We all remember the bullies, the thoughtless comments, the snark, the catty women and cruel men whose words and actions have damaged us. And if I asked, I’m quite sure you could reel off the names of those who’ve had a negative effect on your body image.
But let’s talk instead about the quiet heroes of your self-esteem. Who in your life makes you feel gorgeous, powerful, perfect? Which friends and family members are quick with a compliment, or eager to re-route the conversation when you start tearing yourself down?
For me:
My husband: I know that might seem like a no-brainer, but it’s really not. A husband or life partner SHOULD shower you with praise, but that doesn’t mean that all of them DO. I’ve been in many intense relationships, and none of the men I’ve loved have made me feel as desirable, mysterious, and gorgeous as Mike does. And on a daily basis. He compliments me often and hones in on extremely specific things, which makes me feel constantly adored and reminds me that he really pays attention.
My mom: Mom is all about reminding me of my gifts. She makes sure to let me know that my beauty is natural and organic, that I look just as pretty with makeup and without, that I shouldn’t worry about my looks. And it works. Talking to her always provides a gentle nudge to loosen up and relax because I’m, well, already pretty as the saying goes …
My friend Barbara: Although her main role is as confidant and mentor, Barbara manages to boost my self-esteem through her mock indignation. “Well, of COURSE you looked marvelous in that photo … you always do!” “What do you mean you felt frumpy that day? You were a vision!” “Seriously? You think this outfit doesn’t work? You look like a movie star and you know it.” I blush a lot.
My coworkers: As I’ve mentioned, my office compatriots are mostly 15 to 20 years my senior and also mostly women. Some of them definitely view me as a curiosity, with my pyramid studs and retro frocks … but most are supportive to the point of gushy-ness. And there’s something really uplifting about talking with women whose personal styles have evolved over the years, and both receiving praise and swapping tips about where to shop and what to buy. Peer recognition is marvelous, of course, but recognition from previous generations makes me feel like I’ve hit on timeless notes in my personal style. Always a goal.
Who are your body-image, style, and self-esteem heroes? Which friends know how to make you feel radiant? Does your sister or aunt make you see yourself in a different light? Whose words and actions remind you of your own strengths?
Image courtesy sean dreilinger.
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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
Love this idea, Sal!
My husband – who will randomly stroke my face and tell me I'm beautiful throughout the day.
My friend Aaron – who tells me when my clothes complement my figure and takes gorgeous photos of me.
My sisters and sister-in-law – who look up to me and ask my advice on fashion and makeup.
My friends Jill, Viv, and Robin, who boost my self-esteem every time they comment on photos or blog posts.
My husband, who always believes in me and sees the best in me, even when faced with the worst. He also has great taste, loves shopping and often picks out clothes for me to try. More often than not, if I get a compliment, it's for an outfit he's selected.
My daughter who is almost 3 – who with wide eyed sincerity said 'That's pretty, mummy' about something I was wearing…can't even remember what it was!
My daughter's very existence inspires me to keep a healthy self esteem, as an example to her.
My faith, which is unusual I know but my Bible says I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Great post Sal! I have to say my number 1 fan though my whole life has been my mom. Growing up she alwyas told me I was beautiful and I always tried to believe her (although in high school and college it was sometimes hard!).
My other fans? The hubs, my sister, my best friend and my numerous gay best friends who tell me I am fabulous multiple times a day. I think every girl needs a boy in her life (besides the hubs or bf) to let her know she is beautiful
Well, Sal, you are a vision!
My husband also showers me with praise and compliments – not that he always thinks I do everything perfectly, but he is attentive, kind, and makes me feel like a million bucks.
My co-blogger, Herr Doktor, is one of my best friends, and he has always made me feel like I am brilliant and gorgeous.
My Dutch friend who has recently visited makes everyone she comes into contact with feel special and wonderful. She is so kind and sweet.
Thank you for posting this! It's so, SO easy to remember all the cruel things said about ourselves but to take time to think about those that have raised us up helps to heal some of those old wounds.
My co-workers on a daily basis are so complimentary! I gladly spend 8-9 hours a day with these ladies.
i have 2 coworkers who always comment on my outfits and make me feel fab.
my man does a great job, though i wish he were as detail-oriented as your dearest!
i have a few friends who dont comment often, but when they do, it is truly heartfelt.
That was a really sweet post. It will make the people in your life feel really good.
Great idea, Sal!
My quiet heroes:
- My blokey, who thinks I am beautiful, imperfections and all, and I believe him
- One of my good friends from graduate school, who genuinely admires some parts of my figure that I thought were problematic
- My younger sister (and I thought I was supposed to promote her self-esteem)
- Coworkers
- Blogging community. Love how the style/fashion blogging world is so open, positive, and encouraging!
My girlfriend, who always thinks I look hot even when my style choices make no sense to her. She leans (very) butch and I'm in the tomboy femme sort of area, so we present very different gendered images, but we both work very hard to develop a personal style that accurately represents our gender.
And the style blogosphere!
One day when my husband and I were engaged, I was having a frumpy day and angsting out loud about my body, how I hated my sturdy legs, never find anything to fit my generous hips (I'm pretty hourglassy)…. etc etc etc.
My husband actually took me into the bathroom, where I had a full-length mirror. He stood me in front of it and started talking about my figure, how beautiful and attractive and sexy he found my curves.
That was the first time in my entire life I really believed I was an attractive woman.
(Which is not to say that other people in my life hadn't complimented me before – like my mom. I just never really believed them.)
My friends are always so complimentary. It's good to have positive women around you.
At work there are a few of my co-workers that enjoy fashion and we give compliments back and forth. It's a nice atmosphere. Occassionally I will get a snark from one of my (male) bosses and that just rolls off. Like they know what they are talking about! LOL!
I love this idea! I'm always thinking about the people I dislike the most, and make me feel the worst, so it's good to think about people that make me feel good.
My friend Abbie – who always gives unexpected (and sincere) compliments about my outfits/looks, wether I'm in a good or bad mood.
My best guy-friend, Clay – who refuses to let me bash myself, but is never insincere. He helps to stop the bad-self-esteem cycle before it starts, for me and my other female friends. He also always takes my opinions into account when we talk about stuff, and never puts me down, even if I'm wrong.
I'm with Rad–the blogging community has definitely been a lift that I never imagined it would be.
And I have to give mad props to my partner in blogging fashion crimes A-Dubs (not her real name), whom I have known since grad school. She has a no-nonsense, hilarious way of telling me I'm smart and gorgeous and refusing to stand for any protests to the contrary on my part. She also made me join her in blogging, which, as noted above, was a brilliant way to remind me that I am not a meat-bag of suck.
The Boy- he's always telling me how cute and beautiful I am.
My friend, Kristi- Last time I visited she said that I had such great style that she wanted me to be her shopping buddy.
Awww I love this so much! I would say my family are pretty good and of course my best friends.
My fiance and my good friend Linda are always great at making me feel beautiful. They're always helping me realize that my neuroses are truly crazy.
One of my favorite scenes from Barrayar, by Lois McMaster Bujold, comes right at the beginning: Cordelia, the main character, has just done the "look at yourself in the mirror so the readers know what you look like" scene, at which point she goes downstairs and meets her husband coming out of the library…
" 'I give you good morrow, my lady,' he sang out to her, reaching for her hand. The syntax was self-conscious but the sentiment naked-sincere in his mirror-bright eyes. In those mirrors, I am altogether beautiful, Cordelia realized warmly. Much more flattering than that one on the wall upstairs. I shall use them to see myself from now on.
Well, you generally DO look like a movie star.
Big hugs, my friend!
I love this post, sal! I love how you focus on the positive instead of the negative.
For me, it was my father. He was always interested in what I was thinking, doing, especially in school, and he encouraged me every step of the way…
This is such a great post!
For me it's:
My parents; they are always supportive and nice.
My best friend Fin; he's probably the most stylish person I know, and while he is always super nice and tells me I'm beautiful a million times a day (even though we are thousands of kilometers apart), when he has constructive criticism, he tells me.
My best friend Nat; she is so supportive of my crazy outfits, and stands by me whatever crazy contraption I'm wearing and tells me I'm gorgeous.
You. One day when I get to meet you in person, there will be a lengthy hug involved.
I have family and a husband and close friends who I know believe I'm beautiful inside and out, but you Sal are one person outside the group of people who are biased into thinking I'm All That who still tells me I'm All That. So thank you.
Sal, While I currently don't have many folks surrounding me who are capable of offering the "warm fuzzies," I enjoyed reading of your recognition and appreciation for these wonderful relationships and valuing the nourishment their attentions provide to you. And no doubt, they in turn feel better their own lives enriched by your presence.
Since putting more care into how I adorn my body, I'm experiencing a process of continual revelations. Like hugs, I believe sincere compliments from those dear individuals we cherish are vital to our well-being.
My husband: not a day goes by that he doesn't make me feel good about myself.
My sister: We share a lot of the same concerns about our bodies, and we have a great connection and make each other laugh about our insecurities.
My grandfather, who passed away 15 years ago: I was an awkward teenager, and my grandfather always told me that I was beautiful because I was tall.
My grandmother who passed away last September. She would tell me I was even more beautiful than the last time she saw me.
My mom and dad for loving me and telling me everyday how special I am to them.
My brother Charles for telling me the large amount of awesome I add to his life.
And all of them have added so much awesome to my life as well.