on a sex role and it's costume can be completely unconscious, maybe because we live in a sexually repressed society, maybe because we live in a society that sexualizes girls from a young age and probably both. & tiny I agree with the comment about our bodies being sexualized, it is a problem.
Love your insight, anonymous.
Thanks all so much for this discussion! You've got my brain moving!
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