An anonymous commenter had this request:
How about a post on learning to love (or a least accept) physical features that you don't like and can't change? Big nose, bad hair, weak chin; features that can't be hidden or made more attractive by careful dressing.
And I thought IMMEDIATELY of a scene from "Roxanne." Do you remember the one I’m thinking of? YouTube didn’t have a clip, unfortunately, but here’s the gist: Charlie/Cyrano decides that perhaps cosmetics can help downplay his truly huge nose. He goes to the local Five & Dime for some makeup counter assistance, and the woman there attempts some “shading,” which pretty much just makes his nose look huge and dirty. She tries her best, but there’s just nothing to be done.
And we’ve all got stuff like that. The way I see it, our physical traits fall into four buckets:
- Things we love
- Things we see as valuable
- Things we don’t love, but can minimize or hide
- Things we don’t love and can’t mask in any way
I see my muscular thighs and broad, sure feet as valuable.
I don’t love my excessive body hair and cellulite, but I can minimize or hide them.
I don’t love my keratosis pilaris, and when it’s sweltering outside, I can’t mask it in any way.
I’ve come to have some measure of affection for my little spare tire of a belly, and just keep telling myself that ALL knees are kinda weird looking, so I can make peace with those things. But I’ve got these freaky looking red and white bumps all over my upper arms – a body part that isn’t my favorite to begin with – and since I refuse to wear three-quarter-length sleeves every damned day no matter the temperature, the world gets an eyeful during the summer months. There’s no cure for this skin condition. There’s no humorous up-side to it. It’s annoying and unsightly and I just plain hate it.
So, instead of getting overly ooey-gooey on yas, I’m going to keep that in mind as I write about ways to love the unlovable parts of your own body.
- Life is balance. Just as the things you love and accept about your body define you, so do the things you hate. You are unique because of that mixture. And unique can be tough, but there’s no denying that it’s also good.
- You may never know what they are, but there are biological reasons for your traits. Every biology class I’ve ever taken has reminded me that Sickle Cell Anemia hasn’t been genetically eliminated in Sub-Saharan Africa because carriers of a single Sickle Cell allele are Malaria-resistant. What if my keratosis pilaris is keeping me from getting a brain tumor and scientists just don’t know it yet?
- Your physical appearance links you to your family. Even if you didn’t WANT your grandpa’s big schnoz or your Aunt Imelda’s frizzy curls, it’s pretty wonderful that you can carry a little bit of your family around with you wherever you go.
- Remember that EVERYONE has things they hate. Heidi Klum, Michelle Obama, Jillian Michaels, Rachel Bilson, that flawless-looking girl who brews up your morning latte. There is no "perfect" in this world, and there is most definitely no "perfect body." You are not alone.
- Everything is relative. YOU may think your nose is big, your chin is weak, your hair is bad … but not everyone will see it that way. Husband Mike likes to call purple things pink and blue things purple, reminding me that each eye perceives the world in a slightly different manner. Bodies are no different, and what annoys you may enchant others. HM is an ass man, and while I tend to have a bit of a complex about the junk in my trunk, he loves it. A dear friend laments her ample rack as overwhelming her tiny frame, but I all I can see is the gorgeous, full breasts I’ll never have. You may not be able to see yourself through the eyes of others, but you can bear in mind that you are likely your own harshest critic.
Think hard about WHY you hate certain aspects of your physical self. Did someone insult you once, or call you out for some distinctive trait? Have fashion mags given you a complex with endless articles about firming up your arms and abs? Or do you dislike these traits in other people as much as you dislike them in yourself?
Self-love isn’t about brushing the bits you hate under the rug. There is no rug. You’re either all in, or you’re simply not done learning to love yourself yet. Loving what we hate is incredibly challenging, and sometimes actual love is impossible. But acceptance will do. Even if none of my ideas ring true for you, give some thought to actions and thought patterns that might move you closer to accepting your whole self with affection. The work might be hard, but the payoff will be so very, very worth it. Just think of all the extra energy you'd have if you stopped burning it off loathing your big nose, bad hair, weak chin! You could take over the damned world, kitten.
Image courtesy mamocalillo.
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45 comments:
This is really so important. There are so many things we can't change about ourselves and wasting energy on thinking about it is just that - a waste of energy, and time. Everything about us has made us who we are and gotten us to wear we are today. It's for those reasons that I accept my own "can't change and can't hide" condition. I still would love for it to be different, but it's not and it won't ever be so life has to go on. I know people don't see me the way I see myself so I remind myself of that when I'm down about it. All of our families and friends still love us, so it can't be that bad, right??
Hi Sal,
Yours is one of the first blogs I read every morning- just when I thought I couldn't love it any more, you throw in the second reason (with an excellent example of sickle cell anemia and malaria). That's what I love about your blog- it isn't just the typical feel-good stuff that everyone and their dog seem to write up- you put thought into it and give us something substantial to read. Thanks and keep up the great work.
So that is what those bumps are..
I've been blessed with them as well, for as long as I can remember. I don't like them either, but then again, how often does one see the side and back of ones' arm?
You're right, perhaps it actually serves some good for some things?
Sal, that is so encouraging. I love the part about looking at things from other people's perspectives. It's so refreshing to let go of my baggage about things I can't change and instead willfully adopt other people's appreciation as my own. My husband and I disagree about my hips ... for today, I'm wrong and he's right!
I never knew that those ugly bumps I get on my arms actually have a name! There you go...I learned something new today. LOL
When I was in high school, I hated my arms because of those bumps....now I'd gladly keep the bumps if only I could have nice, shapely upper arms.
I may never learn to love my mummy tummy, but I love the babies it grew. I may never love my overly ample chest, but I love that those breasts nourished life. My body tells a story....and I hope the story it tells, both to me and to the world, is one of a woman who cares enough to put healthy foods into her body, who cares enough about her well-being to exercise regularly, and who is comfortable in her own skin. That's something I think we all work on....
I can really relate to having a weird skin condition I can't hide. I have a mild form of psoriasis that just comes up in spot-like form on my arms, legs, and back. I usually only have like 10 spots at any one time, but it gets worse in the winter, and I'm self-conscious about it, even though I KNOW no one notices, since the spots are about the size of a mole, which I have quite a few of (that's another thing I sometimes get self-conscious about). We're all just intrinsically nit-picky as human beings when it comes to examining every single tiny detail of our bodies. I just keep reminding myself that even though I have these little spots, it could be much worse, and despite those spots, I have beautiful skin that I get complimented on all the time! Thanks for highlighting that comment!
What a thoughtful post, Sal. The idea that your body, as Queen Mommy says, "tells a story" is a good way to see it. If it were perfect, it would be a pretty bland story, no? One good thing about growing older is that when you look back at photos of yourself at a younger age, when you were obsessing about the x, y, or z that was "wrong" with your looks, you see that if you'd only been paying attention to the total you, you'd have seen how beautiful you really were. Age is the great leveler. It's hard to obsess about your saggy boobs when you have friends who have lost their boobs to cancer...and are no less beautiful for it.
Fantastic post! What a great attitude about the things we inherit. The only visible sign of aging for me, so far, is my spider veins on my legs. Inevitable as a McDowell. I should think of it like this: I share a trait with a long line of powerful McDowell women!
Also, those bumps are a lot more common than you realize, and I think people notice them a lot less than you do. I have to remind myself that when I look in a mirror and try to cover up a zit, I've been fixating on that zit, while others look at my whole face and hardly notice it.
I've had men tell me they love to caress the underside of my thighs--which I think is my worst feature--and they think my belly is sexy--while I think "how did it get this big, you used to be so flat?" I also have had men tell me that I have calves so pretty they should marry me. I've always liked my strong and imperfect legs. It's all a part of me, and I'm strong, healthy, and womanly, and I'm grateful for that.
Amen!! So often we point out our "flaws," which other people usually don't even notice! xoxo
I've always had mixed feeling about my nose (long and pointy) and my hands (long and big knuckled and spidery.)
My dad died of cancer in 2006. He died at home, in hospice care. While I was sitting next to his bed, I had a lot of time to look at him and I realized that our noses and our hands were an exact match, right down to the weird crooked middle fingers.
Now I love my hands and my nose, because when I see them, I see my dad.
Oh, Sal, I love you. That is all!
Great perspective, Sal!
Regarding the little arm bumps, I searched for a solution for 40 years. Five years ago,
for completely unrelated reasons, I eliminated wheat from my diet. Within a month, the bumps had disappeared and have not recurred for the last five years. Perhaps worth a try?
Patti: REALLY? My gosh, worth a try indeed!
Thank you for this post. I will look at my inherited, largish hips (courtesy of my mother's side of the family) in a new way.
Sal, this is a GREAT post and I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to write about it over at my blog and link to it.
Last year, upon the rise of swimsuit season, i kept saying that even though I lost weight and I went down a size or two, I still didn't want to wear a swimsuit because I have big thighs and lots of cellulite. I kept putting myself down and then finally I just bit the bullet, went to the beach and wore my swimsuit without a cover up while in the water and let go. And it was the most AMAZING feeling to just accept my parts AS THEY ARE and embrace the good parts of me instead. I was on the beach with girlfriends for a bachelorette party, and one of them (who is very slim and trim and who I'M frequently jealous of because of her slim physique) said to me- "ANDIE! You have a GREAT RACK!" and that's when I let all of my inhibitions about what I thought was bad about my body fade. I began to realize the exact same thing that you said- embrace your good features and look at yourself from someone else's perspective. Sure enough, I LOVE going to the beach now because I feel comfortable trotting along the beach in my swimsuit because I'm sure that while I sometimes wish I had slimmer thighs and no cellulite, someone else is probably looking at me saying "she has nice breasts or pretty hair or a cute smile"
Everyone has something that makes them uniquely THEM and you so ELOQUENTLY put that into words. I adore this post, really and truly.
oh- and let's hope keratosis pilaris is a great way to ward off other sickness because I've had it for way too long and I'm SICK of it.
I have heard that it could be an allergy to something, though, in your food. My friend Jen (she blogs by the name NakedJen- you should check her out!) who is into natural healing, etc. suggested that I cut out dairy and wheat but I can't. I love cheese too much! LOL
I do find that "aqua glycolic face cream" helps. My dermatologist suggested it to me and I use that and it makes the bumps fade a little. You can get it at CVS or Walgreens but you have to ask for it from behind the pharm counter. It's not prescription, though.
Thank you for this thoughtful post, Sal (and the wonderful comments from your adoring readers!). I also suffer from the bumps on my arms and as a kid used some sort of dermatologist prescribed lotion to try to get rid of them (I also used to get them on my outer cheeks, but those have dissapeared). It never worked completely and I still have them to this day.
A few times people have told me (when it's hot out or I'm freshly sunburned) that I have a rash on my arms! It's so hard not to take that personally and feel self-conscious. My reaction to that statement, depending on my mood that day, has been either calmly telling them it's a skin condition that never goes away and looks worse in the sun, or getting defensive and proclaiming "this is NOT a rash! it's been there the whole time you've known me!" and stomping away. I bet you can tell which reaction I feel better about afterwards :)
I like the idea of being able to embrace the things you cannot change. Okay, maybe not embrace, but not concentrate on them much. I'm really glad you shared that you have keratosis pilaris, because I've been going around in the world feeling like I'm one of the only people that suffers from it and is affected emotionally by it. And it's always easier to bear something when you know you're not the only one.
And thanks, Patti, for the no-wheat tip! I may just try that... one day :)
Thank you so much for this post!
I'd like to add on that sometimes the things that we don't like about ourselves, other people love about us. For example, I have a lot of moles on my face; there's only two prominent ones, and the rest are essentially freckles, but I grew up, with my aunts telling me that I would have to get them removed someday.
Not good for self-esteem, right?
Turns out that my boyfriend loves the big one under my left eye, a good friend of mine likes the group of three on my right jawline (he thinks it looks like Orion's belt), and so forth.
It's really funny hearing people say that they like this or that supposed flaw I have, and while that makes me feel good, I definitely think everyone should keep in mind that as long as you smile, it's all good.
There's a line from an Adrienne Rich poem about the flaws that make you both yourself and human. They can be defining attributes. I am shorter than most, and tell everyone "if I was any taller, I'd be too intimidating." We are all unique snowflakes!
BTW: I have KP and found that extra vitamin A helps, as well as exfoliating with sea salt and using a moisturizer with glycolic acid. YMMV
My gosh, ladies, I had NO IDEA keratosis pilaris was so common. We should start a club. ;)
Andie: I be honored if you talked about this on your blog, of course! And how marvelous that you can beach bum it up now and love every minute of it.
Hi Sal,
I really enjoyed reading your post ( i always do).
Thank you for it, I specially loved the part where it's simply part of our heritage and that some of the things that bother us or make us restless are actually either desired or admired by others :)
I agree that seeing yourself through different eyes definitely helps with gaining fresh perspective on the body parts you loathe. Growing up, I wasn't crazy about the shape of my mouth and how big my lips were because the Asian beauty ideal is a small mouth. But throughout the years I've had other girls compliment me on my lips' fullness and natural colour (apparently I look like I'm always wearing lipstick even when I'm not).
Sal, love you for boosting more positivity! So true, I have gorgeous friends & there's always something they hate about themselves, we are really not alone~ continue to renew our minds daily with more love!
xo
You have "chicken skin" on your upper arms too?! lol. I've had it since I was a kid and finally just decided I didn't give a darn and would rather not melt in the summer. lol.
Anyway, enough silliness. ;) Thanks for this post. You're so right: we tend to stick various parts our physical selves into little categories. I know I am trying more and more to face those things I "hate" and wish would go away, and instead make peace with them. One thing I am horribly self conscious about are my hands. They're gnarly and worn, my fingers are stubby which just makes them look even more like "farmer hands". Part of it was from years of an OCD condition I had as a teen, and the other part is genetics. I am finally starting to feel better that I don't have "lady like" hands because they're the same hands my dad has, and the same ones my paternal grandmother had! So, it's a family trait, that I'm sorta proud of. ;) Plus, I've decided that gnarly hands are just a sign of good, hard work, and gosh knows I use and abuse my hands! ;)
Keep it up Sal. I know I say that every time I comment, but I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart. You do not know how much of an encouragement you are to me. When I first started reading your blog (seemingly eons ago! ;), I struggled to find other women who had the ups and downs that I had about body image. It's been amazing to watch you grow and learn about yourself and share your struggles and triumphs with us. So keep it up. ;)
♥ Casey
blog | elegantmusings.com
This is exactly what I needed to read today! Thanks so much, I can't even tell you.
I think yours is the wisest essay on this I've ever read. I hope it gets noticed far and wide. I love how you linked appearance to family heritage and belonging. I've never encountered that idea as a factor before.
There's a psychological exercise where you right down everything you believe about yourself. "I'm a good dancer." "I can't do math." "I'm funny." "I'm clumsy." And then you search your memory to find an early instance of some person in authority who told you that. Parent, coach, teacher, pastor, big brother... Tends to match up! Of course now that people see that, they can drop the evaluations they don't agree with.
A funny thing about other people's judgments, in the other direction.
I had a boyfriend in high school who admired my strong muscular thighs. Like a lot of us then I spent my days in this horrible rubberized longline panty girdle because the magazines said I ought to. But I do think that as a result of that one remark of his I might be one of the only women in the country who doesn't have slender, long thighs and never had any angst over it.
Sal, I linked your post to a piece I wrote today on body image and eating disorders. Hope that's okay. It's http://charlotte-daybook.blogspot.com
Dear Sal,
I just want you to know, that reading you is sometimes like getting a virtual hug that I so desperately needed. Thanks.
Great post, Sal!
Just FYI, I have KP too and while it's a constant pain in my ass, using salicylic acid body wash (I use Neutrogena Body Clear) and an alpha hydroxy lotion (I use Alpha Hydrox Silk Wrap Body Lotion) have helped me clear it up somewhat.
However, it's still there and my upper arms are super ugly because I have the new red bumps in addition to a bunch of dark spots from when I couldn't help but pick at them (I don't pick at facial blemishes because I trust that they'll go away, but sometimes I can't help it on my arms because I HATE it and it never goes away). When I go sleeveless, I put tinted moisturizer on my arms and it helps even it out a bit. Hope that helps a little!
Hey, on the KP, have you tried using glycolic or salycylic acid? You have to use it every day. Paula's Choice has some good cheap versions. It works for my daughter (backs of arms, right?) if we keep up with it. She's very self-conscious about it.
From now on I might have to start every day spending a moment with this post. In fact, every woman should.
I have struggle with body image issues. I am tallist (just under 5'8"), but I hated my long waist/small bust/average length legs for a long time. I slouched and felt mannish. But one day, I was wearing a fairly tight t-shirt and jeans, and my large-chested, leggy, Angelina Jolie type friend came up to me and said, "I am so jealous of your beautiful flat tummy. How do you have space for all your internal organs in there?" I'm not so flat bellied anymore, but I realized that my elegant and long torso is not just a curse. It looks great in many contexts (bikinis, with high waisted skirts, in drop waist dresses- strangely enough). Alot of lingerie models have proportionally longer torsos, and alot of beautiful actresses (Keira Knightley, Mischa Barton, Claire Daines). Plus I never have to get pants hemmed or worry about long lengths, and I seem powerful and imposing when sitting down.
what a wonderful way to look at it! All that saved time over the angst! I can't even do that much math...
;)
Marie @ Lemondrop ViNtAge
Love, love, love this post. And such an interesting observation about sickle cell and malaria.
Fascinating thought!
Great article! I was about 18 when I looked at my moms hips and sarcastically said, "Thanks mom. You gave me your "square butt". Small waist with big hips." she told me it's perfect for carrying babies.
Now that I have 2 babies, she's right. They would slide right down if I didn't have the perfect little shelf :)
Thanks for the beautiful, insightful post! I have many things about my physique I don't like, but my hair was always my nemesis. I blew-dried it everyday for 35 years, until my curly haired, college aged daughter convinced me to let it be. Surprise! Now I consider my curls one of my finest features. Some people don't like that it changed, but it has liberated me in many ways to love something I once loathed. ~Madeline
SO needed to read this today. <3 you Sally.
I think this might be one of my favorite posts of yours ever, Sal. Such wise words here. I don't love my profile, but I've gotten over it because I figure that people who know me from the front, sides, and back probably never notice it anyway; it's just part of the whole package and not a thing unto itself. We tend to fixate on these perceieved flaws and rarely stop to think that other people view us as whole humans, not as a big nose or a weak chin attached to some undefined biological mass.
I sympathize with the upper-arm condition. Everywhere else on my body, I have beautiful skin, but that one place has these tiny little bumps. I finally had to just learn to accept them and try not to let them stop me from wearing clothes that show my arms (it helps that I discovered sugar scrubs and ridiculous amounts of lotion, which makes them less noticeable even if it never completely makes them go away).
I love the part about family, too. Even though I often lament my ridiculous hair (it waves, but it won't curl, and it won't straighten), I got it from my dad. And even if I'm not overly fond of my face shape, I look just like my mom sometimes and that gives me a quiet kind of joy, to think that I look just like her. Because oddly enough, even though I hate these qualities on me, I think my parents are the most beautiful people in the world. Remembering that helps keep me from downing the parts they gave me.
Lady, you do good work.
If you were a Boy Scout, this article would be your good deed for the day. Look how many people you've helped!
This is such an important issue. Without getting into it too much, I too have a skin condition that leaves me itchy, bumpy, and pretty nastypants anytime my heart rate goes up. Kinda sucks. Majorly sucks. But I always try to remember that that one little thing, that tiny insignificant issue, is absolutely nothing compared to some of the REAL issues out there. I am lucky. Lucky and beautiful.
What makes us different is what makes us US, unique and wonderful. Wouldn't it be boring if we were all the same?
Such good thoughts. Thank you.
But keratosis pilaris is quite easily treated. I just exfoliated daily with a very fine scrub, then applied any drugstore lotion that has salicylic acid.
There are things that we have to accept, but this skin condition is not one of them.
Thank you so much for writing this, Sal!
Sal, I always marvel at your seamless mix of eloquence and humor. Just thought I'd tell you that, and I don't think many people could have come up with such a wonderful response to this reader's request :)
Thanks--I needed to hear this today. My nose is feeling extra-gigantic, for some reason, and I've been sensitive about it ever since I was a little kid (and my mom told me that when I was grown up she might help pay for plastic surgery on it).
Also, keratosis pilaris freaking RUINED my self-image when I was a kid. I had no idea what it was until I saw a dermatologist about something else in my late teens, but I wouldn't wear shorts (I have it most severely on my legs) or short-sleeved shirts until I was about 20. In retrospect, I should have been shakin' that fanny. Thank goodness for pumice stones (and shaving my legs every day seems to help, as well).
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