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Lovely reader Bethany dropped this thought-provoking e-mail into my inbox a few weeks back:
Now that I can look in the mirror and not hate my reflection or focus on every flaw, I almost feel a little self conscious for thinking I am beautiful. It feels right to focus on flaws and try to improve. It feels uncomfortable to approve of myself, like I've become narcissistic. When people say I look nice it feels vain to just say thank you, and agree with them. I'm wondering if other people feel the same way, and so we settle back into our body loathing because it is more comfortable?
As I told Bethany, I know for certain that ours is a CULTURE of self-hatred, and I've had women write to me to say that they fabricate body image woes just so they can fit in with their less-confident friends. As for women who have reversed their self-loathing and feel suddenly narcissistic, I'm not as sure. I can certainly see how it might present a mental and emotional conundrum ...
Are you self-conscious about self-love? Do you worry that simply accepting compliments will make you appear vain or arrogant? On a more personal/private level, does it seem unnatural to look in the mirror and feel pride and affection for your own reflection?
As someone who spent years sunk to my armpits in the quagmire of self-loathing, I still have days when I scowl at myself and doubt and nitpick. But I am generally in a place of healthy self-love and acceptance and I feel acute relief that I can love my reflection unabashedly.
I'm very interested to hear how you all feel ...
November 10, 2009
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44 comments:
I have definitely come around to really liking the way I look, which is such a relief and a better, healthier way to live than the self-hatred and negativity I had towards myself when I was younger (teens and early 20s...someone should tell "the kids" the secret that getting older has FABULOUS perks!). I've always liked my face and even felt self-conscious or ashamed/narcissistic for that in the past, while harboring a lot of self-loathing for my "figure flaws", which were mainly "figure variations", as I now see it.
I'm also much more physically fit and confident in my body's ability to DO things thanks to sports and activity and physical labor and eating well. I was never fat, but I have been slightly overweight and out of shape, and I feel soooo much better being at my "fighting weight" and very active. I like how I feel and thus I like how I look a lot better.
I think some of it is also finding and settling into a personal style that really fits me, my body, my personality, my lifestyle :)
Long ago, I used to look in the mirror and not like what I see, I was way too skinny and in our culture in the Caribbean skinny is not really pretty. Now that I have 2 children, I have become more confident and I love myself , I try to take good care of myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I am happy with what I see. I get complimented a lot of times , that is one thing though that sometimes makes me feel a bit akward though cause I am not used to it.
I think that the fact that I go back and forth on this makes the "yay me" times unhampered by guiilt. I know that the negative thoughts are right around the corner, so I just revel in the self love while it lasts.
It would be great to be 100% confident and pleased with my looks at all times - but I'm happy enough with what I do seem to allow myself. And honestly - I'm too busy to dwell on the rest like I did when I was younger and had more time on my hands.
You would think that age would make things worse, but I've experienced the opposite effect. Now that I see those lines on my face that won't go away no matter how much miracle cream I slather on, I've started to appreciate the youth associated with the age I am. And that's given me less time to obsess over cellulite.
AND the new context takes off a bit of the pressure. I look really good for a mother of three pushing 40. And I'm pretty proud of that.
Getting older is (or "can be" if you let it) freeing. You're allowed to have flaws and your life experience gives you far more interesting qualities than perfect skin and a flat stomach.
I can totally relate to Bethany! I am afraid if I too readily accept a compliment then I don't seem humble. So I usually refocus the compliment away from myself on to the piece of clothing. For example... someone says "wow, you look great in that blouse!" I respond with, "Thanks! It was such a great deal, I got it at Target." Or something like that.... it's such a bad habit! Because then I am also afraid I sound like one of those annoying women that always comment about how much they spent on something. Ugh.... can't win!
Finally I'm at a stage of being able to give a warm smile and a sincere (and maybe a bit surprised) "thank you" when complimented. But I don't know what to do next. My gut tells me I'm supposed to give a compliment in return but I fear it will come off as forced or insincere.
Do I immediately say, "You too", or give a different compliment, such as, "I've always liked your hair" if complimented on having nice skin? It's easy to smile and say thanks. It's the moment after that makes me squirm.
You've had so many inspiring posts lately, so THANK YOU!!!
It's taken me awhile to accept my body and learn to love it, partly because of my physical disability, and partly because I lacked self-esteem. I'm finally on a path to self-acceptance now!
LOVE this post! I used to have a lot of issues with self-confidence, especially being a plus sized woman. It's hard to really love yourself when the world says that you can't be pretty because you aren't a size 2. But I love who I am and embrace it, and I'm not at all afraid to show it. Confidence and self-love are two of the most beautiful accessories that you should wear every day.
You know the answer that I'll give. SO UNCOMFORTABLE. It feels narcissistic, vain, and self-absorbed.
Self-acceptance? Most times.
Self-love? Working on that one.
I don't have a problem with thinking I look good or pretty. The real problem is that I don't think those things often enough.
I really don't think that if I was better at self-love, I'd feel narcissistic. For one thing, narcissism is an unconscious state, something a person is not aware of being. As long as we have a healthy love for ourselves and a healthy awareness of that love, then I don't see how it's narcissistic.
I'm not completely comfortable with it yet. Still feel a bit awkward accepting compliments, but I'm much better at it now than I used to be. Even my reluctance to sign off with my real name tells me that I'm worried people would think me vain. Absurd but it is what I feel!
I can totally relate. I think we are constantly being bombarded with mixed messages. For the longest time, I had a hard time accepting that I was attractive and that others would find me as such. I was never as thin as my other friends and I was always taller than most of them. While they would always say I was pretty, they were the ones that always got the attention of boys while I was the girl who was "like a sister". On top of that, I was raised in a religious community that encouraged girls to "look nice", however if a guy stares at you or thinks you are attractive or sexy, then it was sinful and you were under constant scrutiny. I am in my late 20s and I finally feel sexy and beautiful and have realized that there is nothing wrong with that. Once you accept that, you start to look at others in the same way, appreciating everyone's unique beauty. While before it was hard for me to accept compliments and even give compliments, now if I think a woman looks good, instead of secretly tearing her down in my head, I tell her she looks fabulous. It makes me feel even more beautiful to see someone else light up by giving them a compliment. My suggestion is that maybe if you start giving out compliments, it will feel more natural to accept them.
Spread the love, ladies!
-A different Bethany
I can take a compliment, but I prefer to give them.
It can be very complex for me. A few years ago I hated my body (seeing pictures from that time makes me wonder why I wasted so much time and energy on doing that). Now I like it, and sometimes I can think I look truly great when I see myself in a mirror - on the other hand, if someone shows me a picture of myself that I don't like (and that they say look "just like me") I can actually feel a form of panic, disliking it so much.
I like my body today, but I'm pretty fragile about it. If I gain a little bit of weight I can feel very stressed about it. I think all of this boils down to my issues with control - I need to feel like I'm in control of myself and the way I look.
Maybe I have a distorted image of myself and maybe I can be a bit too hard on myself as I change, but taking pictures of myself for my (very new) blog has been so rewarding - I can see myself in different lightning, different poses, colors and ultimatly see different sides of me.
And I've started to understand that one persons perception of me and how I look can be opposite to another person.
I use to have a big problem saying thank you when someone complimented me until I realized how uncomfortable it made me feel when I complimented someone else and they would say something like "oh, I look terrible in this". I felt my compliment or opinion wasn't valid. I would much rather hear a simple thank you than something negative and I wouldn't think they were vane at all.
It definitely a daily struggle...
As someone who was tortured as a child for being too hairy, too chubby, too pimply, etc, I can honestly say that at 23 I'm incredibly in love with myself.
It totally takes a lot of soul searching and self reflection, but eventually you realize trying to change yourself to conform to what everyone else sees as beautiful is a waste of time.
And the sexiest thing in the world is self confidence! I've learned that if you fake it long enough, you eventually start believing it! I tell myself I look hot every day :)
What Mindy said is a really good point - if nothing else, say 'Thank you' nicely to a compliment because that respects the person giving it to you, whereas if you contradict them you are saying that their opinion doesn't count.
Kendra - maybe as a bit of middle ground you could refocus it onto something non-price-related? For example: "You look great in that blouse!" "Thanks - it's a nice colour, isn't it?"
Partly as a result of reading this blog and partly as a result of just growing up, I feel a lot less uncomfortable with my body than I used to. Which makes me glad! Of course I still have moments of self-dislike, but I think I am coming to see those as aberrations and I can talk myself out of them. (Or just stop looking in the mirror.)
I also realized that since I won't ever get plastic surgery and actually change my face or body, there's no point in disliking my physical appearance. It's a waste of time and I need to stop NOW. (I know that sounds very cavalier but this is one of the self-mantras that has helped me out the most in overcoming body image problems. I thought I would throw it out there in case it helps anyone else.)
But my bigger problem is: how do you overcome dislike of parts of your personality? Sometimes I really dislike the type of person I am (too loud, too self-centered, too apologetic, too guilty), and that's a lot harder to talk myself out of. And I think feeling bad about my personality makes it seem to others like I feel bad about my body.
Do you have any pointers for self-love beyond your body??
Gotta say, people who can't accept compliments drive me mad! I think it's much more polite, charming and classy to say thank you when someone pays you a compliment. I don't think it makes one look vain or arrogant at all!
Anonymous: That's a big one, and a toughie. Do you wanna drop me a note at sally@alreadypretty.com? I'd be happy to chat more ... and will also try to cook up a post for later on.
I often feel a silly when I receive compliments on my clothing--because, really, yes, it is a cool sweater. That's why I bought it. But I didn't make it or anything. When given such compliments I usually say, "Yeah, isn't it a great color?" or "Value Village! $7!" instead of saying, "Thank you," which implies I had something to do with it.
I started getting serious about working out about a year ago--I'd always dabbled around with it, then got burnt out or too busy. But I got a few appointments with a personal trainer, received a grat weight lifting regimine, starting swimming and running, and did a triathalon over the summer. I feel great, and I took a lot better than I did before (and if anything, I've put on weight). So I do often get compliments on my body (not gross ones--more like, "You look great! You look so healthy!"), and I do except the compliment. Because I am proud of my body and what it can do. Not so much how it looks--that's not why I work out--but I recognize that it's a side effect.
Funny you should ask. JUST this morning I had a moment where I wanted to vocalize my self love and did not. I was in my own bedroom, with no one but my husband and dog, and as I slipped into my bra and underwear I caught a glimpse of my naked form in the mirror and thought “what a hottie”. But I choked back the words, because it seemed…inappropriate somehow? And then I spent a good long while wondering why it felt that way and why I had not vocalized my thoughts…
What intrigues me most about Bethany's email is how it conflates the need to self-improve with the existence of self-loathing. I mean, you can self-improve without hating yourself. Read a book to improve your mind, join a gym to rev up your cardio, buy a sweater because you think it brings out your eyes better than any other sweater you've come across before...anyways, just a thought. :-)
Kudos to Bethany for getting to a stage where she feels comfortable with herself and with compliments. If I were, I wouldn't worry about appearing vain to someone who gives her a compliment. Whenever someone accepts a compliment I give out with a gracious smile and a "Thank you," I always think of that person as confident and elegant, never arrogant.
I could see how someone would feel this way, but I don't. I have my fair share of nit-picky days when I look in the mirror and think my butt is starting to sag, or my boobs are too small, or I could stand to lose some flab off my gut or thighs, but mostly I look in the mirror and I can honestly say that I am hot stuff.
Do I feel bad about it or arrogant? Absolutely not! I'm lucky enough to have some wonderful friends who tell me I look amazing and are thrilled when I agree with them. It is confidence, not arrogance.
~ Jen
I guess I'm lucky here. I like compliments and I accept them - I might say something like "oh I'm trying out a new blush" or "I did my hair differently" or even "I'm so glad you think I look nice, I wasn't too sure about this outfit" but I rarely disagree with the person and tell them that I don't look good. It seems to me like that's rude - it's basically telling them that a) you don't believe they are telling the truth or b) their judgement isn't good enough to be able to say whether you look good or not.
Maybe it's vanity, but it doesn't feel unnatural or wrong to me at all to look in the mirror and like how I look. It's not a topic I'd bring up in conversation "hey guys, how HOT am I today?" but I'm not ashamed of it.
The advertising industry is here to make us feel bad about ourselves so that we'll buy a heap of products we don't need. That is the philosphy they work on - find the pain then provide the solution - even when there was no pain to start with.
Daily as I get in the shower I look myself in the eye and say to myself "I am beautiful" and the more I've done this, the easier it is to be more self accepting of my body as beautiful, even when I may compare myself to others and feel like I fall short (or wide!).
i have and do sometimes feel guilty but i feel even more guilty these days when i catch myself being mean to myself because i know i should be grateful for all my "blessings", good health, able body, legs that work, heart that beats, so i tell myself, you better appreicate yourself and your body and everything it does for you on a daily basis lest you lose it :)
I have to thank my mother for raising my sisters and me to love our bodies just the way we are. We pretty much run the gamut, I'm tall and skinny, one sister is short and curvy, the other muscular and average height. Although we have our sibling fights (who doesn't?) We all praise and love each other's bodies, and make sure to nip any backtalking in the bud.
I think it keeps me mentally sane, and reminds me that if you love your body it's certainly not narcissistic, your body is pretty incredible just the way it is, and we come in all shapes and sizes.
However, I do criticize MYSELF when I've forgotten to feed it, water it, and take it out for exercise.
speaking of which, my running shoes are calling to me :)
I actually just wrote about this subject on my blog last night. For me, changing my hair color recently was a difficult and freeing experience. Letting go of my feelings about faux blonde hair was a very healing moment. My ego, my self worth and my happiness were tied up in a bottle of bleach. Now, with a replica of my natural red hair color, I feel like I can really begin to live: without worrying about how men or other women see me as a so-called "blonde." I am working on creating a new definition of who I am, a definition that involves my intellectual, emotional and spiritual accomplishments. Thank you for a great post!
I'm not entirely sure how to word this, but I do and don't feel comfortable with self-love. In private, I usually love myself and don't feel too guilty about it. But once I'm around people I get really self-conscious about it, because I do feel like I'm being vain for liking myself, even a little bit.
I've been told extreme compliments (and I by far don't mean to brag when I say this..) such as "You're the hottest girl in this workplace" and it really, REALLY, makes me feel uncomfortable, because how do you respond to that, from multiple people? Firstly, I disagree because despite being a twig, I think plus sized people are absolutely beautiful. Secondly, in saying "Thank you!" I feel like its agreeing with my coworkers and that its not just a "thank you", but more of saying that I agree that I'm more attractive than all my female coworkers. Who wants to be around a person like that? How do you accept a compliment without seeming vain around other women?
Also a lot of my friends/coworkers/acquaintances think that because I'm a smaller girl, that I've never struggled with body image issues. I used to be afraid to walk down hallways at school because I felt like people were criticizing the way I walked (which I now realize is STUPID, I walk normal.), looked, everything! And now that I'm finally comfortable with my body, I'm sometimes ashamed to publicly show that I'm ok with it, because people think certain body types shouldn't have body issue problems. I believe all women of any shape, size, background etc have had some sort of insecurities.
Alsooo, I'm curious as to how everyone feels about vain people versus confident, comfortable people, and can you tell a difference?
By nature I'm very "up with people". I enjoy complimenting things/people I see that I like - and I enjoy receiving compliments. I don't feel it's narcissistic to do so. It's simply a pleasant affirmation that the efforts I make are noticed sometimes.
For a long time I hated myself, body and soul. It took me a long time to escape that. I still struggle with it sometimes. Physically, what it's come down to for me is that it's love, not vanity. When you're vain, you fish for compliments and when you get them, smugly reply "Oh, I know." When you're vain, you primp and spend hours stroking your own ego with your good looks. And when you're vain, your self-worth hinges on that beauty. Imagine to be vain and wake up with a zit. Catastrophe! Crisis! You are not the person you were yesterday! Anything but teh ugly!
I think I look pretty, but I am not vain. I think my body is beautiful, but I'm not vain. I love my body with all my heart. I love my round boobs and my curvy thighs and my soft skin and my lips, etc... but I'm not a better or worse person because of how "pretty" I look on a given day. My body is like my child or my lover -- I care for her deeply, powerfully, and I will always find her beautiful because of my deep emotional connection to her. It's not vanity to love yourself. I think vanity is actually more about self-hatred, because you care only about one aspect of yourself and devalue everything else.
that's a good question. It seems like society has a fine line between loving your self and being too vain!
i think i've always been overly self-conscious.. IRL anyways.. haha online i guess you wouldn't know it with all these posting outfit photos of myself, but it's like hiding behind something.. because not too many of my RL friends even check my blogs. so it's cool. haha
Bethany, I think we were separated at birth. Seriously! I actually had to think for a second to make sure I didn't write that in my sleep :)
It makes me feel less alone to hear that others feel this way, and it also gives me hope to hear that there are others who have beat the cycle! You ladies are absolutely amazing!!
If someone compliments me on how I look, (that my hair looks good or that they like something I am wearing), I have to admit, I often don`t really think of it as a compliment towards ME. If someone says, they like my hair, I might respond `thanks, I like it too`- almost like it isn`t something I have control over or ownership for. If they compliment my clothes, it`s not like I made them myself, so I`ll say `yah, it is a really noce colour- it was on sale at ____`. My appearance is only one aspect of who I am and it is something I try not to take too seriously. I wonder how I would respond if someone said something derogatory about my appearanceÉ
I'm so vain, I'll probably think this post is about me!
I am lucky enough to love myself probably about 60% of the time, so when i'm feelin' the love, i definately embrace it :) I definately don't feel guilty or vain when i think i look good, but perhaps that's just due to certain life expreiences/struggles i've dealt with.
I was thinking along those lines this morning when I posted yesterday's outfit. I agree that it feels a little bit weird to say- this is me, I may not be "perfect", but I'm happy and healthy, and damn I look good.
I've recently started to see a bit of a media push in that direction- (at least in Glamour), but I think that as weird as it sounds the fashion blog community is helping to start a tiny body image revolution. Finally, women can look beyond the fashion mags and stick thin models to see how real clothes look on real people. We can revel in the fabulousness of a variety of different sized ladies and be inspired to look amazing no matter what our size!
I have always been proud of how I look and how I present myself. I have been interested in clothes since toddlerhood! I love compliments from others. I find it really humorous and exillerating when a stranger compliments me - it's the best kind really. I've always enjoyed getting my picture taken and generally feel comfortable in my own skin.
There are days that I don't like how I look, but, in general, I am happy with and confident about my body and my appearance. When someone compliments me, I say thank you and move on. I don't compliment people unless I mean it, so I just assume that other people do the same.
All women should learn to accept compliments gracefully, without any self-deprecating remarks. My thoughts are: If someone says something nice to you, don't argue! It's not narcissistic to say "thanks."
I struggled for a long time to accept myself as I am and feel good about my body. A few years ago, I finally reached a good place and feel good about myself most of the time. Because I worked so hard for so long to feel good about myself, I definitely feel comfortable with it. Blessed, in fact to have reached this mental place, and proud of myself for working at it so hard and not giving up.
I do feel uncomfortable though expressing my self-acceptance to other people. I often feel like I should criticize myself to fit in, and when I don't, I worry that other women perceive me as vain.
I also worry that I'm going to alienate other women b/c I'm thin. I've often gotten the same impression that Chelsea mentioned, that women of certain body types aren't expected to have issues with their bodies. So when I did have issues about my body, I had trouble expressing them b/c I wasn't worried about being too fat and needing to loose weight, which seems to often dominate the self-hate conversations. Now that I'm more comfortable with myself and I don't engage in any kind of verbal self-criticism, I'm concerned that I might come across as stuck-up or conceited b/c I'm happy with my body. Like I'm worried that other women won't take seriously how hard it was for me b/c thin women aren't supposed to have body image issues.
So, I've accepted my body, but now I need to learn to accept that it's okay to express that and I need to trust that other women aren't going to be as judgmental of me as I'm afraid they will be. That it's my fears taking center stage here, not the actual feelings/behaviors of the women I come into contact with.
Great post, and great responses.
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