Let’s talk about the patriarchy, shall we? That’s bound to get folks fired up on a cold winter’s day … first, a working definition before I dig into my argument. From the two most general resources available Web-wide:
DICTIONARY:
1 : social organization marked by the supremacy of the father in the clan or family, the legal dependence of wives and children, and the reckoning of descent and inheritance in the male line; broadly : control by men of a disproportionately large share of power
2 : a society or institution organized according to the principles or practices of patriarchy
WIKIPEDIA
Patriarchy is a social system in which the father or eldest male is head of the household, having authority over women and children. Patriarchy also refers to a system of government by males, and to the dominance of men in social or cultural systems. It may also include title being traced through the male line.
But as Jenny pointed out in a recent comment, ” … ‘the patriarchy’ doesn’t mean ‘men.’ Women AND men who don’t actively resist patriarchal notions are part of the patriarchy; anyone who benefits from the patriarchy is part of it. It’s a system, an institution. So women can oppress other women through patriarchal notions that they themselves have been oppressed with.”
Now THAT. That is something that doesn’t get said often enough. It is frighteningly easy to foist off our issues on the patriarchy: Body image woes, skewed concepts of femininity, confining definitions of sexiness and sensuality, gender roles, anorexia and eating disorders fueled by the desire to fit a beauty paradigm, workplace inequity, parenting roles. Damn, don’t we love to point fingers at the patriarchy for these crimes. And OH HELL YES, that venerable institution has contributed to this array of woman-centric issues. Over time, male-dominated power structures have exerted lasting influence over how women feel about ourselves and about each other, how we view and treat our bodies, and how we think about pretty much anything deemed “feminine.” The patriarchy has played a major role. I am not saying it hasn’t.
What I am saying is this:
- Blaming something on “the patriarchy” does not excuse you from all responsibility just because you are female.
- Think long and hard about your role before issuing blame. Not your role as a woman, your role as YOU. If something makes you mad, blaming a giant, formless institution can be a total cop-out when you don’t claim one iota of responsibility for yourself.
Why am I saying something that will UNDOUBTEDLY ruffle feathers? Because when people choose to publicly and vehemently blame “the patriarchy” or “men” … or “thin women” or “fat people” or “celebrities” or “the fashion industry” for huge, hurtful, overwhelming issues, it makes me positively livid. Are these groups or institutions expected to somehow answer for their crimes, or change their evil ways due to mass righteous indignation? What could leveling blame in this manner possibly accomplish? OK, it might create a feeling of solidarity with those who feel similarly and bring closer together people who mutually hate thin women or the fashion industry or men. But then what?
Then you’ve got an “us against them” mentality, some potent anger, and, in most cases, no actionable items.
As I’ve said before, I understand anger. Anger is incredibly, incredibly important to galvanizing human action. But what interests me far more is what comes AFTER anger. So you’ve realized that the patriarchal institution has contributed to your narrow definition of beauty, and that your feelings of self-worth are tied to that definition. What’s your plan now? Who are you going to talk with to alleviate some of the internal pressure? What steps are you going to take to shift your views? What can you do to make yourself feel better? Does it involve anyone else besides yourself? Who? How will you engage them? How will you change your world? Or even, how will you change THE world?
I believe that someone who is both complicit and complaining is contributing. And that internalizing anger at the patriarchy – becoming bitter and unhappy in the thickness of silence – is exactly what the patriarchy wants women to do. A quietly furious but essentially unmoving woman is as much a minion of the patriarchy as an complicit man: Neither is doing anything to enact change or better the situation.
When my fury at the patriarchy begins to rise, I do not spout verbal vitriol here on the blog, in person, or to anyone who will listen and without any intention of backing up my words with actions. I take thoughtful action to alleviate it. And “thoughtful action” doesn’t mean an angry public protest, or spitting in the face of an oppressive and disrespectful male boss, or lighting a pile of “Maxim” magazines on fire. Internally, I look to journaling, drawing, talking with close friends and family members, anything that transforms the angering issues into handle-able form. Externally, I look to debate, artistic acts, writing letters to editors, volunteering, joining or donating to activist groups, public speaking, anything that allows me to express myself, engage like minds, and feel effective. Especially when it comes to my anger over the patriarchy’s influence on body image, weight-related hang-ups, and concepts of femininity, I feel that any number of small actions can help me quench that fire.
And my personal steps may seem inconsequential or ineffective or feeble to some. But while I know that the actions I take will NOT undo hundreds of years of patriarchal oppression, I also know that the actions I take will reconfigure how I personally feel about and deal with the patriarchy. In my experience dealing with conflict, attempts to change my opponent may fail, but changing how I deal with my opponent can transform my situation for the better. The more engaged I become, the less inclined I feel to complain. The more level-headed and active I am, the less oppressed I feel.
When I hear people say, “It’s the fucking patriarchy, I tell ya. They’re keeping us down,” I think, “OK, fine. But what are you doing to lift YOURSELF up?”
What about you? Do you disagree, and feel that patriarchal oppression is perpetrated by men exclusively? All men? All the time? Do you feel that vocal anger without action is totally valid as a means of personal expression? Do you feel that it’s valid to a point, but eventually devolves into carping? When you feel angry at an institution – like the patriarchy or the fashion industry – what do you do to alleviate that anger? How does the patriarchy affect you personally? Do you think that change on a more global level – as opposed to smaller actions on a personal level – is possible and important? What can we do to create that change?
Please read kristophine’s response to the above post. It is, in every way, superior to the material that inspired it.
Also see this recent post on femininity and athleticism for a fabulously intense discussion that touches on some of these topics.
Image courtesy jonathan mcintosh.
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{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
Amen, sister A-FREAKING-MEN. I'm a student, which is liberal central, and I'm tired of listening to "feminists" complain about how all men are ruining their lives. I hate even calling them feminists. This is such a complicated issue, but I can't say anything intelligent at 8:30 AM.
Well said Sal! I completely agree that patriarchy as an system is more than the collective of men. It is an organisation in which the gender roles of both women and men are seen as prescriptive and limited due to certain traits seen as inherent in both genders. Of course, men do hold greater amounts of power in society and many people including women benefit from the system of patriarchy, and of course, patriarchy encourages women to oppress one another using tactics of bitching, gossiping and exclusion. Furthermore, it is more frequently women rather men who criticise other women for rejecting the norms of patriarchy.
I also agree that we who criticise patriarchy should also examine our own role and our actions within patriarchy, question our relations vis-a-vis other women, men and the institutions, norms, values and culture which comprise patriarchy.
Patriarchy has definitely contributed to how we percieve femininity, beauty, shape, etc., as well as affecting the opportunities available to us as well… but it is up to us to either challenge it with actions.]
Blind hatred will take us nowhere but it is only the small actions which can make a difference. I have seen many examples of this in my own life.
I am a member of a university cycling club which never really had that many women as members. The only other active woman in the club gave me so much hassle when I joined as she thought I was encroaching on her space and only wanted attention from the guys in the club. Thankfully she left that year and I began to think about what would attract and help retain female members and the first solution was to create an atmosphere in which women would be welcomed and not treated in the way I was. A simple change made by one small choice…
I also see this in style blogging in which fashion styles are often renegotiated by women, femininity and androgyny are both celebrated, personal experience and opinions are welcomed, and most importantly there are discussions like this!
Great post!
I have always found this a complicated issue. As a happily married woman and a mother a wonderful son, I hesitate to fall back on the ït's the patriarchy"wagon. I am really bothered by a lot of the vitriol that is thrown at the feet of men by feminists. Creating a matriarchy were women on top and men are put down is not a step forward, that is only flip-flopping one oppressive institution for another. I generally feel that if someone is making you feel crappy, then dealing with that human being on a one to one level is the way to approach it, not general mass declarations of ït's all mens'fault"." This is just my opinion for today.
Patricia
Of course it's not only a collective of men who contribute to the pervasiveness of patriarchal institutions in our world. There are plenty of self-loathing, misogynist women out there, as well as women who are feminists, but are complicit in accidental or indirect ways. I don't blame men exclusively, but I am aware of the fact that I'm still playing in a system that favors white men as an end result. Because let's face it, at least in the US, issues of race are entwined with this.
I recently read a blog post that made me hopping mad about how women don't self-promote and are not good "con artists" as compared to men. Thus, men are better equipped to sell themselves to potential bosses and colleagues. There are a number of issues with such a blanket generalization, including the fact that both men and women tend to perceive women who are too aggressive in promoting their work negatively. This is connected to Dawn's comment about women using exclusion and other tactics to oppress each other and criticizing each other for rejecting patriarchal norms.
Interesting post, Sal!
Gillian: Indeed. Being a feminist doesn't require one to hate men, in my opinion.
Dawn: I completely agree about blind hatred, and I see it so often and concerning so many issues. When something is so infuriating and overwhelming, I understand the urge to let rage take over. But personally, I feel so much more effective when I actually DO something about my rage. Also, thank you for sharing your story about the cycling club. And I'm thrilled to hear that you've taken steps to make the group more welcoming to other female members – AWESOMENESS.
Anon/Patricia: Isn't it interesting that people are often drawn to total reversals? To thinking that creating a matriarchy would be better than the patriarchy? I agree that, in so many cases, flip-flopping power completely is far from wise and will present different but equally troubling issues.
La Historiadora de Moda: That post would've really frosted my cake, too. Anything that tells women to "just act more like men" generally does. Just because one behavior is effective doesn't mean it's the ONLY behavior that will EVER be effective.
Way to go, Sal! I really enjoyed this post.
Patricia: I appreciate what you said and agree that this is the bad rep that feminists often get, but the true philosophy of feminism is not a philosophy that hates men, but an all-inclusive view of both sexes where all are equal. If women are going to call themselves feminist, the correct definition needs to be reiterate by smart women everywhere (like the ones reading this blog!). To be a feminist does not mean you are a man-hating militant bent on promoting a matriarchy (which has all of the inherent problems of a patriarchy); it means that you want equal rights for all. Women often shy away from what the label of 'feminist' has devolved into because the harsh images associated with it, which is a shame! As so often occurs, the few radicals of a movement get more attention and unfairly taint the rest of the participants.
Sal, THIS is why I love your blog so much. (That and the title makes me think (you're)Already Pretty every time I read it). I think I implicitly addressed this notion in my Identity post http://lawschoolfashionista.blogspot.com/2010/01/identity.html, but thinking about it in hindsight, I kind of wish I had addressed the issue of patriarchy more directly in that post. Essentially the legal profession is based on patriarchy and both men and women are guilty of letting it continue that way. Whilst I understand the need to fit in with your colleagues, it is the responsibility of BOTH men and women, especially the young ones entering the profession now, to change the status quo.
LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!
this is my newest favorite quote:
When I hear people say, “It’s the fucking patriarchy (insert any instution here!), I tell ya. They’re keeping us down,” I think, "OK, fine. But what are you doing to lift YOURSELF up?"
Then you’ve got an "us against them" mentality, some potent anger, and, in most cases, no actionable items.
If someone has an "us against them" mentality and potent anger, maybe now is not the time to encourage them to put actionable items on their agenda.
Seriously, though, I find it helpful to sit with my anger for a while, to really feel it, to struggle with it, to hang out with others who feel similarly angry and discuss the roots of why we're angry. Making up my mind too quickly about what will relieve my angry feelings, and rushing off to do whatever comes after anger, tends to lead to shallow, temporary results. I may not feel angry anymore, but nothing has changed.
Actions that lead to real change tend to be things I can only even think of after weeks or months of struggling to get clarity on what it is I really want. I like your term "thoughtful action" — I find that a lot of thought is required to find the appropriate action that leads to improvement not just in my mood but also in the world.
I think it's important to remember that in lots of circles the term "patriarchy" will be met with blank stares (or misunderstanding). I think a lot of times when people bemoan the patriarchy, it's equal parts "effing system that makes me complicit in my own oppression" and "ARE YOU SEEING THIS?". There's an element of mutual recognition that feels like it's lacking in the world sometimes and that can be so frustrating. I agree that within academic (or otherwise politically aware) circles, hating on the patriarchy can turn into a kind of useless drone, but sometimes the act of pointing it out DOES serve an active function in highlighting and labelling behaviour/institutional structures/etc. which are just considered normal or natural. A lot of the ordering systems of our society work by obscuring the fact that they're even working and drawing attention to that can be a really valuable end in itself.
text machine: That is an EXCELLENT point, and well said. The patriarchy wouldn't have maintained so much power for so long if it weren't capable of obscuring its inner workings. And while I am frustrated by endless diatribes about the evil patriarchy that end in inaction, it’s quite true that if no one spoke up at all, ever, change wouldn’t even be CONCEPTUALIZED, much less enacted.
Excellent, excellent post. I will read it again later and think about it – now I'm off to yoga.
Just a couple of quick thoughts: Anyone that thinks feminism is about hating/blaming men is not a feminist. You can recognise that society is organised to benefit men whithout wanting to put yourself in the men's place. Feminism is about creating a society where gender roles aren't so entrenched and where power isn't connected to gender. That would be overcoming patriarchy.
Secondly, we are part of the society that oppresses us. We have to recognise that so that we can act in a way that doesn't reproduce the systems of oprression. And anger is a pretty good driver for that. As long as it is channelled into action and positive change. Which is what I think you are saying.
Very well said. And a reminder that I can rail, I can rally, but in the end, I am only capable of changing how *I* act, how I think, and change by example.
I recently attended the Men's Story Project, dealing with how patriarchy affects all genders. Thought you might find it interesting: http://rebeccasnavely.blogspot.com/2010/01/i-love-men-redefining-what-masculine.html
"When I hear people say, 'It’s the fucking patriarchy, I tell ya. They’re keeping us down,'"
Really? You hear women still saying this? I haven't heard anyone say this since 1994, at a Take Back The Night rally. Maybe its because you work in an academic setting, but in my experience most women are too busy working, raising families and doing things to talk about The Patriarchy.
"… So you’ve realized that the patriarchal institution has contributed to your narrow definition of beauty, and that your feelings of self-worth are tied to that definition. What’s your plan now? "
I love it! viva la revolution! Well said, pretty girl!
I lovelovelove this post for how it encourages action on an individual level, and through it, a person can achieve a healthier outlook and resist negative patriarchal norms.
Women (sometimes) feed into the patriarchy by acting as they're "supposed to", according to patriarchal expectations. But are we socialized this way or is it due to inherent differences across gender?
I believe, much to the chagrin of some feminists, that men and women are inherently different (biologically and hormonally), with different curves ranging from "masculine" and "feminine". Those curves, however (and this is crucial), overlap significantly, meaning that most men and women are similar in representing a blend of these attributes. Most men are like most women, therefore women shouldn't play into the false expectations some men have of us. And alternatively men should be taught not to expect women to act differently than themselves, according the design of the male interpretation of the world. This view works BOTH ways.
This view also lets you allow for differences across gender while maintaining that equality doesn't mean a cookie cutter ideal for males or females (and everyone in between).
This has all been so interesting to read, both the original post and the responses.
I'm with Amy about feminism not being against men, and also others statements about women being complicit. I am old enough to know that feminism helped young women have the opportunities that previously women didn't have available to them in many arenas.
In a personal vein, I was stuck in a marriage to a sexist bully for many years, and only came to a place where I felt empowered to leave when I realized I had tacitly agreed to the way things were.
I worked very hard to make sure my son was a confident, kind hearted and deep spiritual guy, who didn't stuff down his appreciation of the arts, and my daughter to become a strong confident empowered woman who appreciates her "different" beauty and keeps sight of her kind heart, and had faith her unique artistic career choices. I guess my way of changing the status quo was to raise children who didn't fall into the same old paradigm.
I really appreciate all of you who are speaking out about this important and complex topic!
~Madeline
sal, you've done it again!!
the differentiation between a system of oppression and men themselves is an important one that so often gets overlooked. while it is certainly frustrating when people blame an institution–one that cannot answer for its sins–it's wonderful that something like "patriarchy" is so fluid, and constantly changing. this means that your blog–well-read, passionately-written, and deeply important–actually starts to hack away at some of these issues.
I'm going to have to read this post again when I'm more mentally sharp because I don't think I got the correct impression from it. It seemed to me to be saying that women who speak up are just whining and blaming others, when they should just be quiet and channel their anger in more ladylike ways like journaling. And I doubt that's actually what Sal meant. But this post didn't sit right with me. I feel like right now we need more people encouraging women to speak up, not suggestions that they're lacking personal responsibility when they do.
It may be that Sal's experience very much differs from my own. Honestly, I have yet to see anyone online or in person who is playing the victim role, blaming "The Man" for keeping them down on this issue. In fact, I see far too FEW women bothering to even speak up or notice an inherent sexist practice. And I see far too many articles and comments that instantly accuse women of being man-haters if they speak up at all, negating any actual discussion with knee-jerk polarization.
Women are constantly being berated and ridiculed for simply trying to point out an inequity, more so if they try to actually do something about it. Honestly those that *are* speaking up (such as the numerous people who wrote protesting the recent NY Times body-bashing after the Golden Globes) are simply trying to hold individuals to task for sexist behavior, not shirking their own responsibility.
I have to agree with Anonymous:
"When I hear people say, 'It’s the fucking patriarchy, I tell ya. They’re keeping us down,'"
Really? You hear women still saying this? I haven't heard anyone say this since 1994, at a Take Back The Night rally. Maybe its because you work in an academic setting, but in my experience most women are too busy working, raising families and doing things to talk about The Patriarchy.
…I'll go a step further and say that in the past 5-7 years it's sadly become out of fashion to even display the slightest feminist leanings, let alone mention something like patriarchal bias or complications. For those few women who do find time outside of juggling all major life responsibilities to note gender inequality, feminism has become an ugly word.
It's like in the past few years we've suddenly fallen back to the 50s or 60s. More and more and more I'm encountering women who don't even want to use the word feminism — and I don't mean they have an ideological issue with the term such as wanting to be considered a humanist instead; I mean they think it's such a negative thing to be a feminist, that they'd rather be called a c*nt instead. That's no exaggeration.
I've seen no trend of blaming someone else for the issues. The problem as I see is the opposite: blaming women for daring to speak up and not just accepting sexism, as a way for those who are perpetrating sexism to avoid responsibility.
A friend of mine named her first child using *her* last name. Her husband's last name doesn't show up anywhere, no middle name, hyphenation or anything.
Despite the fact that I did not change my name when I married, my children are legally identified with my husband's last name, and my name doesn't appear anywhere.
This notion of supporting the patriarchy came to mind here, because my (internal only) reaction to my friend's choice was not a positive one. And also that I willingly let my children be named as my husband's but not mine…
Good topic.
Erratic & Obsessive: I am in no way issuing a gag order or suggesting that women internalize anger over the patriarchy instead of doing anything about it. On the contrary, I am saying, "If you're mad, don't just yell – yell and take action." As is the case with so many issues, I want to encourage people to channel their feelings into action instead of suffocating under their own frustration. And while speaking up is an important first step, if it becomes nothing but angry rhetoric with no action to back it, how will it change the world?
Furthermore, I suggested journaling because it’s a positive, active step that helps ME process. Especially as pertains to issues of body image, weight, and other deeply personal issues, writing is a part of processing and processing is a precursor to action. I’d rather do something “ladylike” and journal about how issues on this scale make me feel than start hurling accusations publicly without taking the time to frame my thoughts and make a plan of action.
I think that the man-hating accusations you refer to are the precise reason why women don't want to call themselves feminists in the present day. As has already been pointed out here, it’s the extremists who become the public face for any political movement, and the man-hating feminists are the ones that people imagine when they hear the word. And that is a crying shame because feminism is NOT about hatred, it is about equality.
As for not hearing anyone speak against the patriarchy since the early 90s, and women being too busy to think about such things, I assure you that I’m not concocting this issue for my own entertainment. I may not have heard the exact phrase “the patriarchy is keeping us down,” but in comments on this blog and others (mainly body image and Fat Acceptance, but a few others as well) I have heard a man-centric blame game that struck me as quite dangerous. Especially since many believe “patriarchy” and “men” to be synonyms, when they are not. Just as a man can be a feminist, a woman can feed into the patriarchy.
Again, I would never in a million years tell women to shut up and suck it up, ESPECIALLY when it comes to matters of equality. But I believe that there’s discussion and then there’s yelling into a well. There’s rhetoric and then there’s aimless rage. And while it can be hard to draw the line, my goal is to urge anyone with any anger at all to harness it. Because it feels better to be angry and act than to simply be angry. At least, in my experience.
Nice post! This is a little OT but when you said "think about your role" it made me think of the issue of women working together that I wrote about here: http://wendybrandes.com/blog/2007/12/self-fulfilling-prophecy/
As I make it clear in that post, I am aggravated by women who tell me they hate working with other women because other women do this that and the other horrible thing to them. I always point out to women who say that that if they are approaching other women with that attitude that it will be palpable and they will bring about all the behavior they fear, because that's how people act when you're negative towards them. I've had GREAT experiences working with women in part, I think, because I approach them without a feeling of loathing.
To bring this back to the patriarchy (maybe), I've had two memorable bad experiences working with women…and too many with men to count. So there, bitches.
I hate to get off subject, but what is the picture accompanying this blog post suppose to represent? I've stared at it for a solid two minutes and can't figure it out.
Sal, why is journaling anger "acting" when blogging anger isn't? It seems to me that blogging anger has far more of an effect on the world outside your skull than journaling it (for instance: raising awareness, starting conversation, engaging cross-blog debate etc) so if one of them is more of a potentially constructive action step than another it would surely be blogging? I am very interested by your post and agree with a lot of it but I rather stumble on this.
I agree with E&O about the tendencies she sees — not necessarily on blogs, where I see the same tendencies you do, Sal, but out in the world. I have not had a student in years who wanted to self-identify as a feminist, lest she be thought militant and a man-hater. Many of my students have been told all their lives that they can do anything, are equal to anyone, and are special; what will they do when they bump into the glass ceiling? They won't know what to do with that anger, or that the patriarchy deserves to be its target.
So I read W.E.B. Du Bois and Martin Luther King and bell hooks and Adrienne Rich. I get the language I need and the ideas about what to do with injustice and anger. I look at myself and my world, and I do what I can.
Thanks for this great post.
And thanks for quoting me! What a total thrill!
Cedar: Hahaha. It's meant to mean "women shouldn't be allowed to touch the grill/BBQ." I looked for a long time for some visual illustration of misogyny and this as as close as I could get!
V: Ahhhh, I see what you mean. I didn't make that very clear.
So, I may journal to process my anger – write privately to sort out why I feel as I do and how I want to express it, before saying anything to anyone. It's active because it furthers the cause of transforming anger into action.
As is evidenced by this very post, I DO blog about issues that anger me, too. The blogging I was referring to as being less helpful – and I definitely didn't make this distinction in the body of the post – is straight-up ranting without any suggested actions, solutions, or even invitations for open discussion. Not the kind of post you see every day, but I have most definitely seen them, and on topics of every kind. People venting their vitriol just because they can.
As some folks have pointed out here, vocalizing anger is important to kick-starting action and change. And while I definitely rant in my real life – to friends, family, my husband – when I post here, I make sure to be more action-centered and community-minded. Especially if it's about a topic that angers me, I make a concerted effort to suggest actions or solutions and open the topic for discussion. Because venting my anger here – in a place where I am connecting with a group of women that I want to support and engage – seems a bit pointless to me. And when I come across posts that are straight-up rants where the author is just dumping rage into the ether, they rankle me.
A dear friend of mine has a tattoo on her wrist that says, "stop complaining" When I first saw it, I balked. I mean, we have to complain or we'd be stagnant. How can we make change if we don't vocalize our dismay? But when I talked with her about it, she explained that it was more about aimless complaining with no intent to make change. Stop complaining, start making your world better. And the blogging I was referring to was the kind that just articulated anger with no eye toward discussion, action, or change.
Thanks for making me clarify that. Definitely a muddy point.
V: Also, I hope I actually DID clarify, and not further muddy the waters!
gender roles of both women and men are seen as prescriptive and limited due to certain traits seen as inherent in both genders.
Susan Faludi wrote the very good but statistical-heavy Backlash about the backlash against feminism in the early 1990s. Her next book, Stiffed, was actually about the flip-side – how men are oppressed and hurt by the strict gender roles that we're all put into. She interviewed several sets of men for months, and really paints these intimidate descriptions of them. Fascinating stuff, and required reading for anyone who doesn't think men aren't hurt by the patriarchy as well. (Even those who benefit from it in other ways!)
Sal, as I said I'll have to re-read this when my brain is fully working, as I suspect I may have come away from your post with something different than your actual intent due to my being tired and not processing properly.
And I definitely wasn't trying to suggest that you had made up some scenario or were exaggerating regarding the number of people who blame others for their situation. I apologize if it came across that way. I was just pointing out that in addition to fatigue-related poor comprehension, perhaps the reason I felt contrary to your post is that my own experience with people both offline and online has been so very different.
The dominant view has been any woman who speaks up, even in simple self-defense when confronted with ugliness, is wrong — because "real women", "good women" don't make a fuss. If you speak up you're told that the problem lies with you because of your "personal issues," not that the individuals who are blatantly being disrespectful and sexist. *eye roll*
Along those lines I've found more and more women (particularly young women) associate ALL feminists with man-haters. They assume that is what the word means, literally. Their complete lack of knowledge or history on the subject that contributes to this view is wholly disheartening. It's not that they don't want to publicly announce they are feminists because they don't want to mistakenly be associated with the extremist, sexist man-hating feminists — they believe feminism is inherently a negative concept, that the word itself is bad. That only nasty, frigid, bitter, fat/ugly, uptight women are feminists. It's depressing as hell. And that's just the women, many men are worse.
I've encountered these views on really simple day-to-day issues, it's not as though the individuals were reacting to hot-button or militant issues. Even basic points of respect yield this same reaction. There have even been some news articles that suggest feminist = man haters so modern, nice little women understand that men are just stronger, smarter and more ambitious. It's been a growing, disturbing trend.
Which is not to say that your experience isn't also valid, simply that I have yet to encounter it myself so I'm coming at the issue from a different perspective.
Personally, I'm totally with you on the "If you're mad, don't just yell – yell and take action" thing.
For example, I think it's important for women to point out that a particular field is unfairly biased toward men, because this can bring the problem to light. However, I think it's more important for women in that field to say "how can I make an opportunity for myself? how can I create my own path to circumvent this? how can I mentor other women who are entering the field? how can I make more woman interested in the field?"
Action is really important or we're complicit in the problem, as several people have mentioned. And action can be little things like not allowing someone to treat you badly, or not behaving in a catty and attacking manner toward other women. The changes we make with ourselves and in our daily live has just as much impact.
I'm missing something here, maybe because I am not following the fat-acceptance blogs and am missing the context for this post.
I am 36, and unlike a lot of women my age, I have ALWAYS identified as a feminist.
But I do know that the right made feminism into a bad word as early as the 80s. Susan Faludi's excellent book "Backlash" documents the many, many attacks against strong women throughout popular culture and politics, throughout the 80s, just as women were gaining real equal rights.
We live in a country which still does NOT guarantee equal rights for women! And yet we are raising our daughters to think that feminism is a dirty word.
I don't know these man-hating feminists. Can someone give me a link to them? Because I don't seem them in mainstream blogs.
But I do know that this post, which seems to have been inspired by some other blogs I don't read, has generated a lot of hating-on-women in the comments.
The patriarchy has won when women are furious at other women who are complaining. Women can be loud, bitchy, feminists. That doesn't mean they are not taking action in their personal lives to make the world a better place.
I am a feminist. And right now I see my most important job as a person, a mother, and as a feminist, to be to raise my sons as anti-homophobic feminists. And that's how the patriarchy will end–not by women screeching about other women.
I also go out of my way to support women in business; I try to use my consumer dollars to make the world a better place too.
Frankly, if you are mad at feminists, and you are focusing your frustration at them and not at the system, then the patriarchy gets another notch in its belt.
One important feminist mantra is that the personal is the political. That means that when your husband shares housework equally with you, you can thank feminists for that.
I can speak coherently on this issue. One of my biggest pet peeves is women criticizing women for vocalizing their opinions.
daisy: I am not mad at feminists. I am a feminist, and will declare myself as such even in the face of those who might perceive it as a dirty word. And I'd wager the vast majority of commenters here would, too.
And I disagree that the comments here are "hating on women" in the blanket, generalized, women-should-shut-the-hell-up-about-issues-that-affect-them way you have cited. To criticize women (or men, or both) for complaining loudly in an ongoing way instead of taking action is not the same as telling women (or men, or both) to stop voicing their opinions entirely. And to tell women that they can't criticize other women at all – even in the name of feminist solidarity strikes me as very dangerous.
Finally, no one here is screeching. That's exactly the point.
I started writing a response to this and realized it was getting waaaay too long, so I put it up on my blog, instead.
http://sciencefictionstyle.blogspot.com/2010/01/thoughts-on-patriarchy-from-social.html
Thanks once again for a brilliant post that sparked off an interesting discussion! I come up against this issue a lot, both in my immediate surroundings and within myself. It's encouraging to read others' opinions on this matter and realize they overlap substantially with my own!
Sal,you are right–no one is screeching. And in my closing line I meant I could NOT write coherently about this… obviously. What a thing to get wrong!
I re-read the comments and this is what threw me off:
From Gillian: "I'm tired of listening to "feminists" complain about how all men are ruining their lives."
Then Anonymous said this, "I am really bothered by a lot of the vitriol that is thrown at the feet of men by feminists. Creating a matriarchy were women on top and men are put down is not a step forward, that is only flip-flopping one oppressive institution for another."
Then, Sal, you said, "I think that the man-hating accusations you refer to are the precise reason why women don't want to call themselves feminists in the present day. As has already been pointed out here, it’s the extremists who become the public face for any political movement, and the man-hating feminists are the ones that people imagine when they hear the word."
I believe you that you guys are hearing this, but what I hear far more than this is right-wingers saying that this is what feminists say. Who are the extremist feminists in the modern world? Hillary Clinton?
Seriously, are there really calls for matriarchy in the mainstream? Where are these man-hating feminists who seem to be bothering other women so much?
I do think a lot of young women in their late teens and early 20s, who are just coming into understanding that some of the self-esteem issues they've faced growing up are actually part of a larger patriarchal culture, have a powerful awakening when they realize that their personal struggles are part of a larger, systemic system of oppression. And this can make some women incredibly angry. And rightly so. It's part of their efforts to begin to love themselves as they are.
Aw, thanks for the kind words.
daisy: Ahhh, I see! I can't speak for everyone, of course, but my experience wasn't encountering feminist LEADERS who preach man-hatred … it's just regular women who self-identify as feminists and vehemently blaming men, all men, for the injustices and inequalities that women still face.
The matriarchy thing, I think, is just a theory we were kicking around: That the patriarchy is utterly shitty, but should things swing 180 in the opposite direction, we'd face problems, too. I haven't heard public calls for a shift to matriarchy, either.
And although this may sound contradictory, I genuinely hope you're right about young women awakening to how the patriarchy has affected their personal body views. I hope they get angry, and I hope they take action to make change.
Thanks for coming back and weighing in again. And if you haven't, please read kristophine's response post. It is truly inspiring.
I'd like to give a big +100 to daisy's comments.
Particularly 2 remarks:
The first, about feminist leaders in our current time. When Hillary Clinton is seen as an extremist feminist I worry about the state of things.
The second, how insidious the anti-feminist tactics have been (whether that's the conservative right, or a social group, or a vocal cultural group). They've managed to distract women from important issues of fighting inequality and sexism by having women devote their energy to attacking each other instead.
Finally, I think another reason why women are either playing the blame game or condemning women attempting to embrace even minor elements of feminism is because so few people seem to know anything about feminism itself, or even what the term means.
and another big +100 to Sal for continually sparking such interesting discussion, whether it's on feminism or fashion.
"When I hear people say, “It’s the fucking patriarchy, I tell ya. They’re keeping us down,” I think, "OK, fine. But what are you doing to lift YOURSELF up?"
Kristophine made an excellent point in her response about "expectancy cost," and how pushing back against patriarchal norms is not socially neutral. I'm all for individual action, and whole-heartedly agree that chipping away, making personal decisions to do what's right for you rather than what's simply expected of you by nature of being a woman/a man/any one of many other socials labels we carry, but talking about that without talking about the environment in which we have to make those decisions loses a lot of the context. I appreciate your clarifications, Sal — I think I misinterpreted your initial post a bit.
I consider yelling an action — and I think blogging counts as yelling
I'm not saying don't do anything beyond yelling (see above), but yelling is important too. Yelling means that women and men who feel isolated or like they're the only one hurt by a comment or action or expectation realize that there's other people out there who're also hurt, and who understand where they're coming from. It's a lot easier to do something more tangible (or even to just yell) when you know there's other people who'll support you.
As for people blaming the patriarchy, I disagree with the thinking that that's blaming men (though sadly, that's how it's often interpreted, which makes it easily brushed aside and ignored). Yes, men benefit from patriarchy more than women, but it's more complicated than strict gender lines. Class, race, and sexuality in particular play big roles in the patriarchy, and it's difficult to disentangle any one of those factors from the others. Women are often complicit in upholding the patriarchy, because in doing that can help secure what power they do have, even if it's considerably less than the power of the men around them. Hierarchies of power, which pit people (men and women!) against each other to keep them from effectively toppling the power structure itself (and the people who have a particular vested interest in it being upheld, ie, those at the very top), are the issue — not tidy categories of people struggling under an oppressive system.
Er, that got a bit long. I'm so glad to see a discussion of patriarchy, though — it's all too rare.
I don't thing the patriarchy is responsible. I think society, both men and women, are responsible. Galvanized by that area of society that has financial interests in promoting insecurity (corporations), but promoted by anyone who him or herself feels agressively insecure (individuals).
I used to be incredibly insecure about my body. My boobs weren't big enough. My stomach was huge. Until my mid-twenties, I was too ashamed to share these fears with anyone. When I did share, what did I discover? My ass and hips might be a bit too small, my hair too fine and bland, and my coloring a bit off. Issues that had never concerned me before, I was suddenly worrying about!
That's crazy! I'm a perfectly attractive, rather average looking female. I have my good points (slim, slender long legs, tall-looking) and I have my not so good points (fine hair, poofy stomach) and my perfectly middle-of-the-road points (my face in general, my average height and brown hair).
There's so much bile in society. Everything is commercialized. We have to find ourselves not good enough, otherwise we wouldn't buy products and services meant to improve our appearances. There are suggestions as to what constitutes not good enough, but these suggestions are so comprehensive and contradictory that nobody falls outside of their categorization.
Curvy? You're really just too fat; go on a diet. Here are some miracle products that can help. Slender? You're almost anorexic and besides men don't like women without some hips and ass. Too hairy? Buy all these products and wax and shave and bleach. Not hairy enough? Get hair extensions and fake fuller hair and buy make-up to accentuate your eyebrows and lashes. Too dark? Try going blonde. Too pale? Go tanning. Too tall? Wear flats and slouch to fit in. Too short? Buy five inch heels and kill your back that way instead. Small boobs? Get breast implants (like practically every Hollywood starlet) or at least buy several padded push-up bras. Large boobs? Try these bras to minimze size, and get breast reduction surgery if necessary (read about all the stars who've done it like Christina Ricci and Queen Latifah).
Yeah, if corporate America had its way, nobody anywhere would feel good about him or herself. We can't sell useless products to content individuals! Witness men getting more and more insecure about their appearances and more and more fussy about hair products and nails and the slimming nature of their clothes – areas that used to be the province of women. It's insane!
I'm so glad you're here, Sal. I like having a place where I can vent frustrations in the company of other women (I'd welcome men too) who have some clue where I'm coming from!
I know I'm a little late to comment on this post but something caught my eye when I was reading, and I feel like I should chime in (on Sal's encouragement!).
I noticed a somewhat nasty trend popping up in the comments (three that I could find). Sometimes even in the same post, some people would be complaining about blanket statements blaming the patriarchy for "keeping women down", and then turn around and blame "the right" for casting feminists as man-haters. That just seems strange to me. Yes, while there are certain conservative pundits who have been espousing those views (unfortunately), this is not the view of the majority of people, even those who listen to said pundits. It is so often a very vocal minority making the rest of us look bad, and I was a little upset that a few people don't realize that.
Just as the most extreme religious people ruin the image of Christianity or Islam for the majority, so too do the most vocal political voices set the tone for stereotypes and disguise the feelings of most people.
The point I'm trying to make here is that most conservatives do not think feminism is bad, just as the vast majority of Muslims have no interest in blowing up a plane, and as feminists rarely hate men. Please don't make the mistake of assuming that the loudest talkers are voicing the opinions of the masses!