It’s completely natural to judge people on first glance. We do it to save time, to make choices, to understand our world efficiently and immediately. First impressions ARE important and meaningful because your physical appearance is the first level of your identity that you reveal to the observing world.
Yet everyone hates to be judged. And being judged solely on appearance is one of the most harmful types of judgment, in my opinion. So many assumptions, so much heresy-based group-think, so little room for variation.
All pretty girls are dumb.
All tall people are great basketball players.
All thin women are anorexic.
All muscular men are douchebags.
All old people are out of touch.
All fat people are unhealthy.
How could these prevalent stereotypes hold true in all cases? HOW? They exist because of a series of observations that have seeped into our collective consciousness, but they are not The Truth. They may hold true for some individuals within a group, but as is the case with any generalization, they will never hold true universally.
My college boyfriend was an intensely judgmental man. I had to work hard for his approval, and when I strayed – paying too much attention to style and fashion, enjoying some “Dawson’s Creek” here and there, doing anything that he saw as “below” me – I could feel the rays of disapproval emanating from his very core. I admired him so much and wanted to be worthy of his affection, so I stifled my urges for ages. And when I finally extracted myself and moved across the country to get the hell away from him, I vowed to work on my own judgmental tendencies. Because being around judgmental behavior hurt me, but also made me conform. I had become quick to judge, and wanted desperately to adjust my mentality.
Years later I still judge people, but I do my utmost to judge them as individuals instead of groups. It takes more work, but it’s worth it. When I see someone or meet an individual for the first time, I make every effort to assume nothing. I want each person to show me who she truly is, and I make room for that inside myself. I don’t look at a woman twice my size and think, “She should lose some weight.” I don’t look at a woman with a giant birthmark on her face and think, “She should cover that up.” I don’t look at a drop-dead gorgeous woman and think, “She must be an airhead.” I look at every woman and think, “She is herself. Let’s find out more.”
And my standards for individual people are incredibly high. I expect kindness, respect, open-mindedness, and good humor. I expect patience and understanding, honesty and courtesy. And I know that’s a lot to ask, but anyone who meets those standards is golden to me. They could be limbless, half my size, three times my age, covered in scars, from a country I’d never heard of, and dressed in pants I’d never wear. Golden, I tell you.
I believe that external appearance is significant to identity because physical and stylistic attributes are guided by personal choices. You feed and exercise your body, you dress and groom your body, so you alone are in charge of how you appear to observers. Those choices are visible and DO convey information, but that information is minimal at best. We cannot help but assess by image, yet we can work to judge by individual.
I am a Caucasian woman. I have wild, unruly hair. I am covered in freckles. I wear skirts and heels almost every day, makeup on special occasions only. I have cellulite on my upper thighs and big black hairs sprouting out of my chin. I am jiggly in some places, firm in others. I am married and wear a wedding band. I am an average height. I am pale. I am small-breasted. But above all that, I am myself.
Image courtesy jdlasica.
{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }
I love this post, Sal. Love, love, love.
My retail job environment relies on stereotypes all the time — with customers and coworkers. It can get so toxic sometimes that I have to tell myself and sometimes my coworkers not to believe every assumption. Everyone deserves a chance to turn those assumptions upside down.
I really like this post.
I grew up with my parents, especially my mom, pounding this non-judgmental mentality into my head. Any judgmental or even offhand remark I made was quickly met with disapproval, whether it was about someone's profession, looks, whatever. The funny thing is, at least growing up, many of the "judgmental comments" that I made around my parents was repeated based on stuff I'd heard from other people. I think that reflects what you're talking about, that being judgmental is contagious. If someone else says/thinks something, then it's okay for you to say/think it too.
I'd like to say that I'm never unfairly judgmental of others, and I also make an effort not to fall into that mentality. Thinking about some of the judgmental stuff I have said in the past makes me cringe, but I think everyone slips up here and there.
What a great list of expectations: Kindness, respect, open-mindedness, good humor, patience, understanding, honesty and courtesy. I might add integrity and ability to love freely to these incredible signs of character when concentrated in a single person. Thanks for the wonderfully inspiring post!
*applause*
Thanks Sal – as usual, you got it right.
What a great post! While I fit into your 'golden' person description, (not very modest but I do
) I find my 'inner voice' being a little judgemental at times. Is a good reminder to try harder to switch that off – thank you!
Adore you. Thanks for saying all this, for giving me a voice outside of my own head that says being yourself is, in many ways, what life's about. I fight to stay true to that idea, but some days it's difficult. Adore you.
Amen! As I mature, I am finding that I am far more judgmental that I want to be, and it is hard to step away from that mind-set, but oh so necessary. I do not want to be judged on my age or appearance or any other superficial quality. Thanks for the reminder!
I love this post.
I worked in retail for three years. My absolute favorite thing about working in retail was that I got to meet so many people. My favorite thing about the world are the people in it. No matter how the people I meet come across, there is something so wonderful about everyone that I meet – even if I don't see it right away. I'll stick around to find the wonderful, I'll believe in the wonderful, and I'll befriend the wonderful.
Sometimes, this has gotten me into trouble, because sometimes the wonderful doesn't outweigh the negative, and I've entered into some seriously bad friendships and relationships as a result. I would rather take that risk, however, then ever give up on the wonderful things inside of a person.
Everyone is beautiful, in some way. Seeing that beauty within is a gift. I'm so glad that you share that view.
-Becca
What is the definition of "judge"? Is it "condemn"? Is it to "think something about someone"? Is it "come to an opinion?" Is it to "look down upon"?
I try to differentiate between the definitions. To condemn someone based on appearance may be wrong. Yet you can't walk around blindly and not have opinions, or think things about people you see, based on your past experiences. It's human nature. I agree that we should not generalize about people and give into stereotypical thinking!
As a prof in an "urban" environment, I have been forced to readdress my stereotypes. That dude with the white t-shirt, baseball cap, gold chains, and sagging jeans? He's the sweetest, most enthusiastic, most dedicated student of the semester. That thin, leggy girl wearing designer duds in the third row? Needs to be pushed a little to pay attention, but is one of the most open minded folks I've met. Of course, many people use style and appearance as a way to project something about themselves (as the great convo at academichic has shown) but no one is reducible to what's readily apparent on the outside.
And cheers for ridding ourselves of toxic influences in the past!
Sending much love. Thank you for this inspiring post today.
Wonderful, thank you.
es, I needed this today, thank you!
very interesting and thought-provoking post. i'd like to push it a little further. sal said: 'I believe that external appearance is significant to identity because physical and stylistic attributes are guided by personal choices. You feed and exercise your body, you dress and groom your body, so you alone are in charge of how you appear to observers.'
well, to a point … but, say, when you're in the throes of fighting a likely fatal, genetically inherited disease and subject to poisonous amounts of highly toxic drugs, bloated, hair falling out, skin so sensitive you can only stand certain fabrics touching it, etc. – at that time you may be in charge of very little about your appearance.
i've seen people in that situation judged very harshly by others ('if she took better care of herself she wouldn't have got cancer.') it's painful to witness.
in less extreme situations, what about a person who is just not visual, and grew up in a family with little resources regarding style? or a person who decides it's more important to care for an aging parent than to lose that 'last ten pounds', or blow her hair out everyday, etc.
sal did go on to say: 'Those choices are visible and DO convey information, but that information is minimal at best.' sometimes yes, sometimes no (sudden lack of interest in appearance can signal depression, grief, illness). i just wanted to dig in a little further to say there's times when a person's appearance IS largely out of their control, and times when it's rightly the last priority for them.
really, i wanted to underline the importance of sal's premise – how much wiser and more rewarding to get to understand and know a person rather than judge by first impressions.
mmmm, I like "She is herself, Let's find out more." a mantra worth adopting for sure. Thanks for the reminder!
this is a great post!!
Unfortunately, we do judge, some level everyday. It's a struggle sometimes not to judge others, but even more difficult to not judge ourselves by how we THINK others judge us.
Something to think about.
Thank you for this post, Sal. It's spot-on and inspiring, and it's filled with grace and humility.
I've had to cut way back on my Internetting these days because of grad school, but I always make an effort to read your latest posts. And you don't disappoint. And for that I am grateful!
Some of the most visually-stunning people I have ever seen are also some of the sweetest people I have ever had the pleasure of befriending.
Likewise, some of the most dowdy, unkempt people I have ever met turned out to be some of the most thoughtful, intelligent and inspiring people in my life.
One of my favorite Hemingway books, I think it's Islands in the Stream, has one of those great lines that sticks with you. It goes something like, "you could see what kind of man he was from the thin, drawn line of his lips."
I think physically, beyond personal style and inherent features, one of the greatest indicators of a person's soul is age: smile lines and frown lines.
I LOVE YOU!!!
Thank you for a wonderful post mid-week, Sal, and one that hits close to home for me in different ways. It's surprisingly easy to become judgemental of others, and sometimes it seems like constant vigilance against flippant remarks and superficial conclusions is required…one doesn't shed the habit of being judgemental in a day, a week, or a month. I know I have to be vigilant about this sort of thing.
So, the other way in which this hits close to home for me: A new contractor started work at my company a few months ago. Based on the way he treats me compared to my male colleagues, based on what a colleague has told me about his contemptuous remarks behind my back, based on the condescension in his facial expression and his tone of voice, it seems he has me pegged as the stupid little Asian girl with the cute outfits and stuffed animals on her desk who fancies herself a technical writer. He'll ask me questions and then ask those same questions of a male manager because he doesn't trust the answers I give him. It's infuriating and frustrating–and shocking and appalling because I've been at this company for 3+ years and never encountered negative stereotyping and judgement of this sort. Since I've noticed it, I've brought it up with my manager and talked it over with friends in the software industry; the consensus is that the problem is his behaviour, not mine.
Applause applause applause!
hundy&undy
Perfect. Love this post.
Fantastic post, Sal! Posts like these are why I love your blog!
Very well said. And thank you for admitting to be a work in progress, like we all are.
Love this post. Thank you for saying this out loud.
Wow that was a wonderful post!
I hadn't read such a thoughtful post in a long time.
It's because of my parents I have this high self esteem of myself today.
Dear Sally,
You area beautiful woman.
Love,
~Brande
Gorgeous( both the post and the gal). Really wonderful post, Sal. xo
that college boyfriend sounded positively toxic!!
sometimes i find it easier to remind myself to love myself when i think of how easily i can love so many different people–it reminds me that my capacity to love others feels boundless and so my capacity to love myself should be, too.
Love this post, and even myself, sometimes it's hard to not to judge people by their cover. Thanks for the inspiration NOT to.
Thanks for this post, Sal – love it! And for the record…there's nothing shameful about Dawson's Creek.
So true — sometimes we have to stop those little voices in our heads for running wild with negative speak, whether it's about others or ourselves.
It's impossible not to judge. But I try to be open to changing judgements. And to TRYING to change them, by finding out more. When we judge others we are secretly judging ourselves.
I have just started a relationship with a lovely, lovely man. I have never felt more accepted and less judged. I think the only way he would be disappointed in me is if I did something that I myself hadn't wanted to do – and even then it would only be because I was sad. It is so incredibly wonderful and freeing, and it makes me sad how I didn't even realise how judgemental my previous relationships were. How even when they were good relationships, I was still being judged against an image of myself. Which is better than being judged against an image of a supermodel who doesn't even look like that, I guess. But, still!
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself in your “She Is Herself” post today. In all aspects of perception and cognition, human beings use stereotyping (and other kinds of generalizations) as a strategy for overcoming memory limitations and information overload. The fact that we have a basis for departure for understanding our environment gives us an advantage, but—as you point out—those stereotypes are by definition wrong most of the time to one degree or another. Reading this post was a welcome reminder that that’s true.
Great post! While it is difficult not to generalize things in our heads, I think the important part is that we not let stereotypes guide how we act toward people. And I do think there is a difference between an observation ("Wow, that woman is skinny") and a judgment or stereotyping.
This brings to mind a quote I recently heard from Beth Moore, an inspirational speaker: "Why do we have to be color blind? What can't we be color blessed?" Substitute "color" for "shape," "age," or any other characteristic. We shouldn't be ashamed of people noticing us for our appearance, but we should embrace and celebrate our uniqueness.
Beautiful! It is hard not to judge people before knowing them, and I have to remind myself not to start doing it. This reminds me of two very different friends of mine. Everywhere I go with either one of them, people stare, people whisper, people are outright rude sometimes. One of them has albinism and the other is a very tall, thin and beautiful woman. Yet both elicit immediate judgement. Obviously no one is perfect, but it surprising how little tact the general public seems to have about anyone who is slightly "different" than average. Oh well, I guess at least all the attention has made both of them very strong people.
So true and yet so hard to do. I think we all need to work harder not to judge people, if only because we miss out on knowing some wonderful people because we never give them a chance. Thanks for your words of wisdom – this bears repeating time and time again. I for one must try harder on this.
Well said! I was a model and an engineering major in college. I had to work extra hard to prove that I wasn't an airhead, because it was assumed. Some of the older professors were the worst. Personally, I've made my share of knee-jerk judgments but it's definitely something I try to steer clear of.
Lurking here for some time…loved this thoughtful post. I grew up with a very judgmental mother, and everyone is correct that it is 'catchy'. I've spent 40 years trying to get over it. Not everyone may suit my 'taste', but I just move on. I also have friends who would not be chosen for a "Most Beautiful People" poll, but they are beautiful to me!
And I love your outfits as well as your thinking.
Cherie