I've always hated mirrors. And yes, hate is a strong word. And yes, I really mean "hate." Although I have come a long way in loving MYSELF, I still battle with loving my reflected image. I would rather look at a photograph of myself than look in a mirror. And here’s why:
While a photo gives me general impressions and big picture information, gazing into a mirror allows me all the time and anxiety I want to nitpick. In the bathroom at night, I’m all, "Gah, so many blackheads. And I am seriously overdue to bleach my ‘stache. Looks like I’ve added another wrinkle to the collection, and DAMN if my hair doesn’t look all Severus Snape today." In the bedroom as I get dressed, I’m all, "There’s no disguising THAT bulge. And maybe I should pick a longer hem so my weirdly droopy knees are masked. Oh, and something with sleeves so my keratosis pilaris doesn’t give anyone the fantods."
All things that no one but me would ever notice. All things that even I would never notice if I weren't facing my reflection.
But the worst? The gym. My gym has a walking track lined with floor-to-ceiling mirrors. Floor-to-ceiling mirrors in the weight room. The stretching room. The group fitness studios. MY REFLECTION IS EVERYWHERE. Which is hard enough for a mirror-phobe such as myself … but my friends, those mirrors are warped. And I don’t just mean a bit warped, these bad boys have fun-house aspirations. As in, if I am stretching my hamstrings while gazing at my reflection and suddenly appear to have gained an additional 50 pounds in my ass, all I have to do is shift 4 inches to the left and those 50 pounds vanish. As in, when HM and I are walking around the track to warm up it makes me miserable to be on the inside of the track because my oncoming reflection looks like a stumpy-legged mutant.
And this affects me long after I’ve left the gym. Which one of those is the real me? How the hell am I supposed to know what I look like when mirrors show me a thousand different versions of myself? Are my legs really stumpy? Is my ass really much larger than I think? Who flippin' knows?
And, of course, not all mirrors are warped. And, of course, I don’t spend HOURS trashing my reflection. It bubbles up occasionally, and I hush up those naysaying voices as best I can. But something occurred to me the other day as I watched my bulbous bum come trundling down the track, billowing and shrinking right before my eyes: I wish I could skip mirrors altogether and see myself through the eyes of the people who love me. I’d like that WAY MORE. What they say and how they gaze at me gives me a taste, but I would prefer to literally view my physical self as they view me. A mere 20 minutes of seeing myself from Husband Mike's perspective might transform my self-image for life. Viewing myself through my mom’s eyes? How amazing would THAT be? Seeing myself as my dear friend Tehilah does would be priceless.
They’re the most biased of people, and that’s why I’d want to see myself from their perspectives. While it might be interesting to get a glimpse through a total stranger’s eyes, I think I’d learn more from my loved ones. Because I'm curious about how I look to people who know me, inside and out. People who have known me for years, seen me shift bodily, might even have some idea why I wore that particular dress or where that belt came from. I know me and I love me, and I want to know and love me better and more. My body and personality are one integrated entity, and while some might argue that a stranger’s view would be more objective, I'm not interested in objective. I'm interested in complete.
Another reason why I'm going with biased parties is that I want to see the best of me. The wonderful things about myself that I will never identify no matter how hard I look because I don’t love me the same way that Mike, Mom, and T do. If I could see myself through their eyes, maybe that balloon-butted, blackhead-encrusted, droopy-kneed version of Professor Snape would vanish forever. And I’d see the real me every time I looked in the mirror.
But since I don't have the magic spell to make this possible, can't build the fantastical machine that'd dump me into someone else's viewpoint for a while, I try to summon up their love when I'm facing down the mirror. I don't do it every time because sometimes I'm exhausted or distracted and simply don't have the energy. And it doesn't work every time because sometimes I'm frazzled and overwhelmed and that's why I'm nitpicking my mirror image in the first place. But when it does work, it's a startlingly effective trick. Because Mom doesn't see blackheads, she sees my radiant eyes and beaming smile. HM doesn't see droopy knees, he sees the world's sexiest gams. T doesn't see a balloon butt, she sees the hard-won womanly figure of her longtime friend. When my reflection threatens to inundate me with bizarrely upsetting body details, I attempt to channel my loved ones and refocus on the big picture. The real me.
Would you like to see yourself through the eyes of your loved ones? If so, which ones and why? Would you be more interested in a stranger's perspective on your physical form? Why do you think that would be more valuable? Do you think downloading the actual thoughts and impressions of another person would have lasting impact on your self-image, or just be an interesting exercise? (The question is moot, of course, but I'm still curious!)
Image courtesy babymellowdee.
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34 comments:
Sal, this post brought tears, I'm not exactly sure why.
I'd not want to see me through mom's eyes, not at all.
Rather through loving husband's, longest friend's (Jan), and friend, Mary (who will sing "She's a Rainbow" to me anytime, anyplace).
You're beautiful!! :)
I would pay a lot more money for a mirror that let me see myself through the eyes of a loved one than for one of those uber-critical high powered magnifying mirrors that amplifies my flaws.
Hrm, funny, I have similar hatred for photographs. Unless they're snapped from a great angle, with me posed to show my good side and hide my saddlebags... ugh, I HATE photographs.
Still, I wouldn't want to know anyone's thoughts. My curiosity is not so strong that I'd risk the disappointment I'd feel if, say, my bf's true opinion of my body wasn't exactly what he says it is. I'll take the praise at face value and feel good in ignorance.
As I was reading this, it occurred to me that the things I have never felt self conscious about (hair, rump) are things that my mom always complimented me on. As a highly critical lady, she does dole out some vinegar with her honey so equally so, the things that I feel self-conscious about (my nose, how I look in glasses) are things that she has voiced dislike for. HM!!! Have you ever seen Maria Bamford's stand-up?? She has a bit where she says (in her mom's voice)-- "Honey, when you don't wear makeup, you look mentally ill." Not sure if I want to see myself with my mom's eyes!! Here's a Maria Bamford snack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcTBNY0hEaY
But more than the eyes of people who love me, I'd like to see myself with God's eyes. That way it'd be less about how I look, and more about my potential. Every person is a variant of the "person" archetype, and I do believe that each person (although I am really in no way religious) is a child of God and imbued with endless possibility. I think by viewing myself with "God's eyes", I'd see myself as loveable, able, worth rooting for, equal to all other people, valuable but unentitled, responsible for my own actions, but endlessly able to do the right thing.
fabulous post and insights! Grew up in a family who loved the mirror a little too much and married a man who barely looks in them, but looks at me and says nice things often. It's a great path to be on - much better than the opposite and moving away from security. I've even been known to leave the house in recent years without checking my rear end or wearing makeup. I don't recommend the no makeup part in general, but it was a milestone :)
Definitely would want to see through my husband's eyes -- I think he has a much more positive picture of me than I have of myself. And, right now (at 38 weeks pregnant), would want to see myself through the eyes of a woman who is having difficulty conceiving. I had some trouble getting pregnant myself, and it's amazing how quickly I was able to forget how stunningly gorgeous all those pregnant women seemed to me when all I wanted was to be one of them! At that point the pregnant body seemed lush and curvy, not heavy and unwieldy (the way it sometimes feels to live in it). And I wasn't thinking about cellulite or stretch marks, or about regaining my waistline after the baby came. I just wanted the baby to BE there at all. Amazing, how we zero in on little faults and forget to be grateful for the (literally) gigantic beauties and blessings...
Fascinating question. Hmmmm, in the end, I don't think I would. The point is that only my opinion matters, when I get right down to it. If I can't bring myself to accept myself for who and what I am, then I don't know that seeing myself through someone else's eyes would really have much of an impact. But I'm very self-directed. Opinions of others rarely sway me :-)
Sal, this is genius! What better way to fight your own inner hyper-critical self than to try channeling those people in your life that adore you? I would choose to see myself through my mother, girlfriend, and best childhood friend's eyes (guess I'm right there in line with you on my choices!).
I wouldn't want to see myself through a stranger's eyes because of all the judgment people carry around with them everyday... what if they did notice the bits that I'm self conscious about? What if their thoughts are inappropriate and make me feel uncomfortable and violated? With family and loved ones these harsh superficial judgments wouldn't be an issue because their love for me would quell any such thoughts.
(thanks for this fabulous post!)
What a fascinating notion! I think you've nailed it with husband, mom and best friend. I'd want to see that too.
Beautiful post. I'm surprised you feel that way about the mirror - it's not that I love the mirror, myself, but I think I look WAY better in the mirror than in photographs. Almost every photograph I've ever seen of myself makes me wail "Is THAT what I look like??"
Dear Professor Snape,
(*hahaha!* sry loved that!) do you remember that controversial "extreme" makeover show called "The Swan", where they gave the competing ladies as much plastic surgery, hair extensions, teeth veneers, anything and everything they wanted to change about how they looked...
...well part of the 'healing process' was that there were NO MIRRORS in their hotel rooms and places where they recovered from all that surgery.
Yeah, that was partually to keep the ladies from seeing themselves so disfigured after so much surgery...BUT...the upside of taking abreak from mirrors is that you are able to concentrate more on how you FEEL instead of getting sidetracked by the illusion of 'how you LOOK'...and it is all really an illusion. It's hard to see qualities like "charisma" and "compassion" in the mirror...
* ; )
ok, and: my word verification is SPERM, here...*heehee!* that just makes me laugh
It's funny, but the older I get, the less self-conscious I get around mirrors.
hhhm, funny. I don't mind mirrors at all, somehow I can always twist myself into an angle where I look pretty good. Some photographs, on the other hand, make me cringe in a big way.
I agree with K.Line that I don't really want to know what other think. It's all about being ok with oneself.
I don't necessarily think others think we look that great anyway, it's just that they don't actually think about/care what we look like. Like, I don't think my boyfriend looks at me and goes 'what a sexy bum' (or whatever), I imagine its more like 'this is Franca and I love her'.
I see what you mean... it's like when you've spent too long working on a paper or a painting or a dress... and you need to leave it for a few days to try to forget how intimately you know it, so you can try to see it with fresh eyes and see it for what it is. I have no idea how I look (or sound - can you tell I have issues with my deep voice?!?) to other people. I've grown up with myself, and in terms of daily exposure, I look at myself less than I am looking at my co-workers or friends. I don't know what I look like in motion and from odd angles that other people see all day - it's enough to make me nuts if I start to think about it!
P.S. What I also hate is reflections in glass doors - especially double doors... who is that stumpy little girl approaching the grocery store - oh dang, it's me... I'm not THAT stumpy am I?!?! It's the pits.
yes and no. When I think of my friends, I have to admit that we all have our moments of shining glory, but mostly we're just a bunch of ordinary-looking folks. But you know what? I don't flippin' care. When I thought about your question, I thought about a friend I haven't seen in a couple years that I miss a lot. If she were to walk in this room right now, I really doubt I'd even notice anything about her body. It's her mind and her heart that I want to be with. Knowing my own body insecurities, I recognize that this isn't the most comforting kind of reassurance to offer someone with fragile body-image, and I don't know what to say there. But I didn't choose my friends for their looks; I was drawn to each and every one of them because they were damned interesting people, with big ideas, big dreams and big hearts. And their beauty, to me, has very little to do with the outside.
It would definitely be awesome to see how the people who love me see me. My mom and I were having a conversation this weekend and she was saying how plain she thinks she looks - even AFTER a complete stranger made the point to tell her how pretty she was just the day before. I hate that and I wish she could step outside of herself and realize how beautiful she is.
So anyway, it would be nice to see how people who love me see me...if it's good, of course ;-)
Interesting ... I too prefer mirrors to photos. If a photo has caught me at a bad angle / pulling a funny expression, there's nothing I can do about it - whereas in the mirror, I can step back / change position until I look good!
I'd be curious to see myself through my husband's eyes, and through the eyes of about 8 different friends - but only for about 10 seconds apiece. Then I could be curious, but they wouldn't have much time to nitpick (my friends are not people who notice appearance particularly, so aren't likely to immediately have lots of criticisms).
I am generally friendly with mirrors but not with cameras. My sister and I say that we have reverse anorexia. We look in the mirror and think we look GREAT but in reality we're all jacked-up. Sometimes there is photographic evidence of this, much to our dismay.
In the mirror, I look like a delightful mix of Sophia Loren and Linda Evangelista, but the camera somehow fails to capture that extreme beauty. Sigh.
Sal, This is really an interesting post and an idea I hadn't considered. I honestly used to feel the same way about 'seeing myself' ...when we bought our tiny house, there were mirrors EVERYWHERE and my first thought was "Get them out!" But we never took them down, and after five years there I'm used to seeing myself. I want to, actually, and feel annoyed when I go places without mirrors.
That realization made me wonder, could I possibly be that vain? The answer seems to be that maybe I'm just more accepting of myself now. Far from perfect, but still pretty good. :)
Hi Sally-
I think you crawled into my head and read my mind. I could so relate to this post!
I found you via Belette Rouge and am so glad I did!
PS You are pretty :-)
I would love a mirror that lets you see yourself the way those you love see you. Sometimes, what we perceive as our physical "flaws" are actually the favorite features for our significant other.
Oh man, you just reminded me of the time I foolishly agreed to take a Cardio Hip Hop class with a friend of mine at the gym. Why, oh why, did they have to have mirrors?? I really never needed to know that I am so very... white.
I'm with several of the other commenters... I have a MUCH better relationship with mirrors than I do with cameras, though there are times when I haven't really done anything with my appearance that day and I just can't bear to see the mirror (or the camera, really).
I don't know if I would want to know what others think of my appearance, especially my loved ones, because I don't think I could take it if their thoughts were not favorable. I KNOW they love the inside of me, but I actually think I love MYSELF (on the outside) more than they do. They don't know how hard I might have worked to get myself looking this way. Also, those who love me the most are usually those who see me fairly regularly, so I think they probably take my appearance for granted or don't notice if there is a change in my figure.
Still, you have a good thought there. I agree with Elissa about wanting to see myself through God's eyes. Not only is there unconditional love, but God would know how I fit into the big picture, and I think there is much beauty in that.
I have this feeling about mirrors a lot, but I try not to voice it because my almost nine year old daughter, who is gorgeous, is frequently told she looks just like me (who is not gorgeous.) I don't want her learning those negative thoughts from me, much less from someone she is purported to resemble.
This was beautiful and has already lifted my down spirits today.. thank you
I don't mind mirrors, but I actually started doing outfit posts to help get myself over my phobia of having pictures of just myself taken. It's helped a lot, but I still find myself being much more judgmental about myself than I am with others. If I could, I'd like to see myself through the eyes of my fiance, my beagle, and my best amiga.
What a wonderful, honest and uplifting post. It would be nice to see myself through the eyes of others---particularly those of my kind and loving fiance. I think I would feel quite a bit better about myself then! I'll have to keep this in mind. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
XXXX Kate
I have the opposite problem with reflective surfaces. To the point of walking into things and forgetting what I was doing. See, photos of me aren't great, cause I find I look best in motion.
I have to say, although I don't have a very good body image, I don't seem to mind mirrors. I don't think I'm very nit-picky - so mirrors don't bother me. I think mirrors also seem to reassure me that I don't look as bad as I always *think* I do and that it's more in my head than reality.
You couldn't pay me enough money to have to see myself through other people's eyes. I would be heartbroken if I found out that my husband loved me, but really wasn't that attracted to me physically. Or that my friends noticed my imperfections. Ignorance is bliss on that one, I think!
-Amy
Gosh mirrors are a pain because they do distort but sometimes they are useful. I know what you mean about gym ones - I always look like a hefer in them but actually I'm not so I ignore the message of the reflection and just use it to check my posture!
I think it would be amazing to see oneself through others eyes.
I'm with those who prefer mirrors to photos--in the mirror I instinctively squirm around for an angle that looks good, whereas the camera invariable preserves the one that looks bad. I have heard that one reason so many people hate photos of themselves is that we're used to seeing our image reversed in the mirror, so the un-reversed image is not what we're expecting. But my relationship with the mirror also benefits from my lousy eyesight. There are times when I've thought, "Wow, my skin is looking rather nice! I should buy more of that face cream or whatever!" only to realize that my glasses were covered with tiny scratches that created a flattering blur!
I might be a little scared to see myself through someone else's eyes no matter how much they loved me.
Dang it, and I thought I was the only one who faced distorted mirrors... My vanity mirror shows nicely rounded thighs, but as soon as I make a quarter turn into my full-length mirror, they look gigantic. hmmmm... which one to believe? I'm right up there with you...
What an amazing post. I am in the more comfortable with mirrors than photographs camp...and I'm not sure that I would really want to see myself through others' eyes, but rather just remind myself that my mom thinks I'm amazing, my boyfriend thinks I'm lovely and sexy, and so do my friends...nice things to think about on a rainy afternoon, thank you!
ps came here through mimismartypants
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