Last week, I said “I strongly believe that it is every woman’s responsibility to learn about her tastes, learn about her body shape, and learn how to flatter herself stylishly with clothes that she loves that will, in turn, help her to LOVE HERSELF.”
The astute and analytical editor replied, “hmmmm, responsible to whom? i consider style/fashion to be a hobby/interest, not a responsibility. i never judge people who don’t care and i don’t believe there is one way to look good, or an objective ‘good’ or flattering style for a person, which they have to achieve. no.”
Blogging is fantastic because I don’t just hurl my ideas into a void: I get thoughtful responses from people whose views I respect, and whose opinions challenge me. I responded to editor in the comments, but would like to expand on those ideas a bit here. I want to make sure I am being as clear as possible about my views, since this is a matter of some sensitivity!
I don’t believe there is one way to look good either. But I do believe that one can objectively determine if a color clashes with a complexion, if clothing fits too tightly or too loosely, if a garment hits a body in a deceptively unflattering way. And I believe it is every woman’s responsibility TO HERSELF to determine how to dress her own body well.
My personal experience and my conversations with women who share my views lead me to believe that there is a strong connection between looking good and feeling good. The cycle of self-loathing is inextricably linked to the cycle of self-neglect: Feel bad, look bad, feel worse, look worse, and on and on. But I maintain that a cycle of self-love can be perpetuated by a cycle of self-care. If you feel awful about how you look and allow yourself to LOOK as awful as you feel, you spiral down. But if you feel awful about how you look and work against that negativity – beautifying yourself as best you can with the tools you have at hand – you spiral up. (More on this here.) If you learn what you like and what makes you look your best, and implement those things on a regular basis, you just can’t help feeling better about yourself. And it’s not even the looking good that I care about: It’s the feeling good that I’m truly interested in. Because there are so many forces in our lives that conspire to make us feel like a pile of ass when we look in the mirror, and we need as many tools as we can to fight back effectively.
I see looking our aesthetic best – whatever that means to each individual woman – as a universally accessible path to acceptance and even love of one’s self. But I certainly don’t mean to imply that all women are duty-bound to read Vogue and wear trendy stuff and spend bales on clothes. Or that we have any responsibility to each other, or to men, or to society to look gorgeous regardless of circumstances. What I do mean is that if we don’t put in the effort to learn what flatters us, if we don’t explore what we can do to optimize our natural assets, we can’t blame genetics, the media, or anyone else but ourselves when we look in the mirror and feel unhappy about our looks. No effort, no gain. And there may be more at work, and wearing flattering clothes is unlikely to be some magic key that unlocks your self-loathing and morphs it into self-love. But it really is an easy place to start, and an aspect of physical appearance over which we have complete control.
I believe it’s our responsibility to care for and flatter our outer selves as a means of feeding the needs of our inner selves. If we want to feel good about how we look, we must learn how to look good.
What do YOU think?
Image courtesy y-a-n.
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
I agree. 100%. One may not always feel 100% good about oneself, but looking good (or being educated about what looks good on our bodies) is a big step.
I certainly agree that it is a responsibility to ourselves, not to anyone else.
Which to my mind, makes it an even more important responsibility than say keeping the house clean or showing up to work on time.
I think that “fake it ’til you make it” deffo applies here. Dressing in something I love will improve my outlook, even if doing so only provides me with the slightest jumpstart in the right direction. And sometimes, that’s all I need.
Hi there-I totally agree-this last paragraph just sums it up nicely and I totally advocate it!
In thinking about how I feel when I look good and comparing this to how I feel, I’m still not sure what to think.
1. If I look good, I need to worry more about cat hair, and if I can’t enjoy my cats, I dont feel as good.
2. I can go for a majority of the day without considering my appearance so how I look is often not a factor in how I feel.
3. I might suggest that how clothes fit and comfort might be a more important factor for how I feel, and it is certainly likely that clothes that fit well make one feel better about one’s self. When my pants are too tight in the waist, I judge myself; when they fit correctly, I am less likely to judge.
4. fit and comfort are not my only factors–appropriateness for the situation is the 3rd and final factor, in my mind. My Saturday clothes make me happy on Saturday, but make me feel out of place at work.
You know those guys who go to weddings in jeans and a short-sleeve shirt? Perhaps it is comfortable, but it would make me feel horrible to wear that at a wedding.
My lovely wife, Sally, never seems to leave the house without looking awesome. This makes me feel like a slob sometimes, but if it is Saturday and I am in my sweatshirt when I’m running errands it doesn’t matter to me.
Regarding celebs who are caught on a Saturday in Saturday clothes–more power to them for not feeling responsible to the media hungry consumer.
If we want to feel good about how we look, we must learn how to look good.
Couldn’t agree more!
All that being said, I think my best acceossry is a smile, whatever its source.
You said it so well! I couldn’t agree more!
I absolutely agree with you. Loving yourself and how you look is the first and foremost step in gaining respect from others. Nothing says confidence more than feeling comfortable with the way you look, and that doestake a lot of time and patience in finding the pieces that are right for us.
Hear hear!
There is definitely a mind-body connection and today I am a walking example of it- I feel blah on the inside but I made sure to dress nice and that helped (it also helped that someone complimented my scarf).
In answer to your question-already done!
Agreed! My clothes absolutely affect my mood and confidence.
I love clothes and do think they are a brilliant asset but some people really don’t car. Then those who do get into a real pickle if they can’t get their dress right so yes if you fall into that category then it really does make a masive difference to how you feel and what you do.
Women often lose thier way because they put other things first but once they get it back again its like riding a bike again!
I do think that editor has raised an interesting question. Good on her for challenging your viewpoints – and good on you for taking up the challenge.
My personal viewpoint is that we all owe it to ourselves to look great as far as we’re concerned because that’s one key to feeling better. But maybe it’s not that way for people who truly don’t care about appearance. I guess as long as you feel good, that’s everything. I just believe it’s really hard to feel good if you don’t look your best.
I like the point that looking better = feeling better and that if we do put in the effort we will reap the benefits. But I also have to say that I work with people that dress at a lot of different levels of “professional” and there is something to be said for being appropriately dressed for the task at hand.
Or maybe that’s just my excuse for wearing fleece and denim 5 days a week instead of the clothes I love.
After all that have been said what can I say more…
A so well writen post and with great thoughts, that I couldn’t agree more.
xoxo
It was life changing for me to really come to accept who I am, what looks good on the body I have now and what is the style that best suits me and to not turn to magazines or trends to determine what works for me. I do feel better when I make the effort.When I don’t I feel like I am sending a message about myself that says I don’t care about myself and/or that I don’t care about others around me. What others choose to do or not do is fine by me. But, for me, I NEED to make the effort to look the best that I can with what I’ve got.
I absolutley agree with you – my mother always said it’s not the clothes but how you wear them and coming from a family that hasn’t always been financially stable – we followed that creed to a T!
I think that a lot of women assume that ‘looking good’ is a superficial waste of time and that it’s a sign of not having anything more constructive to do but I disagree. For one, it doesn’t take a lot of time if you know what works for you and I always say to people that if you put at least some effort into your appearance, imagine how hard-working you’ll be in much more important matters!
But what about the people who are not externally motivated? Who spend their time and energy improving their mind or spirits or business sense or… I don’t know, kumquats.
And what about the people who can’t tell the difference between a white wall with gray undertones and a white wall with pink undertones (I’ve had discussions with people who just didn’t have the language/vision/ability here.)
I agree with you that it is a good thing to think about our appearance, but not everyone is up to it, so what about them?
A long time ago I learned that if I don’t take care of myself, I can’t properly take care of anyone else. This comes from the fact that when I look like crap, I feel like crap, when I feel like crap I am generally in a really bad mood. That just isn’t good for anybody involved.
Yes, I agree with k.line, that there is a responsibility to oneself to look good within the boundaries of its relative importance to your person/self/happiness. If it’s all maya anyway, and you other things to contemplate, I say you’re under no obligation to dress to fit this (illusory) body.
One thing I would add to this discussion is the importance also of fashion as personal expression. Not only should clothes fit and flatter, I think, but ideally, if you’re taking the time to make an effort, why not also make sure these things are reflective of oneself? I’ve been known to don cankle-inducing boots and to wear flats with long skirts, and break all manner of rules; but if these “transgressions” (according to others’ standards of beauty) all contribute to the emergence of a distinctive stylistic impression, are they truly transgressions? I think not.
Such exposure/reflecting of self is a vulnerable, but I think valuable practice. I like to think that it tells my students that they are welcome to (publicly) be themselves and take risks, too. I kind of like that people can look at me and have a sense of who I am – we’re all constantly classifying/categorizing those others that cross our gaze, anyway – why not give the world something more interesting to interpret, eh?
As I prepare for an upcoming conference, I’m considering this issue – and one of its corollary debates (Smart V. Pretty 2008)- a lot. Academia, as one of those ivory towers of masculine power (face it, it is!), has a lot of issues with women, particularly fashionable women, infiltrating the bastion.
I think this will be an endless debate as to how we define 'looking good'. I know what you mean Sal but what we think 'look good' is by no means universal. I think that is Editor's point too. It is highly subjective. Also, whether what seems to be looking good now is still going to be great years later is doubtable as well. I guess it's all about the 'right now' thing.
I mostly agree with you and I initially thought I would be blogging about 'looking good' following more or less Trinny & Susannah methods. Then I realised I would be talking about rules and 'do's and don'ts' etc. so instead I decided to just ramble. Whatever goes.. it happens in my blog.
I do respect your point of view. I do think certain things make people look good. That cannot be underestimated. The fact that you can succinctly articulate all these things is great as well. I love reading posts with opinions. I like to question things.
I do follow your style advices you know.
I love this viewpoint. You see looking good as an aspect of health. It is one’s responsibility to take vitamins, eat well and exercise, but it’s definitely not a responsibility to be an Olympic athlete!